thegrouch Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 Short story: I am 26 she is 27. We were together for 4 years. My first long term relationship, not hers. She left saying I didn't hang out with her enough or her friends. I was shocked and tried to beg her back for a few weeks. I found out later that she got into another relationship if not the same day of our breakup, then the same week. I then basically harassed her with calls and texts, none of which she answered. I think that's why I kept calling. I eventually mailed her a letter and apologized for the harassing. We have been broken up for about 3 months and I am comming up on six weeks no contact since the letter. I realize now that I was probably acting like the victim, and was apologizing for anything. She told me not to contact her again but I am really feeling the need to apologize for taking her for granted and not appreciating her enough. I don't know if it will do any good though since she has a new boyfriend. What do you guys think? Break NC now? One day? I don't know if I can do never.
Author thegrouch Posted November 18, 2013 Author Posted November 18, 2013 It probably won't. It is hard because I want to get this off of my chest. And how can we ever get back together if I say nothing? I know saying it doesn't mean she will want anything to do with me but not saying it could be worse I feel.
Author thegrouch Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 I'm so worried. I am pretty sure I have lost her forever. She and her new boyfriend have all the same friends and seem to be working out great.
Author thegrouch Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 I agree that it is the new boyfriend in the way of us getting back together. Even so, does me saying something really only hurt my chances?
cavalier99 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 I agree that it is the new boyfriend in the way of us getting back together. Even so, does me saying something really only hurt my chances? Huh? Hurt your chances? Sorry bro but she is gone. It is 100 percent OVER no chance at all even if she broke up with him. Never talk to her again. Go NC hard core. It will get better but you need to stop the denial. No apology/ letter, nothing. She doesnt care anymore. Forget about her man and maintain your self respect. Cav 2
Author thegrouch Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 I still feel like sending her a quick text saying that I realize now that I took her for granted and I didn't appreciate the things she did for me. Maybe just state that and not apologize because she probably has had enough of that. Maybe even say that I probably deserved to be left.
Author thegrouch Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 Huh? Hurt your chances? Sorry bro but she is gone. It is 100 percent OVER no chance at all even if she broke up with him. Never talk to her again. Go NC hard core. It will get better but you need to stop the denial. No apology/ letter, nothing. She doesnt care anymore. Forget about her man and maintain your self respect. Cav How are you so sure that she is 100% over me? It may be true I am just wondering.
clementyne Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 I still feel like sending her a quick text saying that I realize now that I took her for granted and I didn't appreciate the things she did for me. Maybe just state that and not apologize because she probably has had enough of that. Maybe even say that I probably deserved to be left. No, no, no, no, NO!!! Especially the last part. 3
Author thegrouch Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 Ok well I won't say anything yet. I can't promise I won't cave as Christmas and New Years draws closer though.
clementyne Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Ok well I won't say anything yet. I can't promise I won't cave as Christmas and New Years draws closer though. LOL! Delete and block ALL possible avenues of contact. That way you won't be able to even if you wanted to. NC is knocking loudly on your door buddy...better go answer it asap! 1
Author thegrouch Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 Well shortly after we broke up, during one of the times I was in the middle of begging her, I kind of said the breakup was ridiculous. I said it because I didn't understand the reasons I guess. She said "see, you still don't realize what is wrong." I think after that I started guessing and promising to change. What if this is what I didn't realize at the time?
cavalier99 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 (edited) How are you so sure that she is 100% over me? It may be true I am just wondering. Just expereince bro. She broke up with you. She doesnt respond to your communication. And she has a new boyfriend. It is pretty obvious that previous RS is dead and buried. You need to worry about your self and recovering. Time for NC and no looking back. I know it is tough but it is even tougher to be delusional about the whole thing. It is over. Things will get better but you need to decide you want to recover. Not recover her ..because it wont happen. Delete and block everthing that relates to her. Erase her like she doesnt exist. This is step 1. Rock on! Cav Edited November 19, 2013 by cavalier99
Author thegrouch Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 I know you guys don't know for sure, and will caution against this type of thinking, but is there a chance this guy is a rebound? I know that doesn't mean they won't work out. I am inclined to think they stand a good chance.
clementyne Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Take mine, and Cav's and everyone else's who has said 'shut it', and you'll be thankful in the long run. Screw it up, and it's just like setting the reset button. Trust me, I'm right. Cav's right. Clem's right. We're 100% right. Our advice is foolproof. This! You'll be thanking us later, I promise. If you try to contact her now and say those things, it will only reinforce her point that she was right to leave you. Don't sell yourself so short or give her the satisfaction. Instead, write down whatever you wanna say to her, but post it in the "Post here instead of contacting your ex" thread at the top of the Coping Forum, rather than sending it to her. That way, it'll be out of your system risk-free and NC badge intact.
