Do I love him, or am I in love with him?

[IrishGal902]

I have been with this man for a year. He's wonderful, caring, intelligent, doting, would do anything for me, loves seeing me and spending time with me as much as he can. What every woman wants, right? Not me. I do not like having a stereotypical relationship no matter how much I care about this man. Which, I deeply care for him and everything about him.

 

I prefer seeing one another once or twice a week, texting every day is fine, but I do not like talking on the phone. (I am on the phone all day at work, it's the last thing I want to do when I don't have to.) I don't like saying I love you every day, or every time I see him. He KNOWS I love him, I don't think I should have to say it to him all the time. However, he does, and he knows how I feel about it. It is nice to be appreciated and told I'm beautiful, but when you tell me too many times... I grow tired of it. I feel like it holds no significance if you say it to me all the time. I don't like being bought things, or catered to. He LOVES buying me things, and although every once and a while it's fine, I just think it's too much.

 

I have no idea what to do. Am I just incredibly independent for any man? Or do I just not want a relationship? I don't want to hurt him in any way, I am crazy about him, and do love him. I feel more for this man that I have ever felt for anyone. I just feel it's unfair that he loves doting so much and I can't stand it.. HELP!

[MalachiX]

I'm not saying this to be judmental, but have you ever spoken to a therapist about your views on love?

 

I once heard another guy say that he didn't like to say "I love you" to the woman he loved unless it was a SUPER-ROMANTIC moment or a special occasion. I he said the same thing, "it loses meaning if I say it a lot."

 

Frankly, I just don't get this. When I'm in love (which is pretty damn rare); I may be scared to say it at first but, once I have, I can't stop saying it. It doesn't diminish my feelings to say it just as each time I kiss a woman I love doesn't diminish kissing for me.

 

I'm no expert, but wanting to hold back affection so much sounds like an issue to me. Maybe you have some overly protective view of love that makes you think you have to keep your romantic feelings in check. Maybe you're scared to really let yourself be loved for fear of rejection (I sound like a shrink on TV now...) Maybe you ARE NOT in love with this guy and which is why you only want to say it in rare moments when you're super romantic.

 

Maybe I have no idea what I'm talking about but I do think you may want to get professional help. Not just for this relationship but for future ones.

[Never Again]

Doting is often a sign of insecurity.

 

Buying you things - there are two possibilities here.

 

1.) Another sign of insecurity. He's trying to give you affection in any way he can, is trying to "buy" your love.

 

2.) Giving gifts makes HIM feel good. This is actually fairly common. Giving often makes the giver feel better than the receiver. It's how he shows he loves you (it's his "love language").

 

Showering you with compliments, like telling you how beautiful you are, is very similar. It's "giving" just like with the gifts.

 

You're not too independent...he's just smothering you. He probably doesn't even realize he's doing it. This can be a big turn off.

 

"In love" is a silly concept - it's attraction and "chemistry" (and that stuff comes and goes). If you're attracted to him and you love him, then you've got what you need "feelings" wise.

 

The real question is, can you deal with his insecurity?

 

I'd suggest sitting him down and telling him that you DO care for him deeply, but his attempts to draw you closer are actually pushing you away. He needs to trust you and have confidence in himself and the relationship and ease up a bit.

 

If he can't do that...he's going to strangle the love right out of you.

 

As for saying "I love you" every day? You may need to give in on this one.

 

Consider it an investment in the relationship. You may consider it unnecessary...but affirming how you feel for him once a day may do you both some good. It'll ease his anxiety a bit and get him off your back...view saying it as you "giving" back a bit, and giving feels good.

 

I honestly think you have the "feelings" needed for this relationship...but you need to get him to stop putting you on a pedestal. It's a confining place to be.