The nightmares

[longjourney]

I can't escape them. Whether I'm awake or asleep. I have dreams/mind movies of my WH and the OW. They are sexual. They are detailed. They are of all the things I know they did (from him) and all the other things my brain "thinks" they did. It doesn't help any that I know the OW, that I know what she looks like, what her body looks like. I KNOW in my heart how turned on my WH was. It keeps running around my head on a loop. Nothing I do stops it. I am having such a hard time sleeping because of it, but being awake doesn't help either. I am not eating right. I don't know how to handle this. My WH knows, says he is sorry, but that doesn't change anything and sometimes his apologies fall on my deaf ears because sorry doesn't change the fact that HE did this to me YEAR after YEAR. Any advice.

 

I am also having more problems with the family members that know in RL. What I am having a hard time with? On my side my sister and my parents know. Even though they support me, I feel their distance and dislike of him when my WH is around them. They all say they support me even if we R, but I can feel it from them that they don't like who he is or what he did to me. Can you say you blame them? Meanwhile some of his family members know as well. When we are around them, I can feel how they are blaming the OW. They go on and on about how SHE is a home wrecker etc etc. My how the lines of loyalty divide. This is all so much to take in, considering Thanksgiving is just around the corner. My WH and I are leaning toward spending it with his family, if only to avoid the friction that is obvious when we are around my family, but we have always spent Thanksgiving with my family. I don't know what to do. I am not blaming either side, it's just ANOTHER consequence I have to live with due to my WH's actions.

[threelaurels]

Are you taking any kind of sleep aid? Ambien and other prescription sleep aids tend to make dreams much more vivid, which may make the problem worse. OTC sleep aids like melatonin and valerian root have also been linked to vivid dreams, so those may not be ideal either.

 

How long has it been since D-Day?

 

My best advice is for you to start therapy, if you haven't already. Therapy will give you a place to safely talk about all your feelings, will help you start working through everything that has happened, and will provide you with the emotional support you need right now.

[painfullyobvious]

The only thing that really removed the mind movies for me was time. That is not the answer that you want. I tried everything to stay busy and to keep my mind focused on anything but the betrayal. I know easier said than done. The more I sat around "thinking" the more intense the images were and the more my mind saw my girlfriend having a great time almost gleeful in her cheating. Those images were my own but that is what happens when we let the mind movies run on their own. I tried to interrupt them if I felt like I was obsessive and tell myself okay time to do something now I have thought about this too much now. As time went on they slowly went away but I did trigger from time to time.

[harrybrown]

Has your H stopped all contact with the OW?

 

Has he become transparent? Does he have any idea of the hurt that you have? Have him face some consequences and go to your side of the family for thanksgiving!

[longjourney]

Has your H stopped all contact with the OW?

 

Has he become transparent? Does he have any idea of the hurt that you have? Have him face some consequences and go to your side of the family for thanksgiving!

 

He says he has, but I don't really believe him. I am so busy with the kids and my own sanity I haven't checked up on him. He seems to be saying the right things, but nagging in the back in my mind when I do choose to think about it, I believe he loves her too much to stop. He is addicted to her. He loves her. Doe he love me too? Yes I believe that too, but I am working through if I want to stay with a husband who was in love with someone else even BEFORE we were married. She was off the market and I was still around, so I won by default. That isn't what he says, it is just a plain fact.

 

As far as Thanksgiving, I don't know yet what I want to do. I don't know if I want to deal with the level of discomfort around my own family either. Yup, just another kick in the teeth because of him. Will we ever be the same? I would love to find the one BS who can tell me yes they love their WH more now then before, that there isn't that little voice every once in a while that still wishes it were different, especially from a LTA. That truly is a different kind of animal. To be able to look past it, work through it (and yes I am in IC and so is he and we will go back to MC soon to "try") and be stronger? I just don't see it. To know the man you stood and said vows to blatantly through you away, I don't know if I can. Maybe it's different for me because of the before my M feelings for her. I truly think that kills me the most. I was a fool to waste my life and have children with this man.

 

Now I stand here knowing my children are the TRUE loves of my life.

[RightThere]

Sorry to hear your story. It is very hard to know that you are second best (or third or fourth)to your spouse in their heart.

