Almost slipped up.

[johncourtz]

:(Hello everyone, I'm new to the site and its been very helpful reading everyone's posts. I'd like to give a brief version of my story and see if you guys can help me out.

 

To give background on my ex, she moved to PR at the age of 8 and was in a relationship with her childs father from 14-27. She moved back to NY when they split up. It was then that i met her at work. At the time i was dating another girl at the job but things were falling apart. My ex and i got cool and started hanging out realizing that we had alot in common. During the 2 years of friendship she dated maybe 3 people but had fallen for a younger drug dealer kid who was obviously no good for her. When we met and she introduced me to some of her friends, they told me i should make my move on her but i didnt want to break up what she had. Turns out dude was playing her and was in a relationship and engaged to his childhood sweetheart. He lied to her and said that he was going on vacation with his uncle, but took the chic on vacation in Mexico. When she found out she started to distance herself from him and we gradually started dating. One thing led to another and she left the dude to be with me. It was cool because we worked together. I wound up getting my own small apt and we were together for three years but during those times she applied pressure in wanted to move in with me. I wasnt ready so soon because i wasnt sure if i was a rebound in the beginning. Fast forward we meet each others families (she has a daughter 1 year older than mine and they became like sisters). I have a child and so does she 6 and 7 now respectively. Eventually these girls became like sisters with me getting my kid every weekend) we went on to be like a family, in each others houses, laughing joking i mean we really understood each other and saw the world the same way. Then it happened. We got pregnant. She was excited to have the baby but i wasnt as i was already struggling to make ends meet, provide for my daughter and dealing with my childs moms erractic ways. She on the other hand lived with her moms and didnt have many bills besides her portion of the rent. I regret this part. After speaking with people in her fam and them assuring me that things would be ok, i told her that i didnt think the time was right and we need to have our stuff together. that i wont say for her not to have and that i'd be there regardless, but i honestly didnt want to have a child at the moment. She wound up getting an abortion, and me being a coward i wasnt even present smh.

 

For weeks after that she didnt talk to me at work, i could tell she hated me. Even told my boss that she wanted to break up but was afraid to because we worked together. Eventually we got cool and started joking again but it was never really discussed. We seemed to be doing well tho, in love and she was always very affectionate as so was i. Then the night of her bday we went out and had a good time. When we got home we were going to be intimate and she went to use the bathroom in my apt. She turned on the water and for weeks leading up to this i suspected she was cheating because she would check her ph in the middle of the night. I heard her thru the door talking to her ex saying she was home safe and she would see him in the morning. I went crazy and kicked her out my apt. She wound up crying banging on my door, got a tatoo of my name on her, came back wrote on my door in makeup, and went to talk to anyone who would listen to win me back. I was disgusted but i loved her and felt that after a week of NC she mustve really loved me to do all of that and it seemed so genuine.

 

I met up with her and we discussed things, we were intimate and she cried during the entire time saying she loved me and she was so sorry and she would never ever to it to me again. That she made a huge mistake dealing with her ex who caught her at a vulnerable time during the abortion. I forgave but never forget and we moved on. Times were great after that. She wanted to move in so we vowed to get new jobs so that we could miss each other and move in. I requested her paperwork so we could get a bigger place, we spent time with the kids on weekends and time together during the weekdays. She got a great job in the field she wants to work in and they are even paying for her to go to school and all these exciting things were happening. Meanwhile im going thru drama with my childs mom, still stuck at the same spot because no job offers came thru for me. She would call me everyday at work, text, gmail chat, facetime all day long we would communicate. I realized that since she left work that i really loved her. She asked to move in with me cause she didnt wanna stay with her mother anymore, but she would leave her daughter at her moms house cause i didnt have space. I didnt agree with that because i felt we should all be together and asked her to be patient that we would all get a spot soon. One of the only issues we seemed to have that i felt guilty about was that she always offered to pay for things when we were out, because she knew i couldnt afford to treat all the time. I would argue with her about that but she would say its ok baby i know if you had you would do, and when i did i did just that. I tried to do romantic things tho, cook dinner, picnics with the kids, cookouts anything to pull my weight. When her sister and her best friend had children, she started coming at me for a baby again. She always said she wanted something that represented our love. I explained to her that we need to do things right, get a spot together because i didnt want another babymother. She agreed.