Author thegrouch Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 I guess I hope if I say nothing, maybe she will forget why she left me lol. But her being in another relationship isn't going to make that a quick process.
Author thegrouch Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 You're right that for a real reconciliation it can't be quick. We had broken up in the past but only for a week or two. I know nothing changed during those times. Now here I am 3 months after a breakup and I feel like I have changed. Just no way to show it. I am having a hard time going out and doing things right now though. I have a little bit, but not as much as I probably should. My work schedule has changed since we broke up and I don't have as much time to go out as I once did. Funny, when I did have the time I didn't want to as much. It sucks because I am pretty sure she is doing everything right post breakup and I am not. I am sure she is going out, hanging out with new people and stuff. New boyfriend to top it all off. Hurts.
Author thegrouch Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 Yeah I wish it were just that easy lol. I have went on a couple dates with a girl. Then all of a sudden she said I was better off without her. She didn't give any further explanation and I didn't push it. She did text me a couple weeks later after NC with her just wondering what I was doing at 5 a.m. But I don't think I can pursue it because I am not over my ex. Also don't really think she is interested anymore. Picking up girls was so much easier 4+ years ago lol.
clementyne Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Just focus on yourself for now and try to heal first before getting into something else. You're obviously not ready yet. And there's no right or wrong way of doing things post breakup. Even if she has a new boyfriend it doesn't necessarily mean everything is going perfectly for her. Try not think of them and just do whatever helps you to heal and feel better (except emailing your ex!) 1
Author thegrouch Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 Thanks guys. You bought me at least another day. 1
emi Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Man, u did all u can, u pleaded u begged, thats enough already. Just forgive yourself and move on.
Author thegrouch Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 Man, u did all u can, u pleaded u begged, thats enough already. Just forgive yourself and move on. Yeah I guess you're right. Maybe one day she might think the begging and pleading and realizing I took her for granted go hand in hand. I guess I don't have to express that anymore. Regardless, I think I may reach out after the 6 month post-breakup point. That would be about 4 months NC, if I don't hear from her first. If I still feel like I want to try. Maybe by that time her honeymoon phase will be starting to wear off, or maybe the rejection wouldn't hurt as bad. Honestly, if she did reach out tomorrow, I would try to stick to NC longer, because even though maybe I have changed, I am not so sure she did because she just jumped into a new RS. I know you shouldn't use NC with an end date in mind. But I think that could be a decent amount of time if there is any hope at all. I also know we would have to. start from scratch. Thoughts?
clementyne Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 I just think you need to take her out of the equation cause right now all your actions seem to be motivated by the thought of getting- or attempting to getting- her back. She may or may not come back, but in the meantime you need to get on with your life and not hang around waiting for someone who no longer wants to be with you. Just try to do NC without getting her back as a goal. Do it for you. If she happens to come back that's a different matter, but don't hang around waiting for it to happen. I know it's hard, but at least give it a try.
Author thegrouch Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 One thing I didn't mention about our relationship: about 6-8 months into it, she left me to try and work things out with her previous ex. Who she was also with for 4 years and only separated from for 3 months before we met. That only lasted a couple weeks before I welcomed her back eagerly, also I didn't beg nearly as much. Even went NC almost immediately, though it still hurt. That's about.the time I made my account here. This is good and bad. On one hand, she tried to work it out with her ex after several months, on the other I was a rebound that was somewhat successful. So her rebound could also be successful, lol. Woe is me.
Author thegrouch Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 I just think you need to take her out of the equation cause right now all your actions seem to be motivated by the thought of getting- or attempting to getting- her back. She may or may not come back, but in the meantime you need to get on with your life and not hang around waiting for someone who no longer wants to be with you. Just try to do NC without getting her back as a goal. Do it for you. If she happens to come back that's a different matter, but don't hang around waiting for it to happen. I know it's hard, but at least give it a try. I know that I have to do it for me, but even 6 months later if I still have feelings for her you think I shouldn't try?
clementyne Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 I know that I have to do it for me, but even 6 months later if I still have feelings for her you think I shouldn't try? But it's not just about your feelings is it? What if you still feel the same and she doesn't? You're just gonna be back to square one again in six months time. I'm not saying you can't try, but you have to also be prepared for the pain and disappointment all over again in case she's not interested. Do you think you're strong enough for that?
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