 

I've been there thinking that I could continue on, but you can't. If he isn't doing everything to repair your relationship, then you will only end up in the same spot again.

 

You should probably separate for a while just so you can see that he's not really interested in saving your marriage. And let yourself see that you deserve better.

[Furious]

I can't escape them. Whether I'm awake or asleep. I have dreams/mind movies of my WH and the OW. They are sexual. They are detailed. They are of all the things I know they did (from him) and all the other things my brain "thinks" they did. It doesn't help any that I know the OW, that I know what she looks like, what her body looks like. I KNOW in my heart how turned on my WH was. It keeps running around my head on a loop. Nothing I do stops it. I am having such a hard time sleeping because of it, but being awake doesn't help either. I am not eating right. I don't know how to handle this. My WH knows, says he is sorry, but that doesn't change anything and sometimes his apologies fall on my deaf ears because sorry doesn't change the fact that HE did this to me YEAR after YEAR. Any advice.

 

I am also having more problems with the family members that know in RL. What I am having a hard time with? On my side my sister and my parents know. Even though they support me, I feel their distance and dislike of him when my WH is around them. They all say they support me even if we R, but I can feel it from them that they don't like who he is or what he did to me. Can you say you blame them? Meanwhile some of his family members know as well. When we are around them, I can feel how they are blaming the OW. They go on and on about how SHE is a home wrecker etc etc. My how the lines of loyalty divide. This is all so much to take in, considering Thanksgiving is just around the corner. My WH and I are leaning toward spending it with his family, if only to avoid the friction that is obvious when we are around my family, but we have always spent Thanksgiving with my family. I don't know what to do. I am not blaming either side, it's just ANOTHER consequence I have to live with due to my WH's actions.

 

 

I can suggest that you realize if the ow was so great she'd have many single men who would be thrilled to be with her in a real relationship. If her best option is a married man with children then she's not the prize you think she is.

 

Hope that helps you deal with the mind movies.

[Speakingofwhich]

I can suggest that you realize if the ow was so great she'd have many single men who would be thrilled to be with her in a real relationship. If her best option is a married man with children then she's not the prize you think she is.

 

Hope that helps you deal with the mind movies.

 

If I remember correctly, OW is married.

[Spark1111]

Did you ever call her up and demand to know how she lives with being the third party in your relationship?

 

Did you ever contact her H and forward all the emails and chats that span years and years?

 

Did you ever free him to go pursue his soulmate full time?

 

if not, why not?

 

These long term EAs are so insidious and therefore, so destructive.

 

There is nothing as addicting as this adolescent fantasy of the one true love who got away.....sigh....

 

So let them live their love out loud. And if they are not willing to do that, after you expose, set him free to find someone he will love as much as that fantasy.

 

Guaranteed, it does not exist.

 

But at least you will have your confidence and your integrity.

 

And if you have that, YOU will find a man who cherishes you too.

 

THAT'S when the mind movies will fade. THAT's when you will realize how juvenile this all is.

 

What isn't great in a fantasy? Nothing. So throw a bucket of some cold reality on it.

 

Or, start chatting up some old "friends" of your's....See how he likes it.

[longjourney]

Did you ever call her up and demand to know how she lives with being the third party in your relationship?

 

Did you ever contact her H and forward all the emails and chats that span years and years?

 

Did you ever free him to go pursue his soulmate full time?

 

if not, why not?

 

These long term EAs are so insidious and therefore, so destructive.

 

There is nothing as addicting as this adolescent fantasy of the one true love who got away.....sigh....

 

So let them live their love out loud. And if they are not willing to do that, after you expose, set him free to find someone he will love as much as that fantasy.

 

Guaranteed, it does not exist.

 

But at least you will have your confidence and your integrity.

 

And if you have that, YOU will find a man who cherishes you too.

 

THAT'S when the mind movies will fade. THAT's when you will realize how juvenile this all is.

 

What isn't great in a fantasy? Nothing. So throw a bucket of some cold reality on it.

 

Or, start chatting up some old "friends" of your's....See how he likes it.

 

Yes her BH and I have spoken, he does know all that I know as I know what he knows. He is on the fence about staying in his M and to be honest he is not so sure that they have indeed stopped contact, contrary to her words.

