Ladies (or gentlemen); what's up when this?

[MalachiX]

This is directed to the ladies of the forum, not out of bitterness but because I just havn't seen men do this (perhaps they do):

 

I, and I now see other men on this board, can't help but notice a strange situation where one asks a woman out and she says "yes" rather enthusiastically only to continue to "get busy" when we're setting up an actual date.

 

Normally we tend to think that "I'm busy" means "I'm not interested" but what seems odd about these situations is that the women act as though they legitimately want to go out. They text a lot, seem very flirty and complimentary, and always offer a promise of going out in near future without prompting. I'm glad I've now heard other guys mention this as it's been perplexing for me when it happens.

 

I'm curious if any of the ladies here have done this and, if so, what the reasoning was. I tend to suspect it's one of a few things, none of which are all that good:

 

a.) We're being kept on the hook. They really don't want to date but very much like the attention. In which case, I'm moving on.

 

b.) We're on the back-burner. They're seeing someone else but want us as an option. In which case, I'm moving on.

 

c.) They may actually like us an want to go out but not enough to re-arrange anything in their schedule or actually make any time when it's not convenient. In which case, I'm moving on.

 

d.) They're playing a game to see how interested we are. In which case...........wait for it...........I'm moving on.

 

Is there a reason for this that I'm missing? One which doesn't make me think this isn't worth it?

 

The first time this happened I kind of wrote it off because I didn't know the girl quite so well and it was further complicated by the fact that we'd had a one night stand.

 

This time, I'm a lot more interested but I don't really feel like being strung along as I don't think starting a relationship in any of the above scenarios is going to lead to anything good. My inclination has been to stop texting/calling until we actually see each other again.

[d0nnivain]

Some women are genuinely busy. If the woman is giving concrete dates/ times when she is available, that is a good sign & it's indicative that she has a both an interest in you & a life outside of you. If all you get is vague "i'm busy" that could be code for stop asking.

[MalachiX]

Some women are genuinely busy. If the woman is giving concrete dates/ times when she is available, that is a good sign & it's indicative that she has a both an interest in you & a life outside of you. If all you get is vague "i'm busy" that could be code for stop asking.

 

Once again, let's assume we're all familiar with the "I'm busy" line. What I'm curious about (more from the ladies who may have done this) is what seems to be mixed signals.

 

i.e.

 

Guy: How about we catch a movie this weekend?

Girl: Love to but going out of town. Rain check?

Guy: Sure

 

*five days of flirty texts back and forth*

 

Guy: So, wanna catch that film?

Girl: Yeah! That's sounds great let's definatly do that.

Guy: Cool. When?

Girl: I'll prob be free Sat or Sun.

 

*several days later, still texting in between*

 

Guy: Still game?

Girl: I really want to. But I have some birthdays on the weekend.

Guy: Oh...Ok, I guess let me know when you're free.

Girl: *suddenly appologetic* It's not that I don't want to. I just need to plan further ahead.

 

 

This is more the kind of thing I'm talking about (though this isn't an exact transcript or anything).

 

I think we all know what it's like to be brushed off. You get, "things are kinda busy right now" without anything else. In those cases the person usually isn't texting you a lot, sounding enthusiastic, and always mentioning a rain check.

 

Unless they're REALLY BAD at dropping hints it seems like this is a little different than the standard brush off.

[stillafool]

People are more busy than ever before. I barely have time to breathe. Not just women but men are busy too. I don't have time for anything anymore. I have to limit myself to 5 minutes on LS twice a day.

[melell]

It is really hard to say.. I mean it is only guessing.

 

Personally, if I said I was busy, or came up with a vague excuse it is because I am a bit shy and have to really make myself go on dates. So yeah, it is hard to guess.

 

Regardless, I think it is important not to text/call more than twice without a response. It shows you are interested (if that is what they are fishing for), but it also shows you won't try too hard.

