She cheated and got pregnant; how to forgive?

[Just Another Guy]

So, my long term girlfriend of six years cheated on me last year and ended up pregnant. I reacted about as well as you'd expect, but eventually decided I was going to take her back because I loved-- and still do-- love her.

 

Fast forward to now. Her son is three months old. To her credit, she's been very understanding and has tried to make things right. However, I'm finding this VERY hard to deal with.

 

I can't stop thinking of her and the other guy together. Whenever I look at her son, I get sad. Our conversations aren't what they used to be and or sex life is virtually non-existent. If she would have just cheated and not gotten pregnant, it'd be easy to deal with. If it was just a one night thing and she ended up pregnant, it'd be easy to deal with. But what's really killing me is the fact that she ran around for months with this guy, and then got pregnant. And even worse, she says that while she didn't try to get pregnant, she had the "if it happens, it happens" attitude (which basically means to me that she tried to get pregnant).

 

I feel totally betrayed, and her having a son just magnifies that feeling times a million. I REALLY don't want the relationship to end, but I don't know how to get past this. It really is the worst feeling in the world.

 

Some advice would be much appreciated.

[NJtoDC]

I'd say that after 6 years and now an innocent child in the mix I would make a decision. Are you all in or all out? Do you want to marry her and raise that child as your son or not? Sticking around without any long term intentions seems like a waste of time to me.

 

To marry her and raise that child, letting go of her betrayal, would certainly be a challenge for most. If you can't see yourself staying for the long haul I would leave now. It won't serve you or that child and good to stay.

[Just Another Guy]

Of course I want to marry her. I wouldn't be trying to work things out otherwise.

 

It's just that I don't seem to be able to move past this no matter how hard I try. And it isn't like I'm not trying nor do I want to, because I am and do. I'd like for us to go back to how we were prior, but it's just not happening.

 

I really am at a loss a to what to do. When I say I don't want the relationship to end, I really do mean it. I honestly can't see my life without her. But it just doesn't seem to be working out. We talk about this often (and I can tell she's getting frustrated) but nothing seems to get resolved at the end of the day.

[winny]

She cheated on you for God's sake.

You are supposed to dump her.

[NJtoDC]

Of course I want to marry her. I wouldn't be trying to work things out otherwise.

 

It's just that I don't seem to be able to move past this no matter how hard I try. And it isn't like I'm not trying nor do I want to, because I am and do. I'd like for us to go back to how we were prior, but it's just not happening.

 

I really am at a loss a to what to do. When I say I don't want the relationship to end, I really do mean it. I honestly can't see my life without her. But it just doesn't seem to be working out. We talk about this often (and I can tell she's getting frustrated) but nothing seems to get resolved at the end of the day.

 

Pardon my reading comprehension skills, my brain is tired. I reread your OP. If you are determined to try to make this work in the face of the issues at hand, I would go to a marriage/relationship counselor- together. I'd probably make it a requirement. Have you two taken any steps to work through your issues? It's not sounding good.

 

Best of luck to you.

[FitChick]

Where is the sperm donor? They have a way of appearing at the most inopportune times. Too much drama.

[phineas]

I'm sorry but the trolls on this site to come up with a new formula or start thinking outside the box.

 

I mean seriously, a woman cheats on her BF for months & gets pregnant.

sure i'll buy she's a whore & stupid to boot.

 

But the guy being so dumb as to not only take that woman back and raise another man's child but also consider her for marriage?

 

C'mon.

really?

And the other man has nothing to with his child & doesn't pay child support?

Really?

[lino]

If this OP is true...

[Just Another Guy]

I'm sorry but the trolls on this site to come up with a new formula or start thinking outside the box.

 

I mean seriously, a woman cheats on her BF for months & gets pregnant.

sure i'll buy she's a whore & stupid to boot.

 

But the guy being so dumb as to not only take that woman back and raise another man's child but also consider her for marriage?

 

C'mon.

really?

And the other man has nothing to with his child & doesn't pay child support?

Really?

 

I'll have you know I'm quite real (and have hundreds of texts if you'd like to see those).

 

As it is, reading comprehension isn't your forte. The only thing I mentioned of the other guy is that I can't stop thinking of him and her together. But, if you must know, yes, she does get child support from him, yes, he is semi-involved in his child's life and, yes, I do want to marry her (we had discussed this prior, with her wanting it sooner than I). Is there anything else you'd like to know?

