Feeling - need a boot up the a$$e

[Fidgeuk]

Hello everyone,

 

I'm a lurker turned poster because i'm in need of help/advice/shouting at!!

 

Where to start??

 

I am on my third marriage (I hate saying that!!) been married 11 years and together 13 years, I have an 11 year old son from this marriage and 2 grown up children from my second marriage.

 

I think i have commitment issues.. My first marriage ended in me having an affair as an escape route from the marriage, together 9 years from school but only married for 2.5 years - it all went down hill fromn when we got married - he was verbally cruel to me, calling me ugly and constantly putting me down in front of friends and family, I put a lot of weight on and became depressed. We stopped having sex about 1.5 years before we split up. I met a man who treated me nice and ended up cheating on my first husband - he divorced me, it was messy.

 

I didn't get with the OM, i wasn't interested in him and i let myself be caught out because i knew my first H would divorce me over it!

 

So i lived with the shame and stayed in the town and met my second H at my works, I fell pregnant within 2 months of our relationship commencing and we moved in together - he had an affair when our daughter was 6 months old so i left him. After a 6 month break we tried to work our R out and i moved back home, i fell pregnant again and had out son, things weren't working out between us, we were arguing and i wasn't happy. I had an affiar with someone i worked with, lasted about 3 weeks, my H still wanted to make our R work so we got married - to this day i don't know why i did it, to keep the peace, because i felt so bad, who knows. But one night we were at a party and my sister turns up with one of her friends and my jaw hit the floor, he was lush!

 

Anyway my sister and her friend stayed the night at my house and instead of going to bed i stayed up with them chatting and enjoying myself, whilst my drunk H was in bed, passed out!

 

The OM & i continued to contact each other and we met up and slept with each other, just the once, but it was enough for me to fall head over heels in love with this guy.

 

We did not meet up again, my being married frightened him off - lol

 

6 months later i divorced my second H, mainly because of the OM, lets call him S - that was in 1996.

 

I spent the next 4 years living as a single person but i was in fact the OW to S, who at the sametime he met me was seeing another girl, he got the girl pregnant and stayed with her but regularly visited me.

 

By the end of the 4 years i told him to stay away and we had NC for approximately 12 months and during that time i met my current husband. We bumped into each other at a party and he made a pass at me but i held firm and said no thanks i'm with my partner. I did consider finishing the relationship with my 3rd H because of S but tried to put him behind me and move on.

 

I then moved away from the area with my husband - due to work. 5 years later we moved back because we were both made redundant and work was easier to find down south! We had married and had our son by this point.

 

Two years later i met S at a festival and we spent one night together, no sex but lots of kissing and pillow talk! I did not see him again for 6 years. However, i again came close to leaving my husband and became very depressed.

 

In 2011 i heard he had got married and from that point on i tried very hard to make my marriage work, came off the anti-depressants and sorted my act out - so what if i didn't fancy my husband, at my age i'm lucky to have someone that loves me as deeply as he does.

 

Last Saturday night was my birthday party and we had a house party, lots of old friends came over and he was with one of our joint mates!

 

I'd like to say it was good to see him but he has turned my life upside down again and i'm feeling very confused about everything.

 

He told my sister and me that he loves me, has always loved me & wants to be with me - i thought, well, he's drunk, hes just being stupid. But in the morning i gave him a lift home - i was chaperoned by my friends but he didn't seem to care and was telling them the same things, that he loved me etc!

 

My current husband has numerous faults, snoring, obsessive compulsive disorder, has put on weight, and has tunnel vision on things that grab his attention, such as writing two books - unpublished and running his crazy website - he spends hours every evening working on his website to the detriment of me and his son!

 

I on the otherhand have lost weight due to acid reflux and drastically changing my diet and have gained a bit of confidence recently in my art getting recognised.

 

The OM, S, could not offer me security and nice way of living that my husband does but i know there would be passion, something very much lacking at home - sex is instigated by me, never by my H - i don't know why, we have discussed it but nothing changes.

 

The OM can kiss me like no other man has and i just melt - my husband doesn't kiss very well, never has and i've tried to show him what ot do but he just ignores me.

 

The times i have tried to leave before my H has always won my back through acts of kindness - he bought me a horse, which has been my lifeline and keeps the depression ay bay.

 

Its just fantasy, isn't it? But i wish i could keep S out of my head, he's confusing me with what ifs?

 

Urgh, there's more but its already an essay!

 

I know i'm not a nice person and many of you will think i'm a serial cheater but i'm prepared to take whatever comes my way, i'm just after some advice

[Mr. Lucky]

I think i have commitment issues..

