melell Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 I am 26, and after 8 years with someone the concept of never talking to them again seems so harsh, and just plain wrong. We lived together the whole time, and traveled together working/studying/living in different cities- so there weren't many 'friends', it was just us. It has been 5 months + since we broke up. He did come back, but I didn't want it. At this point I have seen some sides to him that have put me off for life, I mean I wouldn't even want to be friends with this person. When he reaches out (every few weeks) I feel a bit annoyed, inconvenienced, like I just don't want to deal with him. It isn't nc, I just ignore because I can't be bothered. I am at the point now where I really have no desire to ever speak to him again, I don't want to know him in any way, and I genuinely don't respect/like him as a person. Nothing specific has happened to cause this, I just see him in a different light since time has passed. The thing that gets in the way is that we were together for 8 years, I don't feel great about myself for cutting someone out, especially not someone I had spent all of my adult life with thus far. Thoughts? 1
aaron11892 Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 It sounds like you have reached the acceptance stage of the break up. Well done! I feel I am almost there 2.5 months after the break up aswell
d0nnivain Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 I ended a longer relationship & for all intents & purposes never spoke to him again. In fact I was in his office building today -- 10+ years later -- didn't see him or speak to him. If I had accidently bumped into him which has happened on other occasions when I was in that building for work - we were civil but that's about it. It is odd that the person is no longer in your life after they were such a big part of it but time marches on. My Ex has a pretty unique specialty for work & there have been occasions when I wish I could tap into his expertise. He once told me I could but years ago -- maybe 7 years after we broke up -- I reached out with a question only to be ignored. I even sent the actual question so he could have given me a specific answer without any personal drama but instead I got nothing. I had only tried that because he told me it would be OK to ask. It kind of annoyed me that he didn't respond but then I reminded myself that behavior like that contributed to the break up in the 1st place.
SadPanda22 Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 I was with my first boyfriend for about 8 years (from 19 to 26). He broke up with me over a year and a half ago and I have not spoken a word to him since. He has contacted me numerous times (nothing important or meaningful) since the break up and I have ignored him every single time. There is nothing wrong with ignoring someone that you have no respect for as a person, even if you were together for a long time. Don't feel bad, you aren't being harsh. 1
2fargone Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 It's perfectly ok. I'm always attracted to people from far away (other countries) so when we break up we don't even have to bump into eachother. I wouldn't have known them if it wasn't by some weird coincidence, and I don't have to know them after we break up. 2
Chi townD Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 When we preach NC, some are under the impression that we mean "forever". But, that's not the case. We stay in NC until all romantic feelings we have for our Ex's is gone and when we think about them, we are only indifferent towards them. If you get to that point, then and ONLY then, should you even consider entering a friendship with them. Look up a thread that was started today or yesterday by TheonlyJuan titled I am free, or something like that. That should give you an indication of what NC will ultimately accomplish.
mickyd Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 (edited) Ignoring someone completely is pretty nasty. Especially after 8 years. It is controlling and inhumane. Being silent is a way of seeking attention and it is an emotional reaction. So if you are really over him, you need to stop acting emotionally and he will stop feeding on it and move on. You need to start behaving and communicating like an adult - be platonic. It is always better to end on a good note if you can. I posted this elsewhere - There are 2 kinds of people in this world: 1. Sweet people with big open loving hearts who are committed to making a relationship work. 2. People who play games and believe that love and relationships are disposal. They are shallow and enjoy watching their ex suffer. While they enjoy the attention of you wanting them - they also find it unattractive and a major turn off. Type 1 people cannot understand how someone could possibly be turned off by someone loving, caring and wanting them - so this is very confusing and upsetting for them. Edited November 18, 2013 by mickyd 1
2fargone Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 Ignoring someone completely is pretty nasty. Especially after 8 years. It is controlling and inhumane. Being silent is a way of seeking attention and it is an emotional reaction. So if you are really over him, you need to stop acting emotionally and he will stop feeding on it and move on. You need to start behaving and communicating like an platonic adult. It is always better to end on a good note if you can. I posted this elsewhere - There are 2 kinds of people in this world: 1. Sweet people with big open loving hearts who are committed to making a relationship work. 2. People who play games and believe that love and relationships are disposal. They are shallow and enjoy watching their ex suffer. While they enjoy the attention of you wanting them - they also find it unattractive and a major turn off. Type 1 people cannot understand how someone could possibly be turned off by someone loving, caring and wanting them - so this is very confusing and upsetting for them. And yet it's not about them anymore. And there isn't a relationship anymore. Yes, cutting contact is controlling, it's about controlling yourself, not the other.... There are plenty of people that are not or no longer in my life and I don;t communicate with them. Why should an ex be any different ? When I'm not hungry anymore I stop eating. When I see no reason to communicate anymore I'll stop communicating. 4
Sugarkane Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 Its not nasty if they dumped you cruelly the first place. And everyone here says "let the dumper contact you first". Everyone here told me to go NC on the Ahole who dumped me cruelly. And everyone usually says don't contact years later, because you just look like a psycho. Ignoring someone completely is pretty nasty. Especially after 8 years. It is controlling and inhumane. Being silent is a way of seeking attention and it is an emotional reaction. So if you are really over him, you need to stop acting emotionally and he will stop feeding on it and move on. You need to start behaving and communicating like an adult - be platonic. It is always better to end on a good note if you can. I posted this elsewhere - There are 2 kinds of people in this world: 1. Sweet people with big open loving hearts who are committed to making a relationship work. 2. People who play games and believe that love and relationships are disposal. They are shallow and enjoy watching their ex suffer. While they enjoy the attention of you wanting them - they also find it unattractive and a major turn off. Type 1 people cannot understand how someone could possibly be turned off by someone loving, caring and wanting them - so this is very confusing and upsetting for them.
