terrenceg1985 Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 hey everybody. im really new here so i hope im doing this right. so story goes when i was 23 i met this awesome girl who fit me like a glove and vice versa. spent three years blissfully in love and was actually prepping to pop the question when seemingly out the blue got dumped like a bad habit. then for the next two years me and her were stuck in this cycle of me being the shoulder to cry on. i was her emotional anchor through her drug abuse and did everything i could to keep this shambling corpse of our relationship alive. out of love and maybe even a little spite i wrote a tell all letter to her sister and mother about her drug abuse. of course she flipped out at that and threatened to have her meth buddy's to come kick my ass. nothing ever came about but still. then about four months later she comes to see me and claims that i saved her life, and how much she still loves me. well we spent about two days locked into each other both physically and emotionally. that ended and nothing sprouted from it but it did re-open that huge hole in my heart that i had begun to close. now here i sit 28 years old and hopeless. i know in my heart of hearts that we will never find our way back to that place. its been about five months since iv spoken to her. i just recently found a girl that i thought was right but that fizzled out rather quickly. and i think it was my fault. i had tried to recreate those feelings of love and companionship with someone who was not ready for that level. but anyway now here i am stuck in this rut. no prospects and honestly not sure if i can support a burgeoning relationship with someone new.
d0nnivain Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 I'm not sure you gave yourself sufficient time to grieve. It takes time & you sound like a supportive guy; most men would not have gone through all that with a druggie. For now why not date casually . . . see what's out there rather than tying yourself down before you are ready.
Author terrenceg1985 Posted November 18, 2013 Author Posted November 18, 2013 thank you for your response donnovain. i know all the things i need to do to get myself back to where i was before her but i just cant seem to pull all the pieces together. i think its just a lack of confidence in myself. i suffer from what i call nice guy syndrome, so its rather difficult for me to adopt the characteristics of men who are successful on the dating field. i have alot of female friends who all tell me im too nice. now i know that i should take those words as a compliment but i know nice in the female dialect equals friend zone. and thats a place that i know all to well.
d0nnivain Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 Too nice can be a problem but there are ways to be a nice guy without being a doormat. If you can give specific examples of how you are too nice, I may be able go help you be the gentleman your parents raised without getting walked all over. The one I see most often is the "nice guy" always does what she wants & never offers contrary opinions. It's OK to say let's go to a specific movie or tonight I'd like to eat at XYZ Restaurant rather than always saying "Whatever you want dear."
Author terrenceg1985 Posted November 18, 2013 Author Posted November 18, 2013 well lets see. i have a tendency to let things that bother me slide. for the sake of avoiding conflict. i was taught to let things roll off my back and pick my battles. now as far as being able to offer contrary opinions thats never been a problem for me, if iv got something to say i say it. or for instance if me and girl X want different restaurants ill try and come up with a compromise. it may be that i just dont really know how, where, and when to say certain things at the proper points. and by point i mean the all important points where the woman im engaging with determines if im a prospective partner or just another guy for the friendzone file.
Mario79 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 I do envy you, you have this knowledge know and can choose to do a lot of things about it. I behave the same way with my ex, which eventually built up resentment towards her as well. I dont really know you, but I do find similarities with me. I went through a messy break up where I mustve humiliated myself at least twice to keep her. I always knew I had low self esteem, but I also now know, I am proud and not the least humble. I have so many areas that I have been lacking in. If you feel stuck in a rut because you dont have someone, that maybe your first thing to address, cause your happiness should depend on someone.
rec88 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Dang Terrence you've been through a lot with this girl. You have a lot invested so I understand the heartache. If I may throw in my two cents... I think it's a noble thing you did hanging in there through her addiction problem, and I don't think the term 'doormat' quite applies here. Obviously you gave a lot of ground in terms of your own boundaries and got burned. It's a very treacherous line to walk and you ran a big risk in doing it. In the end I think you did the right thing by putting it in her family's hands. The relationship didn't work, but you helped another person out of a dark place at great personal sacrifice, and that's something to be proud of. As far as being a 'nice guy', I agree with D0nnivain, there's nothing wrong with helping people. Women love compassion! Just make sure you can spot the difference between a situation where someone truly needs help, and one where you are just making their life a little more convenient. The nice guys I've seen get into a habit of overextending on the latter. That is being a doormat, in my opinion. Anyway remember how important the lessons learned about your own boundaries are and apply them to your next relationship. It takes practice, but confidence and self esteem will come if you make a habit of standing up for yourself. You sound like a thoughtful and caring person. I hope things get easier for you.
lovecomesandgoes Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 None of my past ex's moved on properly after I dumped them, some has been years. They all had their fair share of flings and whatnot, some even girlfriends, but from what I heard, all of those fizzled out as fast as you could blink. I truly believe when a guy loves a girl genuinely, he may not show it all the time, but when he loses her, he will not be the same for a very long time. Every new girl he meets he will compare to his favourite(best) ex, the one who set the bench-mark high, the one who made him feel secure, the one who made his heart melt b/c he adored her like no other. It is hard to give your love to someone new and love takes A LOT of time plus circumstances to develop. You must be patient, it may be years until you find someone who makes you feel alive again. If you rush into finding a new girl, often, you will end up feeling worse b/c the new girl makes you miss the old one that much more. Time heals almost everything, reminisce the good times with your ex and sleep it off, tomorrow is another day.
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