Now what?

[waterwoman]

Yesterday, my wife said to me that she had come to a decision.

 

She said we work well together, and we have been a great team over our marriage, and that she was prepared to stay. However, her engagement and wedding rings no longer mean anything to her and she will no longer wear them.

 

She said that I have a lot of work to do and one stage of that will end with us renewing our vows in the next year or two.

 

I have a sense of relief about this, it makes me happy that my wife thinks I'm worth a second chance. She would never have known had I not confessed but the weight of this secret was destroying my relationship with her (until this occurred I couldn't even buy her birthday presents until the night before). But I still think it's very early on in the piece. It's only been a week and I've seen none of what I read on these boards, except for a lot of anger when we first started discussing details. Otherwise, it's been business-at-usual.

 

I am grateful at least that she is leaning in that direction. I am still bracing myself for much deeper soul searching over the next few weeks.

 

There are moments when I think I should have kept this too myself, I must admit. But my whole life up till now has been doing what is right, I don't even tweak my taxes. In the end, there was no choice but honesty, no matter how grave the consequences.

 

Which is more than can be said for the AP who I thought I was in love with.

 

Don't doubt your decision for a single moment!!! You have got off to a good start. It will be hard work and painful and it may take a long time but you could end up with a better marriage in the end. Good luck x

[not-so-sure]

An update.

 

It's been an interesting few weeks. For a while I thought that she was really avoiding the subject. As it turns out she was not talking about the issue because I wasn't. She thought I was avoiding it when the whole time I thought she was.

 

All I can do is hope that it is early days yet. I asked her again today how she felt and I told her that I thought I didn't know where she and I were headed. She had the same feelings too.

 

As it happens I had occasion to run across the other woman during some work interaction I could not avoid. I keep reminding myself that what I had with her was just an illusion, but I had quite strong feelings.

 

What do I do to let go? It has been nearly 9 months now. As long as I feel this way I feel like I can never repair my marriage.

 

I know what I need to do and I know how I should be feeling but there is a part of me that just Won't let go.

 

I have no sexual attraction to my wife and that has been ruined by the OW who was younger and more petite and the same profile of every woman I dated prior to meeting my wife. Objectively I know my wife is a great fit for me.

 

I just need to let go of this woman. Unfortunately I earn far too much money at this place to simply find another job. My family here relies on it.

 

I should be clear. The OW is not an option to me. I know I'm grieving the loss of a relationship. But enough already. This has been a **** year and I just want it to be over and to rebuild. Rebuild at least the half I can control.

[confusedandhurt2002]

Holy crap. I wish I had got this from my husband. I had to drag his **** out on the open. Dammit.

 

I already sent this email as she slept.

 

"I am an open book.

 

Anything you want from me, it's yours.

 

I am so sorry to visit this upon us. I hope that you will see over time that I do love you and that you can rebuild your trust in me.

 

I submit to you because you deserve to know. As partners on this journey so far you deserve nothing less than openness, honesty and accountability from me. You chose me many years ago and I repaid your choice with a series of bad choices of my own.

 

I love you. I am sorry. You have no idea".

 

I could not live the lie any more. It was thrilling when it was happening but all it did was wreck me. I waited till she finished class for the year to tell her. There is never a good time.

[confusedandhurt2002]

I found some articles on http://www.affairrcovery.com that could help you. I think there are some about cutting contact with that person and dealing with that withdrawal. Also, a book called "After the Affair" has a section to help you with that. That one or Not Just Friends by Sheila Glass.Both are available on the Kindle ap for immediate download. The Kindle ap is free for any computer. I hope you can find out if you can love your wife again. Take care.

 

P.S. you may still be caught in the fantasy mode because you know you are facing a tough road. NOt bad, but just natural, I'd say. I've nevercheated. I'm just guessing.

 

An update.

 

It's been an interesting few weeks. For a while I thought that she was really avoiding the subject. As it turns out she was not talking about the issue because I wasn't. She thought I was avoiding it when the whole time I thought she was.

 

All I can do is hope that it is early days yet. I asked her again today how she felt and I told her that I thought I didn't know where she and I were headed. She had the same feelings too.

 

As it happens I had occasion to run across the other woman during some work interaction I could not avoid. I keep reminding myself that what I had with her was just an illusion, but I had quite strong feelings.

 

What do I do to let go? It has been nearly 9 months now. As long as I feel this way I feel like I can never repair my marriage.

