Yayo Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 I know the rule of thumb seems to be if he doesn't leave in the first 6 months...he never will. That's the rule, but are there any exceptions to the rule? Is there anyone here who have been in years long A's that ended up with MM? Or maybe MM tried to leave W but ended up going back?...but you ultimately ended up together? So many posts her are quite negative (and rightfully so), Would love to hear if anyone has a success story.
megamommy Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 I have been wondering the same thing?! The 6 month rule of thumb is crap to me, honestly. Every A has different circumstances..
threelaurels Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 My boss left his xW for his OW. They are now married and seem happy. She is actually OW#2 though. His xW was OW#1. He left his first marriage for her, then left her for the current wife. Whether or not he will leave the current wife for another woman is anyone's guess. 1
Owl Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 There are a few of those success stories floating around here. Statistically, there are always a few. There are people who win the lottery too. But I wouldn't recommend to anyone to use the lottery as their primary source of income...to base their financial success around the statistical few that make millions from playing. Nor would I recommend anyone base their emotional happiness and well-being on the likelihood of being the exception to the rule, rather than the statistical norm. 6
Owl Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 I have been wondering the same thing?! The 6 month rule of thumb is crap to me, honestly. Every A has different circumstances.. Stick around a few years...you'll start seeing the patterns. Those circumstances are just minor variations in the patterns. The primary battle cry of the OW/OM who come here initially is always "But my situation is different!". Their later posts usually start out with "I should have listened to what folks here tried to tell me...". 3
Author Yayo Posted November 18, 2013 Author Posted November 18, 2013 I have been wondering the same thing?! The 6 month rule of thumb is crap to me, honestly. Every A has different circumstances.. it is confusing to me...6 months from when? first meeting? first sex? first I Love Yous??
Author Yayo Posted November 18, 2013 Author Posted November 18, 2013 My boss left his xW for his OW. They are now married and seem happy. She is actually OW#2 though. His xW was OW#1. He left his first marriage for her, then left her for the current wife. Whether or not he will leave the current wife for another woman is anyone's guess. ah yes. I've heard this kind of story a lot. Wife after wife after wife was the OW. That's some scary **** if you ask me...now THAT'S a serial cheater.
Author Yayo Posted November 18, 2013 Author Posted November 18, 2013 There are people who win the lottery too. But I wouldn't recommend to anyone to use the lottery as their primary source of income...to base their financial success around the statistical few that make millions from playing. great way to put it. unfortunately us OW will always secretly hope we'll be the lucky ones
Owl Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 great way to put it. unfortunately us OW will always secretly hope we'll be the lucky ones I know...it's human nature. I get that. It's really hard to learn from someone else's mistakes...most of the time, the advice is ignored for exactly the reason you cite here...and the results rarely vary. 1
threelaurels Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 ah yes. I've heard this kind of story a lot. Wife after wife after wife was the OW. That's some scary **** if you ask me...now THAT'S a serial cheater. Serial cheater, perhaps. He was with his xW/OW#2 for over 20 years and tells me he never cheated on her until he met OW#3 in the last two years of their M. Whether or not that's true is another story.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 Owl is right - it rarely ends up like you think it will. I am a prime example on both. XMOM threw me under the bus and stayed with his BS. My husband then had an affair and his XMOW was hoping he would choose her and he stayed. My personal experience is that men will not make that change. It is rare. I did, however, have one man come to talk to me after my affair was made public. He had had an affair (two times with the same woman) years ago, stayed with his wife for many reasons - family, he owned a farm which would have definitely been split down the middle, etc. He looked me square in the eyes and said he would support me no matter what I chose (and my XMOM too) - he said that hindsight he would have made a different decision. I felt so bad for both him and really for his wife (who is he still with). He has lived for years in a situation he is not happy with. But, again, it is another example of men choosing to stay right where they are. There are examples of it happening - right in my own community - I know many couples that are with their AP's - however I also know many who left for their AP's and those relationships blew up after a few years. Nothing is concrete, but it is very, very rare that your "happy ending" (whatever that is) will happen. And I use "happy ending" facetiously.