 

For me also I wouldn't be texting or talking enthusiastically if I wasn't interested in someone. It is actually really annoying and hard to put energy in to do that, I am guessing people do it when they are bored, low self esteem, or really hate hurting peoples feelings etc

[bentleychic]

I get this with most of my female friends. I have no idea why.

 

When I want to go out with a guy, I GO. I may get a little antsy when it comes right down to it b/c I'm pretty shy of new people and circumstances, but otherwise, I'd be there. (And I'd probably be there, anyway, but take a little to open up.)

[Woop1337]

Most women do think that men have fragile egos. Some women think rejecting a guy outright is cruel. A close female friend of mine even said to me. That she'd rather tell the guy something vague than reject him outright. Why? Because f*ck logic.

[Ruby Slippers]

Guy: Oh...Ok, I guess let me know when you're free.

This is passive, and isn't going to work with most women. Women like men who take charge and make things happen. If a guy said that to me, I'd never get back to him. He has to ask me out.

 

CALL HER on the phone, ask her out for a specific day, time, and activity. Example: "Are you free for dinner Saturday night? I've been wanting to try this new place, X."

 

Then she says yes, she's free and would like that, or no, she's busy that night. If she's interested, she'll suggest an alternative. "I have plans with a friend on Saturday, but how about Friday night?"

 

Set the date, tell her you'll pick her up at 7, and do it.

 

If she says no, waffles, or flakes out, she's not that interested in you.

[RogerWallace111]

 

Personally, if I said I was busy, or came up with a vague excuse it is because I am a bit shy and have to really make myself go on dates. So yeah, it is hard to guess.

 

I'd guess this is usually a part of situations like you're describing, OP. We'll assume that the women in these situations are being genuine, and not simply acting, as a couple ladies have suggested might be the case. Cause that's pussy sh*t anyway.

 

As has been covered, the only options are 1) she's lying & leading you on out of some personal cowardice, for the reward of... receiving bothersome texts asking her out ? Which equates to feeling wanted ? I don't know. 2) she's shy/nervous/not generally feeling up-to-it, and is thus pussyfootin' 3) she want's to go out but is truly so busy it can't happen.

 

I'm gonna guess 1 & 3 are only actually true in a very limited amount of cases. And like you said, in situation 3, it almost always comes down to lack of will. As busy as everyone feels and likes to toot their own horn for being these days, no free human-being is so busy they can't make an hour for coffee. You skip a day at the gym, you deal with an hour less sleep, etc. That being said, I know what it's like to be so busy that every free window you get seems like utterly necessary recoup time. The question is just if the appeal of spending some time with this new person can pull you away from it.

 

I'm thinking it's most often number 2, with a tinge of what i just described from 3. A kind of procrastination, if you will. Putting off a situation for fear of the slight discomfort involved in it's undertaking. A single girl might look at a date with a new guy like an out-of-shape person looks at the treadmill. It's potentially a very rewarding endeavor, but it's still tough to pull ones' self out of the comfort zone.

 

 

 

Anyway, regardless, you gotta be more in control of it all. A girl can be very interested in you and still won't lift a finger with ideas/scheduling of plans, whether out of principle or just due to her general nature. It's wacky and, yes, kind of a silly f*cking game, but girls love being told where they're gonna be going and when (by the right guy of course ).

Edited November 19, 2013 by RogerWallace111

[RogerWallace111]

Follow Ruby's plan above- you can't let em weasel out. You might feel pushy or overly-persistent but it's the practical way to go about it. Remember that females opinions of guys, and feelings in general, are often very amorphous. Tone of voice or prior texts, etc doesn't really mean anything once you're sitting with the person face-to-face. You've gotta get them there if you think they're a prospect worth pursuing. And realistically a girl who's overly-enthusiastic with a relative stranger is a lot more suspect than one who needs some warming up or acts skeptical

[Leigh 87]

When I really fancy a guy online and have a good feeling about him, I cancel/re arrange plan with friends.

 

I only keep major appointments in place.

 

If you are really into someone, you do whatever to see them.