 

I know what I need to do and I know how I should be feeling but there is a part of me that just Won't let go.

 

I have no sexual attraction to my wife and that has been ruined by the OW who was younger and more petite and the same profile of every woman I dated prior to meeting my wife. Objectively I know my wife is a great fit for me.

 

I just need to let go of this woman. Unfortunately I earn far too much money at this place to simply find another job. My family here relies on it.

 

I should be clear. The OW is not an option to me. I know I'm grieving the loss of a relationship. But enough already. This has been a **** year and I just want it to be over and to rebuild. Rebuild at least the half I can control.

[Ap22]

You're a lucky guy. Dont blow it. Be an open book at all times. Communication is key. My wife cheated on me and I found out a little under a month ago. Sometimes I need to just say stuff and get it off my chest. I talk to her, about her and what she did. To her credit, shes taken it.

 

You have to be there doing all you can to make it up to her. Fight for her. Be her punching bag when she needs to vent on you. She will be a roller coaster of emotions, literally from one minute to the next at times. If she wants to avoid you, let her. If she wants to call you every name in the book, let her. Your job is to basically be whatever it is she needs at that moment.

 

Along with causing her tremendous pain, she now has to deal with the images and mind movies of you and your AP having sex. My wife and I are in the hysterical bonding phase and there hasnt been one single time we've had sex that I've thought of them together while we were having sex.

 

However, if you still have no sexual attraction to your wife after this, I feel like its doomed.

[Steadfast]

I've been following this quietly until now. I have some thoughts.

 

I just need to let go of this woman. Unfortunately I earn far too much money at this place to simply find another job. My family here relies on it.

 

And there you go. Frankly, isn't that something you should have thought of before the affair? In my opinion, you have screwed up priorities. For example; my pop had an affair, realized he was on the verge of losing everything dear to him (for strong romantic feelings that resulted in a complete loss of attraction for my mom) but when he asked what she thought needed to happen, she answered that we move. Across country. Leave his business, his family and hers. They did it. It wasn't easy starting over, but they did it. They did it for their marriage and our family.

 

The truly 'unfortunate' thing is your decision making process. Man up.

 

What do I do to let go? It has been nearly 9 months now. As long as I feel this way I feel like I can never repair my marriage.

 

I know what I need to do and I know how I should be feeling but there is a part of me that just Won't let go.

 

Your desire and selfishness is stronger than your resolve to keep your promises. Until that changes, you'll stay where you are. See above.

 

I have no sexual attraction to my wife and that has been ruined by the OW who was younger and more petite and the same profile of every woman I dated prior to meeting my wife.

 

Then do the right thing and divorce your wife. Allow her to find a man who loves her the way a woman and wife should be loved...and not married to a man who's struggling with his desires due to his unrelenting obligation.

 

She'll be fine. Strong, faithful people always are. You won't because cheaters are always chasing after someone who makes them feel good about themselves. Your problem is you don't know what real love is.

[not-so-sure]

Well, steadfast, I don't really know where to start.

 

It doesn't take a genius to work out that I've made a royal mess of this. The first steps I've taken are complete and honest disclosure. I know I got it wrong and I appreciate your view but I can't take any of it back and to dwell on why and what if and anything else in the past is pointless. I am here, in the here and now, regretting my decisions and doing what I can to make amends.

 

So feel free to rub it in. God knows I've done enough of it to myself.

 

I know what I had with my wife was a good thing. Now it's up to me to do what I can to put at least some of this smashed jigsaw back together. I can see the affair for what it is.

 

I know what I need to do. I know that the feelings I had can return. I just need to get over the other person. That's all. I have no desire to be with other person. I know objectively it's wrong. What I am putting to you and everyone here is that I need to work my way past that. I've already done NC to the best of my circumstances. That was the first work interaction I've had since the affair ended.

 

I am doing everything right according to you except moving across the country and taking half the salary.

 

If that comes across as defensive, of course it is. But I am not beyond redemption despite what anyone might think and I put my thoughts here to get help for my situation.

 

As to "real" love, I had it before I foolishly indulged myself elsewhere.

 

Thank you for your response. They are tough words to hear but respectfully I disagree with your views.

[Steadfast]

I am doing everything right according to you except moving across the country and taking half the salary.

 

If that comes across as defensive, of course it is. But I am not beyond redemption despite what anyone might think and I put my thoughts here to get help for my situation.

