jayr Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 I've been with my BF for almost 2 years. We live together and everything is great. If I made a list of everything I wanted in a guy, he'd check every box. More than anything I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But I don't feel like I'm going to. When we first met he said he wanted to be a dad so bad and couldn't wait for it. And it was obvious how much he wanted them. When I told him that I couldn't have kids he said that was fine and he didn't need them. He started saying he didn't want kids ever, and stuff like that. Fast forward to this August... In August I found out that I was pregnant. I knew it wasn't going to last. I have a medical condition that stops pregnancies from developing. But there was a bit of hope that it might last. My BF was extremely stressed because he wasn't ready for a baby yet. After a couple months he started getting excited for the baby, then I miscarried (in October). Now he never says he doesn't like kids or doesn't want them. He said he wants to try next year. He talks about having kids a lot. He talks about things like what sports he'd want them to be in, how life would be with them, etc. He clearly wants them. He still says he doesn't, but he obviously does. He's only saying it because I can't have them. I don't understand why he says he wants to try next year when he knows it won't work. It just makes me more upset. I feel like his desire to have kids is going to get even stronger when he's actually ready to have them. I use to feel so sure that we'd be together forever. We both did. But now I don't feel sure at all. I feel sure we won't last because of this. He wants kids, I can't have them. End of story. Right?
Imported Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 You two know each other? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/437597-do-i-break-up-her-because-she-can-t-have-kids :laugh::laugh: 1
carhill Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 He wants kids, I can't have them. End of story. Right? Part of the reason many people mate is to bear offspring. Witness the billions of them running around. I got married because I wanted a family. I recall a lovely lady with whom I had an intense and passionate love affair telling me at one point 'I know you want children. I can no longer give you that'. For her, it was natural. She was older (mid 40's) and was already a grandmother. So, 'children' would have been her 15yo daughter who was still at home. TBH, that dynamic was a small disincentive to continuing with her, but it wasn't a dealbreaker as being a stepfather was enough 'children' for me. Another man might feel differently. It sounds like you and your BF have a fundamental incompatibility, presuming 'traditional' genetic offspring is the only path. Wish I had better news. 1
happywithlife Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Have you breeched the subject of adoption?
Author jayr Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 I'm not interested in adoption at all. It's been proven that adopting a child takes more work because they almost always have some sort of problems. That's not something I'm interested in. It's also really hard to adopt in my country and harder because less and less people are putting their kids up for adoption. So almost all of the kids available are older and have problems. I know they needs homes too, but it's not something I want to deal with. We'd have to go international to adopt and even then they have problems and it costs $20,000-$80,000. Anyways, he wants his own kids.
runningfar Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 I'm not interested in adoption at all. It's been proven that adopting a child takes more work because they almost always have some sort of problems. That's not something I'm interested in. It's also really hard to adopt in my country and harder because less and less people are putting their kids up for adoption. So almost all of the kids available are older and have problems. I know they needs homes too, but it's not something I want to deal with. We'd have to go international to adopt and even then they have problems and it costs $20,000-$80,000. Anyways, he wants his own kids. If you refuse any flexibility as a partnership than perhaps you shouldn't. I can't have children either, and my fiancé wants them- we are adopting. I do want children though. If you don't want children and he does than it's incompatible. Period
Author jayr Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 I want children, I never said I didn't. I just can't have them. Not everyone wants to adopt.
nescafe1982 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 What about a surrogate? If you want children and it's just the medical issue that prevents you from carrying to term, there are many ways you two can make it happen. If your concerns are whether you *want* children, however, that's a whole other bag of apples. (Edit to add: I see from your post above that you do want kids for certain.) But if you and him both want kids, and are agreed (or mostly agreed) on a timeline, maybe it's time to have a discussion with him about what you should do: a surrogate, an adoption (you're wrong about adoptive kids always being "problems," though... you can adopt a newborn if you're concerned about behavioral issues), etc. But if you want to spend your life with him, and vice versa... this is a mere obstacle, not a dealbreaker. Talk with him about it, openly and honestly. YOu might find that he isn't as hung up on the science behind it as you think. Good luck to you both!
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