 

The weekend she left me i met up with her at her apt and helped her study. She kissed me and said that i was so much smarter than her and i assured her that she was brilliant and beautiful. She wasnt feeling so well, but after we studied we ate dinner with her moms, sis and daughter. I took my final pic with her and the kids. I then told her i was going home and she said she would come by later which was strange cause she would usually leave with me. I texted her when i got home telling her that i'd been looking at rings and i really wanted to give her that baby and i loved her and wanted to marry her. I told her that i was thankful that we overcame the drama with her ex and we could move on. She told me that she loved me, wanted to be my wife, next year would be our year, we would open a joint account to save for our future and that she was sorry she put me thru that and would never do that again. She told me she was late on her period and i told her if you are pregnant we will have this baby because i love you and i would never put u thru that again. She came over later that night and we hung out with friends for a hour at a bar and had a great time. We went home and were intimate but she caught her period, which was kinda sad for me cause i really was in the mindset now of spending my life with this woman and i wanted that baby. The next morning i took her to work and we laughed as usual, i kissed her goodbye and went to my grandmoms house. She called me on facetime even wrote on FB that she felt loved and said that she was happy that i was all hers and she loved me. Later that day when i had my daughter and was heading home, she called saying that she was getting out of work and wanted to go eat and if we wanted to join, but she wasnt feeling so well due to her period. i told her that my kid wanted to go to the park and we had already eaten and she said she would grab something and go home to rest cause she wasnt feeling well. i told her we would get together the following day so she can relax and she texted me when she got home to let me know she was safe.

 

the next day i texted her to see if she was feeling ok and thats when she ripped my heart out. Told me she wasnt ok, that she was still in love with her ex, that she feels with me she will struggle with my babymom issues and my finances and that she loves me but she cant lie to me anymore she loves him still. That he said he's changed and he wants to do all these things for her and her daughter. I couldnt believe it, i called to see if it was a joke and it was true.. she didnt even wanna talk to me on the phone. Its like i never existed. As if she was reading from a script. a couple of weeks went by and i stood away. i had a source that was feeding me info, i was told that dude made her cover the tat of my name, that she was telling people that i played her and was using her for money..it crushed me. She even took dude to her bf's annual halloween party that we went to for 4 years straight together 2 weeks after she left me. It was like i never existed. I heard she got embarrased and had an argument with dude at the party tho and he left her there. It's crazy tho, its like everything she said was all lies and bull****. I was even told that she didnt mention anything to her mom who was upset that she left me. Me and her mom had a really cool relationship. She had even created a new IG page and had pics of her with the guy, her daughter with the guy and professed her love for him all over the pics after only 3 weeks of leaving me. Smh it hurt to see that.

 

I leaned on all my friends, i was a mess and still am. I tried to make sense of what happened. how can u say u want to marry someone and change overnight? and be so cold? She finally contacted me recently for her things so i decided to take them. I was shocked when she opened the door because i didnt think she'd be home. i took her things inside and asked for my bike i was very brief. when i was leaving she asked me for a hug and i went off. i gave her a letter a wrote that i had poured my heart into explaining everything from A-Z with me during our relationship. I told her that dude was using her as a trophy and eventually she would see the real him and that i wanted her to be my wife, to celebrate her everyday. i told her that that struggle line hurt alot because she knew exactly what i was going thru. She told me she would come by my house and she did. i was suprised cause i didnt think she would show, but we continued our convo. It was very emotional, we kissed, i told her that she didnt have to be a trophy for me, that i new the real her and i loved her but i cant be a safety net. i removed myself from the love triangle. I apologized for my actions in the abortion, she said that if we wouldve had that baby we wouldve been ok, she said that she wanted to move in with me and dude promised her all these things and now she was confused. She had lost alot of weight and took on a bad habit of cutting herself to take her mind off of what she was going thru. She told me that his fam treats her like **** cause she left him for me before and that she felt she was happy but shes confused and needs to sort things out. It was real emotional but when she left i asked her to look in my eyes and see what she's done to us. I asked her to not forget me or my daughter cause we wont forget them. She left in tears. Later that night she texted me asking did i call her pvt cause her heart said it was me. when i went to respond she called me on facetime and she said she read the letter and cried. that she read it to her friend who went with her to get the abortion. She told me that she wish she was laying with me and that she was sorry. that she cut herself and hasnt been eating and was dizzy. i told her to lean on her friend for help, that she was no longer mine and i cant do anything although i wish i could. She asked to watch me while she feel asleep and we fell asleep looking at each other through computers smh. that was last monday night. Last friday i get a text from a random # saying "tell your girl to chill, not to get you involved". She then calls me from her job ph but i didnt answer as i was going NC. then my source contacts me and says that someone texted her and said they wanted to meet her from that same #. They said that if her new boyfriend knew that she was in contact with them that he'd kill her. I asked the source to not give me any more info and even said f*ck all of them they deserve each other as it pissed me off to be involved in nonsense.. I havent heard anything since. I miss her so much and i felt like last monday i had a chance to pull her back, but i know that its a tug of war and dude is setting her up for failure. She even said she knows hes no good but she feels that she's in love with him because that first time he said he was leaving to LA and made her believe that. So here i am on day9 of NC, wondering what shes up to, who shes with, if shes ok and im heartbroken, angry, confused and devestated. I cant sleep at night and she's on my mind constantly. Was i a rebound for 3 years?