 

Let me put it this way; isn't it ironic (and telling) that you absolutely won't leave your position but you can and did break your marriage vows?

 

Again, misplaced priorities. In my opinion.

 

No one is beyond redemption, I never wrote that. But you're ignoring the obvious in favor of a magic formula that doesn't exist. You can hear or read the most profound wisdom possible, and it'll all go to waste if your desire to follow it isn't present. That's the key; you will follow your desires.

 

We all do.

 

Humility, courage and resolve can change those desires, but you have to want it. All I'm reading is bellyaching and excuses. Man up or move on.

[janedoe67]

I am a FWW, and I have to say I agree with steadfast. Having a job where you see the OW is not only a sure fire way to keep you in withdrawal, it is supremely thoughtless to expect your wife to be okay with this. Think of the salary loss as just one of those consequences we face when we make the choice to cheat. Anytime a consequence or post affair choice presents itself and your instinct is to say "but I shouldn't have to...." That probably means you need to examine yourself more closely.

 

That said, you are getting not only lots of support on this thread, but lots of positive support. In fact, this may be the most FWS-supportive thread I have read here.

[not-so-sure]

I really should take in what I'm reading before gong off half cocked. I've had a chance to reconsider your advice steadfast.

 

I'm still not clear about what it is about manning up I have *not* done. Of course I come across as belly aching. I am worried about what the future holds for me and my family.

 

The place I work at has about 1500 people across three buildings. I have seen (as in sighted) this woman perhaps three times in the last 3 months. I am going to have to work through that situation because it is not going to change. I like my work and the people I work with. Yes, moving to another workplace would reduce or remove the incidence of contact, but it's not gonna happen. Neither she nor I want that contact either. I have brought this up with my wife and she has no feelings about it. I am not going to bankrupt my family because my head is not yet in the right spot. So right now, no. That situation will not change. What I am going through is the same thing I felt for all the other exes (for want of a better word). Soon it will be a memory. It's a stage of grief and I can see that for what it is. I am doing active things to move past that.

 

At the same time in appreciate your advice. I am doing everything else I can to put things right. Communicative, Open, honest, transparent, dependable, punctual. Everything I can do to try and restore trust.

 

We had a sad conversation last night. She mentioned that she knew we had been in trouble for some time, even prior to the affair starting. To be honest, I don't really recall things being that way. I thought everything was OK, until I started to disengage a little as my feelings developed for this other woman. Communication has always been an issue for us. She mentioned to me that we rarely fought. We rarely fought because we are both conflict avoidant. She has many resentments about me which I only discovered since we've become more open with each other over the last month or so. I am discovering more and more about myself as she reveals these things to me and I am responding in kind by trying address those issues. I recognise that problem between us and encourage our kids to speak up whenever something makes them uncomfortable. I don't want my children to head down the same path.

 

It's not easy, but a lot has been put out on the table now. It's been a pretty sad time at home and she is not sure about where she wants to go. She has brought up the idea of separating before there's too much anomisity between us. I didn't tell her yet that I asked my son how would feel if mom and dad lived in different houses. He said that would suck because he couldn't get cuddles from both of us. It broke my heart. This whole thing is breaking my heart. I realise how much I love my wife, and I hope we're not at the end of the rope.

[Fluttershy]

You have given yourself the answer to how to lose feelings for your wife.

 

You started thinking about OW and slowly stopped thinking about your wife. So stop thinking about OW good or bad and start thinking about your wife. Not pre affair but here and now. Court her and focus on her. I suggest five languages because it is a really practical book and easy to read. And i find the test is relatively easy to do for your spouse's needs if they don't take it themselves. Find out your wife's love languages and do them for her.

 

Think about her. Replace OW in your mind with her. Reverse the actions that diminshed your wife in your life.

[not-so-sure]

One thing I have realised though is that in taking advice from a number of different place, including here, is that a lot of it sound. However, I have a made a number of mistakes already in dealing with my own situation after following other advice as well.

 

There is no one size fits all approach. So I'm going to take leave of LS for a while to try and deal with things in my own space and try not to overthink things.

 

Thank you everyone.

[Steadfast]

One thing I have realised though is that in taking advice from a number of different place, including here, is that a lot of it sound. However, I have a made a number of mistakes already in dealing with my own situation after following other advice as well.

 

There is no one size fits all approach. So I'm going to take leave of LS for a while to try and deal with things in my own space and try not to overthink things.