That you could so casually describe the way you've trampled those around in order to get what you think you want makes me feel your issues are much deeper than "commitment". And guess what - having trashed 3 marriages, you're still not happy and where you want to be, now contemplating the pursuit of #4.

 

Do you really think this is the road to happiness ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

You've made some bad choices and the way you cope is to cheat. Instead of fixing what's broken you run and the same patterns are repeated over and over again.

 

Do counseling. Fix yourself and be on your own with NO man. Become the person you're meant to be. Marrying, divorcing, cheating - Must be dramatic, let alone exhausting and it has done damage to you. Your man picker is off as well.

 

Having kids is not fixing the problem, it just adds more stress.

 

Focus on being a great mom to your kids, put them first.

[Fidgeuk]

Ok, so that remark was a bit flippant - i know i have commitment problems - and yes i did trample on my 2 previous H's but they also trampled over me - i'm not proud of my behaviour, never have been and i took a huge amount of punnishment from my friends and family - especially over the first divorce, everyone loved him!

 

I don't want to ruin my current marriage, i've tried extremely hard to make things work between us, my H thinks things are the best they've ever been between us and i would agree with that statement.

 

But the OM has always been holding me back from fully commiting to my H, my thoughts and feelings i know - i've had endless fantasies in my head about how we could be together and right at the moment i'm trying to tell myself thats all it is. I haven't initiated contact with OM, I wasn't expecting to see him last Saturday, he wasn't invited but we do have the same friends. We've managed not to see each other for 6 years but i've always thought about him on a daily basis.

 

I would love my H to show a bit more passion towards me - he just doesn't seem to understand my need for it.

[Fidgeuk]

I've had a lot of counselling over the years most of it focusing on the sexual abuse i suffered from a relative when i was 13 years old.

 

I never said a word about it until after my first marriage collapsed - i didn't want my Dad to find out and kill the man! He would've done it too I broke down following the break up of my first marriage because my parents abandoned me and it all came out then - i think my parents were relieved because it explained why i went from being a straight A student to a drop out and hell-raiser!

 

Anyway, i agree, i should be on my own and i have tried to make a break for it on several occassions without resorting to cheating i might add but i've always been tempted back - the horse was a biggie - i sound so shallow.

 

My other fear is that my H would not let me take our son, and i can't leave him behind. It would tear me apart.

[whichwayisup]

Stop blaming your OM. This is all on you. He isn't holding you back from fixing things at home, or holding you back from being open, honest and having a real talk with your husband..It's you who is doing this to yourself. You're letting someone else control you, again, that's on you.

 

Sorry if my replies are harsh but you need to take full responsibility for your part in all this. Forget the past, see what you're doing NOW. In the current marriage, how you relate to your own husband.

 

Why should one or both of you take the kid? Have shared custody.

I would love my H to show a bit more passion towards me - he just doesn't seem to understand my need for it.

 

then make him understand! Tell him you've had an affair, or having one (not sure if its' totally ended or not). I'm sure he'll react to that if he feels he's going to lose you.

[Darren Steez]

 

We did not meet up again, my being married frightened him off - lol

 

 

Hilarious, I lol'ed at that too

[Fidgeuk]

Nope, harsh is good, it's what I need so thanks.

 

It's not easy to forget the past when it rears it's

Ugly head - went to my dad's last ploughing

Match September this year and the abuser was there and even though

It was 36 years ago, it still reduced me to tears.

 

So I need to take control of things, instead of

letting myself just drift along, making mistakes

and hurting people.

 

I'm not in an affair now nor was I ever

in an affair during my now marriage, I

know I kissed S and talked emotional

stuff that I shouldn't have done.

 

Shared care of our son would be possible

but I have a drug habit that would be used against me.

Hence my fear in leaving!

 

It's such a mess, I know it's my mess.I feel very alone, sorry

for dumping on you all.

[ChooseTruth]

Does your current H know this history?

[Clay]

The questions you need to ask yourself is.

 

Do you want to be married?

 

Do you love your husband?

 

Do you want to be in your sons life?

 

Clay

[Fidgeuk]

I want to be in my sons life. I love him more than anything.

 

As to the other questions I'm really not sure,

I care hugely for my H, but I don't know if

I love him. I know he loves me though.

 

My H knows about the abuse, he knows I cheated

on my previous marriages, he knew I had a

thing for the OM but he does not know

about the festival kisses or OM's recent

declaration.

 

I have tried cleaning up my act but my H

helps my addiction by encouraging me to us

it because I'm a mess without it!

