Just ended it

[Strwbry]

22f. 26m. We were together for 2 years, all long distance. He's in a place where he has family, grad school, and a great job. I have family, a crap job and savings. It was our mutual decision for me to move out to his city in my own apartment. He planed to come early Dec so we can talk and get into specifics on financials, what we expect, how much he's helping me with. I would have to use all my savings. He made that clear.

 

Tonight, we were talking and he said how happy he was that I made the right decision. I asked what he meant. I didn't get that. It was our decision and one that was best for the relationship. He then told me that if I wasn't going to be here by Jan, he wanted to move on and start dating girls locally. I was shocked. Look, LDRs suck and I hate them too. I know they aren't for everyone. But how could I uproot my life for someone who was just going to do that anyway??

 

If this was reversed, I'd help him in any way. I'd let him live with me until he was on his feet or until he wanted to move in permanently. If he couldn't afford it, I'd create a plan and wait until he could. Not give him a deadline and if he fails, go meet John down at the bar! You're moving your life for someone!

 

Am I overreacting? I didn't know what else to even do or say. I told him I couldn't move for someone who was just going to give me an ultimatum and replace me.

[NJtoDC]

That sucks. Why did he draw the line with January when you were planning to make a game plan in December? Has the distance been a tug of war issue between you before now?

 

I've talked about moving for a guy before, even planned on it (hence, my screen name NJtoDC...I'm still in NJ...lol). Here's what I have learned. If we are not serious enough to commit to marriage it is not serious enough (for ME) to warrant my move to a new place, all the struggles and hurdles it would cause me in my circumstances, if it's just to be closer to a boyfriend.

 

I guess it may be a moot point after his ultimatum, but after 2 years were you guys not feeling ready to move things into marriage?

 

That's enough questions for now I suppose.

[Strwbry]

That sucks. Why did he draw the line with January when you were planning to make a game plan in December? Has the distance been a tug of war issue between you before now?

 

I've talked about moving for a guy before, even planned on it (hence, my screen name NJtoDC...I'm still in NJ...lol). Here's what I have learned. If we are not serious enough to commit to marriage it is not serious enough (for ME) to warrant my move to a new place, all the struggles and hurdles it would cause me in my circumstances, if it's just to be closer to a boyfriend.

 

I guess it may be a moot point after his ultimatum, but after 2 years were you guys not feeling ready to move things into marriage?

 

That's enough questions for now I suppose.

 

He just doesn't want an LDR anymore. I get it neither do i. But I thought an LDR with me was better than a causal local relationship with someone else just because he didn't want a LDR. I was going to come.

[NJtoDC]

He just doesn't want an LDR anymore. I get it neither do i. But I thought an LDR with me was better than a causal local relationship with someone else just because he didn't want a LDR. I was going to come.

 

Without knowing what's happened between you two up til now it's hard to know what to say. So I'll tell you about my situation.

 

My BF maintains that he wants to marry me and move me to be with him. He has some things he is paying off before he feels prepared to do this, which he should be done with in the next couple months.

 

I want to marry and be with my BF but if he drags his feet, doesn't get the finances in order that he says are the thing keeping us long distance, and doesn't show initiative and forward motion? Eventually I will move on, which he is well aware of. Actions mean more to me than words. If I find him lacking motivation toward his declared goals, his words are just talk.

 

I don't know how much my situation relates to yours. I wanted to try to explain how someone could love a person but still walk away. In my case BF and I both had the dating goal of finding a spouse, and didn't want to live with them before marriage. So for us, to not progress the relationship in a timely manner, falls short of our intentions we set out with. I don't want a perpetual LDR or long term dating relationship, and BF says the same.

 

Would it suck to let him go? Sure. But I'd rather move on and find someone who I can have a local relationship with and eventually marriage than be strung along. Not saying that is you- but if my BF didn't prioritize our future like he says he does? I would move on.

 

Would you have been content moving to this new place, using up your savings, leaving your family, and finding a new job without a bigger level of commitment from your BF of two years? What sacrifice was he offering in your relocation talks? Sounds like an awful lot of sacrifice expected on you with nothing being offered back.