 

.............................................................

 

However, ONLINE it is hard too fall for someone or truly like them since you have not yet met them.

 

I would not go out of my way quiet as much online as I would in real life, after meeting a guy in person.

 

ONCE I meet a guy, even just once; if I am into them, I MAKE TIME. TO see them.

 

For instance, if I had a full weekened planned plus a waxing appointment at the salon, I would instantly cancel everthing and ush the appointment forward or back, if a guy I truly liked wanted to spend time with me that weekened.

 

My friends could wait to see me.

.......................................................

 

No one is too busy to make time for a person they really like.

 

The girls you write about, if they say they want to see you but put it off for more than a week?

 

Yeah, they are not all that into it, but think you are worth at least keeping as an option.

 

I do not have options, bur rather, I only date guys I quiet like. Otherwise, I tell them straight out they are friendzoned; if they already have enough friends, I get it. If not, I have made friends from guys I wasnt interested enough in to date.

......................................................

 

 

 

I don't see the point in having options with men who you are not all that into. WHY?!

 

[ChessPieceFace]

There seems to be a large desire for so many people (both genders) to make wild assumptions about the motivations of their date/partner. Why not just try trusting people and taking what they say at face value, until/unless they prove they aren't being genuine.

[d0nnivain]

MalichiX

 

The scenario you describe to me is a women who doesn't know her own mind but who is not chomping at the bit to go out with you. She either really has no understanding of her own schedule or she's enjoying the attention. By the 3rd time you get the non-committal response, nail her down:

 

Her: yeah, that'd be great.

 

You: OK how about Friday?

 

Her: We'll see

 

You: Look, I appreciate that people are busy but we've been be trying to pick a date time for a while & you aren't giving me much to work with. If you aren't that into this, fine, I 'll go away but I'd really like to take you out, can you please give a firm date / time?

 

She should give you one at that point. If she doesn't say:

 

Fine. Ball's in your court. I'm not gonna ask again. You know where to find me if you want to go out, but next time you're doing the asking.

 

You may never hear from her again but that's still better than being led around by the nose (or worse, a part farther south )

[MalachiX]

Interesting responses.

 

The little "dialogue" I posted wasn't exactly an actual exchange I had with the situation I'm dealing with now. Just sort of an almagamation of some of my own stuff plus what a few other guys have vented to me or on these boards. I kinda was curious if any women had any insight to something which seems like this kinda mixed signal.

 

In my current situation, I met this girl in real life (not online) a few weeks ago. We seemed to hit it off and I got her number, asking if she wanted to grab coffee. She said she was a tea person and said to call her.

 

Gave her a call the next day. Didn't manage to get her.

 

She texted me the following day apologizing and asked if I wanted to grab some mexican food with her (very low-key). I was a bit zonked since I had just gotten off a shoot but figure what the hell. Afterwards the food I took her for desert at the coffee shop I'd mentioned to her.

 

Things seemed to go well. It was actually a super busy period for me as I was working on two commercials at the same time. At the end of the date I said, "hey, I'm crazy busy for the next ten days because of these projects but I'd really like to see you again soon if we can." She said, "definately."

 

We texted after the date and the following days. I then invited her out for a movie on Thursday or Friday as those were the only days I had free. She said, she had a concert on Thursday and was out of town the whole weekend but asked for a raincheck.

 

I said sure and we texted a bit back and forth.

 

A few days later she texted me apologizing for being out of touch because of work and asking what i had planned for the weekend. We texted back and forth a lot, tended to be pretty flirty on both sides, and resolved to get together when she got back.

 

Up until that point, I hadn't thought much of things especially since I was pretty booked up too.

 

This week was what kinda got me confused/fed-up. When I texted on Monday asking if she wanted to catch a movie she said she was booked all week but might be Friday and, if not that, Sunday. The general vagueness of this seemed kind of odd and indicative that she wasn't that interested anymore.

 

I texted back, "and I thought I was the busy one."