 

Thank you everyone.

 

I can't say for certain in grand terms, but based on your posts here you've flushed the advice you've been given with excuses as to why it won't work.

 

Or rather, why it won't work for you.

 

When a person rationalizes by stating 'every situation is unique', it always points at the base issue. In my opinion, you want what you want when you want it, while facing the very obvious consequences. I'm guessing here, but your words seem to suggest that your wife might be pulling away and this troubles you deeply. You probably thought she was 'in the bag'. I see the process of redeveloping your attraction for her spooling up quicker.

 

You can pick and choose the advice you like, but that won't change the basic principles of right and wrong. Fact is, honesty and integrity are cut-n-dried. You either have them, or you don't. Hopefully at some point soon, you'll realize the people outside your marriage aren't the problem; you letting them in, is. You're the problem not-so-sure. I'm pretty sure of it.

[Snowflower]

One thing I have realised though is that in taking advice from a number of different place, including here, is that a lot of it sound. However, I have a made a number of mistakes already in dealing with my own situation after following other advice as well.

 

There is no one size fits all approach. So I'm going to take leave of LS for a while to try and deal with things in my own space and try not to overthink things.

 

Thank you everyone.

 

Are you not hearing the answers here that you wish to get?

 

I'm always curious when someone asks for advice and then doesn't like what they are told to do. Of course, it is your life and you know your situation best, but hey, you asked for advice...

Edited December 16, 2013 by Snowflower

[Spark1111]

One thing I have realised though is that in taking advice from a number of different place, including here, is that a lot of it sound. However, I have a made a number of mistakes already in dealing with my own situation after following other advice as well.

 

There is no one size fits all approach. So I'm going to take leave of LS for a while to try and deal with things in my own space and try not to overthink things.

 

Thank you everyone.

 

Sorry not-so sure, but those of us who have walked through the fires of infidelity and have emerged on the other side of seen a thousand of your ilk....

 

You are ALWAYS on that corporate agenda....very detached....and upset your character is being called into question because you CANNOT ever be thought of as the bad guy. Your ego just will not tolerate that assumption by those who have survived infidelity.

 

So be it.

 

But IF you had devoted the same hours of sexts, texts, fine dining and dating in your marital relationship as you did that oh-so impressed co-worker, you TOO could have been one truly happily married man by a wife who has loved, devoted herself and sacrificed on your behalf AND your off-spring.

 

Did your OW do that for you? sacrifice herself for you, your goals, your children?

 

Kudos for confessing, but what changes have you made within yourself to ensure your ego, mind, body is not so easily swayed again?

 

Your wife is,waiting to see a man who is truly remorseful and wants to put her first in his life. I get this and yet, with all your posturing, I am not seeing this with you.

 

I see I am a good man, despite my devastating betrayal, and why is she not appreciating all my efforts, dammit.

 

You are similar to all those guys who truly believe that have achieved a status and paycheck in their life that pushes them to feel oh so superior to that wifey they married long ago. that hot, flattering co-worker seems SO superior.

 

And yet you guys fall the hardest ( ego) when their sweet, devoted wife takes the kids and leaves them for that simple, honest carpenter, bus driver, blue collar guy who WORSHIPS the ground that wife you cheated on WALKS upon.

 

Be VERY careful here. Pride goeth before the fall...

[not-so-sure]

Hi,

 

I'm back.

 

Are you not hearing the answers here that you wish to get?

 

I'm always curious when someone asks for advice and then doesn't like what they are told to do. Of course, it is your life and you know your situation best, but hey, you asked for advice...

 

I explained why I wasn't going to take that advice. I read it, I evaluated and I decided it wasn't for me. That is not going to make my situation better. At most I will see this person once a month. Maybe. And we no longer talk.

 

Sorry not-so sure, but those of us who have walked through the fires of infidelity and have emerged on the other side of seen a thousand of your ilk....

 

You are ALWAYS on that corporate agenda....very detached....and upset your character is being called into question because you CANNOT ever be thought of as the bad guy. Your ego just will not tolerate that assumption by those who have survived infidelity.

 

I'm not a corporate high flyer. I'm just a well paid doer in a very tight job market who'd rather put food on my family's table than quit my job on principle. There's best practice, then there's crazy. Like I said, one size does not fit all. Advice dispensed her to other cheaters in similar situations was to try and avoid contact if at all possible. Well, in my situation, it's almost completely possible but I'm not sure anyone's chosen to read that?

