Koala41 Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 Hi all, this is my first time posting, and I'm kind of desperate (about to go into counseling next week but all around, confused as hell). I don't have many people in my life to confide in, and at this point in time, I don't want to talk to people about it because I don't want people judging my spouse. I will probably talk to people about it after counseling. So, yes, we are seeking counseling, but I'm curious on other couples opinions, thoughts, or if they went through the same things. Upon my research, I've found that over half of divorces have something to do with pornography. That's crazy, but it makes sense, especially in this time and age. My husband and I got married fast (too fast). Only after a few months of dating, and we were both young. We didn't know much about the other person, and I'm sure that contributes a great deal to this. We've been married 3 years and are in our late twenties. Early on, I found out that my husband watched a lot of porn, and it wasn't so much that that bothered me, but he lied to me about it. Consistently. The content also bothered me, a lot. It's all young girls. I know that "teen" porn is the legal age of 18, but when they're made to look 12, and you're a grown man looking at it, it's off-putting. The content of things he searches for also bothers me, questions all relating to young girls becoming sexual, disturbing things. It bothers me more than normal because his father was a child molester. I managed to forgive him for this, but nothing changed. I found out for a second time that he continued to look at porn when he knew the huge problem I had with it. He continued to lie. Porn is not always the enemy, but lies and betrayal are, and disturbing inquiries. I almost left him the second time. Our marriage was just not good. We decided to stay together and turn a new leaf. He swore it was over. We moved to a new city. And just the other day, I find teen porn and disturbing Google searches on his phone. He admits he does this multiple times a week, has a fascination with young girls, and needs help. I'm unsure if therapy will help me forgive him. I will go through it to help him, but I'm not sure if I can stay with him. He is far from the person I thought he was. Thoughts? Has anyone else had a similar situation with their husband? What happened?
TigerCub Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 Hey Koala, I'm sorry for your situation. You mentioned his father is a child molester. Do you know if your husband was molested. Is that what you are referring to or did some other child get molested. I ask because maybe if he was abused as a child then his fascination with young looking women just has even more angles to it - then his porn addiction may actually be related to his past. If you read anything I had to say about porn addiction, you'd know that I certainly don't think it's something worth putting up with. But you are married and you want to try, I wish you well. I've never been married but my ex had a porn addiction, and whereas you know what your man looked at, I had no idea what mine did because he always always deleted his history, and in a way I find that even more disturbing. I wish you luck, but my only advice about this is, if he doesn't truly make changes to get help and fix this, you need to know when to throw in the towel because it will destroy you. You'll question your own worth in these types of situations and he'll just drag you down with him. He's not looking at children, so at least that's good. I just wonder about his past, and if there are deeper things he needs to deal with.
Philosoraptor Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 Well yes, he needs help as he has an unhealthy attraction to young girls. I would not produce children with this man until he has received therapy for both his current issue and his childhood which is likely the cause of his fascination with children.
Author Koala41 Posted November 18, 2013 Author Posted November 18, 2013 Thank you for the replies. I should have made it clear but he was not molested. His father molested and raped multiple young girls but not him
janedoe67 Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 I am so sorry you are going through this. You may be told that you should just "get over" your problems with the porn and that you are "silly" for being upset about porn. Bottom line, porn DOES destroy a lot of relationships, and even more importantly, it hurts you, his wife. So yeah, he needs to cut it out. 2
TigerCub Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Thank you for the replies. I should have made it clear but he was not molested. His father molested and raped multiple young girls but not him OMG that is so sad. I'm no psychiatrist, but I can't imagine that something like that hasn't had a deep effect on him. Also, it is still possible that something happened to him, but he just never wanted to admit it. Either way, I hope that he gets the help he needs to deal with his past and hopefully that will clear the way to him fixing his porn addiction issues. ***HUGS***
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 While the cycle of abuse was certainly a sensible consideration in this thread, the implication that child molestation is genetic, might be a new one to science. Most likely, is the chance that subtle and tangent patterns of behavior present in his father, were observed and copied by junior (perhaps as direct results of the father's social flaws/abuses). Is it really right to blame junior for all of this - as if it is his personal responsibility, and deserving no compassion from you, the person he married? Who were his parents as of the moment you said "I do", and "... for better or for worse..." ??