Edited November 18, 2013 by NJtoDC

[nomadic_butterfly]

22f. 26m. We were together for 2 years, all long distance. He's in a place where he has family, grad school, and a great job. I have family, a crap job and savings. It was our mutual decision for me to move out to his city in my own apartment. He planed to come early Dec so we can talk and get into specifics on financials, what we expect, how much he's helping me with. I would have to use all my savings. He made that clear.

 

Tonight, we were talking and he said how happy he was that I made the right decision. I asked what he meant. I didn't get that. It was our decision and one that was best for the relationship. He then told me that if I wasn't going to be here by Jan, he wanted to move on and start dating girls locally. I was shocked. Look, LDRs suck and I hate them too. I know they aren't for everyone. But how could I uproot my life for someone who was just going to do that anyway??

 

If this was reversed, I'd help him in any way. I'd let him live with me until he was on his feet or until he wanted to move in permanently. If he couldn't afford it, I'd create a plan and wait until he could. Not give him a deadline and if he fails, go meet John down at the bar! You're moving your life for someone!

 

Am I overreacting? I didn't know what else to even do or say. I told him I couldn't move for someone who was just going to give me an ultimatum and replace me.

 

NJtoDC has some very valid and practical points. LDR makes absolutely no sense for people who are not marriage or long term partnership minded people. There is no point in that much sacrifice otherwise.

 

I think he can still "love you" and want to move on if he is a super practical person like me. But what I find weird is to break up a month before you were suppose to move and you were going to close the distance. That seems very odd as if he were already exploring local options. Usually when a guy becomes indifferent like that is because they have moved on to greener pastures or are confident in their backup plan. Or did you not have a set date yet? I think he was being realistic if you didn't have a set date to move. You need a deadline to have some peace of mind. People also take things a lot more seriously and are more likely to put effort into something with an end date.

 

I am not sure it would have been wise to use ALL your savings for a mere bf. Why would he "demand" you use ALL of it? I sure as hell wouldn't do it. It was also going to be an expensive decision that I think even if it were temporary (you living with him) he should have allowed you to. If marriage wasn't on the table, it would have to be a city where my field was booming or where I'd always wanted to live anyway for me to put that much into it. If you gave up all then to be dumped soon and you have nothing else to excite, enthuse, or motivate you within the city, that would be hell.

 

To be honest, it doesn't sound like he was confident "you were it" because if he was, he wouldn't want to risk losing you and he would help you transition as easy as possible in addition to the deadlines. You were giving up EVERYTHING to be with him for crying out loud.

Edited November 18, 2013 by nomadic_butterfly

[Omei]

I think you did the right thing.

[Strwbry]

Without knowing what's happened between you two up til now it's hard to know what to say. So I'll tell you about my situation.

 

My BF maintains that he wants to marry me and move me to be with him. He has some things he is paying off before he feels prepared to do this, which he should be done with in the next couple months.

 

I want to marry and be with my BF but if he drags his feet, doesn't get the finances in order that he says are the thing keeping us long distance, and doesn't show initiative and forward motion? Eventually I will move on, which he is well aware of. Actions mean more to me than words. If I find him lacking motivation toward his declared goals, his words are just talk.

 

I don't know how much my situation relates to yours. I wanted to try to explain how someone could love a person but still walk away. In my case BF and I both had the dating goal of finding a spouse, and didn't want to live with them before marriage. So for us, to not progress the relationship in a timely manner, falls short of our intentions we set out with. I don't want a perpetual LDR or long term dating relationship, and BF says the same.

 

Would it suck to let him go? Sure. But I'd rather move on and find someone who I can have a local relationship with and eventually marriage than be strung along. Not saying that is you- but if my BF didn't prioritize our future like he says he does? I would move on.

 

Would you have been content moving to this new place, using up your savings, leaving your family, and finding a new job without a bigger level of commitment from your BF of two years? What sacrifice was he offering in your relocation talks? Sounds like an awful lot of sacrifice expected on you with nothing being offered back.