 

I dont know what to do but i know i gotta move forward. She has blocked me from everything since she first broke up with me and ive done the same. I dont know what to do. I know this was long but i need some answers, anybody please tell me what would you do in my shoes if you loved someone so much and you didnt want to see them get hurt by a piece of sh*t again. thanks for reading this smh

[Chi townD]

Just move on, dude. Too much drama in her life and that's drama you don't need.

 

She made her choice and, unfortunately, it wasn't you. So, now she'll have to live with that choice. NOT YOU!

[johncourtz]

Guess you're right man...gotta face facts, get thru this grieving period and move on smh.

[strive]

This is really messed up.

 

But if I may give my opinion, it seems she never really got over the abortion. She felt very rejected by you and this made her rethink your relationship. Which is probably why she was blowing hot then cold especially towards the end. You said you were thankful that you overcame the drama, but apparently not the same for her. Based on her dating history before you, she has some trust issues. She probably feels that she can't trust you anymore and it was eating her up all this time so she latched on to the closest person the could "trust."

 

She could be acting out of hurt, but I could be wrong. I don't know her they way you know her.

 

Sorry I have no advice for you, but I hope this gives you a different angle.

[johncourtz]

Strive your absolutely right i agree with you. That is my biggest regret. I wish i had never said anything. She brung it up during one of our last convos. I know she never got over that. Even during out last convo she cried alot when i brung it up. I wish i could do something to get her back, but i feel its best to give her her space. I'll just fade away..do NC and see what happens. I dont want to have false hope.

[johncourtz]

Was week last night... im 2 weeks of NC and almost reached out to my ex girl last night. im glad i didnt tho. Just wanted to say that i love this website. It helps to keep me focused. I gotta move on. She's made her choice

[aaron11892]

Good for you! It' very hard to stay in NC at the start, as I'm sure everyone on here can say the same. Love is like a drug and when we get dumped we begin to have withdrawal symptoms such as wanting to talk to them but you should be proud of yourself for letting the craving pass. We all get over the drug (the ex) over time, stick at it, there is light at the end of the tunnel

[BC1980]

Don't break NC. You will have other times you are tempted. I broke NC after nearly 3 months, and it ended up being emotionally distressing to say the least. Just don't do it. The ex will only have more hurt to offer you.

 

You will have more times when you want to break NC. They get few and further between, but be prepared. Come on here, and we will talk you out of it.

[johncourtz]

Thx guys for the support. I'll do just that. I refuse to break NC..the holidays are coming up and i know its gonna be hard but i'll stand my ground.

[BC1980]

Thx guys for the support. I'll do just that. I refuse to break NC..the holidays are coming up and i know its gonna be hard but i'll stand my ground.

 

I became really sentimental due to the holidays coming up. Also, I am going on a trip around that time, and it's my first trip without the ex. These things bring up a lot of buried emotions that you have to process. Look to your family and friends to help you through this time. Do not contact the ex because he/she cannot help you through this grief. It is hard to make sense of that because normally, you would go to the ex when a problem arose. The ex was your comfort, and, now, they are your source of pain.

 

I learned the hard way. In a moment of weakness, I gave into a compulsion without thinking it through. It just goes to show that you should never make such a crucial decision when you are emotional.

[johncourtz]

What happened when you gave in? im just curious.

[BC1980]

What happened when you gave in? im just curious.

 

After we broke up, my ex decided he was confused and needed time and space. After I contacted him Friday, he asked to meet up. I said not unless he has changed his mind. Of course, he hasn't. If I had stayed NC, I would never have exposed myself to that conversation.