 

Yes, I did "set him free" to pursue her, but as I have said in previous posts, my WH was caught, he does not want to look like the bad guy. He wanted to leave me, he has told me they had plans in order (that did not come out right away either, fairly recently actually after IC). However my WH wanted to leave in a way that made him look innocent, to keep his reputation in tact, to say our M just didn't work out, we would D and then he would "start up" with OW. His fear of losing that PLUS his children terrifies him.

 

Their's was not a ONS. It was not a brief, tumultuous A. It was a LTA that lasted more than half of our M. It was a relationship. It became "normal", comfortable, routine.

Whereas their sex life was uninhibited and easy, ours is unsure an insecure. Their's was relaxed and satisfying and ours can be tense and frustrating.

I feel sometimes that she is the better match for him. Now I bring too much emotional baggage into the bedroom. I am constantly questioning if I am good enough. I am terrified that his desire for me will wane again. if someone else will come along or more likely, the OW will come around again.

This causes the doubt about both myself and "us".

I feel that in discovering the A, I came between them and a relationship that was good. (For them) I felt for al those years that he did belong to me, when he was with someone else. Now he is here with me and I feel as though he really belongs to her.

Even my H will try to reassure me that it was all fantasy, not "real". But you know what? It was very real. No she was not living with him, so did not take care of him when he was sick, but she certainly was there for him every day to listen to his work problems and stresses, to encourage and offer advice. She didn't have his children, but became close and "motherly" to each of mine. And yes, she gave comfort whenever it was needed, and reveled in her ability to do so. They were friends and lovers, something a M should be built on.

 

She was his "office wife" and was content with this role as she had her own family to care for at home. And my role was reduced to the "home secretary". I handled the domestic works of our family life, and she handled the emotional care. It would have been a great arrangement if I hadn't felt so needy for that emotional connection myself.

But the more he connected with her, the more he detached from me. I didn't see it happening, or maybe I just got used to his distance.

She gradually took over the role that should have been mine. the role of confidant and supporter and lover. It happened so slowly that I was either too foolish or immature to even recognize it.

But it was very real, and I mourn for those lost years. My experience was the fantasy, not theirs. I truly believe that had I left him right after discovery, they would be together today. I think she would have left her own marriage, aside from her saying she is staying with her BH.

My WH, whether he left me or not, he in effect left me years ago. Now we are supposed to try and rebuild something that was essentially over a long time ago.

[Snowflower]

Yes her BH and I have spoken, he does know all that I know as I know what he knows. He is on the fence about staying in his M and to be honest he is not so sure that they have indeed stopped contact, contrary to her words.

 

Yes, I did "set him free" to pursue her, but as I have said in previous posts, my WH was caught, he does not want to look like the bad guy. He wanted to leave me, he has told me they had plans in order (that did not come out right away either, fairly recently actually after IC). However my WH wanted to leave in a way that made him look innocent, to keep his reputation in tact, to say our M just didn't work out, we would D and then he would "start up" with OW. His fear of losing that PLUS his children terrifies him.

 

Their's was not a ONS. It was not a brief, tumultuous A. It was a LTA that lasted more than half of our M. It was a relationship. It became "normal", comfortable, routine.

Whereas their sex life was uninhibited and easy, ours is unsure an insecure. Their's was relaxed and satisfying and ours can be tense and frustrating.

I feel sometimes that she is the better match for him. Now I bring too much emotional baggage into the bedroom. I am constantly questioning if I am good enough. I am terrified that his desire for me will wane again. if someone else will come along or more likely, the OW will come around again.

This causes the doubt about both myself and "us".

I feel that in discovering the A, I came between them and a relationship that was good. (For them) I felt for al those years that he did belong to me, when he was with someone else. Now he is here with me and I feel as though he really belongs to her.

Even my H will try to reassure me that it was all fantasy, not "real". But you know what? It was very real. No she was not living with him, so did not take care of him when he was sick, but she certainly was there for him every day to listen to his work problems and stresses, to encourage and offer advice. She didn't have his children, but became close and "motherly" to each of mine. And yes, she gave comfort whenever it was needed, and reveled in her ability to do so. They were friends and lovers, something a M should be built on.

 

She was his "office wife" and was content with this role as she had her own family to care for at home. And my role was reduced to the "home secretary". I handled the domestic works of our family life, and she handled the emotional care. It would have been a great arrangement if I hadn't felt so needy for that emotional connection myself.

