Author melell Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 Thanks everyone who understood where I was coming from. He did leave me, but it was pretty mutual I wanted him to get help or leave, he became heavily addicted to drugs and was just in self destruct mode. I was just completing my masters but everything was falling to pieces because of his actions (disappearing, car crashes etc). He went ahead and continued that lifestyle, I left him to it. Something clicked in the beginning when he first left, I had a very sick relative pass away (they had been close), and my graduation. There was no word from him, it hurt, but I left it at that. Then he started to contact me (often while under the influence), and when I did answer he would be angry and complaining about things going bad for him in his life. I stopped responding. On a few sober occasions he came to my house begging me to take him back. I couldn't do it. I felt terrible, but there was no winning. All of these things just killed it for me, it is like the touch the fire get burned deal. Something in me recognized how detrimental knowing him is to my happiness- especially when the majority of our past had been so loving and good, the reality of it hurt a lot. I don't want to know him or talk to him again (ever), it isn't good for me. I just feel really guilty for feeling that way about someone I once loved.
Raena Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 My question was 'should I feel guilty about not wanting to know him at all anymore' No, I don't think you should feel guilty about it. I've been in your shoes... was married once and when I left I was very sure that I never wanted to be with him again and that I wasn't even sure I really liked who he had become over the 8 years I was with him. We did, however, keep in contact for about 3 years and then I moved away, he got remarried and we stopped talking as much. Every once in a while he will pop back up into my life and we will talk. I still don't have feelings about him. I have no desire to do so either. I think it shows that you are genuinely over the relationship. It hurts to be on the receiving end of this, so you should probably be mindful of his feelings but you can't help how you feel and you shouldn't feel guilty for it either. 1
Ftheeastcoast Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Thanks everyone who understood where I was coming from. He did leave me, but it was pretty mutual I wanted him to get help or leave, he became heavily addicted to drugs and was just in self destruct mode. I was just completing my masters but everything was falling to pieces because of his actions (disappearing, car crashes etc). He went ahead and continued that lifestyle, I left him to it. Something clicked in the beginning when he first left, I had a very sick relative pass away (they had been close), and my graduation. There was no word from him, it hurt, but I left it at that. Then he started to contact me (often while under the influence), and when I did answer he would be angry and complaining about things going bad for him in his life. I stopped responding. On a few sober occasions he came to my house begging me to take him back. I couldn't do it. I felt terrible, but there was no winning. All of these things just killed it for me, it is like the touch the fire get burned deal. Something in me recognized how detrimental knowing him is to my happiness- especially when the majority of our past had been so loving and good, the reality of it hurt a lot. I don't want to know him or talk to him again (ever), it isn't good for me. I just feel really guilty for feeling that way about someone I once loved. You should have mentioned he was using drugs, it's a key factor. I mean, you have a masters degree and even if he's just smoking weed, that's weak. Next he's going to try and get clean for you. My question is: why you didn't end it with him sooner?
Author melell Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 ftheeastcoast- there is no element of nc or contact here (in the bu sense), because I have no motive, I am not trying to move on or achieve anything. It bothers me none if he thinks I am amazing, or scum. There isn't, and won't be any meaningful exchange between us. What I am struggling with is the moral elements of practically disowning someone after knowing them so long.
Author melell Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 My question is: why you didn't end it with him sooner? I loved him, for the first 5 years things were wonderful, the next 2 years was addiction and me trying to be supportive when he tried to get help, the last year was me at a 'I don't give a f*** anymore' stage, which ultimately led to him either having to get help or leave.
Ftheeastcoast Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 ftheeastcoast- there is no element of nc or contact here (in the bu sense), because I have no motive, I am not trying to move on or achieve anything. It bothers me none if he thinks I am amazing, or scum. There isn't, and won't be any meaningful exchange between us. What I am struggling with is the moral elements of practically disowning someone after knowing them so long. I never said you were. But still, there is no "break up sense" to NC, it's simply about you focusing on yourself and getting past someone. Just because most people here think it's about reverse psychology doesn't change it's purpose. It's possible to hurt and not want someone back so, It's advised whether or not you want them back. What you misinterpreted is that, by ignoring him he's just fiending for you and makes you draw further away.
