Now what?

[not-so-sure]

I haven't made many posts here, but I am a person who cheated. I didn't tell my spouse. The other person and I broke it off, but as we worked together, but not on the same floor, we tried to remain friends.

 

I realised after a number of months that while I still had feelings for this person I wasn't sure what they were. I didn't want to go back to that again but I was missing *something*

 

I haven't seen the AP for about six weeks but in passing today we met. I told the ap that having her in my life was adding no value to it so our "friendship" was done.

 

Now I feel it's time to dot i's and cross t's and submit my failings to my partner.

 

I've read the sticky and I know it's going to be difficult.

 

Are there any guides to disclosure?

 

Also in the back of my mind is the thought that my pArtner might want to have this disclosed to the other pair. Does the ap need to be dragged through this?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Does the ap need to be dragged through this?

 

Absolutely. You dragged her into your marriage. If that is what wife needs to heal, then you do it.

 

I applaud you for plans of coming clean. One of the main reasons I chose to reconcile with my WW is that she broke off the affair, and confessed it to me when she was totally in the clear. (Granted she waited 8 years to confess; but that's a different discussion). If I had found out on my own, I doubt that I would've stuck it out through the dark times.

 

Even during those 8 years her dirty secret did have a negative impact on her and our marriage. I just didn't know it at the time.

[not-so-sure]

I fessed up. Now she's reading a book?

 

I've been edgy all night, she hasn't asked for any details.

 

I said I will tell her anything she needs to know

[dichotomy]

She may be in shock, or unsure how to react, expect more reaction and emotion later.

[not-so-sure]

She may be in shock, or unsure how to react, expect more reaction and emotion later.

 

I'm sorry I'm so terse. I was expecting to have to hide the knives.

 

She did ask why? I've been trying to work out that answer for a while now. I just said that for a period of time I stopped being the person she married. It's true. I don't have any reason other than I was getting some validation.

 

As of yet she's not asked about who what why when.

 

I am not sure whether I feel remorse just yet but I do know that these lingering feelings have stopped me from re engaging with my partner.

 

Now I open myself to my wife, like I should have done in the first place, in the hope that we can heal.

[waterwoman]

It's a gamble. It might end your marriage. Alternatively you might end up with a far better one. Without telling I am not sure what sort of marriage you would have, not an honest one that's for sure.

 

Of course you could argue that regardless of the consequences she deserved the truth so she can make her own decisions about the rest of her life.

 

Good luck

[not-so-sure]

I finally realised secrets have no place in a marriage and I take a huge risk in coming clean.

 

I know my lumps are coming.

[experiencethedevine]

I finally realised secrets have no place in a marriage and I take a huge risk in coming clean.

 

I know my lumps are coming.

 

Then you are possibly a rare breed of 'aware'. When the storm clouds gather, put your wellies on and wade into it with your wife. She will need you. The persecutor must become the healer. What a paradox that is, but none the less, when the shock wears off and the dawn of realisation appears, you will need to be man enough for the job of listening. REALLY listening.......

[Snowflower]

I'm sorry I'm so terse. I was expecting to have to hide the knives.

 

She did ask why? I've been trying to work out that answer for a while now. I just said that for a period of time I stopped being the person she married. It's true. I don't have any reason other than I was getting some validation.

 

As of yet she's not asked about who what why when.

 

I am not sure whether I feel remorse just yet but I do know that these lingering feelings have stopped me from re engaging with my partner.

 

Now I open myself to my wife, like I should have done in the first place, in the hope that we can heal.

 

FWIW, I'm glad you told her. You are married, right? You said "partner" in your opening post and in this one and then mention "wife." Which is it?

 

When my H told me, I remember I could only handle the details in small increments and my shock was huge.

 

There is the big fallacy, no doubt perpetrated by movies and tv shows, that the betrayed will go all out crazy when they find out. Sure, sometimes that happens (perhaps why you said you should hide the knives). Or that they will kick out their cheating partner.

