Ladies (or gentlemen); what's up when this?

[lil_missy]

 

More than that though, I your comment about "if you flirt, I flirt back" seems kind of odd when someone is making it clear they're interested in you if you just want to be friends. It also seems odd to blow them off but keep insisting that you want to see them and then pushing things back again.

 

Of course, that's just me. Personally, I like clarification and if I'm going to be "just friends" with somebody I'd rather know sooner than later.

 

you might be making it clear to her that you are interested, but in what? casual hook up? or serious relationship?

 

if the first then i feel no harm in flirting at all. at some point if one person tries to escalate further eg setting up a real date, and if i feel uncomfortable doing that, then ill pull back. then we might revert back to flirting. basically whatevers comfortable for both of you.

 

but i think the last msg u sent is really sweet and genuine( although a mighty long text) and if a guy said that to me, i'd be more conscious of not leading him on.

 

and the girl prob doesnt really know what she wants since you dont really know each other, doesnt mean she has made up her mind that she wants to be 'just friends".

 

another possibility is that she could be hung up on someone else, and while she WANTS to put herself out there for you, in the end she just couldnt bcuz she's not ready.

[MalachiX]

Hey missy,

 

appreciate the feedback. Honestly had never thought she might think I was just into a casual hook-up. I've tried to avoid those recently as they've left me feeling high and dry but i suppose it's not always easy for women to tell what a guy is after.

 

I guess I'm glad I didn't respond negatively as was my impulse but just laid my cards on the table. I guess the bottom line is that sometimes this is a game and sometimes people are really looking for a connection. I think i'm really not in the mood for the game part of this anymore (as I'm out of flirty things to text her), and I'd rather just be sincere and let her know that I'm happy to try something real but not all that interested in being lead on.

 

I realize that there's a very good chance that I'll never hear back as a message like this makes the whole thing "less fun" and is likely to kill the initial buzz, especially if she wanted to keep things super light until we both figured out what we wanted. Regaurdless though, I'd rather just be clear at this point since the other option can get exhausting.

[RedRobin]

Once again, let's assume we're all familiar with the "I'm busy" line. What I'm curious about (more from the ladies who may have done this) is what seems to be mixed signals.

 

i.e.

 

Guy: How about we catch a movie this weekend?

Girl: Love to but going out of town. Rain check?

Guy: Sure

 

*five days of flirty texts back and forth*

 

Guy: So, wanna catch that film?

Girl: Yeah! That's sounds great let's definitely do that.

Guy: Cool. When?

Girl: I'll prob be free Sat or Sun.

 

*several days later, still texting in between*

 

Guy: Still game?

Girl: I really want to. But I have some birthdays on the weekend.

Guy: Oh...Ok, I guess let me know when you're free.

Girl: *suddenly appologetic* It's not that I don't want to. I just need to plan further ahead.

 

 

This is more the kind of thing I'm talking about (though this isn't an exact transcript or anything).

 

I think we all know what it's like to be brushed off. You get, "things are kinda busy right now" without anything else. In those cases the person usually isn't texting you a lot, sounding enthusiastic, and always mentioning a rain check.

 

Unless they're REALLY BAD at dropping hints it seems like this is a little different than the standard brush off.

 

ok... so why didn't you say

 

"Great, how about Sunday at XX time?"

 

When you asked in advance, she said her days were open. Then YOU wait, and expect her not to make other plans? She even told you that she needs more planning in advance.

 

Here is something I'll admit to though... when I'm just getting to know a guy, I'm not really keen on having all of my days filled up with seeing him early on. Mostly because it creates an unreasonable expectation that this is the normal 'pace' of things and it isn't for me. That, and a lot of guys I come across want to speed things up ASAP so we are jumping in the sack without hardly getting to know each other. In other words, his interest in seeing ME more often has less to do with him liking ME, than it does his need to squeeze one in ASAP to validate himself.

 

Getting to know each other by talking on the phone, etc is better than fending off advances by guys who aren't really interested in getting to know me in the first place.

 

It depends on the individual though.... if the guy is suggesting outings that are neutral and more 'get to know you' type things... I'm more open to seeing him more often. If his suggestions tend towards things that are more likely to lead to sex or he gives off an over-familiar vibe, then yea, I've been known to not agree to meet him immediately, but still respond with texts/calls etc. On the off chance that I'm wrong about his intentions. Um, I never have been yet though.