 

As to everyone else, I'm not saying that I hold anything against her son, because I don't. I don't not do things for him nor would I treat him differently. Now I'm not going to sit here and say that it isn't hard for me to look at him, because it really is, but I'm trying. It's her I'm having the problem forgiving. The fact that he exists just makea it harder (if that makes sense).

[manticore]

Of course I want to marry her. I wouldn't be trying to work things out otherwise.

 

It's just that I don't seem to be able to move past this no matter how hard I try. And it isn't like I'm not trying nor do I want to, because I am and do. I'd like for us to go back to how we were prior, but it's just not happening.

 

you have to be honest with yourself and see if you can pass this, the fact is that things will never be as before, the kid will keep growing her responsibilities as mother will increse and she will pay less attention to you.

 

your options are, accept her and the child as your own or cut things already, because responsabilities came with a child and if you are going to be her life partner you will have to share those responsibilities.

 

also you are not sharing alot of information, why did she cheat?, what ensure she will not do it again?, where is the father in all of this?, why she did not use protection with him?, how did you find?, did they really are not in contac anymore?

 

to be honest with you even without this information I can see you probably will not be able to pass her betrayal, as you describe it her child will be a constant reminder of her betrayal and trigger for you, if the OM is not in the child life he will begin to call you dad in no time, are able to stand that?, do you want that role?, if the OM is the child life you will have to see every now and then the man with who your GF betrayed constantly.

 

you have to honestly sit and think if you will be able carry this situation the rest of yout life.

Edited November 18, 2013 by manticore

[maysj18]

I'll have you know I'm quite real (and have hundreds of texts if you'd like to see those).

 

As it is, reading comprehension isn't your forte. The only thing I mentioned of the other guy is that I can't stop thinking of him and her together. But, if you must know, yes, she does get child support from him, yes, he is semi-involved in his child's life and, yes, I do want to marry her (we had discussed this prior, with her wanting it sooner than I). Is there anything else you'd like to know?

 

As to everyone else, I'm not saying that I hold anything against her son, because I don't. I don't not do things for him nor would I treat him differently. Now I'm not going to sit here and say that it isn't hard for me to look at him, because it really is, but I'm trying. It's her I'm having the problem forgiving. The fact that he exists just makea it harder (if that makes sense).

 

This doesn't sit well with me and all sounds extremely selfish on your part. I don't care how "in love" with the mother you are, but unless you're willing to treat this child as your own (ESPECIALLY since the father isn't that involved) you need to leave. I can't stress that enough. Your situation spells disaster and for goodness sakes, she cheated on your for MONTHS. Come on, man. What on earth makes you think she won't do it again? I'm sure that's crossed your mind. I think you need to deal with your heartbreak and leave, because all these problems you're talking about are going to be felt by this poor child in a few months when he's old enough to comprehend. Had you said you wanted to work on things as a family, I can see it being worth it because at least the child would feel some from you, but no, you said that you get sad when you look at him. That is detrimental to a child and just screams selfishness, because you'd be willing to allow a child go through that just for your own selfish pleasure. Look at the mother and be sad, look at the sperm donor and be angry, I don't care, just don't look at this child as if he's a problem. You also said you do not "not" do things for him..as if that's supposed to be enough? Are you kidding me?

[manticore]

The only thing I mentioned of the other guy is that I can't stop thinking of him and her together. But, if you must know, yes, she does get child support from him, yes, he is semi-involved in his child's life and, yes, I do want to marry her (we had discussed this prior, with her wanting it sooner than I). Is there anything else you'd like to know?

 

As to everyone else, I'm not saying that I hold anything against her son, because I don't. I don't not do things for him nor would I treat him differently. Now I'm not going to sit here and say that it isn't hard for me to look at him, because it really is, but I'm trying. It's her I'm having the problem forgiving. The fact that he exists just makea it harder (if that makes sense).

 

uff man I have to be brutally honest with you, I don't think things are gonna work for you and her and staying with her is trying to fix a sinking ship.

 

let's forget the fact that cheaters can not be easily trusted and have to prove themselves remorseful, let's fortget the fact that reconcilation is painful and take years, lets forget the fact that your family will never see her in the same way and that family reunions with her child will always be akward, let forget the we don't know the reasons of why she cheated and what is she doing to not cheat again, and lets just focus in the information you just revealed.

