Slept with ex...i feel so pathetic

[me85]

I made a HUGE mistake over the weekend...I slept with my ex. I mean, I don't 100 % regret it because I am still very much in love with him. So here's what happened:

 

Sat night I decided to text him a music video (that was it) & from there he flooded me with texts back and then called me. We were both intoxicated. He called me in tears extremely upset. Telling me to "come home" and a WHOLE lot more than just that...that he "missed his wife" (we are not married but did plan on it) & that he "wished we had babies together" So I ran to him (of course because I'm a gluten for punishment) and he was so wonderful we had a great time together. Stayed up til the sun came up. He told me he wanted to start over & let's have babies together...drunken jibberish. I thought people meant what they said when they were drunk though???

 

We both agree that it was the wrong thing to do because we are broken up. But he seems very torn up about it, which hurts me even more & he feels really guilty...well then why did we sleep together twice more the next day NOT DRUNK before I left??

 

He says he is really confused & needs his time and space. I have been bad a total of 7 days (not all day & not in a row) begging and pleading for him to take me back. I know this only pushes him away further.

 

He has told me today that I need to let him contact me at this point. Which I know I need to go NC again & I will because I have been so denied. & I KNOW TO BE I HAVE TO BE STRONG because life really is too short, just feels like I can't live without him.

 

He also says he feels like he is going to have a nervous breakdown & he hates doing this but that it's the right thing for now, which I agree. I just want to kill the hope of a second chance because he says it's time to start thinking that may never happen or at least not for a long time. He says he needs to know what he's missing in order to know if he needs it.

 

I'm not at all angry because of this. Just devastated because he's always been there and always showed so much intrest now it's the complete opposite.

 

Not coping well at all. Not eating. I've lost a good bit of weight since all of this.

 

We've been together 3 years now & officially over for 3 weeks. He has always told me & everyone else that I have loved him more than any other girl ever has.

 

I need a guy's perspective here.

Edited November 18, 2013 by me85

[Philosoraptor]

Sadly it seems like he was lonely and used you to help him get over you.

 

He's feeding you BS lines to allow enough hope for you to be used when he wants you, but not commit because he doesn't want you for more than a bit.

 

Yes, you need to go NC.

[Zahara]

You're not the first one that has done this and you don't need a guy's perspective.

 

He was drunk and possibly lonely/horny and he reached out to you because he knew you'd be there, available to him. Now, sober and clear, can't follow through with all the empty talk.

 

This is why you don't stay in contact with someone that dumps you. They did so for a reason.

 

Stay NC.

[Chi townD]

Chalk it up for what it was. A drunken night of Ex sex. Nothing more and nothing less. Funny how after he sobered up, he wasn't sure about anything anymore? But, that night...he wanted to work things out and have babies.

 

Uh huh....okay.

 

Don't beat yourself up too bad over this. It happens. You just need to get right back to NC.

[me85]

I'm afraid I need professional help to cope with this BU. I'm extremely depressed.

 

I am usually such a very strong person. I've overcome a lot in my life. But this has me feeling so desperate, like he died or something!

 

He says he still truly loves me and I know he does.

 

Is it really possible that he is having some kind of crisis? Do a lot of guys go thru that around 28? I know my brother did.

 

I'm terrified he will never contact me again, I feel so stupid for being so torn up for someone who is clearly ridding me from their life.

 

I just keep asking myself why?? The hardest part is knowing they don't want to try again when you want to so so badly.

 

I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person & now he is just GONE.

 

Do you think that maybe he really doesn't know what he wants (as he tells me & says he wants to KNOW that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me not THINK) & could eventually realize he made a mistake?

 

UGH!!! Pointless questions, I know. I'm torturing myself!

Edited November 18, 2013 by me85

[Zahara]

There's nothing wrong with seeing someone to help you cope with this break-up. Maybe it will help you realize that you need to step away from this guy.

 

It doesn't matter that he's 28 and going through a crisis. He's choosing not to be with you. Bottom line. This isn't the first time since the break-up that he's pushed and pulled you. Whatever he's going through doesn't justify YOU putting yourself through pain due to HIS uncertainty. Let him deal with his issues, and you deal with NC and healing. It is a break-up.

 

You should be more terrified of the pain that you will keep enduring if you keep in contact with this guy. Yes, the fear of never hearing from them is overwhelming, but what is the alternative? Keep doing this indefinitely? If he never contacts you again, you will feel sad and broken for awhile, but it won't last forever.

[Chi townD]

I'm afraid I need professional help to cope with this BU.

 

I don't know what is happening to me!

 

I am such a strong person.