threelaurels Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 ah yes. I've heard this kind of story a lot. Wife after wife after wife was the OW. That's some scary **** if you ask me...now THAT'S a serial cheater. Serial cheater, perhaps. He was with his xW/OW#2 for over 20 years and tells me he never cheated on her until he met OW#3 in the last two years of their M. Whether or not that's true is another story. OW#2 should be OW#1, and OW#3 should be OW#2. He's had so many Ws and OWs I apparently managed to confuse myself. Oops
Author Yayo Posted November 18, 2013 Author Posted November 18, 2013 Owl is right - it rarely ends up like you think it will. I am a prime example on both. XMOM threw me under the bus and stayed with his BS. My husband then had an affair and his XMOW was hoping he would choose her and he stayed. My personal experience is that men will not make that change. It is rare. I did, however, have one man come to talk to me after my affair was made public. He had had an affair (two times with the same woman) years ago, stayed with his wife for many reasons - family, he owned a farm which would have definitely been split down the middle, etc. He looked me square in the eyes and said he would support me no matter what I chose (and my XMOM too) - he said that hindsight he would have made a different decision. I felt so bad for both him and really for his wife (who is he still with). He has lived for years in a situation he is not happy with. But, again, it is another example of men choosing to stay right where they are. There are examples of it happening - right in my own community - I know many couples that are with their AP's - however I also know many who left for their AP's and those relationships blew up after a few years. Nothing is concrete, but it is very, very rare that your "happy ending" (whatever that is) will happen. And I use "happy ending" facetiously. do you ever wish your XMOM would've left his wife for you? Or are you happy with your H and just wanted an A? Thanks for your input xx
MissBee Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 (edited) I haven't heard of a 6 month "rule." For me, we broke up and I actually moved on, dated other people and had another serious relationship, we broke up, then he resurfaced as a single guy and we gave it another go, but ultimately it didn't work out. I think even if the person leaves there is no sure fire guarantee that you won't end up breaking up anyway, as relationships go. In the midst of the A most people talk about it as an epic love, but sometimes, most times, it's like any other R in terms of its chance of simply not leading to something long term or "permanent." This may also be why some people are hesitant to divorce...as they want an affair and what that provides, not a new wife/husband and new relationship which may or may not work out and will have the same pressures and problems and take just as much work. I haven't heard of a story here where the person left, went back to their wife, then they still ended up together, but I could be overlooking someone's story. Actually there might have been a story like that and they also ended up breaking up anyway and the OW moved on though and happily married someone else. There are people who have ended up together. It doesn't seem like most of those situations lasted for years and years as an A . It doesn't seem like waiting for years will increase your chances at all, it may decrease it if anything. Someone is done with their marriage or they aren't and that's solely their decision and it seems you have the best chance of them leaving if it is an exit affair and they were already thinking of walking or are already almost out the door. If you're in an A, you need to know what you want out of it, understand maybe what kind of an affair you're in and what they want, be upfront about it, set a time frame in your mind and observe if their actions are panning out and also it seems a key for some is that they were willing to walk away and did when things weren't going according to plan. The MP either later followed suit and showed up with divorce papers or they didn't. But I wouldn't advise anyone to just blindly wait and wait and wait. Edited November 18, 2013 by MissBee
goodyblue Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 (edited) My guy and I consider ourselves a success story. We dated in the affair for about a year at which point he left and we have been exclusive ever since. We have a very open and loving relationship and we are very happy. Edited November 18, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Off-topic material redacted.
cocorico Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 (edited) I wouldn't advise anyone to just blindly wait and wait and wait. Personally, I never advise anyone to wait. Ever. Whatever label gets attached to their R. If your R is not the R of your choice right now, then leave. Don't waste your time in a R that is not delivering what you want and need right now, whether it is an A, a M, a dating R or anything else. You should only ever stay in a R that is giving you what you want, today. If your R is doing that, great - enjoy it. But if you're just killing time, hoping for the big payoff one day - get out. Life's far too short to live for some future happiness which may never happen. And, to answer the original question - we were in the A for a few years before we transitioned it to a FTR and then a M. We've been M now for some years (longer than the A lasted) so I'd disregard the six-month "rule". There are no rules. Stay if it's working for you. Leave if it's not. Edited November 19, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Off-topic comments redacted. 4
Author Yayo Posted November 18, 2013 Author Posted November 18, 2013 My guy and I consider ourselves a success story. We dated in the affair for about a year at which point he left and we have been exclusive ever since. We have a very open and loving relationship and we are very happy. I'm a year and about 3 months in. They technically broke up last month (he changed the code to his gate so she can't get in, packed her stuff and moved it out, is single on FB) but she's THE most obsessive person I've ever met. Calls back to back to back, shows up uninvited, threatens to kill herself etc. I've witnessed all of this stuff. So I get the EX thing thanks for your input xx
Author Yayo Posted November 18, 2013 Author Posted November 18, 2013 And, to answer the original question - we were in the A for a few years before we transitioned it to a FTR and then a M. We've been M now for some years (longer than the A lasted) so I'd disregard the six-month "rule". There are no rules. Stay if it's working for you. Leave if it's not. so what caused him to stay in his M for those years? are there any trust issues between you guys?