 

So be it.

 

But IF you had devoted the same hours of sexts, texts, fine dining and dating in your marital relationship as you did that oh-so impressed co-worker, you TOO could have been one truly happily married man by a wife who has loved, devoted herself and sacrificed on your behalf AND your off-spring.

 

Did your OW do that for you? sacrifice herself for you, your goals, your children?

 

Kudos for confessing, but what changes have you made within yourself to ensure your ego, mind, body is not so easily swayed again?

 

Your wife is,waiting to see a man who is truly remorseful and wants to put her first in his life. I get this and yet, with all your posturing, I am not seeing this with you.

 

Well, I have to honest here and say that I am probably not as remorseful as I should be. However, I can see that I have caused immense pain to my wife and I may well have affected my children as well. I regret all of that. And I am sorry about that.

 

I see I am a good man, despite my devastating betrayal, and why is she not appreciating all my efforts, dammit.

 

Honestly, again I made a huge mistake series of really crappy choices but I still think I am a good man. I know that will come across as a red rag to a betrayed bull, but for a guy who doesn't even tweak his taxes, I will say that it was uncharacteristic of me. Yes, it went for some time, but addiction does have some amazing properties.

 

You are similar to all those guys who truly believe that have achieved a status and paycheck in their life that pushes them to feel oh so superior to that wifey they married long ago. that hot, flattering co-worker seems SO superior.

 

Well, the little you know, then.

 

And yet you guys fall the hardest ( ego) when their sweet, devoted wife takes the kids and leaves them for that simple, honest carpenter, bus driver, blue collar guy who WORSHIPS the ground that wife you cheated on WALKS upon.

 

Be VERY careful here. Pride goeth before the fall...

 

Don't get me wrong. I am on the back foot here. I know I have driven a knife through my marriage and I know I am at risk of losing everything. I have learnt from this and it won't be happening again and taking a break from LS has helped me clear my mind.

 

The Christmas break has been productive between my wife and me and we start MC soon. This time with family has been wonderful and we chose to spend Christmas just as a family. There were no huge orchestrations; simply time together. And it has begun to rekindle the bond I had with my wife.

 

This is going to be a long journey. My affections have been waning for a long time, but by doing those things which I was doing for my OW I am now starting to see that love is a verb. By my actions will I recover my marriage.

 

I apologise for the defensive tone. I understand that a lot of you on this sub-forum as BS and with that comes a lot of pain. I came here for advice and help, some of which I accepted and implemented. After all, the tagline for this sub forum is "In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here."

 

I was prepared for a little bit of home truth but some of it honestly was over the top. Like the post I am responding to which drew so many false conclusions.

 

If this forum is principally about helping BS, then perhaps it should be described as such?

[tiredofitall2]

Hi,

 

I'm back.

 

 

 

I explained why I wasn't going to take that advice. I read it, I evaluated and I decided it wasn't for me. That is not going to make my situation better. At most I will see this person once a month. Maybe. And we no longer talk.

 

 

 

I'm not a corporate high flyer. I'm just a well paid doer in a very tight job market who'd rather put food on my family's table than quit my job on principle. There's best practice, then there's crazy. Like I said, one size does not fit all. Advice dispensed her to other cheaters in similar situations was to try and avoid contact if at all possible. Well, in my situation, it's almost completely possible but I'm not sure anyone's chosen to read that?

 

 

 

Well, I have to honest here and say that I am probably not as remorseful as I should be. However, I can see that I have caused immense pain to my wife and I may well have affected my children as well. I regret all of that. And I am sorry about that.

 

 

 

Honestly, again I made a huge mistake series of really crappy choices but I still think I am a good man. I know that will come across as a red rag to a betrayed bull, but for a guy who doesn't even tweak his taxes, I will say that it was uncharacteristic of me. Yes, it went for some time, but addiction does have some amazing properties.

 

 

 

Well, the little you know, then.

 

 

 

Don't get me wrong. I am on the back foot here. I know I have driven a knife through my marriage and I know I am at risk of losing everything. I have learnt from this and it won't be happening again and taking a break from LS has helped me clear my mind.

 

The Christmas break has been productive between my wife and me and we start MC soon. This time with family has been wonderful and we chose to spend Christmas just as a family. There were no huge orchestrations; simply time together. And it has begun to rekindle the bond I had with my wife.