But the more he connected with her, the more he detached from me. I didn't see it happening, or maybe I just got used to his distance.

She gradually took over the role that should have been mine. the role of confidant and supporter and lover. It happened so slowly that I was either too foolish or immature to even recognize it.

But it was very real, and I mourn for those lost years. My experience was the fantasy, not theirs. I truly believe that had I left him right after discovery, they would be together today. I think she would have left her own marriage, aside from her saying she is staying with her BH.

My WH, whether he left me or not, he in effect left me years ago. Now we are supposed to try and rebuild something that was essentially over a long time ago.

 

longjourney. My heart breaks for you reading your post.

 

He has betrayed you in every possible way.

 

May I ask how old your children are?

 

I am normally one to say to try your best to reconcile, but in your case I don't think you should remain with your husband.

 

Do you really want to be with a man such as your husband? He has used two women for years to round out his life? He had you in the mother role, the woman who took care of his kids, his home, etc. Then he had his long-lost love GF for the emotional props.

 

Did I read it correctly that he also worked with this former GF of his? Why and how did that happen?

[Spark1111]

Yes her BH and I have spoken, he does know all that I know as I know what he knows. He is on the fence about staying in his M and to be honest he is not so sure that they have indeed stopped contact, contrary to her words.

 

Yes, I did "set him free" to pursue her, but as I have said in previous posts, my WH was caught, he does not want to look like the bad guy. He wanted to leave me, he has told me they had plans in order (that did not come out right away either, fairly recently actually after IC). However my WH wanted to leave in a way that made him look innocent, to keep his reputation in tact, to say our M just didn't work out, we would D and then he would "start up" with OW. His fear of losing that PLUS his children terrifies him.

 

Their's was not a ONS. It was not a brief, tumultuous A. It was a LTA that lasted more than half of our M. It was a relationship. It became "normal", comfortable, routine.

Whereas their sex life was uninhibited and easy, ours is unsure an insecure. Their's was relaxed and satisfying and ours can be tense and frustrating.

I feel sometimes that she is the better match for him. Now I bring too much emotional baggage into the bedroom. I am constantly questioning if I am good enough. I am terrified that his desire for me will wane again. if someone else will come along or more likely, the OW will come around again.

This causes the doubt about both myself and "us".

I feel that in discovering the A, I came between them and a relationship that was good. (For them) I felt for al those years that he did belong to me, when he was with someone else. Now he is here with me and I feel as though he really belongs to her.

Even my H will try to reassure me that it was all fantasy, not "real". But you know what? It was very real. No she was not living with him, so did not take care of him when he was sick, but she certainly was there for him every day to listen to his work problems and stresses, to encourage and offer advice. She didn't have his children, but became close and "motherly" to each of mine. And yes, she gave comfort whenever it was needed, and reveled in her ability to do so. They were friends and lovers, something a M should be built on.

 

She was his "office wife" and was content with this role as she had her own family to care for at home. And my role was reduced to the "home secretary". I handled the domestic works of our family life, and she handled the emotional care. It would have been a great arrangement if I hadn't felt so needy for that emotional connection myself.

But the more he connected with her, the more he detached from me. I didn't see it happening, or maybe I just got used to his distance.

She gradually took over the role that should have been mine. the role of confidant and supporter and lover. It happened so slowly that I was either too foolish or immature to even recognize it.

But it was very real, and I mourn for those lost years. My experience was the fantasy, not theirs. I truly believe that had I left him right after discovery, they would be together today. I think she would have left her own marriage, aside from her saying she is staying with her BH.

My WH, whether he left me or not, he in effect left me years ago. Now we are supposed to try and rebuild something that was essentially over a long time ago.

 

My heart also breaks for you. There never was a marriage where he invested emotionally into you and only you, so what is there to rebuild?

 

And affaires NEVER want to be the bad guys..... I so understand not wanting to be the default choice and I am unsure if I could rebuild anything thinking I was...

 

Your insecurities are completely understandable. he created the distance until it grew so wide you now have a moat around your heart and any intimacy building.

 

So, what are your options? You could separate and see if there is a marriage worth ( to you) saving while still attending counseling. You could also agree to dating others to see if there is someone more suitable to you.

