Marriage and Porn Addiction - Thoughts?

[janedoe67]

Does "in sickness or in health" mean sucking it up with an alcoholic or drug addicted spouse?

 

Does "for better or for worse" mean standing still so that an abusive spouse doesn't miss when they swing?

 

Does it mean just smiling as your spouse cheats?

 

Des it mane dealing with all the other women, men, or girls that your husband fills his head with night and day?

 

Does taking a vow mean that you just quietly endure while you are betrayed, hurt, lied to, neglected, and abused because.....you promised to?

 

What kind of man defends another man who is hurting his wife?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

The "abuse" forum is down the hall.

 

Feel free to go there when talking of some guy hurting his wife.

 

 

It doesn't apply here.

[Outsider77]

You should probably check your sources.

 

Pedophilia deals with the "pre-pubescent", regardless of age.

 

 

He could be from the island of Mypos, for all we know, but if he's from the USA, there is talk of more and more females in the U.S. reaching puberty by age nine these days - because of obesity.

 

 

Furthermore, everyone knows that "made to look twelve", in that context, is a statement uttered mostly by insecure women as a way of doubling their investment in a sinking ship. (lord knows why they do so...)

 

And lastly, how dare you discriminate against what are women who are as legal as you are, and whose votes count just as much as yours do, on the basis of appearance.

 

You are being completely illogical. I have seen porn in which women are made to look 12. They deliberately pick girls that are flat-chested and have childish faces, and put them in pigtails. They then pose on a frilly bed with a bunch of stuffed animals.

 

I don't need to check my sources. I know the definition of pedophilia. If you want to nitpick it would be hebephilia, which is still a disorder. Anyone who is interested in a 9 year old who has gone through puberty is still a pedophile and would be charged as one if caught in the act.

 

I really don't care who her husband is interested in. I'm pointing out evidence of a sexual disorder that is likely to be harmful.

 

I find it hilarious that you would think that I'm discriminating against women who look girlish. I've always looked much younger than I am. I could have easily looked 12 even in my early twenties. But I sure wouldn't have dressed myself up as a kid for some perv's fantasy.

[ChooseTruth]

I'm not saying she should suck it up and I definitely believe in honesty....but I do think she should maybe understand men's reality. Last year when talking to my new counselor she asked me if I watched porn. I was honest and said yes. She told me she didn't think she'd ever heard any guy give a different answer.

 

Me watching that stuff was directly proportional to how much sex I got at home. I think that guys have a cycle...we produce...we unload. If I'm not MBing or having sex, I'm going to have a wet dream and explode all over bed. It comes out one way or the other, and usually the night I have a wet dream is the night I went to bed extremely frustrated. I much preferred the real thing. My ex was extremely attractive, and I didn't really think the pornstars were any better looking no matter what their fake cup size was.

 

Also my ex actually encouraged porn, but then again her "porn" got her pregnant. She cheated for 4 months with another guy and we divorced. If she had argued against porn after getting pregnant and not knowing who the father was....yeesh. I will admit that that last year, me taking care of myself did start to affect our sex life. I was pretty sick of rejection and thought I knew when I had no chance with her. While in the middle of her affair, she mentioned that I was getting old and wasn't as interested anymore...I quickly corrected her and said that no, I just stopped waiting for her. Though she encouraged porn, she hadn't known I was actually watching it. In retrospect, I wish I had been more honest about that (lies of omission)

 

So right or wrong, there's my porn story. I do think a husband should respect his wife's wishes and always be truthful, but at the same time I think many women don't really understand a man's physical needs.

[Elliotte]

I would hope his therapy is dealing with the link between his porn preference and his father's history. It's hard to deny there isn't some connection there.

 

In a more general sense I can give some insight into porn addiction and how it affects relationships, based on my own experience and addiction, as well as a lot of the research I have done on the subject (a GREAT resource to read into is Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn). It is very enlightening how this sort of addiction affects behavior and worsens.

 

To play devil's advocate, the young girls preference may also be his extreme. As the brain gets used to more "regular" porn, often times the viewer seeks out more extreme porn, often it is cited that straight men will look up shemale porn, things that they wouldn't be attracted to in real life normally if they had no addiction. There is porn where the women of legal age look younger and play roles as if they were underage, and this might be the extreme he has reached in his addiction.

 

I know this puts you in a horrible position, you probably feel like he is, by extension, seeking out some fantasy you couldn't possibly be a part of. I am sure you made this clear with him. Unfortunately people often say what the other person wants to hear when given an ultimatum. With 99% certainty I can say this; putting ultimatums on him to stop will not make him stop. Until he is able to step outside himself and realize how destructive his behavior is, he will likely do it behind your back. Personal therapy, marriage counseling, and both of you researching porn addiction through links like the one I mentioned (I highly suggest you do NOT seek it out via religious sites who simply drop a bad stigma on porn based on dogma) will help you two make an informed decision, and get a better idea of how to move forward.

 

But if he is seeking out illegal child porn, that's a black and white case of doing something wrong, as he is helping a horrible criminal culture and if that is the case, I'd suggest getting yourself out of the situation immediately.

 

I can very well understand the pain it puts you through, his addiction affects him in ways outside the activity itself in subtle negative ways. In my relationships there have been plenty of times where the woman I was with and I shared viewing some porn to get in the mood, but very often there was differences in preferences that lead to issues. Many of us guys start watching porn during our awkward teenage years and it takes a long time to undo that mental programming just like with any other major experience.

 

The best case scenario for the relationship lasting is if you are able to talk openly about how his behavior makes you feel, without still giving him the feeling of "change now, or I will dump you!" and sticking to showing him how much you support him making this difficult transition. Most likely, he does not want to lose you but is feeling like he's between a rock and a hard place (your threats to leave and his inner demons about this addiction).