Author Koala41 Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 I am obviously helping him, which is why I'm paying for therapy, and going with him, instead of leaving him. Where in my post did I state that I was giving up? This was looking for thoughts and help, not judgement of what kind of wife I am. 1
Iguanna Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 I'm no expert but I wouldn't go too far and assume that his father being a molester results with him being addicted to porn. Maybe it suits his wife better to give an excuse to this addiction so she won't feel "responsible" that she may not be enough for him, but I most likely think that a guy watching porn is nothing more than a guy watching porn. I have read and heard many guys admitting that they watch porn even when they are happily married, they find it healthy and I can't disagree to this. At my age and after many discussions with men I have believed that sexual attraction and emotions can be something really separate for a man, it's te way nature made them. Of course this doesn't mean they are free to sleep with whoever they want if they are in a relationship or marriage, we are not animals, we are jumans and we expect from them to hold themselves from their wild insticts. I hate porn, I think it's many times responsible for the false opinion young people have about sex plus I'm really sensitive with people making porn, I think I would get devastated if my kid one day told me that he/she makes porn but this is something that I believe. Nevertheless I don't find it bad for a guy to watch porn. I remember an ex telling me when I asked him why does a man who is happy with his wife or girlfriend have the need to watch porn and "please" himself alone, he answered that it's like spending some time alone and having fun. I don't think that men see porn the way women do. For men I think it's just another entertainment that ends when they hit the pause button. We women overanalyze things and we start to get worried and think, maybe I'm not enough? maybe he doesn't find me attractive anymore?. But these thoughts most of the times are not the issue. If sex life with my bf or husband would be as always and if he showed me he loved me the same, I wouldn't worry about him watching porn. I would ask him what he feels about it and why he does it, but I wouldn't show great worry cause then he would be obliged to lie to me and cover it. All in all I think you are overreacting and exaggerating about this matter, I think you were the one to have made it such a big deal and made him lie to you, but of course I can't know all the details of your life and I'm sorry if I jumped to fast conclusions, but the way you described the story made me think this.
janedoe67 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 While the cycle of abuse was certainly a sensible consideration in this thread, the implication that child molestation is genetic, might be a new one to science. Most likely, is the chance that subtle and tangent patterns of behavior present in his father, were observed and copied by junior (perhaps as direct results of the father's social flaws/abuses). Is it really right to blame junior for all of this - as if it is his personal responsibility, and deserving no compassion from you, the person he married? Who were his parents as of the moment you said "I do", and "... for better or for worse..." ?? Umm.....so she just sucks it up?
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 I almost left him the second time. I'm not sure if I can stay with him. I never said anything about your "giving up". But instead of condemning him for the porn, and for the associated lying, which your own militant scrutiny has surely spawned... what say you go to counseling next week and try to solve for your own curiosity just exactly what was the root of the man's interest in young females. I mean, for example, if the father abused/molested young females, how much of this went on at a time when your husband was at some impressionable age? (or was your husband already well into his teens by then?) (and/or how aware of it was your husband, at the time??) If you've got a guy who finds himself fawning over the likes of Suri Cruise on the cover of a popular magazine, that's one major issue, but if you are somebody quite sure that the teens shown in this porn are 'all' (meaning 'just about...' {save for the occasional scandal} ) 18 years of age - then this is something you need to work-out within your own mind. Before you do anything else, work with the counselor to help you better understand the puzzle which brought your husband to the present.
janedoe67 Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 which your own militant scrutiny has surely spawned Omg......seriously? SHE is to blame?
Iguanna Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 which your own militant scrutiny has surely spawned Omg......seriously? SHE is to blame? She is not to blame of course but we have to keep in mind that whatever you forbid, you make it more powerful. That's why other women when you are married seem more appealin than your wife. Even if we accept he has an addiction, I think this kind of bahavior made him more consistent on pursuing it. It's better to talk to him calmly and try to understand how he feel about it than terrorizing him and showing him you in no circumstances accept what he does. Addiction for young women? Don't all men have it? And to be totally honest, don't most women have "addiction" to young men as well? If every one of us could choose a man for ourselves, wouldn't we choose a young(er) man? I'm sorry but I still don't get why you got this mad about this, you changed home etc. Maybe I'm missing something, I don't know.
