Author Fidgeuk Posted November 18, 2013 Author Posted November 18, 2013 I obviously deserve your comments. I am truly sorry for the pain you have been caused by WS's. I have no excuses for my behaviour, I have shown terrible judgement, been unfaithful, a selfish cheating nasty piece of work. But do you know something. I'm not nasty, I'm not scheming, my son is my world and I love him dearly. I do not want to hurt my son and revealing all of this will destroy it. I came on here for advice not a kicking although I was expecting a far amount of abuse! It seems I can't take the truth either. I'm going to bed for a bit of a sniffle, got Work in the morning and it's late here in the UK. Goodnight
Spectre Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 (edited) I am sorry I was NOT saying you were nasty in any way, I apologize if it came off like that. You are not nasty, but you are the one at fault here so as much as it may pain you: you owe it to your husband to tell him what you have done and be honest with him. You owe it to him to let him get on with his life with someone who truly cares. Isn't that the fair thing to do? Do not use children as an excuse as to why you should not tell, that is never a valid reason, I am sorry..but it is not. You have to step up and deal with the consequences of what you have done. Edited November 18, 2013 by Spectre
rumbleseat Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Do you have mental health issues that go beyond the addiction? It almost sounds as if you are self medicating with the MJ .
whatatangledweb Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 To me it seems you are searching for something with all these men. You need an IC that knows everything so he/she can help you find what it is you are looking for. Until you figured that out you will never be happy with what you have or who you are. Dating sites are a form of cheating just as kissing is. It may help if you both go to MC. It will take both of you to make your marriage work.
Lokahi117 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 I wish some posters would find a softer approach to talking with a wayward spouse who comes forward seeking help. It's like they can't see the difference between this person and their wayward spouse. It's sad really. This woman has come here for help and though I admit she needs some help seeing what actions really are apart from what she thinks they are, I think hitting a person so hard they shut you out is not helpful. It just makes you sound like a gas bag that is only interested in saying what you want, weather or not it is helpful and in the genuine best interest of the party seeking help and their betrayed spouse. I do believe your husband and you need marriage counseling from a counselor with knowledge in the areas of dealing with abuse survivors. And it's very important for you to realize that your husband is probably knowing you've got problems and would welcome discussing those problems so you can free yourself and your marriage from having to mask your emotions by turning to substance abuse. Abuse being using any substance to avoid dealing with emotions, be it alcohol or marihuana or prescription pills. I wish you luck, and peace. Also since your new to forums, you will have to learn to just ignore some of the posts as they virtually anyone can reply and say almost whatever they want. So not every word spoken deserves to be heard. 3
Spectre Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 (edited) I wish some posters would find a softer approach to talking with a wayward spouse who comes forward seeking help. It's like they can't see the difference between this person and their wayward spouse. I can't speak for others, but for me I know every situation is different. So I never end up confusing the posters with anyone who has personally wronged me in my life. It's sad really. It is your right to feel this way, but unfortunately it is nowhere near as sad as the stories here about how people treat their spouses. I'm not saying that to justify anything, mind you, but if some harsh words can prevent even ONE person from doing this to someone again in the future? It's 100% worth it. This woman has come here for help and though I admit she needs some help seeing what actions really are apart from what she thinks they are, I think hitting a person so hard they shut you out is not helpful. It just makes you sound like a gas bag that is only interested in saying what you want, weather or not it is helpful and in the genuine best interest of the party seeking help and their betrayed spouse. For me, I think anyone truly even a little bit sorry will feel they deserve to get hit hard..and they definitely won't shut you out unless you are literally just showing up to call them a dumb ho and then leaving. I know a lot of people who have been cheated on probably wish that their significant other had been hit hard in the past by someone with some harsh but not massively rude words, since maybe it would of knocked some sense into them and prevented them from behaving that way in the future and hurting them the way they did. Edited November 20, 2013 by Spectre
Lokie Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 Cheating to me is doing anything romantic with someone you would not do in front of your spouse.