krazikat Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 My guy and I consider ourselves a success story. We dated in the affair for about a year at which point he left and we have been exclusive ever since. We have a very open and loving relationship and we are very happy. I thought I posted my reply but for some reason it isn't showing up. Goody, I wasn't aware his divorce was final, congrats on your happy ending! So everything worked out as planned? How exciting! We don't often hear of truly positive endings. There have been a few where the mm still went back to his wife after leaving for his AP. How long have you and you formerly MM been exclusive? Also, are you still long distance or have you and your children relocated to be near him yet? Also, op, what would you consider to be a happy ending? MM actually leaving and divorcing the BS, and marrying AP, or even just being in an open r with AP?
lilmisscantbewrong Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 do you ever wish your XMOM would've left his wife for you? Or are you happy with your H and just wanted an A? Thanks for your input xx I wasn't looking for an affair. I got too close to a friend and we crossed the line. It was a horrible choice for both of us. We not only lost our friendship (which we both valued), but we destroyed friendships, trust and our families have had a long road back - not only that our affair became very public because of how the church handled everything - I lost two very good, long time family friends and I have a nephew and niece that sided with xmom and his wife ( that is a whole other story involving some pretty horrible lies by the associate pastor - another story). If I am to answer honestly, at the time - yes I would have left for him. It would not have been the right choice - it is never the right choice to leave your marriage for someone else. Now, no I would not - in fact I would now probably tear him up if I saw him and that is mostly due his complete disrespect for my husband and my children and never having faced them or apologized to them - he is a coward and has never faced any of it. Over the past few years, especially the last, the love I thought I had for him has slowly eroded bit by bit. My husband and I are climbing back little by little - some days better than others - bur we are pretty united right now.
Author Yayo Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 Also, op, what would you consider to be a happy ending? MM actually leaving and divorcing the BS, and marrying AP, or even just being in an open r with AP? yes, MM leaving the BS and having an open R with AP - IF they're in love and what not. marriage doesn't necessarily have to be involved. but knowing some of the things these MM say to their OW, and the things I've been told as well (i want to be with you/marry you/you make me happier/etc), I think just being in a committed public R is a happy ending, whether it lasts or not. At least it was given a chance idk... i can't really put into words what a happy ending would really be i guess different for everyone.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 yes, MM leaving the BS and having an open R with AP - IF they're in love and what not. marriage doesn't necessarily have to be involved. but knowing some of the things these MM say to their OW, and the things I've been told as well (i want to be with you/marry you/you make me happier/etc), I think just being in a committed public R is a happy ending, whether it lasts or not. At least it was given a chance idk... i can't really put into words what a happy ending would really be i guess different for everyone. Unfortunately the problem is your happy ending wouldn't necessarily be a happy ending for others in the scenario. 1
WrinkledForehead Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Not an exception to the general affair happenstances, but typical of the 6 month rule, I suppose. We met not quite a year ago, started the A 8 months ago. He left his long term R (15 yrs) almost 2 months ago. We're doing great.
WrinkledForehead Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 I've been around for quite a while...don't recall seeing that figure/rule ever, and certainly not enough for it to even be considered a rule that many people say. I've read it. Basically it states that if he doesn't leave within the first 3-6 months, the chances of him leaving are slim, and continue to decrease, the longer he remains in that situation.
bentleychic Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 I know a few people first hand that had an A and have been married for years. Some that had an A and ended up married for a short amount of time (so far). Others that were in A's and didn't work out. The odds ARE against it working out long term. There's no doubt about that. It CAN work out. The question is...will it work out for you (general)? Only time will tell...OR you can make the decision yourself and walk away. Good luck!
Recommended Posts