Outsider77 Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 I think there is something wrong if he is obsessed with teens who look like young girls. Men are obviously attracted to youthful looking women. There is nothing wrong with that. What is wrong is when they aren't attracted to physically mature young women. It is not normal for men to be attracted to girls that look 13. I find it disturbing that he is looking up stuff about young girls being sexual. It sounds like he is into girls, not women. I think if he has a fetish for young girls, it's likely not going away. I don't know why some men develop these obsessions but they never seem to be able to overcome them. He's even told you he's obsessed with young girls. If they are young enough that makes him a pedophile. Whether or not he acts on it. I would not want to be married to someone like that regardless of his getting therapy. Be careful. 1
janedoe67 Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 I get that a particular generation and subset of people are proud of how open they are about porn and things....but the bottom line is that this repeated behavior is hurting this man's wife. In a marrige, you are to care for your spouse, not intentionally do things that you know hurt them. In THIS marrieg, she is hurt by his sexualizing and constant ogling of young women/girls. Honestly, that in itself is enough reason for him to stop. Also, just because some people are free and fine with their partner looking at whomever doing whatever does not mean that SOME people do not have a moral and personal objection to it. What I hear is people telling a hurting OP to get over it and that it is her fault he is looking at it and that part of "for better or worse" is just ducking it up and enduring hurtful behavior. To put it bluntly, that is just about the worst marital advice I can think of, and it is sure to lead to even more resentment and hurt in their marriage. Yes, discuss it calmly and without anger. But telling someone who is being hurt by their spouse's behavior to "get over it and get with the times" is ludicrous. And for the record I DO NOT pine for younger men. I prefer them older and grown up. 3
Iguanna Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 We can't advise her to leave him nor can we advise her to stay, cause we all have different ethical views of life and marriage. In my personal opinion, if I love my husband deeply and other than this flaw he is s good person and he loves me, I would put a great effort on understanding him, talking this through, maybe even going to counseling with him. Nobody can know exactly what happens between a couple so nobody can give advises that should be followed. I think we are only talking trying to get in her position.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 I get that a particular generation and subset of people are proud of how open they are about porn and things....but the bottom line is that this repeated behavior is hurting this man's wife. In a marrige, you are to care for your spouse, not intentionally do things that you know hurt them. In THIS marrieg, she is hurt by his sexualizing and constant ogling of young women/girls. Honestly, that in itself is enough reason for him to stop. Also, just because some people are free and fine with their partner looking at whomever doing whatever does not mean that SOME people do not have a moral and personal objection to it. What I hear is people telling a hurting OP to get over it and that it is her fault he is looking at it and that part of "for better or worse" is just ducking it up and enduring hurtful behavior. To put it bluntly, that is just about the worst marital advice I can think of, and it is sure to lead to even more resentment and hurt in their marriage. Yes, discuss it calmly and without anger. But telling someone who is being hurt by their spouse's behavior to "get over it and get with the times" is ludicrous. And for the record I DO NOT pine for younger men. I prefer them older and grown up. How come you are so reluctant to understand that the same reasons which had the O.P.'s father-in-law molesting young girls (the cycle of abuse, spawned well back in the family tree) double as the reasons why this man is seemingly so obsessed with porn, and specifically that of """young(whatever that means)""" females? That far more than your side-note is the bottom line. If instead it was a rare blood disease, cycling through the generations of that one family... would you be the one sitting here advising that he just "get over it" for the sake of his wife???? OR would you note, as would most anybody, that this is the person to whom she said "I do", and about whom she probably uttered the words: "for better or for worse". If she didn't utter those exact words, then she must certainly know where the door is. So far, there is nothing from the OP to suggest that this man is to be personally condemned for anything he's done. So far, also, she has not disclosed any breaking of the law by him either. And we're all curious: Why is it in your example of a marriage one spouse is to "... care for..." the other when you suggest no element of reciprocity about the case in point??
