mendsley Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 (edited) I'm not sure what my deal has been the last couple of days, but I feel sad/depressed. I thought I would get over her leaving, a lot faster than I am (although it's only been a little over a month.) I'm not sure why I miss her? I'm not sure if it's her I even miss so much, I think it's the attachment I miss. She did make me laugh, she did love me, she was sexual and she had other traits that I loved about her. Yeah, there was the bad as well, but I hate that I can focus more on the positive than the negative right now. Lately it's been the memories; The vacations, BBQ's at friends, coffee every Sunday, how she would kiss me and say "I love you" before work and I how I felt she would never leave me (guess I took that for granted.) I also have been wasting my thoughts, I've been wondering if she is struggling as well, if she second guesses her decision, if maybe we just jumped into breaking-up way too fast, how many guys she's talking with, how I will react when I find out she's seeing someone else, how innocent she is and will get taken advantage by many men and how much I did love her but didn't realize it until it was too late. I have been looking at my stupid ass phone hoping she would email, text, call or what ever... so I can pour my feeling out to her. I know it would make little difference, but in my mind I feel it might help. I hate when I'm driving every ****ing red car is hers, every time I go grocery shopping I might run into her, every knock at my door would be her. I did try the online dating thing for a minute, but not ready yet. I have started talking to an old friend (woman) who I used to date and I feel talking with her about our past and fun times together (she doesn't know I'm dealing with a break-up.) I guess I'm searching every where for something that will ease the pain and time is really the answer. I've been trying to keep busy, gym four times a week, run three miles every other day and hang out with the little friends I have. My counselor said I need to get out there and date again, but for right now I don't have it in me. I'm an emotional wreck! I'm very vulnerable right now and it is not like me AT ALL! I feel weak, I feel like I need t find myself, I hate how everyone tells my she is ****ing crazy for leaving such a great man who will always take care of her, but yet it's this great ****ing guy who has never been a hit with the ladies, alone and getting older. I'm truly a good person, I'm athletic, good looking, respectful, honest, great under pressure, protective, great with kids and much more. But yet, I struggle so much when finding love. I guess this is me pouring my thoughts out to you all, but it is therapeutic for me, so thanks for letting me vent Edited November 18, 2013 by mendsley
Kansas87 Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 I know exactly how you feel. Right now the only thing that makes me feel better is talking to people, but my friends are scattered. They are doing the best they can, but still, the silence and the "alone-ness" are depressing. And that is why I've been tempted to start OLD already, too, even though I just moved out yesterday. It's ridiculous and stupid and I won't do it but I just feel so DESPERATE for someone to talk to, constantly, to not be alone... I also know how it feels to be the kind of wonderful person that really didn't do anything wrong. Yeah, it always takes two and all that, but still...nothing I did or didn't do couldn't have been fixed if he had been willing to work on things with me. I'm attractive, smart, funny, kind, a good cook, a loyal, caring partner...and yet this is the third time I've had a serious boyfriend break up with me. It really makes me doubt and question myself.
Author mendsley Posted November 18, 2013 Author Posted November 18, 2013 One thing I have a problem with is I tend to rely on others to tell me how to cope. In my heart I feel I just need to find myself and be alone with my son for a bit. I'm sorry you are feeling this pain, you sound a lot like me. We tend to focus more on what WE did wrong rather than accept the reality and focus on the her and now. Eventually we'll get it figured out and acceptance will be felt. I guess until then we need to have a game plan on what the course of action is to heal up. For me, no dating until I can feel the grip of pain on my heart has eased up. I also signed up for meetup.com and will attend some meetings in hoped of meeting new friends, not love. I'm still sticking to my workout/gym plan, I've always have done that and it defines who I am. And I will be posing here to help get these thoughts out of my head. What about you?
Kansas87 Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 I have been through this before (the breakup of a serious relationship) but never one this long. I was with him for two years, I moved to be close to him, and so I feel very isolated here. I know how to cope- I mean logically I *know* all the right things to do, it's just that it's so soon, doing those things isn't really helping. I am texting and chatting and talking with friends as much as possible, but I don't want to use that as a crutch. I don't know, it's just hard. It really does help to talk to others. When this all started I actually told a friend I want to start a website that connects the broken-hearted by location, type of relationship, personality, etc. A place to meet people going through similar things, because it really does help just to have someone to talk to at any time, who understands. My game plan: make it through this work week, then go stay with my parents for the weekend. Then do the same thing the next week. My game plan is to try to give 100% at work while I'm there, then to come home and distract myself- TV, reading, writing, talking on here, whatever. Because I have spend the past three weeks riding the emotional roller-coaster and I am just trying to get past that to the point where I"m "ok." Not asking to be totally over it yet, I just want to be "ok." I do want to get back into working out- I haven't gained weight but I definitely lost all my muscle. Yoga might help my mindset immensely. I want to keep working on the novel I started before the breakup. I want to survive the holiday season without crying every day. *sigh* Little steps...
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