Roman_D Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 Hey Guys - i'm new here and looking for some advice. I've already choose a path, but wanted some feedback on my crazy situation - Met my girlfriend at work about 2 1/2 years ago. We started as purely friends then it escalated into a great relationship one year ago.Middle of this year, we decided to move in together. We live, work, and of course"play together". This was okay until around a 7-8 weeks ago.I felt her to start pulling away. No more lunches or coffee's at work. She goes to bars every weekend with a recently single girl friend. Last but not least, she struck up a sudden friendship with a different co-worker.A month ago i confronted her about this co-worker since she has dedicated all her time to this guy. Coffee, lunches, etc. She said they are just friends, and he is not her type.I find out that she has been texting him, and I don't believe he knows she has a boyfriend.We are fighting a lot, no physical contact, it feels like i'm the only one trying.Trying to hold on to a relationship makes you insecure - i checked her personal journal last week and found out that she 1) kissed this co-worker almost two weeks prior, she wrote that "he doesn't know i have a boyfriend, and i wont tell him". Also "I have been attracted to him ever since he started" "I find him to be a complete distraction at work"To make it even worse she didicated a page on how "I'm just not physically attracted to my boyfriend, and havent wanted to be physical in a very long time"All this being said, I read it, put it down, grabbed a bunch of my things and left a note. I have great friends/family in the area so I have a place to stay. Here's the part i'd like some advice on. After constantly trying to work on the relationship for the past two months, and having my girlfriend be emotionally involved in a CO-WORKER, and taking the added step of being physical - i can't talk to her. I'm completely in freeze out mode. She has sent me text messages, missed calls, voicemails, emails. To which, I havent replied at all. We work on the same office and I just carry on my day seeing this guy she kissed and her. It's tough and i'm trying my best, but at least i've been honest to myself and trying to get better each day. Am i going down the right path? Does she deserve closure? I only left her a note when i grabbed my stuff.
Grumpybutfun Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Roman: I think you are handling this very well as long as you have the closure you need. She obviously was not working on your relationship and had already started to move on via kissing another guy and spending all her time with him. Honestly, the deceit she showed you would be enough for me to determine that she isn't worth my time or effort. Get the rest of your stuff and move on. Find some fun things to do to distract yourself and hang out with your friends and family. Cheaters are always cheaters. They lack the integrity and honor to do the right things and are slaves to their base urges like validation, lust and ego. Good luck, Grumps 2
reddragon588 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Wow, you are very strong. When you are ready you can talk to her but for now stay in NC. You are doing the right thing to heal and move on.
Author Roman_D Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 Grump & reddragon - Thank you so much for commenting. I truly appreciate it. It appears that she stopped communicating to this other guy at work, but I'm sure they still talk outside of work. She has looked like a train wreck since I left which was exactly a week ago. It's very tough having to walk around in our office, but I'm definitely doing my best "this doesnt phase me at all" face/swagger.
Author Roman_D Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 And just to be fair, i have never cheated on her, or even thought of any sort of infidelity. If anything I was too much of an advocate for us to live together and spend time with one another. I went above and beyond like I never did before. I put her on a pedestal, and i could not snap out of it. I kept backsliding and saying sorry for things i didn't even do to make sure we are okay. I got walked on and everything my friends/family said is true. I suppose the best thing is that she doesn't understand why I'm not crawling back to her. It's a royal mind**** for her. She's never seen this side of me...the side that doesn't give a ****.
TylerDurdenn Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Roman congrats on handling this so well. 1
soccerrprp Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 [*]To make it even worse she didicated a page on how "I'm just not physically attracted to my boyfriend, and havent wanted to be physical in a very long time" Curious. Why did she do and say this? So, you haven't had a physical relationship in a while? You say you've been working on things. Is your physical appearance one of them? She is no longer attracted to you it seems.... Do you know that she's bothered by what you are doing? Anyway, NC is the way to go.
mickyd Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 My concern for you is what happens when she stops caring that your giving her the silent treatment? Then it's game over and she will be parading around the office with the new guy and you will still be sulking. Much better to be cool, tell her that you are over the whole thing and forgive her, but obviously there is no way you will take her back. And that you honestly wish her and Romeo all the best!!! Then find someone even better and more loving! I wrote this in another thread: I guess it's about being compassionate towards other human beings. Deliberate silence hurts the other person and ultimately it hurts yourself. Once the other person realises that you are emotionally unstable/immature and haven't moved on - they will eventually start laughing about it and then the jokes on you!!! Just saying - Silent Treatment = prolonging the relationship...
Author Roman_D Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 soccerprp - Sorry that was typed wrong it should read "Recently, i'm not physically attracted to my boyfriend, and havent..." The physical part of our relationship went down hill right as the co-worker entered the picture a month ago
Author Roman_D Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 Mickyd - I'm okay with the day she stops caring that i wont talk to her. It's been one week and I'm not ready to talk, and maybe it'll be another week to two before I feel like I want to. She already cut communication with this guy at work, and many other co-workers in this office know that my girlfriend and I are together. She VERY conscious of her professional image and what people think of her. She also knows that I'm the only one that knows the crap she did behind the scenes. It's a sad predicament, but she would never dare flaunt this other co-worker in front of me. She's been doing damage control since this all happened - she's in PR
mickyd Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Humans want resolution. And if you ever really loved her and cared about her, you wouldn't want to see her in mess (whether she deserves it or not). That is the way of the Jedi!
2fargone Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Humans want resolution. And if you ever really loved her and cared about her, you wouldn't want to see her in mess (whether she deserves it or not). That is the way of the Jedi! 7 posts, all about advocating to not ignore someone, based on some cliche statement. I'm starting to wonder about you. What's your story ? 1
leafguy Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Stay the course Roman. DO things on your terms now, not hers. If she is miserable, let her be miserable. Talk to her when YOU are ready. She made the bed, she can lie it in. I may sound harsh, but Im 3 months removed from almost the exact situation, save for 5 years, so I can tell you just do exactly what you are doing. You put her on a pedestal and got walked on. Time to put yourself up there and not look down. I am a firm believer that when you give someone 80% of what they want, they will gradually seek out the 20% they don't have in someone else. Sometimes it happens to be that new and exciting spark. All of a sudden, that 80% walks and all of a sudden, the 20% looks even better for a rebound, then all of a sudden, he 80% you gave looks amazing after they realize what they lose. Keep things professional at work as it affects both of you and I know you likely still care about her well being. But as far as anything elses goes...its all you buddy...all you.
Trick1004 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Wow Roman, Nice work. When you left the note did it contain what you had found out? If so, I don't think you owe her anything until if and when you are ready to talk things over. She checked out, not you. She's been involved with a co-worker behind your back, not you. Let her deal with the mess she's caused herself and keeping moving on with your own life. Trick
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