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 If they are young enough that makes him a pedophile. Thank heaven the O.P. has not (yet) offered any information whatsoever to suggest that her husband is a pedophile. (but of course somebody always brings that up when it doesn't apply)
Hattie Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 I was drawn to your post because we have slightly similar situations, however I am 20+ years in with mine. I would like to first point out the type of porn and the connection with a family history of sexual abuse/rape/molestation. I won't or can't say how relevant his fascination to teen porn is in relation, but I think you are good to keep that in the forefront of your concerns. If it rubs your senses the wrong way-you are right to address it. I have personal experience with that as well and know for a fact that you need to listen to those warning signals. I also have personal experience with misguided sexual tendencies running in families- Secondly, I too once was the young understanding supportive wife- Well at least he's not cheating on me--well at least he's not at the strip clubs. Let him watch porn cause at least he is home. Let it play a small part in your sex life to 'make it more interesting' or spice it up from time to time..... 20 years later it now is apparent what a bad idea that was. They regularly view and associate hard core or unrealistic sexual practices and after so long, normal healthy loving sex rarely works anymore. It takes more and more to give the same satisfaction. Then they start wanting you to do those things they watch..... Even if it turns you off, makes you feel bad or is uncomfortable. Then one day, you enter your sexual peak. You look to your aging partner that you sufficed all those years through his enthusiasm for porn and where is he.....down in a dark lonely basement pleasuring himself to unrealistic electronically viewed sex unable to physically accommodate your newly found sexual freedom-both because years of just sitting there masterbating has left him sexually out of shape and because his lust for Gonzo-no one really has sex like that porn makes him unable to maintain an erection when engaging in real sex with you! 2
janedoe67 Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 How come you are so reluctant to understand that the same reasons which had the O.P.'s father-in-law molesting young girls (the cycle of abuse, spawned well back in the family tree) double as the reasons why this man is seemingly so obsessed with porn, and specifically that of """young(whatever that means)""" females? That far more than your side-note is the bottom line. If instead it was a rare blood disease, cycling through the generations of that one family... would you be the one sitting here advising that he just "get over it" for the sake of his wife???? OR would you note, as would most anybody, that this is the person to whom she said "I do", and about whom she probably uttered the words: "for better or for worse". If she didn't utter those exact words, then she must certainly know where the door is. So far, there is nothing from the OP to suggest that this man is to be personally condemned for anything he's done. So far, also, she has not disclosed any breaking of the law by him either. And we're all curious: Why is it in your example of a marriage one spouse is to "... care for..." the other when you suggest no element of reciprocity about the case in point?? I'm not sure what you're ranting on about. I never suggested she not care or support or have compassion. But quite frankly, a blood disease and a behavior are NOT the same thing. Yes she should try to help him deal wth this, but HE has to be willing to try. Surely you are not suggesting she indefinitely endure a porn addiction?
crederer Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 What do you consider an "addiction"? What do you consider looking extremely young? I have to say, the porn I watch where it is advertised as 18/19 look the same age as the ones advertised as "MILF'S" (which in case you're not aware, suggests older "mature" women). There are a lot of variables here but I guess at the end of the day it bothers you a lot.....which is the main thing to consider.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 I'm not sure what you're ranting on about. I never suggested she not care or support or have compassion. But quite frankly, a blood disease and a behavior are NOT the same thing. Yes she should try to help him deal wth this, but HE has to be willing to try. Surely you are not suggesting she indefinitely endure a porn addiction? Pedophilia and a preference for young adult females are NOT the same thing either and this OP should have long ago figured out what she's dealing with. If she has no interest in learning what... and why... then she should just leave him. As it stands, she seems to be under the impression that the heightened military state which doubles as her home environment in the present will somehow solve the problem on its own. This is akin to suggesting to an alcoholic that he just stop drinking: "You, ya drinking too much???" "Yeah, probably" "Well hey, why don't you stop drinking?" "Oh, OK (I never thought of that)" 1
Outsider77 Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 Pedophilia and a preference for young adult females are NOT the same thing either and this OP should have long ago figured out what she's dealing with. The OP clearly stated that the teen porn he is looking at was the type in which the women are made to look 12. Pedophilia is defined as an adult who is attracted to children aged 13 or younger. She also stated that he is looking up information online having to do with young girls becoming sexual. These are warning signs that should not be ignored. Pedophilia is a dangerous sexual addiction and there is no cure.
crederer Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 Yeah........but that was just her opinion that they looked that young. I mean when I drive by the universities in my area, to me the kids look like they're 15, and I'm only in my mid twenties so........her saying they look 12 I think we have to take with a grain of salt. The older people get (i'm not sure her age) the younger people appear to them. When I was in highschool I felt fairly old and then see pictures of myself and I think "jesus, holy hell I look like a baby there".
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 The OP clearly stated that the teen porn he is looking at was the type in which the women are made to look 12. Pedophilia is defined as an adult who is attracted to children aged 13 or younger. . You should probably check your sources. Pedophilia deals with the "pre-pubescent", regardless of age. He could be from the island of Mypos, for all we know, but if he's from the USA, there is talk of more and more females in the U.S. reaching puberty by age nine these days - because of obesity. Furthermore, everyone knows that "made to look twelve", in that context, is a statement uttered mostly by insecure women as a way of doubling their investment in a sinking ship. (lord knows why they do so...) And lastly, how dare you discriminate against what are women who are as legal as you are, and whose votes count just as much as yours do, on the basis of appearance.
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