beelibra Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 So I saw this on a website and this pretty much explains how he is sometimes. *He’s insecure and doubts you He plays mind games and tries to trap you with tricky, unnecessary questions. He tries confusing you into giving him contradictory answers which makes you feel like you are the bad person in the relationship. we are in a long distance relationship and see each other every 3 weeks or so. He's in Arizona and I'm in California. We are very much in love and crazy about each other, and we know that we are the right person for each other and always let each other know that. He stayed a week with me last week and ask me how many people I slept with, I answered (not a bad number at all) and he was just very upset and we pretty much argued till the next day. This morning he randomly texted me first thing have I ever had anal sex and is Just in this rut like he doubt us. he told me sometimes it's just his insecurities that are destructive and he needs time together his thoughts and we haven't talked all day. He really does make me feel like I'm the bad guy in the relationship, & I try my best to reassure him in understand because he has been screwed over in the past and so have I. But sometimes there's nothing that I can say to help him and he's even said the same thing. The thought of losing him rips me apart but I'm concerned because there has been a few times where his insecurities come out and cause a fight. I don't know what to do, but it's really starting to hurt me. We're progressing in our relationship and I will be staying with him for 3 weeks next month and I'm just worried more problems like this will come up. We are very strong and very in love and I want to be the strong woman to help heal him and have us get through this together and defeat both of our insecurities together, but how if he doesn't let me?I've asked him to communicate with me differently and not so harshly, but he says that's just the way he is. When we've gotten into an argument before he told me he's possessive of what he cares about. He so up front with his problems but wont work on them with me. I really need some insight and if there's any other helpful information you guys would like to know please ask. Thank you so much I'm very lost. :'( 1
Philosoraptor Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 This is controlling behavior and you should not stand for it. Tell him straight up "I have a past and you have a past, and neither are relevant in the present or the future." if he gives you any push back I would not take a trip to see him. This controlling behavior is abusive and does not bode well for the future if he grabs onto this, beats you down with it, and refuses to discuss it in a healthy manner. His jealousy over your past, things that occurred before you even knew him, has zero bearance in your current relationship. Furthermore just because he was screwed in the past doesn't mean he has any right to take it out on you. He's showing controlling behavior and it's not your job to heal it. He either needs to fix it or you need to leave. 2
ja123 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 (edited) I agree with the above. You know, I met a guy like this ... moved in together, wasted my thirties, and lost everything when I left. For all my efforts, he never became a secure, happy person. Like your guy, he brought his problems in the open but refused to get help. And the one he loved the most and who loved him the most (me) he hurt and scarred and beat down until she was a hollow shell of who she used to be - then he even had the nerve to criticize for that and victimize me more. I was damned if I did, and damned if I didn't. Please find the strength to break it off with this guy. And give up on being a "fixer" yourself. Give your love to you first. Look into codependency. Good luck! EDIT: I said "lost everything when I left." Truthfully, I could only leave when there was nothing left to lose. I had lost it all already. Avoid years of pain and heartbreak and leave. Go NC. Edited November 19, 2013 by ja123 1
Kate9292 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 So I saw this on a website and this pretty much explains how he is sometimes. *He’s insecure and doubts you He plays mind games and tries to trap you with tricky, unnecessary questions. He tries confusing you into giving him contradictory answers which makes you feel like you are the bad person in the relationship. we are in a long distance relationship and see each other every 3 weeks or so. He's in Arizona and I'm in California. We are very much in love and crazy about each other, and we know that we are the right person for each other and always let each other know that. He stayed a week with me last week and ask me how many people I slept with, I answered (not a bad number at all) and he was just very upset and we pretty much argued till the next day. This morning he randomly texted me first thing have I ever had anal sex and is Just in this rut like he doubt us. he told me sometimes it's just his insecurities that are destructive and he needs time together his thoughts and we haven't talked all day. He really does make me feel like I'm the bad guy in the relationship, & I try my best to reassure him in understand because he has been screwed over in the past and so have I. But sometimes there's nothing that I can say to help him and he's even said the same thing. The thought of losing him rips me apart but I'm concerned because there has been a few times where his insecurities come out and cause a fight. I don't know what to do, but it's really starting to hurt me. We're progressing in our relationship and I will be staying with him for 3 weeks next month and I'm just worried more problems like this will come up. We are very strong and very in love and I want to be the strong woman to help heal him and have us get through this together and defeat both of our insecurities together, but how if he doesn't let me?I've asked him to communicate with me differently and not so harshly, but he says that's just the way he is. When we've gotten into an argument before he told me he's possessive of what he cares about. He so up front with his problems but wont work on them with me. I really need some insight and if there's any other helpful information you guys would like to know please ask. Thank you so much I'm very lost. :'( You sound like very loving and caring woman, save your love and care for less damaged person. He doesn't sound like he wants to change his ways. What he does is pretty much verbal abuse.
Acacia98 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 We are very strong and very in love and I want to be the strong woman to help heal him and have us get through this together and defeat both of our insecurities together, but how if he doesn't let me? Sorry for the pain you're going through. I hope you realize that you can't heal him. The only person who can address his issues is him (with the help of a qualified professional). You can certainly support him if he makes the decision to do something constructive to address his insecurities, but unless he does that, the healthiest thing for you to do will be to break up with him.
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