 

He says he still truly loves me and I know he does. Is it really possible that he is having some kind of crisis? Do guys go thru that around 28? I know my brother did.

 

I'm terrified he will never contact me again guys, I feel so stupid for being so torn up for someone who clearly is trying to rid me from their life.

 

You got intimate with him! That's what's happening! Not trying to be sexist, but women have a harder time separating emotional attachments and sex. When you gave yourself to him, you triggered something that you shared with him. A closeness, a bond. A sense of safety and security that you were used to having with him.

 

Unfortunately, it had turned into a false sense of security. You need to let him go. You can't tie up your life with someone that "isn't sure" about anything.

[Simon Phoenix]

Unfortunately, this isn't some complicated situation. Simply put, he got horny and decided to tug at the leash and see if you were still around and willing. He said what he needed to say to get what he wanted. Once he did, he went back to not caring.

 

I want to say that I've never done such a thing to a woman, but that would be a lie. Sometimes you get selfish and you go for who you think would be an easy mark. He thought you would be, and you were right. And as far as the drunk truth thing, the bigger drunk truth was that he enjoys having sex with you. Almost every ex-sex attempt I've ever had was prompted by me being drunk -- not because I missed the love or companionship, but because I missed the sex. Sex is a physical act for most men and is not nearly as emotional for us as it is for most women.

[me85]

You guys are so right. Thanks so much for responding.

 

This forum really has helped me since I found it a month ago. & when I finally joined "the club" I really have felt a bit better talking to people going through the same thing as me.

 

I'm ready to be out of the obsessive stage but I've been obsessed since day 1!

My ex and I fell so hard for each other. It seemed so meant to be. Ugh listen to me:sick:

 

I hate feeling these emotions. They ARE so overwhelming. I wish it was like that movie 'Click'. I wish I could fast forward through these dark days to a happier time and place in my life.

 

I'm just not close to a lot of people and don't have much family or hardly any friends. I am very lonely. It was wrong to see him, I know but he crying and begging for me to "come home." I feel so ashamed now that it did not change things an inch. Not that I really thought it would.

 

I just wanted so badly to believe him when he said all those things.

 

We had sex 4 times within an 8 hour period & 5 of those hours we were asleep. & I was satisfied each time. The sex was NEVER a problem. We are very much attracted to one another. We have not gone full force like that in a while. It was awesome but it was "just sex" on his end, I guess.

 

& women ARE more emotional about sex in most cases. But it wasn't the sex that bothered me. It was all the things he said that he really had no business saying before the sex and WHILE having sex with me. I mean, honestly, it doesn't get any worse than that.

 

I wish I knew you all personally and we could have a beer while talking about RS issues & BU sickness.

 

I won't lie, if he wanted me back I'd take him back without hesitation. He's the best & worst I've ever had...it's turmoil feeling that way about someone.

[Simon Phoenix]

You guys are so right. Thanks so much for responding.

 

This forum really has helped me since I found it a month ago. & when I finally joined "the club" I really have felt a bit better talking to people going through the same thing as me.

 

I'm ready to be out of the obsessive stage but I've been obsessed since day 1!

My ex and I fell so hard for each other. It seemed so meant to be. Ugh listen to me:sick:

 

I hate feeling these emotions. They ARE so overwhelming. I wish it was like that movie 'Click'. I wish I could fast forward through these dark days to a happier time and place in my life.

 

I'm just not close to a lot of people and don't have much family or hardly any friends. I am very lonely. It was wrong to see him, I know but he crying and begging for me to "come home." I feel so ashamed now that it did not change things an inch. Not that I really thought it would.

 

I just wanted so badly to believe him when he said all those things.

 

We had sex 4 times within an 8 hour period & 5 of those hours we were asleep. & I was satisfied each time. The sex was NEVER a problem. We are very much attracted to one another. We have not gone full force like that in a while. It was awesome but it was "just sex" on his end, I guess.

 

& women ARE more emotional about sex in most cases. But it wasn't the sex that bothered me. It was all the things he said that he really had no business saying before the sex and WHILE having sex with me. I mean, honestly, it doesn't get any worse than that.

 

I wish I knew you all personally and we could have a beer while talking about RS issues & BU sickness.

 

I won't lie, if he wanted me back I'd take him back without hesitation. He's the best & worst I've ever had...it's turmoil feeling that way about someone.

 

Guess what? There's better out there. It's time for you to move forward and find that better, but to do that you have to cut all ties with this guy, because he's holding you back. PURE NO CONTACT NO EXCUSES. And if you are lonely, get unlonely. Reconnect with old friend, make new ones. Join a club, go to the gym, pick up a new hobby, start a new project. Recovery is an active thing and you have to be active in doing it.