 

This is going to be a long journey. My affections have been waning for a long time, but by doing those things which I was doing for my OW I am now starting to see that love is a verb. By my actions will I recover my marriage.

 

I apologise for the defensive tone. I understand that a lot of you on this sub-forum as BS and with that comes a lot of pain. I came here for advice and help, some of which I accepted and implemented. After all, the tagline for this sub forum is "In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here."

 

I was prepared for a little bit of home truth but some of it honestly was over the top. Like the post I am responding to which drew so many false conclusions.

 

If this forum is principally about helping BS, then perhaps it should be described as such?

 

 

As someone else here said, "We all make mistake or bad choices-what we do afterwords is what defines who we are".

 

You made the right choice and are doing the right thing to fix what you messed up. You will hit some bumps along the way, but I cannot sit here and point fingers as I made similar mistakes and even if not cheating we all here have made bad choices at one time or the other.

[Spark1111]

I'm sorry if my post struck a nerve.

 

You are off to a great start. Glad time spent with your spouse is re-kindling your bond and counseling is scheduled.

 

there is a thread pinned on top entitled, "What every WS should know." Please read it because it is the most perfect description of what a BS goes through after infidelity and contains excellent advice on what a WS needs to do to help them heal.

 

It's a process, often a long one.

 

Good luck to you and your wife.

[harrybrown]

Remember how would you feel if she had an affair?

 

You are her second choice, and it sucks. So use your brain to fix it, and show her she was never her second choice.

 

Get tested for stds. and show her the results. Be proactive in trying to help her heal.

 

She thinks about your affair every stinking day. and is hurts her self-esteem.

[not-so-sure]

Hmm. An update.

 

A short one for now as I'm waiting to pick up my kids.

 

Family life is getting better. I am constantly reminded about what I could have thrown all away.

 

Emotionally, I am still distant from my wife. I love her but the affair has made my feelings complicated. I know eventually I will get there but there are a lot of things i could have done better, not only I respect of the affair but before and even leading up to marriage. In short, I chose a wonderful woman who is bright and caring and would be a great wife and mother. I didn't choose to marry a woman who I had a deep physical attraction to.

 

Getting over the other woman has been a bit up and down. I have no desire to speak to her but every day there is a little reminder of the affair. It might be a receipt which I'm throwing out or a particular date but the biggest thing for me was that here was a woman who I chose, who I truly wanted and who I did, for a while, fall in love with.

 

There's a long way to go. My wife has put on some weight since the news. (That's just an observation, and not a a criticism). Physical intimacy is a little strained - at least for me).

 

As a family unit however, we work well enough and I am hanging my hat on that as I work on improving myself and my situation.

[Waverly]

Hmm. An update.

 

A short one for now as I'm waiting to pick up my kids.

 

Family life is getting better. I am constantly reminded about what I could have thrown all away.

 

Emotionally, I am still distant from my wife. I love her but the affair has made my feelings complicated. I know eventually I will get there but there are a lot of things i could have done better, not only I respect of the affair but before and even leading up to marriage. In short, I chose a wonderful woman who is bright and caring and would be a great wife and mother. I didn't choose to marry a woman who I had a deep physical attraction to.

 

Getting over the other woman has been a bit up and down. I have no desire to speak to her but every day there is a little reminder of the affair. It might be a receipt which I'm throwing out or a particular date but the biggest thing for me was that here was a woman who I chose, who I truly wanted and who I did, for a while, fall in love with.

 

There's a long way to go. My wife has put on some weight since the news. (That's just an observation, and not a a criticism). Physical intimacy is a little strained - at least for me).

 

As a family unit however, we work well enough and I am hanging my hat on that as I work on improving myself and my situation.

 

Thanks for taking the time to update. I've read this a couple of times, and I have to say, it's...well, I'm sure you know better than I do, that it's mixed. (Apologies in advance, by the way; I'm not really sure whether to reply here or on my thread -- my thoughts are obviously a mix of reactions to what you wrote about your own situation as well as how it makes me think about my own.)

 

I'm guessing your marriage was similar to mine (pre-affair) in that it was good and more or less solid but that there was always something lacking. My husband, too, is a good person and a good friend, but the passion has never been there. The physical intimacy has been a problem for years (all on my end).

