Valentina17 Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 I have been dating a guy for about 3 months now and he is very nice but sometimes I find some of the things he says to be insensitive. I am 21 and average looking and he is 27 and quite handsome. A lot of people give him compliments on his looks and a lot of girls like him and I know this has helped him become the confidant man that he seems but what I don't understand is that if he is confidant than why does he sometimes say things that hurt my feelings? Once we went to go eat at TGI Fridays and I was wearing my jacket and he says to me " you look nice, but maybe its just the jacket, that's probably the nicest compliment you've ever gotten." When he said this to me I was surprised and hurt but I did not want to show him that he had almost made me cry so I just sucked it up and continued with the date and did not say anything. Other things he has said to me are you are so lucky (like to be with him), so many girls are going to be envious of you and you're dumb. Some of these comments he says in a joking way but I wonder if that still makes them ok. He used to be an Olympic Skier and he want to an Ivy League school and graduated with a 4.0 GPA . I don't really have any real achievements in my life and I am not doing very well in college right now. Sometimes I feel inferior to him and I wonder why he is with a girl like me and when he sometime says his insensitive comments it just reaffirms my doubts. I just wanted advice from women who have had similar experiences. Am I maybe taking this too seriously and he just means it in a teasing way or why do some people think its ok to put others down especially people that they say the like. I would really appreciate your advice thank you.
BlessYourCottonSocks Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 One word: Leave Bonus words: What a piece of crap he is. UGH. This is what worries me: I am 21 and average looking and he is 27 and quite handsome. Have more confidence in yourself. Love you. This is the most important thing. It already seems your confidence is low before the relationship and being with a guy who just shatters it even more isn't doing you any good. Show him your worth and walk out on him. He may be "handsome", but it sounds like that is all he has to offer. 4
ASG Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 Have you told him those comments hurt you? Because you need to. Otherwise, he'll just keep saying them. Some guys are just clueless. My ex would say the most hurtful things and not even realise they were ridiculously insulting!
Keenly Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 He's starting to get you to think less of yourself. It also sounds like its working. " I don't have any achievements in my life " Stop letting him win. 2
Kansas87 Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 Um, honestly he sounds like a douche. Leave. Don't stay with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself- that's not what relationships are supposed to be about. You're not overreacting. With the age difference and his behavior it honestly sounds like he's grooming you to become super-submissive and dependent. 1
HorseLuck Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 (edited) Ugh. I just got out of a relationship in which I felt the same way as you, except without the insensitive comments. At least not to that extent..sometimes my ex was unaware what he was saying was hurtful. Yes I've been on the edge of tears too, and questioned my sensitivity many times. In comparison to my boyfriend I felt very inferior. Put myself down so much it makes me sick thinking about.. he has some credentials like yours. I gave him that power though..placed him on a pedastool. I'm still trying to knock it down as we speak, lol. My fault there. Don't bottle up your feelings..eventually your going to burst and resentment is going to build. You need to show some assertiveness. Confront him on the spot and tell him how it bothers you, or shoot him a comment right back and see how he reacts to it. He needs a taste of his own medicine. If he can't take it, he shouldn't dish it out. I don't get the vibe that he's "clueless" in this instance though. Eventually, when I started to become more assertive and blunt (because i got tired of feeling submissive/non-confrontational), problems started arising. It was a 360 for him. Can I ask, why do you think he is with you? Is the relationship good aside from this? What attracted you to one another and how does he treat you in general? Edited November 19, 2013 by HorseLuck
regine_phalange Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 (edited) Dump him and never look back. He will remember you forever as he is so vain. Who cares if he is handsome? I mean bravo to his genes, but it is not an accomplishment. Kindness on the other hand is a choice, and he doesnt do the effort. Edited November 19, 2013 by regine_phalange Grammar 1
regine_phalange Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 By the way he knows he is insensitive. It is possible he is testing the waters to see if you have a backbone or low self esteem. Dont forget, he is with you because he finds you attractive in some way, but he is such a jerk that he doesnt say it loud. I was with such a person in my previous relationship. He was like this at the start, until I slapped him and walked away, started ignoring him, being harsh, breaking up with gim constantly, etc. He then admitted that no woman has ever treated him like I did. He was always on a pedestral because he is good looking and successful. Then he became a saint. A real saint. But this kind of people are not generous emotionally, they only know how to be generous with material stuff as they are so shallow. They also play a lot of games (dont you see?). Believe me, he will tire you and you will soon fall out of love with him. 2
salparadise Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 (edited) He will remember you forever as he is so vain. [...] But this kind of people are not generous emotionally, they only know how to be generous with material stuff as they are so shallow. They also play a lot of games (dont you see?). I'm suspecting narcissistic tendencies. People who are truly confident in themselves don't have a need to put other people down. OP, I think you need to be assertive with this guy and see if he can handle it. The next time he delivers one of those blatantly insensitive putdowns, turn it around and give it to him with both barrels. He will have to either have to deal with his issues or run like hell to keep from facing them. Either way you'll be better off for standing up and demanding to be treated with respect. The status quo is unacceptable. Edited November 19, 2013 by salparadise 1
Pa76 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 You do not deserve this treatment. I feel you need to break up with him. Sure you can talk to him about how he makes you feel bad but it seems like he is one cocky selfish boy. You deserve to be treated well.
Country_Girl Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 Those are complete backhanded compliments. I'd run. Some Pick Up Artists use techniques like that. To me, it's no different than handing someone a gift, then taking it back. Games like these play on your psyche, and are designed to lower your self esteem. You don't need someone like that in your life. Don't ever ever ever let anyone determine your value and worth. Just because he might be "better looking"- well ask yourself, to who? Him? You? His backhanded compliments are already working as designed, he's got you questioning if you're good enough for him. Sounds to me it's the opposite, he's not good enough for you. Ditch this guy, you deserve better!
RedRobin Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 A good rule of thumb is not to spend time around those you don't respect and admire. Take yourself out of the picture for a second... Imagine you were witnessing a conversation between this guy and a woman he was out with. How would you feel about what he just said to her (something he's said to you before)? How would you feel about witnessing the deflated, dejected look on her face when he stomped on her like that? You'd probably feel kind of angry. Right? You probably definitely wouldn't want to get to know a guy better after witnessing him talk to her that way, would you? Now imagine you'd witnessed that scenario again many times (and you have). You'd see it is a pattern and part of his core being. You DEFINATELY wouldn't want to get to know him then. It's not a fluke event. Maybe he'd respond better to a woman who gave it back to him, but is that the kind of person you want to be?? I know I don't. He has some bad habits... habits you certainly don't want to emulate. So, what I would do if I were you is, in a calm moment, just tell him that your communication styles are too different, and send him on his way. Then make sure not to see him again. Behaviors like his are deep rooted. Any nicey-nice would be short-lived. Make sure you end it in a calm moment though... Guys like that love to tell stories about how 'cray cray' some girl was who told him off. When the truth is, he's just a d*ck. You don't need to lower yourself to his behavior.
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