offcloudnine Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 I'll try to keep this as short as possible whilst preserving important milestones. We were childhood friends that eventually started dated (I asked her out) in our final years of college. Honestly couldn't be happier that we were together, I'm sure like many couples we had our ups and downs but we couldn't be any happier it seemed until she eventually questioned her love for me. Over the course of our relationship this happened 3 times including this very last time. She would ask for time away/break up with me every time this occurred but for the first two times find her way back and reassure me of her love for me; we'd come back from it stronger than ever or so I thought. The second and so far last time she claimed that she was certain of it beyond any doubt and made a commitment to stick by me through thick and thin. Obviously that fell through as I am posting here, she eventually left me again citing that she 'knows' that I am not the one for her, which quite honestly caught me by surprise. She tells me that she wanted me to be and tried for it to work, which I honestly doubt because looking back with a clear mind she was more often than not the selfish one in the relationship and I was the 'giver'. She has low self-esteem, can be very emotional and doesn't deal well with stress at all. I mention this because she's under a lot of stress to get started in her career which hasn't taken off yet - neither has mine. Her parents never really liked me because of my career choice (it's in the creative industry) and as much as she or I would hate to admit it, probably influenced her whether she liked it or not. I guess all this adds up and it's probably being idealistic to say that if she really loved me she'd look past all of this, but there's no point in conjecture from me. Fast forward back to the most recent break up, I asked her not to contact me which initiated NC. She still has some things at my place but it doesn't seem she'll need them until at least a month or two later. So far it has only been a day of NC but it hasn't gotten any easier despite going through heart break in the past with the same girl. I'm not sure what I hope to get in sharing my story, I suppose I just wanted to get it out there and perhaps get some perspective, opinions, or even advice on the matter. Thank you for reading.
Philosoraptor Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 The past and her actions have shown you how she feels. For some reason, whether that be stress or her parents or whatever... she has decided that you are not the right person for her. She may have came back in the past, but she always left again... why would this time be any different? I think you need to write her off, heal up, and eventually move on to someone who is willing to give and put in the same amount of effort as you do in the relationship.
PegNosePete Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Dude, it's tough. It's been 3 times now. If she comes begging back then you know exactly what is going to happen. The same damn thing, again. You will be back here in 6 months, a year, 2 years or 10 years with the same story. For your own good, you need to prevent that from happening. It's over - and you have to stick to that, even if she comes begging to your door. Of course it's tough to realize this but it is what it is. Unless you want to condemn yourself to this cycle forever, you need to cut the cord and move on from this. It will take time. No contact will definitely help.
Author offcloudnine Posted November 22, 2013 Author Posted November 22, 2013 Just a quick update - today is NC day 5. She has texted/IM'd me that she misses me on 2 separate occasions, I did not reply. I don't intend to reply unless she can say more than just "I miss you", or "Just wanted to let you know that I miss you". Can anyone shed some more light on the possible psychology behind her messages? And I couldn't agree more and to be honest on hindsight we never really resolved the underlying issues that separated us in the first place each time we got back together. It's going to take a lot for me to go down that rabbit hole again despite really wanting to.
Philosoraptor Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 She is lonely, wants to ease her guilt, wants to keep you hooked "just in case"... they are all selfish reasons to make contact. If the issues that caused the breakup before were never fixed there is no reason to believe that suddenly after 5 days that these issues are magically gone.
Author offcloudnine Posted November 22, 2013 Author Posted November 22, 2013 I know this may be a stretch but is it possible that she said those things out of selfless-ness? i.e. she genuinely wants me to know that I'm missed despite the break up. Different parts of me are conflicting in regards to what I hope it means. You're right, I can't expect or believe that issues will suddenly disappear after 5 days, or even an extended period of time, I feel like the only way the issues would be resolved is if we were both had the right state of mind (love to be selfless rather than selfish, enough self-respect, etc.) and had a long discussion in which full disclosure and understanding can be established.
Philosoraptor Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 hahahahaha, no. Selflessness would be giving you nothing at all. It sounds rough but it would be forcing you to heal without breadcrumbs thus speeding up your recovery time as you'd have no speedbumps. The best thing a dumper can do is go full NC as well, as any contact puts tons of "what if" scenarios in the dumpee's mind. Selflessness would be not feeding her ego by trying to get a response from you.
Iguanna Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 I only know one thing, love is not supposed to be so hard, it's supposed to be simple and smooth. If you need time and breaks and thoughts to find out if you love someone, then you most probably don't love him. She doesn't seem to love you the way you would want her to and the way you deserve. I know it's hard but you have to let her go. I'm not saying that we have to find the perfect love and not settle for anything less, but there are some basic standards that have to be met. She has already given you the explanation: she wishes she could fall deeply in love with you cause her mind tells her you are a good guy and she would be happy with you, but her heart says otherwise. You deserve to find someone who won't doubt her feelings for you.
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