 

She replied back, "well, I can't claim to be super busy, one of the weeknights I'm getting a massage."

 

This kinda through me for a loop. It seemed like such a strange thing to say. As if this is a casual brush-off then why even add that she's really not that busy?

 

I texted back, "so the truth comes out..." but the strange thing was that she kept wanting to text back and forth and then, after I made another flirty joke, sent me a "sexy" pic of her halloween costume (which certainly feels like mixed signals after you don't seem that interested in making time).

 

A friend suggested I try again as he had seen us when we met and thought she seemed really interested/my-type. So, figuring I wanted to make one last attempt to clarify how she felt, I gave her a call on Thursday. I asked if she wanted to go out on Sat or Sun and she said she really wanted to but her weekend was booked.

 

At that point, I figured that I had my answer and simply said, "Oh. Sorry to hear that. Maybe drop me a line if you're schedule frees up." I wasn't trying to be mean but I guess it was clear in my voice that I wasn't really going to be pursuing this any further because she suddenly got super apologetic and said, "I'm really sorry. I just get booked up easy and need to plan the weak prior."

 

I said, "OK," She still sounded super apologetic and offered, "We can go out during the week if that works. I just need a few days to figure out my schedule."

 

I'm kinda ashamed to admit it but she kinda sounded so vunerable in the last bit that I started to feel a little bad. I said, "ok, I'm free on Monday and after 7pm on Tuesday and Wednesday" and then joked, "consult with your secretary and send over the neccessary paperwork if you wanna go out." She apologized again, said she definatly would, and we chatted a bit more before I needed to go (I prefer face to face chats to phone ones when I'm just getting to know somebody).

 

I don't really need anyone to explain the "if she likes you she'll make time" line as I learned that a long time ago. What I'm more perplexed on is exactly why the mixed signals. The last phone talk when I'd pretty much taken the hint made it seem especially off to repeatedly say she wanted to do something soon.

 

At this point, it doesn't really matter. I don't have much desire to contact her again and even if she suddenly wanted to go out early this week I'm not entirely sure if I'd feel all that great about it.

 

I don't mind chasing someone but I also don't think it's useful to start a relationship in which one person is always bending over backwards and also doubting if the other person is into it. I've lost count of how many female friends say they get turned off by guys who seem too eager or available and while I hate games like that, I also hate the game of pointlessly chasing. I think I'd rather go out with someone who at least ranks me slightly above a massage

 

Advice is always great but, like I said, the real reason of this post was less, "what do I do next" and more "what's the mindset here in case I encounter it again?"

[Gottabestrong]

Sounds to me like she is interested in you, but wants you to make firm plans with her in advance. The bit about the massage sounds like she was letting you know that she has her life and will not change activities round in order to see you yet.

 

I think the one time where she said she did not know about Friday or Sunday was her being a bit upset because you had not been in touch or asked her out for a while and she was trying to play 'hard to get'.

 

I feel like next time you should ask her out for a firm date at least 3-5 days in advance. If she still does not accept it or does not offer a firm alternative, she might be playing too hard to get. I guess you will have your answer soon when she comes back to firm up plans for Monday or Tuesday.

 

Good luck!

[Lansing]

This is what bugs me the MOST!!

 

I would rather have a upfront answer vs. saying "I am busy".. I don't want to be the guy who doesn't get the hint that she just isn't interested but let's say there is a cool event I am going to and I invite her, if she says "sorry, have plans that night already" then she can't really say "how about another night" because that is the night the event/thing I invited her to was.

 

So, I try inviting her out to another thing, and again, busy. At this point I usually just cut contact and let the person contact me. It can even be with a guy friend or a female friend, not just dating. I don't want to be the person always suggesting getting together. I feel like it should be mutual where the other person will suggest get togethers from time to time and not just rely on me making suggestions.

 

In regards to the dating situation, I also don't want to look like I am upset by the rejection and be like "fine, let me know when you are free" or whatever...

 

The whole experience just makes me not want to bother trying sometimes.

