Groovy Posted December 27, 2004 Posted December 27, 2004 I have been on 5 dates with a guy I have known casually for 1 year. We played soccor together and e-mailed for a while, occassionally went to parties together. Tonight he asked me where we are, what we are. I told him we are feeling each other out and don't know what we want. But that he is more than just a friend because we are dating. He asked if I am dating anyone else. I told him no, not because I know he's perfect for me and I love him or anything but because I would like to focus on us and explore a potential I think is there. He confessed he does want to see others. And he doesn't want to sleep with me soon because he knows I take sex seriously and he'd hate to hurt me and throw our friendship away. That he hopes to abstain from casual sex, period. I love his honesty. I told him it would be fair for me to network with other people if he is. I know women tend to be O.K with being exclusive sooner than men. I have had men lie to me hoping I'll sleep with them so I am O.K with his forthrightness. And if he told me we are exclusive, based on knowing men I just wouldn't believe him. But it seems unless you work with men, or take classes with them, where they see a lot of you and get to know you... they have a hard time ever giving a lot of effort into anything long term. They simply get distracted too easily and the "grass is greener on the other side" applies as they wander about. I was wondering when do men usually feel like they want to be exclusive, obviously it varies, but is it usually after 3 dates, 2 months, 6 months, or a year? I usually give a man 2 months to decide is we should focus on just each other or not. I feel if they don't know by then how can I expect a LTR to flourish? I'd be interested in a poll....
alphamale Posted December 27, 2004 Posted December 27, 2004 never before six months of regular dating for me. I like to make 'em work to get me.
sean001 Posted December 27, 2004 Posted December 27, 2004 Well the first problem is that you assume any man WANTS to be exclusive. I look at exclusivity like a bargain. I do it, you do it. For me, it saves the trouble of having to do a beatdown of potential suitors everytime I go pick up my date. Having that convenience is very nice when seeing someone, and, with my busy lifestyle, I like convenience. So it depends on how often I want to deal with that problem. Usually within a couple months I''m tired of the BS and ready to hang up the gloves.
Author Groovy Posted December 27, 2004 Author Posted December 27, 2004 I appreciate the input. I do not assume ANY man wants to be exclusive. I am 32 and there are men in their 40's and 50's still enjoying the single life and will be possibly forever. I usually give it 2 months and am thinking maybe I am not cutting the guy enough slack. I figure if I date others if I am with someone who wants to "Play the Field", sometimes they realize they don't want the competition and he feels more certain of his desires and feelings. I am just wondering whether my expectations of him knowing in 2 months, say maybe 8-10 dates is enough. Obviously everyone is different, but if only the minority of men know in this time then maybe I should change the way I date.
sean001 Posted December 27, 2004 Posted December 27, 2004 This sounds like an important issue for CNN. I wouldn't call an LS poll very scientific, so don't change your routine based on that...
sweetadeline Posted December 27, 2004 Posted December 27, 2004 Someone I've only had two dates with just said he was ready to be exclusive, which seems a little fast to me (and I'd appreciate anyone else's take on that). But I've also been in situations where guys freak out at the "e" word after a couple of months. I think it depends on the guy--there are no hard and fast rules.
alphamale Posted December 27, 2004 Posted December 27, 2004 Originally posted by sweetadeline Someone I've only had two dates with just said he was ready to be exclusive, which seems a little fast to me (and I'd appreciate anyone else's take on that). But I've also been in situations where guys freak out at the "e" word after a couple of months. I think it depends on the guy--there are no hard and fast rules. it depends on the dude. If a guy can get and date many women then usually he will wait to become exclusive as long as he can. Now if some dude does not attract many women or does not have other possibilities then they tend to want to become exclusive faster. It all depends on the person. This also applies to women.
Angelus666 Posted December 27, 2004 Posted December 27, 2004 Originally posted by sweetadeline Someone I've only had two dates with just said he was ready to be exclusive, which seems a little fast to me (and In my opinion, that is way too fast. For me, the ideal time cannot be give out after a number of dates or months or years. It is when both of you agree and are ready to have intimate relations. Just my $0.02
snilljente Posted December 27, 2004 Posted December 27, 2004 I think it depends on each individual situation...I do think 2 dates is way too soon, but I have known after a month with someone and with others, I have been unsure...I just think it has to do with the way the "relationship" evolves and the mutual feelings involved....and what both people are looking for and if they feel like they have possibly found it in each other.....
brandon Posted January 19, 2005 Posted January 19, 2005 i disagree. i probably have less expereince, but I do date casually fiarly often. I would never "date" more than one woman at any given time. 2 dates - yeah, i would say that enough to stop dating others. give it a chance. if after 4 dates it sucks, then you date someone else. its just not fiar to the other person
tanbark813 Posted January 19, 2005 Posted January 19, 2005 For me, I've always entered exclusivity between 1 and 2 months. With the exception of the most recent ex, all other times the girl initiated "the talk". I have, however, dated a girl casually for a year and never was exclusive with her because I didn't want to be. But she never brought it up either so it worked out fine.