 

truth to be told, it will be much more easy if the OM were not be in the picture,lets foucs in the common problems:

 

- the fact that you will constantly have relationship with the OM and the child will never let you heal complety ( for a healhy reconcilation the BS have to stay away of factors that trigger him, in this case the OM and the child)

 

- the fact that she will keep having contact with the OM for the child will be a constant problem that will cause you insecurity and you will never know if they will restart they affair (another rule for a healthy reconcilation is to cut communication with the OM by applying NC=No Contact permanently, in you case is impossible because they already have a bond for the rest of their life).

 

- the fact that she will have to remain in a cordial relationship with OM for the sake of the child is a indirect way of disrespect for you, and this will be for the rest of your life (they will have to share events that will involve his life, holidays, shool events, fathers's day, birthdays).

 

- other fact that damage your reconcilation is that you never will be able to pass exposure phase (exposure phase is shameful and painful process where everybody in your life learn about the betrayal and you and her are questioned by friends and family about the whole sitatution but once every body knows this ends, and you are not abliged to inform new people in your life about her betrayal, but in your case it will never be like that, every new person you get to meet or get involve with will know for the fact that you will not be child's father, the new friends, when the child begin to socialize in shool and people begin to refer as you as the father, but then the OM show will be a constantly process of exposure and shame for you and gossips will hurt the 3 of you).

 

- the realtionship between you and the cild will probably will never be good, even if you ramain civil, obviously if ypou not treat him as your child what will you do for your family reunions and family time, the cild will eventually undesrtand the situatuon and also will avoid being with you, this will eventually force the mother to take sides, remember childs get difficult ans sopiled while growing, if you don't love him hiw will you stand the difficult stages of childhood?.

 

man really leave that relationship, if you are not even being intimate with her why torture yourself statying there, remember you are not leaving her, she left you whe she betrayed you.

 

look for a healthy relationship, there are many good women aut there that are loyal.

[CrazyAlex]

I'm sorry but the trolls on this site to come up with a new formula or start thinking outside the box.

 

I mean seriously, a woman cheats on her BF for months & gets pregnant.

sure i'll buy she's a whore & stupid to boot.

 

But the guy being so dumb as to not only take that woman back and raise another man's child but also consider her for marriage?

 

C'mon.

really?

And the other man has nothing to with his child & doesn't pay child support?

Really?

 

With you on that 100%. I don't get why people reply to these troll threads.

[manticore]

BTW I have known of very few cases when the man accepts the OM child as his own but the OM is completly out of the picture, and the child is raised as the BS son, but never like yours, I don't think that a man can keep seing the rest of his life the OM and not wondering if they will restart they affair again if you make her mad of have a fight, I don't see a man standing that for years a reamining sane.

 

I am not against reconcilation in some cases, but in your case is just not healthy.

[ChessPieceFace]

I can't believe a man could have so little self-respect. Ridiculous.

 

If you leave now maybe you won't cause too much emotional damage to the kid. Get out before he imprints on you.

[phineas]

I'll have you know I'm quite real (and have hundreds of texts if you'd like to see those).

 

As it is, reading comprehension isn't your forte. The only thing I mentioned of the other guy is that I can't stop thinking of him and her together. But, if you must know, yes, she does get child support from him, yes, he is semi-involved in his child's life and, yes, I do want to marry her (we had discussed this prior, with her wanting it sooner than I). Is there anything else you'd like to know?

 

As to everyone else, I'm not saying that I hold anything against her son, because I don't. I don't not do things for him nor would I treat him differently. Now I'm not going to sit here and say that it isn't hard for me to look at him, because it really is, but I'm trying. It's her I'm having the problem forgiving. The fact that he exists just makea it harder (if that makes sense).

 

100's of texts.

I'm sorry i doubted your veracity.

 

But on the slight chance you are real here is my advice.

you're pathetic.

 

You are a chump and a cuckold.

Dump her & go find some self respect.

This is not a woman who will remain faithful.

This is a woman who doesn't love you or can give a crap about you.

 

You should also take it to the infidelity forum.

 

Oh and if you think it's messed up now wait until you end up separated living in your parents basement while you pay for her & another man's kid to live in your apartment/ home when she decides she doesn't need you.

Just your money.

Edited November 18, 2013 by phineas

[Iguanna]

I was trying to find a way and answer without sounding too cruel but the poster above my post has said everything I would say politely. What I want to comment on is, how do you let this kind of women treat you like this while there are so many good women out there waiting to find a good person for relationship? How can you settle with a woman who not only chased this guy for months while being in a relationship with you, not only cheated and got pregnant, but also had the audacity and nerve to make you raise her child with the person who she cheated you with. All this shows me an insecure person who thinks he will never find another woman for some reason. Well guess what, women aren't supposed to be that bitches or that insensitive. There are good girls out there who will love you, respect you and will make you happy. You don't deserve to just be the idiot in this story. Apart from all this, just think how your parents, relatives and friends will look at you, your girlfriend and her kid. Do you want to just seem a fool?