 

But other times, the betrayed sits there quietly in shock, their heart broken and in quiet pain because their life as they knew it has ended.

[not-so-sure]

She is sleeping beside me now. Yes. She is my wife and I also have two boys 7,5.

 

I'm the one not sleeping. I'm a mess.

[underwater2010]

1. Tell you spouse/partner nothing but the whole truth.

2. Be prepared for yelling/crying/lashing out. While you are doing the right thing by telling her/him, that person will be furious and hurt. Which is totally normal.

3. DO NOT make excuse or lay it on your spouses/partners shoulders. Let them know that YOU and only YOU are to blame and that it was your choice.

4. Offer to attend MC/IC.

5. Give her/him all your passwords etc.

6. Be an open book at all times.

7. Don't be surprised if this is a deal breaker for them.

8. If she/he choses to expose you AP. DO NOT stop them. That is their right and all you can be is supportive.

9. I would honestly start looking for another job and show her/him the proof that you are looking in earnest.

10. Prior to coming clean I would draft a NC letter and send it with a cc to your spouse/partner. It goes a long way in letting them know that the affair is over and you are almost over it.

11. Let them initiate sex. And be understanding when they turn you down.

[not-so-sure]

I already sent this email as she slept.

 

"I am an open book.

 

Anything you want from me, it's yours.

 

I am so sorry to visit this upon us. I hope that you will see over time that I do love you and that you can rebuild your trust in me.

 

I submit to you because you deserve to know. As partners on this journey so far you deserve nothing less than openness, honesty and accountability from me. You chose me many years ago and I repaid your choice with a series of bad choices of my own.

 

I love you. I am sorry. You have no idea".

 

I could not live the lie any more. It was thrilling when it was happening but all it did was wreck me. I waited till she finished class for the year to tell her. There is never a good time.

[painfullyobvious]

 

I haven't seen the AP for about six weeks but in passing today we met. I told the ap that having her in my life was adding no value to it so our "friendship" was done.

 

?

 

 

Holy Harsh!!! You were honest about it and she knew they consequences of getting involved with a person in a relationship but that seems harsh. How did she respond to your words.

[ChooseTruth]

Good for you for confessing. I think you are already finding reconciliation easier because of it. She is probably still in the denial phase though. My wife confessed to me, and it took about a week for it to start settling in. I just couldn't comprehend how it would affect me at first. If you never see the AP again at all, it will help. Do you still work in the same building?

[not-so-sure]

Holy Harsh!!! You were honest about it and she knew they consequences of getting involved with a person in a relationship but that seems harsh. How did she respond to your words.

 

No. I got that wrong. I've been *feeling* that way for a while. Having her in my life was adding nothing but obstacles. I told her that this was not going to work out, and that it's best for me if I just move on.

 

I then sent a short email a few hours later to tell her I told my wife and to wish her well on her journey. I said I would tell her when I did confess because she may never know if she might have it make her own admissions.

 

I struggled with non- disclosure since we broke up and my counsellor wasn't helping at all in that respect. It was telling to me that she chose to deliver only half truths to her husband and decided that was all he needed to know. Why would I want to know or want that? How ironic.

 

We were in different buildings but moved into the same one last month. Different floors.

 

I decided that my wife needed to know what I was capable of. Give her some choices. Transparency. Respect. And hopefully the chance to show her my love.

[Sub]

I decided that my wife needed to know what I was capable of. Give her some choices. Transparency. Respect. And hopefully the chance to show her my love.

 

Kudos to you, then. Obviously, you did a horrible thing, but I can't think of a more rational and sensitive way of looking at things right now.

[leonine]

I decided that my wife needed to know what I was capable of. Give her some choices. Transparency. Respect. And hopefully the chance to show her my love.

 

Good for you. I came to the same conclusion about a year and a half ago, and while it was the most difficult thing I've ever done, I don't regret telling my BH at all. I was lucky enough to be married to a very loving and forgiving man, so we've been working hard towards reconciliation. Even if it hadn't worked out for us (or doesn't work out for us in the future), it was absolutely the right choice. I can't imagine living a lie.

