rko89 Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 I've been seeing a guy for a couple of months now. It doesn't seem a long time but we've seen a lot of each other and really clicked both sexually and as friends. It's the first guy I've really really liked since getting out of a long term relationship about a year ago, I've seen guys casually since then but I've felt like I'm starting to fall for this one. He told me when we first met that he was thinking of joining the army (which wouldn't be until about 6 months down the line) and I was fine with this as at the time thought it might just be a short term thing. We started on the basis of 'no strings' but it was never really like that as we went out on dates etc and spend the whole weekend together, its never been a 'come round for sex and leave' type situation and he's always seemed really keen. We had the 'are you sleeping with other people' conversation a week or so ago (he initiated it) and I said no and wasn't planning on it as I was really happy with how things were going and he agreed. He had started to say he was thinking of not going into the army because he'd met me and was really happy etc and making plans to go on a trip together a few months from now so it was looking pretty promising. I've been a total commitment phobe since breaking up with my ex but was happy to do it with this guy. I'd kind of been neglecting my friends as we'd seen a lot of each other so I went on a girls night out at the weekend. I chatted to a few guys but told them I was seeing someone and had a few people back for a party but nothing happened. I saw him the next day and he just seemed off and distant..we still spent the rest of the weekend together but it seemed like he was either off with me or his mind was elsewhere. He then said if I do join the army its not personal and I'll miss you...so seems to have totally changed his mind and gone cold on me. I made it clear nothing had happened on my night out so can't be anything to do with that and he doesn't seem the jealous type ...I just don't really get why he's gone from being really keen, texting all the time, making future plans to cold and distant very very quickly. I told him he needed to do whatever makes him happy....and we kind of left it at that. Usually we make future plans but he just said have a good week if I don't see you as he left and my gut is telling me somethings not right. Any thoughts? I really like the guy but don't want to come on too strong as we haven't really been seeing each other long enough and I don't want to change his mind if thats what he really wants to do I guess ... I don't know if he's distant as he's made up his mind so doesn't want to get too close or if theres something else involved. Any advice would be appreciated.
madjac74 Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 Sounds like he is just stressed. He is making a big life decision and then he meets you who he obviously likes and that throws a whole big wrench in his plans. When I get stressed I get very cold and put up lots of walls. I tend to think if I just push people away then it will just make things easier. Maybe just give him some space but keep reminding him that you are there for him.
Leigh 87 Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 First red flag; the no strings attached arrangement. When a guy is head over heals for a girl he meets, he knows early on, and he DOES NOT instigate a no strings attached thing. Second red flag: after two months, a guy KNOWS if he is really into you, and falling hard for you. He knows if you are special enough to focus on. He knows if he wants to begin a serious relationship with you. Some people are cool with dating people who they do not really fall tat hard for, and where it takes a couple of months to figure out if they are really into each other. Personally, I believe in the instant, special spark you get for people, that happens occasionally, but it is when two people fall hard and fast. I believe a guy knows right away if he is really into a girl and wants to put forth the effort. There is a girl out there that this girl will meet, that makes him want to commit to her within two months and who he would not EVER consider a no strings arrangement with. Sorry to be harsh. I know a few men who are head over heals in love, and they knew early on and it didnt take them 2 months to figure out whether or not they were crazy about their girls. ....Look, it doesnt matter what he is thinking right now or why he is distant... He he was crazy about you to begin with, he would have already made you his girlfriend by now. There is no reason to see a guy who doesn't want to make you his and stop other guys from snapping you up.
Leigh 87 Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 OH, and all the guys I know who are nuts about a girl? They all want the girl to be there for them during dfficult decisions and personal problems. They do not just go cold if they truly care about you. This guy probably really likes you, but not enough for you to settle for him.
madjac74 Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 They all want the girl to be there for them during dfficult decisions and personal problems. Yes but many manly men won't admit when they are going through difficult times . It is actually the opposite of them not caring about someone.
Never Again Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 OH, and all the guys I know who are nuts about a girl? They all want the girl to be there for them during dfficult decisions and personal problems. They do not just go cold if they truly care about you. This guy probably really likes you, but not enough for you to settle for him. And these guys are enough of a sample size for you to make sweeping generalizations about an entire gender that's always 100% accurate? You're entitled to your opinion, but you seem to like stating them as if they're facts. OP, there's no set guideline or reason for why he might be acting this way. Some people are private. They internalize and stress out about things on their own. They don't want to burden their partners BECAUSE they care - yes, these people need to learn to communicate better, but their behavior does not mean they don't care. The "spark" is a great thing to bring two people together and yes, it is why people "fall in love"...but it does not last forever and anyone who realizes that does not barge headfirst into a relationship just because of it. Many, many people take their time. They're guarded. They want to make sure something will work before opening themselves up. There are also many people who believe that the faster you fall in love...the faster you fall out. These kind of people slow themselves down and really THINK about a relationship instead of just FEELING it - and you know what? Sometimes thinking gets in the way. I'd prepare yourself for the worst. Give him space, but keep the lines of communication open. Let him know that you can tell something is bothering him, and that it hurts you. He needs to be able to trust you and open up, no matter what that means (even if it means ending the relationship).
Author rko89 Posted November 18, 2013 Author Posted November 18, 2013 Thanks for the replies..we usually text all day every day pretty much and not heard anything from him yet today. I think I'm going to give him some space and let him contact me but if he still seems the same next time we meet (if!) I'll ask him if somethings wrong. Regarding the no strings - that was my arrangement. He came on a bit strong in the start and I didn't think I was ready for anything serious so told him I wasn't just looking for sex but nothing heavy and to see how it goes etc. But have since told him I really like him and been open. On our second date he said he felt like he'd known me for years and pretty sure there was an instant spark. I think his heads just a bit messed at the moment and I'm just another factor complicating things so I hope thats why he's backed off but hope he'll come around...
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