[SoaringPhenix]

Once again, let's assume we're all familiar with the "I'm busy" line. What I'm curious about (more from the ladies who may have done this) is what seems to be mixed signals.

 

i.e.

 

Guy: How about we catch a movie this weekend?

Girl: Love to but going out of town. Rain check?

Guy: Sure

 

*five days of flirty texts back and forth*

 

Guy: So, wanna catch that film?

Girl: Yeah! That's sounds great let's definatly do that.

Guy: Cool. When?

Girl: I'll prob be free Sat or Sun.

 

*several days later, still texting in between*

 

Guy: Still game?

Girl: I really want to. But I have some birthdays on the weekend.

Guy: Oh...Ok, I guess let me know when you're free.

Girl: *suddenly appologetic* It's not that I don't want to. I just need to plan further ahead.

 

 

This is more the kind of thing I'm talking about (though this isn't an exact transcript or anything).

 

I think we all know what it's like to be brushed off. You get, "things are kinda busy right now" without anything else. In those cases the person usually isn't texting you a lot, sounding enthusiastic, and always mentioning a rain check.

 

Unless they're REALLY BAD at dropping hints it seems like this is a little different than the standard brush off.

 

As Ruby said you need to be more concrete with your plans when asking a woman out. This is what the bolded part above should look like.

 

Guy: So, wanna catch that film?

Girl: Yeah! That's sounds great let's definatly do that.

Guy: Cool. When?

Girl: I'll prob be free Sat or Sun.

Guy: I'm free Sat afternoon how bout then?

Girl: That works for me see you then. Or Hmm that won't work how about Sun?

 

In this example she said Sat or Sun. The fact is she gave the guy a perfect opening to firm up a specific date and time and he didn't. Women get vague date requests like this all the time. Most of the time nothing comes of it. Just like with this example the guy never attempts to make firm plans. This poor girl probably hung up the phone confused wondering why the guy didn't pick one of the days and set something up. She is probably wondering wtf is up with the guys mixed signals. When asked later in the week she said she had birthday plans. If she had them when he asked before she would have mentioned it. When the guy didn't firm things up when given the opportunity to she went ahead and made plans instead of sitting and waiting around for the guy to ask.

 

When asking someone out be specific. This goes for both men and women. Have several days, times, and possibly activities planned. You don't have to suggest all of them at the same time. If they are busy for the first one suggest the 2nd. If they give an alt day or days and it is a time that works for you take it.

[PutARingOnIt]

When a guy says the word "busy", I am like "f you". People act like they have countries to run or something. Instead of just being upfront and saying they're no longer interested. That plucks my nerves. I will cut contact and if I hear from him, I hear from him. If I don't, I don't. People have time for who/what interests them so when I hear the word "busy" to me that means "I don't want to be bothered with you".

[MalachiX]

It's interesting the divergent responses I've gotten.

 

Some seem to think the problem is me not being firm enough and the rest seem to think it's a complete blow-off.

 

I gotta say, I keep feeling like more like I'm in that episode of How I Met Your Mother, "On the Hook," and as much fun as that episode was to watch, it's a little less fun to live

 

Anyway, I think I got my answer when she texted yesterday:

 

Her: Hi David. I'm so sorry I havn't gotten back to you. I'm not a flake. I've been hoping someone would cancel something so I wouldn't have to be THAT person. I've seemed to overbook myself this week. December is much nicer if you don't hate me too much.

 

My roomate had to stop me from texting back, "I don't know, I might be getting a massage in December" Upon his advise on not being too snarky, I instead when with the following:

 

Me: That's a shame. I would have really loved to have seen you again.

 

Her: It doesn't have to be a shame...

 

I don't know. I don't particularly want to be mean or sulk like a child but I also don't want to be someone who is kept around as an option. I think she's had a lot of opportunities to fade away if that's what she wanted and I'm definatly able to take a hint. I just wish the hint didn't include a future invite.