[not-so-sure]

I only spent 4 hours at work today and I'm heading home to see is she wants to talk. I'm taken aback by the calmness and I wonder now whether this news was a deal breaker to her.

 

She has yet to ask anything and breakfast time was like it never happened.

[leonine]

I only spent 4 hours at work today and I'm heading home to see is she wants to talk. I'm taken aback by the calmness and I wonder now whether this news was a deal breaker to her.

 

She has yet to ask anything and breakfast time was like it never happened.

 

What did you tell her? Like, exactly what words did you use?

[Mr. Lucky]

I only spent 4 hours at work today and I'm heading home to see is she wants to talk. I'm taken aback by the calmness and I wonder now whether this news was a deal breaker to her.

 

She has yet to ask anything and breakfast time was like it never happened.

As others have said, she's probably in shock. The world around her still looks exactly the same but the laws of physics are now different.

 

I spent the first week after D-Day wishing she hadn't done it. The second week was spent wishing she hadn't told me she'd done it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[not-so-sure]

What did you tell her? Like, exactly what words did you use?

 

There was a bit of context to this conversation. I had mentioned a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. She pressed the point a little and I said that I had finally cut a particular person from my life.

 

I wasn't able to leave it hanging like that. I said. This is not what you want to hear but I had an affair. I told her it was a terrible choice and I had no excuses. That there was nothing wrong with her and it was my fault.

 

She said something like was it too hard to love 2 people at once.

 

I told her id do everything I could to make it right.

 

She said I have to read my book now. Then shortly after went to sleep.

 

I was prepared to spit everything out. Now I'm nervous as hell. This volcano is going to erupt at some point.

[not-so-sure]

She mentioned to me today that she does have some questions, but she's not going to ask them yet. I've taken the opportunity to write down the answers to things she might ask - when, where, who, how.

 

Still nervous.

[experiencethedevine]

She mentioned to me today that she does have some questions, but she's not going to ask them yet. I've taken the opportunity to write down the answers to things she might ask - when, where, who, how.

 

Still nervous.

 

Your Wife is likely to be holding on fiercely to what is left of her sanity. All thoughts in her head look like spaghetti, that is how the impossibility of what she has heard plays back.

 

When a single train of thought becomes comprehensible enough for her to verbalise, you will hear the roar of anguish in every word. Hold on and allow her to exhaust herself with every question. Answer with complete honesty EVERY time and you will likely avoid the perpetuation of debilitating circles while she searches for something to hang on to.

[Stillscared]

I am proud of you. I wish my husband had cut ties and then confessed (instead of me having to discover and uncover it over time.)

 

Everyone is different but I imagine she's in shock/denial at this stage and will move through the stages of grief as time goes on.

 

I'm glad she can sleep. It's been 8 weeks for me since d-day and if it weren't for sedatives and nighttime pain relievers, I wouldn't have slept yet, so tormented am I by the visual images i see and the questions that wake me in the middle of the night.

 

Keep telling her you love her, you're sorry, you'll never do it again, and that she did nothing to deserve this. I wish you luck.

[not-so-sure]

Thank you.

 

I feel like I'm in a bit of an abyss.

 

As much as I hate to acknowledge it, I'm still not emotionally over this ow.

 

The reason I cut the cord with her was because it was clear I could not become friends again. I also had some philosophical differences with her approach to R with her husband. He knew about us but it was nothing like the whole picture.

 

A couple of months ago she had the hide to tell me that she and he had worked through it. As she was telling me this, I was thinking how could *he* have worked through it if he only had half the picture? He had no idea we spent weekends away, spent time in his bed. Even then I realised the hypocrisy of my position. And it was only a matter of time before I came clean.

 

I'm tempted to tell him. But I wonder what good that will bring. Revenge feels like it would be sweet but there are no winners here. We all tread our own path. My lies caught up to my soul. And now it is time to pay the piper. Sooner or later our lives are laid bare.