 

You do not have to stay stuck wondering if you were always his default choice. You also deserve love and happiness and to be desired and cherished for just being you.

 

Tell him all this. Do not just sit back and take one for the team NOW that he has decided to be a good boy....maybe.

 

He brought this mess into your lives. One very real consequence is you may NOT be able to reconcile.

 

Separate to learn your own heart.

[velvette]

 

 

This causes the doubt about both myself and "us".

I feel that in discovering the A, I came between them and a relationship that was good. (For them) I felt for al those years that he did belong to me, when he was with someone else. Now he is here with me and I feel as though he really belongs to her.

Even my H will try to reassure me that it was all fantasy, not "real". But you know what? It was very real. No she was not living with him, so did not take care of him when he was sick, but she certainly was there for him every day to listen to his work problems and stresses, to encourage and offer advice. She didn't have his children, but became close and "motherly" to each of mine. And yes, she gave comfort whenever it was needed, and reveled in her ability to do so. They were friends and lovers, something a M should be built on.

 

She was his "office wife" and was content with this role as she had her own family to care for at home. And my role was reduced to the "home secretary". I handled the domestic works of our family life, and she handled the emotional care. It would have been a great arrangement if I hadn't felt so needy for that emotional connection myself.

But the more he connected with her, the more he detached from me. I didn't see it happening, or maybe I just got used to his distance.

She gradually took over the role that should have been mine. the role of confidant and supporter and lover. It happened so slowly that I was either too foolish or immature to even recognize it.

But it was very real, and I mourn for those lost years. My experience was the fantasy, not theirs. I truly believe that had I left him right after discovery, they would be together today. I think she would have left her own marriage, aside from her saying she is staying with her BH.

My WH, whether he left me or not, he in effect left me years ago. Now we are supposed to try and rebuild something that was essentially over a long time ago.

 

You are overvaluing/overrating her role/experience with him imo.

 

Whatever their feelings, they do not have the courage to live a R for real. So really how much could it all have meant to either one of them?

 

I know from my own experience the "work wife" does not hold up and quickly goes PFFFT.... when it comes up against the real world. Too bad you and her BH didn't let them find this out. Likely they would have found out they had in common only work and sex. No one wants to talk about work 24/7 and when sex is readily available, no one wants that 24/7 either. These things do not a R make.

[peaksandvalleys]

I can't escape them. Whether I'm awake or asleep. I have dreams/mind movies of my WH and the OW. They are sexual. They are detailed. They are of all the things I know they did (from him) and all the other things my brain "thinks" they did. It doesn't help any that I know the OW, that I know what she looks like, what her body looks like. I KNOW in my heart how turned on my WH was. It keeps running around my head on a loop. Nothing I do stops it. I am having such a hard time sleeping because of it, but being awake doesn't help either. I am not eating right. I don't know how to handle this. My WH knows, says he is sorry, but that doesn't change anything and sometimes his apologies fall on my deaf ears because sorry doesn't change the fact that HE did this to me YEAR after YEAR. Any advice.

 

I am also having more problems with the family members that know in RL. What I am having a hard time with? On my side my sister and my parents know. Even though they support me, I feel their distance and dislike of him when my WH is around them. They all say they support me even if we R, but I can feel it from them that they don't like who he is or what he did to me. Can you say you blame them? Meanwhile some of his family members know as well. When we are around them, I can feel how they are blaming the OW. They go on and on about how SHE is a home wrecker etc etc. My how the lines of loyalty divide. This is all so much to take in, considering Thanksgiving is just around the corner. My WH and I are leaning toward spending it with his family, if only to avoid the friction that is obvious when we are around my family, but we have always spent Thanksgiving with my family. I don't know what to do. I am not blaming either side, it's just ANOTHER consequence I have to live with due to my WH's actions.

 

 

I feel the same way about the movies. They make me feel like everything is happening over and over again.

[longjourney]

I feel the same way about the movies. They make me feel like everything is happening over and over again.

 

I have followed your story on here and my heart breaks for you. Your words many times make me feel better in knowing I am not alone. Thank you for sharing your journey

[peaksandvalleys]

I have followed your story on here and my heart breaks for you. Your words many times make me feel better in knowing I am not alone. Thank you for sharing your journey

 

It sucks to hell but it is what it is.