 

A major problem for me is that my ex is only too happy to see me and remain friends, while keeping me in the background if he decides he wants to commit. So I know he will answer if I call him, and he would agree to meet up with me if I wanted to. Some people would give anything for that, but it's not a good thing. It makes it very difficult to let go and move on permanently.

[johncourtz]

Having a rough morning. Couldnt sleep all night. i just cant wrap my mind around how she can bail after 3 years. Was i a 3 year rebound? how can a person who claims they want to spend the rest of their life with you just drop you overnight like nothing? I feel so hopeless today =0(

[johncourtz]

NC now for almost 3 weeks and starting to lose hope. Woke up with her heavy on my mind and prayed for strength to get thru the day. Last we spoke on FaceTime and she stared at me saying she wish she was laying down with me and was at my apt, and just like that i haven't heard anything since. She avoided me for a couple of weeks and was short and cold thru text and email until i took her her things and it all came tumbling down. She cried and we spoke and she seemed remorseful and conflicted. She's cut anyone off and blocked everybody that we have in common including friends that she introduced me to. With the holidays approaching i wanna send a text or flowers from a secret admire, but i don't wanna expose myself to anymore pain or setbacks. Just venting. I swear its like waking up in a nightmare every day. I regret not having that child with her, maybe we would be happy and living together now...feeling really down today.

[Haydn]

John mate, I am at 4 months NC. It will get worse before it gets any better. Have nothing to do with her. Show no weakness with yourself. Block her from everything dont let her have the opportunity to use you as a plan B. No flowers. You need to be in control of this now. Its very hard but if you do the things advised on these boards you will spare yourself more pain. Dont let her have you on a lead. Take care.

[Logan oO]

NC now for almost 3 weeks and starting to lose hope. Woke up with her heavy on my mind and prayed for strength to get thru the day. Last we spoke on FaceTime and she stared at me saying she wish she was laying down with me and was at my apt, and just like that i haven't heard anything since. She avoided me for a couple of weeks and was short and cold thru text and email until i took her her things and it all came tumbling down. She cried and we spoke and she seemed remorseful and conflicted. She's cut anyone off and blocked everybody that we have in common including friends that she introduced me to. With the holidays approaching i wanna send a text or flowers from a secret admire, but i don't wanna expose myself to anymore pain or setbacks. Just venting. I swear its like waking up in a nightmare every day. I regret not having that child with her, maybe we would be happy and living together now...feeling really down today.

 

That was a long first post, but i read the entire thing.

 

Your ex, likes dangling the carrot sadly. Keeping you on the hook as you are a safe bet to fall back on, and she is on the hook of her ex / boyfriend or whatever he is.

 

If i were you, i'd accept that 'i don't share my partner with someone else' and stay NC, keep using this site, and push forward man, i keep saying 2014 is a NEW year, so Fresh Start from then

 

As for today, it's going to happen, you'll have bad days, ok days and the occasional good day, you just gotta accept that it is part of the healing process and don't hold stuff in. If you need to talk about it, it's what we do here, we lean on eachother for advice and support

[johncourtz]

Thank you Haydn. Just got caught up in myself today. I'm trying to be strong but i go thru those spells sometimes. I know time will heal, but i miss the hell out of her. I will stay gone tho, i will stay a ghost.

[johncourtz]

That was a long first post, but i read the entire thing.

 

Your ex, likes dangling the carrot sadly. Keeping you on the hook as you are a safe bet to fall back on, and she is on the hook of her ex / boyfriend or whatever he is.

 

If i were you, i'd accept that 'i don't share my partner with someone else' and stay NC, keep using this site, and push forward man, i keep saying 2014 is a NEW year, so Fresh Start from then

 

As for today, it's going to happen, you'll have bad days, ok days and the occasional good day, you just gotta accept that it is part of the healing process and don't hold stuff in. If you need to talk about it, it's what we do here, we lean on eachother for advice and support

Logan oO sorry for the long read. I had to get the entire story out just to get you guys prospective. Desperation led me to try google which led me to this awesome site. You guys are very supportive and i hope one day to be able to pay it forward. I just got blindsided. She fought for me to take her back to drop me a few months later, and the kids are in the middle so it sucks. And for a dude with no future..all flash and no substance. I am going to try to focus on me and my kid when im feeling down and better myself. 2014 is a new year, your right. Im praying i'll get my peace when its all said and done. Thanks for the advice!