[me85]

You're right Simon.

 

No doubt, I will put one foot in front of the other & march on. & fight off every urge to contact him. He has politely asked for me to let him come to me for now. I must respect us both & do what's right.

 

What the hell else can I do? I am being FORCED to move on.

It just HURTS.

 

I will still pray that I haven't lost him forever, though. As sad as that is.

[Chi townD]

 

 

I wish I knew you all personally and we could have a beer while talking about RS issues & BU sickness.

 

I won't lie, if he wanted me back I'd take him back without hesitation. He's the best & worst I've ever had...it's turmoil feeling that way about someone.

 

 

No you don't. You DESERVE a guy that is going to make you feel sooo special that you'll forget that your heart was ever broken.

[organizedchaos]

You're right Simon.

 

No doubt, I will put one foot in front of the other & march on. & fight off every urge to contact him. He has politely asked for me to let him come to me for now. I must respect us both & do what's right.

 

What the hell else can I do? I am being FORCED to move on.

It just HURTS.

 

I will still pray that I haven't lost him forever, though. As sad as that is.

 

Well now you know for the next time he calls begging you to come home that it's all lies. Don't fall for it again.

[me85]

Will it get easier?

 

If I really try, will it get easier??

 

LOVE CAN HURT SO MUCH.

[2fargone]

Will it get easier?

 

If I really try, will it get easier??

 

LOVE CAN HURT SO MUCH.

 

 

 

Yes, love can hurt... But I don't think you can love without taking the risk of being hurt.

 

 

As for the trying... I find that for me, it becomes easier if I don't try.....

I used to have this feeling that I had to 'swing it one way or the other'. Now I just let go....

[Chi townD]

Will it get easier?

 

If I really try, will it get easier??

 

LOVE CAN HURT SO MUCH.

 

 

Simple answer? Yes.

 

But, here's the deal. We are in charge of our own happiness. You need to do things for yourself to make YOU happy.

 

I wrote this for Faithfully, but I think that this can apply to you now.

 

Right now, your self esteem and your self confidence is in the toilet. You need to make positive changes in your life. What you need to do is take some money and treat yourself to a new hairstyle. Something people are going to notice and like. Then, buy some new clothes. Something classy yet sexy. Then, get a make over! Believe me, it's gonna feel good when people start to say, " DAMN!!! Girl, you look fantastic!" This is going to help your self confidence!

 

Go to the gym! Get plenty of sleep and eat clean! Run your little ass off on the treadmill and push some weight. Join a spin class or Zumba. You'll burn off some of those stressors and frustrations. Plus, you'll be working on that tight little sexy bod that guys in the gym are definitely gonna notice! Especially when you catch them taking a quick peek at your butt in those yoga pants as you walk by. You might think that they're perverts, but you be thinking it with a smile on your face!

 

Then, find a hobby that you've been interested in exploring. Any hobby that you might be interested in has a club for people with the same interests. Join a cycling club, or running club. Join community theater or cooking classes, dance classes. Take dive lessons or a photography course. This gets you out and interacting with people. Rule of thumb, KEEP BUSY!!!

 

And I'm the BIGGEST advocate of traveling on this board. I think that travel is incredibly therapeutic. If work is busy right now, okay fine! Nothing is stopping you from having a getaway weekend! Get in new surroundings and explore all of the shops in a town a few towns over. Eat at cute little Bistro's and check out some antique stores. Or explore their night life. Make new and fun memories. Give yourself a weekend away to decompress and recharge! I speculate that if you take my advice and just get away for the weekend, you'll want to do it again.

 

Live well and enjoy time to yourself. I truly believe that there's a guy out there for you. The guy you are truly meant to be with is out there and he's looking for you. He's never going to find you if you don't put yourself out there a little!! Have and adventure, you'll never know who you'll meet along the way!

 

Does doing NC work on healing from this? YEP! You'll heal. But doing NC while making positive changes in your life will allow you to heal faster!

 

You need to get motivated and start making these changes. The first couple of ones I mentioned are simple and easy. Try them first! Faithfully is doing these things and I hope she may come back and tell you how it's working for her. Last time I talked to her, she seemed really happy on how her life is changing for the better.

[me85]

This roller coaster is killing me.

 

Goodbye is so hard.

If I can't handle this, how will I ever take someone close to me dying?

 

I used to be so strong, I hate feeling this weak.

[2fargone]

This roller coaster is killing me.

 

Goodbye is so hard.

If I can't handle this, how will I ever take someone close to me dying?

 

I used to be so strong, I hate feeling this weak.