 

I guess I'm annoyed as I really did like this girl (what I knew of her) and got the vibe that she felt the same way. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive since I've been strung along before (perhaps not in this way) or maybe I just don't see much future when I have to arrange dates by which month is easier.

[Lansing]

I am a busy guy, but, December is like 2 weeks away! I could see saying "next week" or whatever. I feel like she also is dating someone else and wants a back up plan.

 

I am curious thought what your last message to her was. Did you have a date planned or a suggestion for a date?

 

At least she did get back to you which is more than some people.

[MalachiX]

Actually havn't responded yet. Not really sure what to say at this point. Still kinda feel like we're playing games.

[lil_missy]

Guy: How about we catch a movie this weekend?

Girl: Love to but going out of town. Rain check?

Guy: Sure

 

*five days of flirty texts back and forth*

 

Guy: So, wanna catch that film?

Girl: Yeah! That's sounds great let's definatly do that.

Guy: Cool. When?

Girl: I'll prob be free Sat or Sun.

 

*several days later, still texting in between*

 

Guy: Still game?

Girl: I really want to. But I have some birthdays on the weekend.

Guy: Oh...Ok, I guess let me know when you're free.

Girl: *suddenly appologetic* It's not that I don't want to. I just need to plan further ahead.

 

 

.

 

im a girl and this convo seems quite straight forward to me, i recall many conversations like this. dont really see what is so "unfathomable " about this convo?

she likes you and is genuinely into the idea of hanging out with you, but doesnt like you enough to make you a priority. or sees you as a friend.

and no, im not trying to keep you on the hook. if you flirt with me, i flirt back.

[paigej91]

I personally don't do this, but I'm sure some women do because they avoid the confrontation. This is the same reason woman-woman relationships are so tenscious and bitter despite nothing being said/confronted.

 

If I'm not interested in setting up a date, I either don't respond to the text or I say from the start: "sorry, but I'm not interested".

[MalachiX]

So it goes. I'm done. Just texted back the following and don't expect a response. Never the less, it feels better to be sincere instead of pissed off:

 

So, funny thing about guys: We kinda get trained to believe that "busy" usually means "not really interested." Sometimes that can make scheduling troubles a little confusing as no one wants to be the guy who can't take a hint or the guy who's on the back burner. It gets especially confusing when we meet someone who we think is really cool and who we want to get to know better.

 

So, if you do want to go out again maybe let me know a bit beforehand when you're free and we'll give the scheduling challenge one last try or, if you feel differently, that's cool too, no hard feelings. It's just that in between gets a little confusing.

 

 

im a girl and this convo seems quite straight forward to me, i recall many conversations like this. dont really see what is so "unfathomable " about this convo?

she likes you and is genuinely into the idea of hanging out with you, but doesnt like you enough to make you a priority. or sees you as a friend.

and no, im not trying to keep you on the hook. if you flirt with me, i flirt back.

 

Once again, the text that your'e quoting wasn't the actual conversation but an amalgamation of other things. What actually happened was what's lower in the page.

 

More than that though, I your comment about "if you flirt, I flirt back" seems kind of odd when someone is making it clear they're interested in you if you just want to be friends. It also seems odd to blow them off but keep insisting that you want to see them and then pushing things back again.

 

Of course, that's just me. Personally, I like clarification and if I'm going to be "just friends" with somebody I'd rather know sooner than later.

[Lokie]

OP, I agree with being more assertive about setting a date up.

 

I met someone who lives 3 hours away. I wasn't bowled over by him, but was open to seeing him again to see if I could feel more for him on the 2nd date. He has suggested getting together and we have talked on the phone and emailed. I've even suggested a couple things to do in my town. It feels like he's waiting for me to make the plans. I am not opposed to doing this once we have been on several dates and know we both are feeling it. But I could go either way with this guy and his ambivalence - NO - his lack of confidence and assertion are not making points for him.

 

We're all "busy." This girl has told you that she wants to see you, and she books a week in advance. Both of you get out your calendars and get a date on them - together.