 

I want to stop but I'm such a horrible piece

of work without it! I've been to Turning

Point for help but there's no support

at home to quit and I'm weak willed, as is

obvious in my earlier posts.

 

I've read them all again and it's really not

Pleasant reading.

[Clay]

I get your not in love with your husband. I get you are done with your marriage.

I do not really see you being a big part of your sons life. Its probably for the best as well. It sounds honestly like you are really messed up and you need to take serious time out for yourself. Get into counseling. See some one on one help with a professional.

 

You should start by telling your husband today how you feel. So he can start to make preparations for his life. I think you at least owe him that since he has stuck by you through all this.

 

 

 

Clay

[Fidgeuk]

Ouch.

 

I don't want to minimise my habit but it's

marihuana not hard drugs, bad enough I

know and I am ashamed of living my life

like this, I think I'm what might be

called a functioning addict. I work full time

maintain the house, I'm active but I have

clouded emotions and I recognise I'm

living my life in a fog!

 

I'm also scared of opening all this up again, the

Pain I'm going to cause to everyone, again.

 

It's nearly Christmas, I can't do that to us, not

now, not in this moment in time.

[Spectre]

Umm..so you are quite clearly cheating on your current husband by kissing another man. Do the right thing and tell your husband so he can find a woman who will not disrespect him in such a manner.

 

I also feel you should NOT wait to do this because of Christmas, etc. The timing might suck, but that is your own fault for cheating. Let this poor guy go, and then go figure out why you do the things you do and go find a guy you will not betray and disrespect so much. Your husband doesn't sound like the perfect guy, nobody is, but he definitely does not deserve to be with someone who would cheat on him. Let him go, go find someone else and try not to betray them too.

Edited November 18, 2013 by Spectre

[Clay]

I guess I don't really understand your thinking. You state you would not hurt them at Christmas time. Did you not already do this? You already cheated right?

You think your husband will never figure it out and some how in the middle of Christmas you will minimize the damage or your actions. The longer you put this off the more damage you will do.

 

If you ever want to try to be a descent person now is the time. I would sit your husband down tonight and let him make some decisions instead of you being the only one.

 

 

Clay

[Spectre]

Yeah just please do not use the holidays as an excuse to hide your behavior. If you have a great Christmas and then he finds out after it will just sour the memories of that Christmas anyways, you know this right? So yeah, do it right away, let this guy go.

Edited November 18, 2013 by Spectre

[Fidgeuk]

I am not cheating now and the kisses were

6 years ago, I'm feeling defensive now!

 

Ok I will tell all but I'm not doing it tonight

just because you have told me to.

 

No, my husband isn't perfect and signing up

to dating sites is ok I suppose? It was only

the once I think but how would I know

for sure when he's on the internet/phone

constantly!

 

Urgh, such a mess! My mess, my problem

to sort out.

 

Thanks for reading my post, there's nothing

been said that I haven't already considered!

[Spectre]

I am not cheating now and the kisses were

6 years ago, I'm feeling defensive now!

 

Ok I will tell all but I'm not doing it tonight

just because you have told me to.

 

No, my husband isn't perfect and signing up

to dating sites is ok I suppose? It was only

the once I think but how would I know

for sure when he's on the internet/phone

constantly!

 

Urgh, such a mess! My mess, my problem

to sort out.

 

Thanks for reading my post, there's nothing

been said that I haven't already considered!

 

I find myself very confused by your post then. You claim this:

 

"I spent the next 4 years living as a single person but i was in fact the OW to S, who at the sametime he met me was seeing another girl, he got the girl pregnant and stayed with her but regularly visited me.

 

By the end of the 4 years i told him to stay away and we had NC for approximately 12 months and during that time i met my current husband. We bumped into each other at a party and he made a pass at me but i held firm and said no thanks i'm with my partner. I did consider finishing the relationship with my 3rd H because of S but tried to put him behind me and move on.

 

I then moved away from the area with my husband - due to work. 5 years later we moved back because we were both made redundant and work was easier to find down south! We had married and had our son by this point.

 

Two years later i met S at a festival and we spent one night together, no sex but lots of kissing and pillow talk! I did not see him again for 6 years. However, i again came close to leaving my husband and became very depressed."

 

You say you spent 4 years single, but you were sleeping with another guy. At the end of this 4 year period you met your current husband. You say you then moved away for 5 years and then moved back and two years later you met the guy you were sleeping with during your 4 year single period and had lots of kissing.