 

I tried to explain that to him many times. I am on board for coming. My finances suck, though. If he would let me stay with him, even temporarily, to get me on my feet, this whole process would be faster. The only reason I'm hesitant/taking too long is because he won't help.

[Strwbry]

NJtoDC has some very valid and practical points. LDR makes absolutely no sense for people who are not marriage or long term partnership minded people. There is no point in that much sacrifice otherwise.

 

I think he can still "love you" and want to move on if he is a super practical person like me. But what I find weird is to break up a month before you were suppose to move and you were going to close the distance. That seems very odd as if he were already exploring local options. Usually when a guy becomes indifferent like that is because they have moved on to greener pastures or are confident in their backup plan. Or did you not have a set date yet? I think he was being realistic if you didn't have a set date to move. You need a deadline to have some peace of mind. People also take things a lot more seriously and are more likely to put effort into something with an end date.

 

I am not sure it would have been wise to use ALL your savings for a mere bf. Why would he "demand" you use ALL of it? I sure as hell wouldn't do it. It was also going to be an expensive decision that I think even if it were temporary (you living with him) he should have allowed you to. If marriage wasn't on the table, it would have to be a city where my field was booming or where I'd always wanted to live anyway for me to put that much into it. If you gave up all then to be dumped soon and you have nothing else to excite, enthuse, or motivate you within the city, that would be hell.

 

To be honest, it doesn't sound like he was confident "you were it" because if he was, he wouldn't want to risk losing you and he would help you transition as easy as possible in addition to the deadlines. You were giving up EVERYTHING to be with him for crying out loud.

 

 

Yes. When I told him all I was doing (ie, giving up everything) he said those things shouldn't matter as long as we're together. Which to me is complete BS. It's my life. Of course it matters. And it still will matter. If he were to help me, there would be no need for a deadline because he can plan it out with me. But he's not.

[NJtoDC]

I tried to explain that to him many times. I am on board for coming. My finances suck, though. If he would let me stay with him, even temporarily, to get me on my feet, this whole process would be faster. The only reason I'm hesitant/taking too long is because he won't help.

 

Have you discussed why he won't help? Also, you've been together two years - is there a plan for your future together? Does he talk marriage?

[soccerrprp]

Strwbry,

 

Sorry. I am not a great proponent of LDR, but find myself in one. Why? B/c I love my gf and we have openly spoken about the near future, not far, not distant, the near future. We have discussed timeline, taken action and that is what keeps me optimistic about my moving to her over 1500 miles away. There's another similar thread talking about this topic of LDR and no progressive commitment and I, personally, cannot be in a LDR if engagement, marriage is not in the picture.

 

As others expressed, I'm not going to move to simply continue dating. As you know, a lot of sacrifice and resources are involved and should not be taken lightly in any way.

 

Your ex didn't seem wholly committed. His ultimatum, lack of support showed this. In the end, I think you made the wiser decision.

[nomadic_butterfly]

Yes. When I told him all I was doing (ie, giving up everything) he said those things shouldn't matter as long as we're together. Which to me is complete BS. It's my life. Of course it matters. And it still will matter. If he were to help me, there would be no need for a deadline because he can plan it out with me. But he's not.

 

To be honest, it sounds like you dodged a bullet! I hope karma blesses you with a better job and an even better man. I personally believe everything happens for a reason. This situation SOOOO reminded me of my relationship with my first love. The first time we got together I was in highschool and I turned down really good colleges just so I could go to a SUPER EXPENSIVE local college and be near him. Well we broke up and by the time I wanted to leave the college it would set me back a 4yrs and the 2yr college (accelerated program + AP credits) would turn into 5. $30k in debt after.

 

Fast forward to 2 yrs later, we get back, I'm finishing college and I'm in fashion and originally from NY though my family moved to FL where I met my ex. My biggest and only life regret is not "shooting for the stars" and the quality of the local school I went made me have to run faster and jump higher (250-300 rejection letters before I got my first job) COUPLED with the recession that peaked right as I graduated. The only thing that saved me was the fact I was smart enough to figure out I should intern as much as I could to stay relevant and that's what got the 1st job. We broke up a day before I was going to go to NY for what was supposed to be 6 months and go back to him despite low job prospects in FL. It was all about him. He was close to his family (as was I) and he didn't like the cold and he didn't want to move to Cali and he didn't like this and he didn't like that.