Hund1976 Posted January 19, 2005 Posted January 19, 2005 I think it depends on the guy, some guys would probably be happy dating multiple girls their whole lives if they could. I normally just date one girl at a time just because I think its easier to think about how you feel about someone when you can concentrate on them. But some people are more into the Bachelor scenario where they have 25 suitors and whittle them down.
Cecelius Posted January 19, 2005 Posted January 19, 2005 Brightline rule? Never less than 6 months. I may actually desire it sooner and it may ease its way into exclusivity sooner, but I'd never participate in a talk about it prior to the 6 month mark unless there was truly something special about the girl. And I would never, ever bring it up myself. Also, I would not become exclusive until physical intimacies were present.
elle naturelle Posted January 20, 2005 Posted January 20, 2005 hey everyone, after reading through i have a similar situation. dated this guy about 7 years ago when i was 18-19. things were going great but i wanted to explore travel and school before committing to a relationship. this decision was mutual. last june i 'snail mailed' a letter to his parents house, wishing him well and mentioning i thought about how he was doing. his parents forwarded him the message. he called a few months later in september. since then, we have spent some amazing weekends together as well as a few dates during the week. we are both VERY driven in business (entrepreneurs), are fit active and healthy, and have a passion that we both agree does not exist between anyone else we know. what is the problem you ask?? to date, we still keep things casual, do not talk during the week on a regular basis and have no real committment to anything. he says that he is too busy to see other girls and has a large task of business development ahead of him. i am in no rush to settle down but do not want to give the impression that i will wait for exclusivity either. i have expressed how i felt for him by saying that i could not help falling for him and although we did not see each other over the holidays (maintained regular playful text messaging by phone) he contacted me and asked me over this past weekend. we had a great time friday and he even called to say that although he wanted to see me saturday, he had a job that he wasnt sure he could finish on time to still get enough sleep for a big day at whistler the following day. we did have a late night afterall! today is wednesday and i have not heard a peep. please provide some insight here.....
VirginiaBob Posted January 20, 2005 Posted January 20, 2005 Well, if you are actually interested in my response, I usually know within 3 to 5 dates. If you want to know something that I did that was crazy, I proposed to my ex-fiance after only knowing her for 3 weeks, and she said yes immediately. I won't make that mistake again though.
joeyNoelle Posted January 20, 2005 Posted January 20, 2005 I don't think that htere is a right number of months etc before it is the right time to get more serious..... it depends on the two of you. With me i usually don't bother pushing it.... if they don't show that they want to be exclusive when I know Iam ready then i simply can't be bothered ie I'm wasting my time and move on. Who wants to be with someone that isn't really sure if they want to be with you? My boyfriend of now asked me to be his official 'girlfriend' etc about a month or so into dating eachother .... it came as a shcok because for right then the last guy i was seeing before him was still contacting me ... but i wasn't interested anymore...although i replied to tell him so subtly.... so then we became exclusive...... otherwise if he hadn't made that commitment i may have thought he's just not that interested in me and i would have started to wander.
Author Groovy Posted January 20, 2005 Author Posted January 20, 2005 Hi VB, yes I am interested in your response. Sorry for our forum feud, truce accepted. I am no longer dating this guy because he lied to me and that ruined it for me. I get dates easily, but most people are looking for casual sex, no matter who you are. It seems men lie and tell me what I want to hear after they realize I will not put out under certain circumstances. One would think they wouldn't lie for a few weeks continously but I was proven wrong by someone with pretty bad morals I guess. After I made this post he did go "exclusive" (which was a lie) and called me 3 times a day, ranted about me, etc until 3 weeks I found out I was set up by a 40 year old boy with no balls. I waited a 1 1/2 years to have sex with someone I liked enough and dated at least a few months. (Someone passed away in my life and I stopped dating for a while too). Let me say the 90 seconds he lasted did not make it worth it. And when he broke it off with me due to my issues or irritation I was not feeling like I lost much. And I spoke to this hot guy today I used to work with and always thought he was very smart. Well he is seperated from his wife now for 6 months and lives a lone. He wanted to hang out. He told me he has been strapped for 11 years and wants to get out. But I know he's not looking for a relationship and pointed out to me that he is very horny and has needs no longer met. I told him if he wants to flirt with me and have a drink fine. If he wants to come over and screw me tomorrow that's not fine. Deep down inside though I wish I was a dirty shallow whore who could just enjoy a good screw because I could really use one. But that heart of glass would shatter if I attempted it. Maybe it's the fact my mother told me I'd go to hell for pre-marital sex, if I am going to hell anyway...... So I probably won't see him. But I have to say I respected him being a pig and being honest about where he is right now versus lying to me. But thanks for the posts, I guess it does depend on the guy.
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