 

Do you think you'll work it out, long-term? During my very first counseling appointment this fall, I described my marriage to my therapist, as it was before the affair. She sort of laughed and said "and how long did you think you could make that last?" I was so thrown off by that; I figured I'd make it last forever. But now, even without the context of the affair, and telling or not, I don't know. I worry that operating well as parents and getting along as friends isn't enough.

[not-so-sure]

Do you think you'll work it out, long-term? During my very first counseling appointment this fall, I described my marriage to my therapist, as it was before the affair. She sort of laughed and said "and how long did you think you could make that last?" I was so thrown off by that; I figured I'd make it last forever. But now, even without the context of the affair, and telling or not, I don't know. I worry that operating well as parents and getting along as friends isn't enough.

 

I'm hoping it will. I can't imagine a life without my wife in it, despite the emotional difficulties I have placed both of us in.

 

You've hit the nail on the head though. My marriage was good, without (to my mind) being spectacular. The terrible thing is that it took me an affair to realise how good I actually had things. I hope that I can do enough for my wife to make things good, if not great, again. My hopes have to be backed by actions and this is what I'm doing.

 

My psychologist (I was about to dump him) has been really good the last few sessions. We have worked on something called ACT (Acceptance Based Therapy). I have found this approach to negative and unwanted thoughts to be refreshing.

 

As an aside, and to briefly explain: You have very little control over your thoughts. What you *do* have control over is how you respond to them. Those who tell you to stop thinking about the AP (or anything else that pre-occupies you) are deluded. It's not gonna happen. The most productive thing to do is "defuse" those thoughts. That is, accept them for what they are (they are merely thoughts, not truths), that they will come and go, and try and stay engaged in the present. The book I'm reading is called "The Happiness Trap". The principle behind ACT is that diversionary techniques simply serve to push the thoughts and emotions deeper down. And like a balloon that you push underwater, the deeper you push it, the more explosively it will return to the surface.

[A.Moscote]

I'm in full agreement with your last paragraph, it really is a commendable approach especially in a situation like this i.e. trying to forget someone. Thoughts and emotions are volatile and a bit involuntary. It's our rational reactions that's more important.

 

Glad to know some parts of your family life and relationship are getting better. Keep 'working' on getting/cementing her commitment for the marriage. That would lay the foundation for other things to come e.g. trust, hope, security. Careful not to be too pushy, be more emphatic instead. After all it was a betrayal and deception by you and she needs time to heal.

 

How is the communication with your wife now? I remember your post about communication problem and conflict avoidance between you. Hopefully you'll reach a point where you can openly tell your wife about post #70. Because right now it seems like your wife is not aware of it, and it's like you are trying to fix this one sided. It would be great if she is also actively and willingly involve in mending this emotional distant and physical attraction issue.

[Waverly]

I'm hoping it will. I can't imagine a life without my wife in it, despite the emotional difficulties I have placed both of us in.

 

You've hit the nail on the head though. My marriage was good, without (to my mind) being spectacular. The terrible thing is that it took me an affair to realise how good I actually had things. I hope that I can do enough for my wife to make things good, if not great, again. My hopes have to be backed by actions and this is what I'm doing.

 

My psychologist (I was about to dump him) has been really good the last few sessions. We have worked on something called ACT (Acceptance Based Therapy). I have found this approach to negative and unwanted thoughts to be refreshing.

 

As an aside, and to briefly explain: You have very little control over your thoughts. What you *do* have control over is how you respond to them. Those who tell you to stop thinking about the AP (or anything else that pre-occupies you) are deluded. It's not gonna happen. The most productive thing to do is "defuse" those thoughts. That is, accept them for what they are (they are merely thoughts, not truths), that they will come and go, and try and stay engaged in the present. The book I'm reading is called "The Happiness Trap". The principle behind ACT is that diversionary techniques simply serve to push the thoughts and emotions deeper down. And like a balloon that you push underwater, the deeper you push it, the more explosively it will return to the surface.

 

Yup, same here. I *did* have things good. And I guess the question for myself is whether "good" is also "good enough", or whether I will spend my life feeling like there's something more that I missed out on, or whether that is pure selfishness on my part. (I'm obviously ignoring the whole tell/don't tell question at the moment, in case anyone is waiting to call me out on that.)

 

The ACT sounds interesting. I'm sure I am radically simplifying here, especially given that I know nothing about what I'm talking about, but it seems like sort of a meditative approach -- just accept that the thoughts will be there, try to stay in the present, and they will pass. Am I close?

Edited March 26, 2014 by Waverly