 

The best thing I could have done was break up with him the day before I moved to NY (though it were for other reasons). Honey, for the past 5 yrs WITHOUT HIM I've been living a dream life. Moved to NY permanently as I had wanted to for years, got awesome experiences, moved to London for grad school, stayed behind an extra year to work and travel my butt off, and now I am in LA in another dream company. Looking back, I realized how much of ME I was willing to sacrifice and how little of HIM he was willing to sacrifice. It is absolutely a 2 way street. Funny thing is he's still in love with me and "suddenly" liked NY, and London and LA but it is too late; that ship has sailed! I am doing what pleases me and the right kind of person will COMPROMISE to make us work and COMPLEMENT my lifestyle, goals, and future ambitions. Never be the only one giving something up!

Edited November 18, 2013 by nomadic_butterfly

[KatieLove]

sorry to hear that. LDR are never easy and this is such a tough decisions.

*hugs to you*

[NJtoDC]

Hey OP. I hope you are doing ok. I saw this post on facebook and thought of you. It's good advice for everyone looking to build a relationship:

https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/q71/1472792_608523179194231_1672425126_n.jpg

[Strwbry]

Hey OP. I hope you are doing ok. I saw this post on facebook and thought of you. It's good advice for everyone looking to build a relationship:

https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/q71/1472792_608523179194231_1672425126_n.jpg

 

That's what I feel like. I can't stop crying over the stuff I would have done for him versus the nothing he would have done for me.

[ThisGal]

I agree with everyone, you made the right decision ending the relationship. He was unwilling to make any sacrifices. He should have been willing to help you financially in this difficult move.

 

I'm in the process of deciding whether or not I will move (if my b/f cannot find a job in my state within 6 months). However, he already knows that I will not move for a man who isn't my husband or without an engagement ring (the least I will accept is him being my fiance before moving. Although our relationship is serious I need to see how committed he is, he'll need to take it to the next level). He has been talking marriage for a few months now; he brought it up so he knows my stance on that.

 

It's not easy uprooting your whole life for someone else. You leave loved ones, family, familiarity behind...the least he can do is try to make the moving process simpler for you and that is to help in as much as possible; financially, emotionally, physically, etc.

 

This man does not mind losing you, so move on. Take care.

Edited November 20, 2013 by ThisGal

[tem7074]

Ultimatums suck and are not something that should be accepted. I got hit with the "you better move by this summer or else I will start dating again". Meanwhile, I am the one with the career, and who would be making all the sacrifices and taking all the risks. Suffice to say that it isn't working out.

[Carenth]

I think you made the right choice. As someone who has personally just made the leap of moving to be with my girlfriend. I can say the least the person on the other end can do is help support you in whatever way they can whilst you are getting yourself established.

 

That doesn't mean just financially by the way for me mostly it has been emotional support from my girlfriend. I don't know anyone here besides her and it's a new country for me. We are living together because we figured if I'm moving across the world to be with her we should give it a serious go and see if we can live together. It would also keep costs down for both of us sharing a place.

 

Not to mention that means we get to spend time together after spending so much time apart. If you are going to move for someone I would imagine you would want it to be pretty serious to uproot your life for them, that is not a small deal. To me it sounded like he wanted you to move to him without giving anything and continue dating caually or something. I certainly wouldn't move to date someone casually I can do that at home. There has to be sacrifices on both sides, it can't just be a one way street. My girlfriend has been great helping me out with getting set up here. The amount of paper work I've had to do over the last week is my god...

 

Though I've started venturing out during the day on my own (she works nights so sleep during the morning) to do my stuff. I don't want to become dependent on her I know she has her own life and such, but she is a sweetheart.

[HeavenOrHell]

If he was ready to throw in the towel by January then you've done the right thing and not overreacted.

 

How much time did you spend together face to face?