 

You are scared to leave her cause you are used to her, but I assure you, you will never be happy like this, and things will only get more complicated and worse as the kid grows up and starts asking questions. Trust me, you will find another girl to love. This woman is just taking advantage of you, she may "love" you in her way, but is this love enough for you? Do you think so little about yourself?

[RonaldS]

She not only cheated on you, but she had another man's child?

 

What decision is there to make, exactly? Tell her to eff herself and get the hell on. No brainer. Yes, you love her. Who cares? Do you know how many BILLIONS of girls there are in the world? Find one who doesn't have other guy's babies while sharing a bed with you and put your energy into her. Seriously....WTF?

 

Look, I get that you have history. Guess what? Nothing is more overrated than history. I was married and with a woman for essentially 14 years, and we have 3 kids together. We have a ton of history. Guess what it's worth. Dick. You move on when it's bad and you don't make memories of the good times before it got all buggered up as your life raft.

 

The second I find myself changing the crappy diaper of a baby that my gf had from another guy while we were together, I'm shoving that diaper sh*t first into her face and walking out the door.

 

Love? GTFO.

Edited November 18, 2013 by RonaldS

[CptSaveAho]

Blue Valentine (2010) - IMDb this is your outcome, spoiler alert, doesnt end well for the cuckold in the movie either

[Imported]

It crossed my mind to say something like "You're a better person than me to be able to forgive so much...."

 

But you're not.

 

Because some things you should stand up against. Some things should be unacceptable.

 

Bite the hand that feeds, get slapped down. Get tossed the **** out. Get replaced.

 

However, I realize there are guys that are "cuckolds" and such things are perfectly fine for them and it's not so much that they are able to "forgive so much", more of a they are incapable of even wanting to stand up for themselves.

 

 

But in the end: Who am I (or anyone else on the internet) to tell you to leave a girl that you love? I'm probably never going to trust a girl enough that has never cheated on me to ever ask her to marry me, so wtf do I know lol

Edited November 18, 2013 by Imported

[Kate9292]

By now you HAVE to love this kid as if it were yours. If you can't do that - leave. You'll only cause lasting mental damage on a poor child.

[boaaaar]

To her credit, she's been very understanding and has tried to make things right.

 

[...]

 

Our conversations aren't what they used to be and or sex life is virtually non-existent.

Yea obviously..

[SoleMate]

OP, can you provide any info on what actually is in the PRO column of this relationship analysis? What is good about the two of you together? What would demonstrate objectively that she loves and cares for you, or you for her?

[bubbaganoosh]

I doubt seriously if you'll be able to get past this. She cheated. That in it's self is bad enough but she also had a baby that isn't yours and as long as this baby is between you (and remember, the kid didn't ask to be born) how can you put it behind you.

 

IMO, this is another case of guys looking at a woman from the neck down instead of looking from the neck up and finally getting a handle on what type of girl she really is.

 

Friend, you need to have a life where you can be in a relationship with a woman you can trust and so far, she's proved she's anything but a trustworthy person. Don't you feel you deserve better? You alone are the only one that has the answer to that question.

[Just Another Guy]

For those who have said it, I don't (think I) lack any self-respect. Before this relationship I was in a semi-serious relationship with someone who cheated, and I basically told her to pound sand. So it isn't an issue where I'm "content" to remain with someone just because I don't think there is someone better.

 

As someone asked, I guess I can provide some details. Last year she was pressing hard for marriage and the like. When the topic came up I didn't ignore it, but would tell her that I wasn't ready. She, essentially, took this as I wasn't serious, even though all I wanted was to get financially stable. The other guy came along and, at least she says, starting telling her the things she wanted to hear, and she got swept up. She says it was a mistake and says she's sorry, and I believe her, but it's just hard to deal with.

 

I really, really, really do love her. If I didn't, I wouldn't be willing to try to make things work. I just don't know how to get past this. I know I keep saying it, but it's the truth. I don't hate her. I don't hate her son. I don't even hate the other guy. I'm not making any excuses for her or her actions, as they're indefensible. I just don't want to let this one thing ruin years between us.