[Lansing]

Well, I guess you feel better to just "end" it in your mind and really leave it in her court... But, in the future, I think that type of response makes you look too serious. Look how many words you dedicated to that response to her.

 

Next time, a shorter response would probably serve you better. But, pelase do update the thread if anything develops. I am always interested in seeing what develops after people post questions.

[felicity1]

I haven't read all responses here, but I have to say there's no point hankering after women who keep backing out of dates. It's so draining and demoralizing. As others have mentioned, if a girl is into you she'll make time for you no problem. Instead of wasting time with string-alongers, work on your self-respect. You deserve better!

[ShiningMoon]

For me busy means busy. If I'm not interested, I wouldn't even accept a date invitation. I would tell you straight away I'm not interested. If I'm seeing someone, I would tell you I'm seeing someone.

 

Sometimes, I have to prioritize and I legitimately cannot go out for 2 weeks or 3. It does not mean I don't like the person, it just means I have more pressing concerns.

 

A lot of men however use the word "busy" to brush someone off which I find absolutely despicable. They take pride in being the "stronger" gender when in reality, they can't even tell a woman they're not interested.

 

 

Also, I've had instances where I told the guy "I'm busy" just because I wanted to buy myself some time (i.e. a week or so) to find the perfect outfit to impress him. It happens more often than not in my case. But that's just me.

Edited November 20, 2013 by ShiningMoon

[MalachiX]

Well, I guess you feel better to just "end" it in your mind and really leave it in her court... But, in the future, I think that type of response makes you look too serious. Look how many words you dedicated to that response to her.

 

Next time, a shorter response would probably serve you better.

 

I look "serious" because I am serious. For the first time in a while, I'm willing to try to put myself out there and no longer try to protect myself for fear of rejection. I did the fun thing for a while with her and I think played the game. That was cool. After a while, I kinda wanted to stop playing the game and just get clarity. I'm sure there was a smoother way to do it but honestly I just wanted to be sincere even if that meant having the door closed. I've done the ball in her court thing. It's never gotten me anywhere.

 

I'll admit I'm probably overly sensitive because of a bad experience I had before. I basically had a drunken hook-up with someone I didn't know very well but we seemed to click (at least a little) and I was curious if there might be something there. I really didn't know where that well and just wanted to see if there was anything more but I also knew that she may not have signed on for that and just wanted sex (which is fine). I wanted to offer her a way out so, after a few days of texting (in which she initiated a lot); I said, "Hey. So, I'd like to ask you out on a proper date but I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND if that's not what you're looking for right now and I promise I won't get my feelings hurt if you say 'no.' I'm a big boy." She texted me back, "of course we can go out!!!" and we made plans for a specific place and rough time period only to have her push them back twice. Eventually she suddenly tells me she just found a boyfriend and it becomes clear, from mutual friends, that she was trying to figure out whether she and this other guy were dating and I was basically being strung along as a back-up plan. That kinda sucks.

 

I don't want to be suspicious of every woman just because I had a bad experience (that's not fair) but I also really want to try to be clear when I'm going out with someone. I don't mind if someone starts to go out with me and then decides they're not interested. I just don't like being used.

 

But, pelase do update the thread if anything develops. I am always interested in seeing what develops after people post questions.

 

Well...to be honest I though that was it, once again because I knew that this was a serious message that was going to kill the fun of the flirting. Didn't expect a response. To my surprise, she suddenly texted me back around lunch (I'd texted her around 6pm last night):

 

Her: I understand, I really do. I've also been trained to know that guys dont' really believe you when you say that kind of stuff. May be next time we hang out you'll get the whole story. Quickly, so you understand where I'm coming from -- just ended a long term relationship so a bit new to dating front and maybe my head is not fully in the game. We can try for Sunday if you're free.

 

I'm pretty surprised that she did text back and honestly I think this is all I've wanted at this point. I sent back the following:

 

Hey,

 

Thanks for hitting me back. I'm free Sunday. Would love to hear the whole story and didn't mean to push. Don't mind taking things slow and just seeing where it goes. I'm not always great on this front either so sometimes I just like clarity. How about we say Sunday evening and I'll give ya a ring on Friday to make sure things are still kosher?

 

What I'm glad about is it sounds like we're pretty clear now. I'm not going to assume anything bad if this continues to be hard because I think we've both made ourselves clear. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work but now I'd feel OK with being friends at this point since at least we seem to be being honest.

Edited November 20, 2013 by MalachiX