 

So again I am confused: how is this not cheating? I am not saying at this point in time you are currently cheating, but that you HAVE cheated in the past on the person you are with now. So..yeah, you really need to let this guy go unless I really misunderstood what you said. You clearly have zero respect for any man you are with if you are meeting another man at a festival and ending up spending the night kissing ,etc. with him. At least that is how I read it, that you kissed during this festival while you were in a relationship with someone else. Even if you did not have sex with him what you did was still very wrong and not something that would of happened if you truly were in love with your current husband. The best thing you can do now is let him find someone else.

Edited November 18, 2013 by Spectre

[Clay]

So I guess i misunderstood. I am sorry for that. So what has happened seeing the OM and him saying these things is what brought up these feelings?

 

Clay

[Spectre]

I'm pretty much still confused..did she cheat on her current husband at all?

[MidwestUSA]

Anyway, i agree, i should be on my own and i have tried to make a break for it on several occassions without resorting to cheating i might add but i've always been tempted back - the horse was a biggie - i sound so shallow.

 

 

Um, is this a reference to what I think it is? Horse?

[Fidgeuk]

I see, yes, I did cheat by kissing at the festival,

no my H doesn't know about it. I did not

arrange to meet OM there! We met purely

by chance.

 

But, yes, it was cheating. As what I can only

describe myself as a serial cheater I have

different levels of what is or isn't cheating!

Having let go my husbands dating website indiscretion,

where he completed a profile and was being

messages by interested women, I don't regard

Kissing as such a problem. Although that

probably isn't true, I was genuinely upset

that he went and joined a dating website so

I can imagine he will be equally disappointed

By my actions for all that they were so long ago.

[harrybrown]

Tell your H the truth. Let him find someone that loves him.

 

Go be with the OM. The fantasy will turn into reality, and you will see that he is a drunken POS and he will cheat on you because he will cheat with you.

 

Before you have sex with the OM, each time make him take an std test to make sure you do not get any stds.

 

You are being selfish and need to go to counseling. Your son needs a good role model. See if you can go to counseling to find out why you keep cheating. If you do go with the love of your life, you will get to find out the pain of what cheating does to the BS. Your wonderful POSOM will cheat and cheat on you.

 

If I were you, I would go to counseling for your son. I would go NC forever with Mr. drunk Fantasy.

[Fidgeuk]

Coryreply, your post made me cry. Not sure

how to quote yet as this is my first time posting

on a forum. Reading the quote did it!

 

Before I was 13 I knew what I wanted,

What I wanted to be but all that changed

when I needed to grow up, I carried such guilt

around with me, I never told a soul, my actions

screamed out to my parents but they

thought I was just bad. I hated them then.

 

So I have protected myself from feeling happy,

people think I'm cynical and unfeeling, they

are probably right. And I have distanced myself

from my H, I know that, I can't bring myself to

say I love you to anyone other than the kids.

 

I don't want to hurt my H, I derive no pleasure

from this mess I've created or the previous

trauma I have caused people because of my

actions.

 

Its been comfortable living with my H and

whilst we've had problems we've managed

to rub along ok.

[Spectre]

I see, yes, I did cheat by kissing at the festival,

no my H doesn't know about it. I did not

arrange to meet OM there! We met purely

by chance.

 

It's good you did not specifically plan to cheat I guess, but at the end of the day if this man was truly so important to you running into this other guy out of the blue wouldn't of mattered to you. If you truly loved him you would of felt nothing upon seeing this other man and you definitely would not of spent the day with him.

 

Having let go my husbands dating website indiscretion,

where he completed a profile and was being

messages by interested women

 

I'm sorry this happened to you, it seems both of your hearts aren't really in this then.

 

I don't regard

Kissing as such a problem. Although that

probably isn't true, I was genuinely upset

that he went and joined a dating website so

I can imagine he will be equally disappointed

By my actions for all that they were so long ago.

 

I think part of your problem is that you feel kissing someone else isn't that big of a deal. Of course it is, sex isn't the only way you can physically cheat on your spouse, it is just the absolute WORST way you can.

 

At the end of the day, if you were truly in love with your current husband you would of never in a million years wanted to kiss this other guy you ran into at a festival. This is why you should just let him go, you have flat out cheated on him and he is also showing inappropriate behavior with his thing about websites and women.

 

Be honest with him, tell him that you cheated on him, and move on. Hopefully in the future you will find a man who you will not cheat on and who in turn will not cheat on you, but this is definitely not the man, sorry. Maybe figure out why you cheat, because if you don't you are just going to keep ruining peoples lives.