 

 

 

It's not weak, it's human. Personally I find someone dying easier, because there is no possibility of getting them back.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Don't be so hard on yourself, girl. I want my ex so bad sexually that it's all I've been able to think about in the last few weeks. If he were to reach out to me, and even after knowing the damage it'll do to my progress, I feel like I wouldn't be able to resist either...

 

I don't want him back but damn do I want the s*x. Sucks.

[me85]

LOL @ seekingpeaceinlove !

 

Aww but I do want him back. He knows all my secrets and life struggles.

 

He was my best friend.

 

Boo-hoo I know... but damn this is hard.

[underscore44]

Disappear and the reason i say this is only because at this point you are in survival mode and doing whatever it is you can to get through the day, even if that means making contact with your ex.

 

What you really need to do is drop of the earth and show him that you are gone. You are not around for him to fall back on. You are not there when he is having a tough day or when he is missing you. You Are Gone !! Do not answer when he calls or texts/ if he sends you an email or if he s using a joint friend to get through to you.

 

Moving on is tough but it is they only way. You can not let one thing destroy you even though right now you might think it is the end of the world it gets easier with time. You MUST go NC for good. If you are both meant to be then i can assure 3,6 18 months all not change a thing but you are both toxic together right now. Life has a funny way of working things out.

 

I share you this info because i am in a very tough spot myself. My Girlfriend/ Fiance of 8 years left me out of the blue with no explanation about 5 weeks ago. I was and still am devistate but move on i must. I went full NC, i took down all my social sites because i don't want to know what she is doing and she lost the right to know what i am doing.

 

You move on because you have to and let me tell you, you will be surprised as to what the future holds/ maybe he will come back but maybe you will be in a place where you don't want him back.

 

Keep your head up and lean on family and friends as much as possible. I promise you that you will be ok

[BC1980]

Your story has similarities to mine, and it's apparently not that uncommon. I was with my ex for 3 years. He is also undecided and needs time. Please do not contact him. Undecided people need to be left alone. I was NC for about 90 days, and I reached out to him Friday after he sent me a birthday present. It was such a mistake. This guy has put me through the ringer, but I have allowed him to do so.

 

It's emotionally exhausting to be with someone who is undecided. There has got to be someone out there who wants commitment without all this hesitation, crying, saying he can't decide, needing space, going back on promises, ect. It's absolutely ridiculous. We don't need this in our lives. You spend an enormous amount of emotional energy on a person who waffles.

[Grumpybutfun]

Hi me85:

The way he went about getting sex from you was so callous and duplicitous that I would question if he is even the guy you thought you knew. No, all guys do not do this. I never lied to any girl or pretended to have feelings to get sex, and I managed to have a really great sex life when single. Honesty is actually better in the long run because both of you are making clear, concise choices based on the correct information provided. Tricking a woman you professed to have cared about in the past to come over for a drunken booty call with pretty words about the future when you know she is still in love with you is cowardly and pathetic IMHO.

 

He isn't worth your obsession, and you need to stop obsessing about this loser and decide that you are going to move forward with your own life and find someone worthy of your time. Waiting around for this guy is only going to trash your self-esteem worse than it already is. He is harming your psyche and making you believe that you aren't worth honesty and care by using you for his own base needs.

 

Wow, you have to know that this guy is a douche. Even if you are young, learn from your life choices and don't keep inviting the same drama into your life. It may be entertaining for a while, but when it becomes habit and ingrained in your ideologies about what love, devotion and commitment looks like, you lose your own identity and become a caricature of what you think every guy who comes along and wants you to jump through hoops wants you to look like. Find out who you are. What do you want in life? And make a pact with yourself of what you will or will not accept as plausible behavior from someone else.

 

NC because he is an idiot!

Grumps

[me85]

Thanks Underscore. Your response means a lot.

 

I'm just ashamed that made myself pathetic for my ex. & I'm letting it take me down deep.

 

I am NOT this person. I'm the person other people lean on for support. Now I'm the one falling apart & I don't want this. I just want to feel better because life is too damn short.

 

I am very sad that I will not know the love of my life anymore but what can I do? Not ****.

 

BC1980...let's talk! If we have simular stories then it will help hear how you feel too. That's why I love this forum.

 

Thanks everybody.

[mtnbiker3000]

It's emotionally exhausting to be with someone who is undecided. There has got to be someone out there who wants commitment without all this hesitation, crying, saying he can't decide, needing space, going back on promises, ect. It's absolutely ridiculous. We don't need this in our lives. You spend an enormous amount of emotional energy on a person who waffles.

 

I've come to learn that 'undecided', actually means 'quite decided'. Decided they want something else.