Grumpybutfun Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 (edited) Hi F: I just want you to know that I think it brave to reach out like this. I know it is hard when you feel guilt. I guess I am mostly concerned with the fact that your therapy hasn't really helped you to start healing. Has your therapist seriously not correlated your need for drama, your self-loathing and your adultery with your sex abuse? The coping mechanisms- like acting out as a teen, the drug use, the adultery, the grass is always greener, the need to be in control, the lack of trust in relationships and your need to always get away and move on before something really hurts you is because you are broken from the abuse. It changed the way you think of yourself, and what you define as normal behaviors. You are reacting from the sexual abuse each time you do anything that destroys your happiness, from your marrying men who are fallible and broken themselves to not letting yourself commit, to always having an exit strategy. At this point, I am not surprised your life is unhappy, I am only surprised that your therapist didn't help you to connect the dots and help you change the stories you tell yourself about who you are, what validates you, and how you can move on from a past that you had no control of. You need a Psychologist who specializes in Sexual Abuse. Don't beat yourself up anymore, you can change when you understand where your insecurities, your fears and your self-loathing comes from. I am not concerned about which man you love, I am more concerned about you learning to love yourself. Take care, Grumps Edited November 20, 2013 by Grumpybutfun 1
Mr. Lucky Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 I wish some posters would find a softer approach to talking with a wayward spouse who comes forward seeking help. It's like they can't see the difference between this person and their wayward spouse. It's sad really. I'd guess that, based on on her posted history, the OP has plenty of softies and enablers around her to tell her it's all about her happiness, that she should "go for it", chase her romantic dreams and get what she wants. How has that worked for her ??? Is she happy? Successful in her relationships? Where she wants to be at this point in her life? There's been no name-calling and little acrimony in this thread. What there has been is clear expression of the fact that there can be a cost in our actions and decisions, both to ourselves and those close to us that we swore to love, honor and protect. That's not a "hard" approach, it's just reality. And I'd assume that's what she came her to get. YMMV... Mr. Lucky
Author Fidgeuk Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 Hi everyone, I wanted to give you all an update on my situation. Things weren't so good over the Christmas break & I had a bit of a breakdown moment because of feeling slighted by my husbands father (I can explain this further but not really important to the explanation) Me & my husband had a small break over New Years Eve and for me it was terrible, I treated him with contempt. I am not proud of this and feel a great deal of remorse now for my shoddy behaviour. Upon our return to the UK I moved into the spare bedroom & on the 4th January told him I wanted to move out & separate. I became even more distant (if that was possible) & spent a huge amount of time browsing the web for help with my problems & reading the information on LS. My husband became suspicious an did a search using my username, which he just took a chance on using a username for another site he knew about & because I am incredibly stupid he hit lucky in that I used the same username for every site I've ever registered with! If that makes sense? Anyway he discover this thread & the proverbial muck hit the fan. Obviously I owned upto it all, how could I not? It was a nightmare experience for us both and incredibly painful. But, even though he wanted to reconcile I did not. I could not promise that I would not stray again, that I would not feel neglected and ignored and look for validation(?) elsewhere. I am a broken person, I understand that now, I need to fix me. I don't want any kind of relationship until I am unbroken. I do not wish to hurt another man the way I have hurt my ex husband. So I moved out of the house at the end of March & am now living in a rented property with my older son and I have 50/50 custody share of my youngest son with my ex, which is working out ok. Very early days yet but I feel so much better than I did. Being in this new house with my children feels so right, to have some control back again & be able to make decisions is such a relief. So my focus now is to find some sort of therapy for the abuse & how it has affected my life, to be the best Mum I can be to my children and to start enjoying my life! I would like to say thanks to Grumpybutfun for this quote: "I just want you to know that I think it brave to reach out like this. I know it is hard when you feel guilt. I guess I am mostly concerned with the fact that your therapy hasn't really helped you to start healing. Has your therapist seriously not correlated your need for drama, your self-loathing and your adultery with your sex abuse? The coping mechanisms- like acting out as a teen, the drug use, the adultery, the grass is always greener, the need to be in control, the lack of trust in relationships and your need to always get away and move on before something really hurts you is because you are broken from the abuse. It changed the way you think of yourself, and what you define as normal behaviors. You are reacting from the sexual abuse each time you do anything that destroys your happiness, from your marrying men who are fallible and broken themselves to not letting yourself commit, to always having an exit strategy. At this point, I am not surprised your life is unhappy, I am only surprised that your therapist didn't help you to connect the dots and help you change the stories you tell yourself about who you are, what validates you, and how you can move on from a past that you had no control of. You need a Psychologist who specializes in Sexual Abuse. Don't beat yourself up anymore, you can change when you understand where your insecurities, your fears and your self-loathing comes from. I am not concerned about which man you love, I am more concerned about you learning to love yourself. Take care, Grumps" So wise and your words really resonated with me.
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