Chi townD Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 Ignoring someone completely is pretty nasty. Especially after 8 years. It is controlling and inhumane. Being silent is a way of seeking attention and it is an emotional reaction. So if you are really over him, you need to stop acting emotionally and he will stop feeding on it and move on. You need to start behaving and communicating like an adult - be platonic. It is always better to end on a good note if you can. I posted this elsewhere - There are 2 kinds of people in this world: 1. Sweet people with big open loving hearts who are committed to making a relationship work. 2. People who play games and believe that love and relationships are disposal. They are shallow and enjoy watching their ex suffer. While they enjoy the attention of you wanting them - they also find it unattractive and a major turn off. Type 1 people cannot understand how someone could possibly be turned off by someone loving, caring and wanting them - so this is very confusing and upsetting for them. I agree with 2fargone completely! A lot of times, we are dealing with dumpers. When we get dumped, they are make a choice to have us out of their lives. That they no longer want to associate themselves with us. SO, why would there be a need for continued communication? 5
chris21422 Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 You have some good point too.. Wow we really need more topic about responding and ignoring here. Ignoring someone completely is pretty nasty. Especially after 8 years. It is controlling and inhumane. Being silent is a way of seeking attention and it is an emotional reaction. So if you are really over him, you need to stop acting emotionally and he will stop feeding on it and move on. You need to start behaving and communicating like an adult - be platonic. It is always better to end on a good note if you can. I posted this elsewhere - There are 2 kinds of people in this world: 1. Sweet people with big open loving hearts who are committed to making a relationship work. 2. People who play games and believe that love and relationships are disposal. They are shallow and enjoy watching their ex suffer. While they enjoy the attention of you wanting them - they also find it unattractive and a major turn off. Type 1 people cannot understand how someone could possibly be turned off by someone loving, caring and wanting them - so this is very confusing and upsetting for them.
Sugarkane Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 It really hurts when you treated them good, but they dump you cruelly, thinking they can do better and their shyte doesn't stink. 3
mickyd Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 And yet it's not about them anymore. And there isn't a relationship anymore. Yes, cutting contact is controlling, it's about controlling yourself, not the other.... There are plenty of people that are not or no longer in my life and I don;t communicate with them. Why should an ex be any different ? When I'm not hungry anymore I stop eating. When I see no reason to communicate anymore I'll stop communicating. I guess it's about being compassionate towards other human beings. Deliberate silence hurts the other person and ultimately it hurts yourself. Once the other person realises that you are emotionally unstable/immature and haven't moved on - they will eventually start laughing about it and then the jokes on you!!! Just saying - Silent Treatment = prolonging the relationship... 1
Sugarkane Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 I guess it's about being compassionate towards other human beings. Deliberate silence hurts the other person and ultimately it hurts yourself. Once the other person realises that you are emotionally unstable/immature and haven't moved on - they will eventually start laughing about it and then the jokes on you!!! Just saying - Silent Treatment = prolonging the relationship... It's not like what happened to me. When the dumper plays games, harassed me with verbally abusive texts and gloated that his life was better without me. What was I supposed to do? Keep in contact lol. 1
mickyd Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 If they were really mean and dumped you in a mean way - take the moral high ground!!!
chris21422 Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 what if they are not really mean and they just fall out love and just doesn't wanna go on anymore?.. ignore?
mickyd Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 what if they are not really mean and they just fall out love and just doesn't wanna go on anymore?.. ignore? yeah, you have to accept that... and it's hard... and it's hard to be nice when it ends... I personally could never ever ignore somebody (unless they were psycho)... If you've had the 'break up' talk - then ignore anything they say about the relationship... but if they just say hope everything is going ok... or have a good holiday - say something positive and platonic back... show you have moved on and can function as an individual.