HokeyReligions Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 It took hubby 62 years to finally give himself permission to not love his mother and especially to NOT feel guilty about it. You don't need anyone's permission but your own. 3
Author melell Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 What you misinterpreted is that, by ignoring him he's just fiending for you and makes you draw further away. Ohhh, I see what you mean. I was hoping that lack of contact would help him forget and get on with himself just as it helps dumpees.
Author melell Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 It took hubby 62 years to finally give himself permission to not love his mother and especially to NOT feel guilty about it. You don't need anyone's permission but your own. Thank you for this, it really helps.
mtnbiker3000 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 It took hubby 62 years to finally give himself permission to not love his mother and especially to NOT feel guilty about it. You don't need anyone's permission but your own. Yeah. This is where I'm at. TBH - my recent RS and BU are only a small part of what's going on inside, and it has taken me 42 years to realize I've got much more pressing and serious issues to sort out. Which should, by theory, allow me to find a little more happiness and success in all areas of life, including intimacy and romance. Use a BU to dig deep, that's my motto...
Author melell Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 Yeah. This is where I'm at. TBH - my recent RS and BU are only a small part of what's going on inside, and it has taken me 42 years to realize I've got much more pressing and serious issues to sort out. Which should, by theory, allow me to find a little more happiness and success in all areas of life, including intimacy and romance. Use a BU to dig deep, that's my motto... Excellent perspective, and really inspiring, a big thank you for sharing.
Trick1004 Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 My two cents, it's fine to never speak to them again. I don't think ignoring is a power play against them, for me it's how I've been able to move on. I certainly don't feel guilty about it. Like someone posted earlier, when someone ends the rs in my mind that means its DONE. I am under no obligation or required to remain "friends" especially when the bu happened out of the blue and caught me totally by surprise. Me and the ex talked about this topic while we were together. She stayed in contact or "friends" (still not sure what this means) with her ex's. As for me, I haven't seen or spoken to any of mine once the rs ended. I don't think the ex believed me, but she is finding out I was dead serious. Unless there is a sincere attempt to reconcile or give some kind of closure there is no need to respond to anything. I have better things to spend my energy on. Trick 5
NoMoreJerks Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 I guess it's about being compassionate towards other human beings. Deliberate silence hurts the other person and ultimately it hurts yourself. Once the other person realises that you are emotionally unstable/immature and haven't moved on - they will eventually start laughing about it and then the jokes on you!!! Just saying - Silent Treatment = prolonging the relationship... No, this is just not true. In many cases, not responding to an ex who dumped you is not about controlling them or manipulating them. It's about maintaining some self-respect after the sh*t they pulled on you, and really not wanting to get involved with them in any way. My ex disgusts me and I can't accept the idea of responding to him because it'd be disrespectful to me, to want to talk to him after all that he did to me (cheating, 3 break-ups, verbal abuse,etc.). I have been the "bigger person" in the relationship, but it is not up to me to be the bigger person once I am discarded and in the meanest way possible.. I do not feel any need to talk to my ex. It doesn't add anything to my life. I don't want him as a friend, and he should get the hint that I don't want him to contact me. I will not be blackmailed into getting into a friendship with him just because my lack of response might be interpreted as a silent treatment. I am not playing any games. I am not a player in his mind games anymore...if there is a mind game, he's the only participant in it. silence is not the same as silent treatment. 2
NoMoreJerks Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 If they were really mean and dumped you in a mean way - take the moral high ground!!! That's ridiculous. Take the moral high ground? Really? By doing what? Sure, by not being mean, but I don't think silence is about being mean. It's about not playing along with their mind games. Silence is not the same as silent treatment: it's not a strategy to get them back or hurt them. It's about moving on and not getting stuck in the drama because people who are so mean and won't stop contacting you, are inevitably into mind games. Taking the "moral high ground" only boosts their ego and rewards them for their behavior. No thanks. I'll just walk away from it all by being silent. 1
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