Peanut9330 Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 My ex cheated and left me for that woman which he married shortly after our break up. We were together for 4 years and almost 6 years after the break up (and NC) he comes crawling back to me. I haven't heard a peep from him all this time and quite frankly I wish it stayed that way. I find him very annoying and a bother he calls and texts me quite often. I spoke to him a few times here and there but made it very clear that I have no interest in reconciling the relationship with him. Funny how his soon to be ex wife cheated on him and then left him high and dry and he thinks he can just come back to me. I really see nothing wrong in never talking to him again nor do I feel bad about it. I also saw him in a different light and don't want him in my life even as a friend. 2
2fargone Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 I guess it's about being compassionate towards other human beings. Deliberate silence hurts the other person and ultimately it hurts yourself. Once the other person realises that you are emotionally unstable/immature and haven't moved on - they will eventually start laughing about it and then the jokes on you!!! Just saying - Silent Treatment = prolonging the relationship... Because finding someone else before you leave, not just saying why you leave and that you have someone else, and feeling 'strong' for being able to leave instead of being strong enough to work things out IS in fact emotionally mature ? Just because a bunch of people with a degree claim A is 'right' and 'B' is wrong doesn't make it so for me. But I guess it's about the mindset of a person. I didn't cut contact to achieve something and certainly not to prolong the relationship. And not because I'm angry either. It's just because I'm done. My ex knew this would happen. She asked me extensively what I did after my previous relationships. In hindsight ofcourse now I know why.... 3
Author melell Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 Okay, I think some people have missed the point in my post... I am not using nc as anything, I just don't want to know this person anymore. I never played games, I never tried to accomplish anything by going nc, I just wanted to get over it. I never counted the days without contact, and didn't dwell on it when we spoke- I just did my best to move past it. He came banging on my door several times at the 4 month mark, asking me to try again- I didn't want to, I said no, and if I had wanted to reconcile I would have said yes. There is no 'bad blood' between us either, I just don't want him to be a part of my life, or vice versa. And I am wondering if I should feel guilty for wanting that after being together so long.
Author melell Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 Ignoring someone completely is pretty nasty. Especially after 8 years. It is controlling and inhumane. Being silent is a way of seeking attention and it is an emotional reaction. So if you are really over him, you need to stop acting emotionally and he will stop feeding on it and move on. You need to start behaving and communicating like an adult - be platonic. It is always better to end on a good note if you can. I posted this elsewhere - There are 2 kinds of people in this world: 1. Sweet people with big open loving hearts who are committed to making a relationship work. 2. People who play games and believe that love and relationships are disposal. They are shallow and enjoy watching their ex suffer. While they enjoy the attention of you wanting them - they also find it unattractive and a major turn off. Type 1 people cannot understand how someone could possibly be turned off by someone loving, caring and wanting them - so this is very confusing and upsetting for them. WTF I haven't spoken to him 'emotionally' since the day of the break up, I have been pleasant and kind, and most importantly honest since then. We have had communication maybe 7 times in nearly 6 months, I didn't stonewall him when he asked me back, I was just honest.. There is no game playing here, it is simply that I don't like the person he has become (drug addict), and don't want to know him anymore.
Author melell Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 When we preach NC, some are under the impression that we mean "forever". But, that's not the case. We stay in NC until all romantic feelings we have for our Ex's is gone and when we think about them, we are only indifferent towards them. If you get to that point, then and ONLY then, should you even consider entering a friendship with them. Look up a thread that was started today or yesterday by TheonlyJuan titled I am free, or something like that. That should give you an indication of what NC will ultimately accomplish. I am not in nc, I had been bar a few times for about 5 months. He wanted me back, I declined. I am not trying to be friends or anything. What I am saying is that I don't want to be friends or know him at any point, now or later. At this point returning his messages has no emotional effect on me whatsoever, I don't reply because I don't have any desire to... My question was 'should I feel guilty about not wanting to know him at all anymore'
carhill Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Thoughts? There are billions of people in the world whom you'll never speak to and whom will die without ever knowing you or caring about you or vice versa. You may have known him, may have loved him, but he's one of the billions now; part of the landscape of life. You'll encounter others during your journey. Enjoy them. It's brief. 3
HokeyReligions Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Ignoring someone completely is pretty nasty. Especially after 8 years. It is controlling and inhumane. Being silent is a way of seeking attention and it is an emotional reaction. So if you are really over him, you need to stop acting emotionally and he will stop feeding on it and move on. You need to start behaving and communicating like an adult - be platonic. It is always better to end on a good note if you can. I posted this elsewhere - There are 2 kinds of people in this world: 1. Sweet people with big open loving hearts who are committed to making a relationship work. 2. People who play games and believe that love and relationships are disposal. They are shallow and enjoy watching their ex suffer. While they enjoy the attention of you wanting them - they also find it unattractive and a major turn off. Type 1 people cannot understand how someone could possibly be turned off by someone loving, caring and wanting them - so this is very confusing and upsetting for them. I disagree. If you have no interest in having this person in your life you are not obligated to do so. Tell him to please stop all contact. You may be doing him a disservice by giving him false hope anyway. 5
Ftheeastcoast Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 I am not in nc, I had been bar a few times for about 5 months. He wanted me back, I declined. I am not trying to be friends or anything. What I am saying is that I don't want to be friends or know him at any point, now or later. At this point returning his messages has no emotional effect on me whatsoever, I don't reply because I don't have any desire to... My question was 'should I feel guilty about not wanting to know him at all anymore' I can't tell who broke up with who, but it kind of seems like he broke up with you. Look, you can tell a lot about a person by how they react to something like a break up. I can understand why you could've lost respect for him if he acted poorly. You can't come back from it if you act like a child but some people would rather keep trying than just accept their embarrassment. You're in a strange situation. I think you're just him IN CONTACT by ignoring him... I don't think you have to feel bad about it.
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