lerion_12 Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 Hello, I am a new member and I signed up to post about a problem that I am having recently. The problem is that I find myself, more and more, thinking about a friend of mine who works with me. She and I are both engaged in long term relationships with other people. We have not done anything beyond dancing with each other, as well as going to martial arts training. Both of these are of course physical activities, but we have not had sex or kissed, or anything like that. I do not want for things to progress beyond this point - but I do find myself becoming increasingly attracted to her. Yesterday, while at a group lunch with others, she had her back turned to me and I briefly imagined what it would be like to hold her in my arms. I felt very guilty. Other details are (1) At an after work drinks event, some people decided to go to another bar later on, so I decided to as well, but when she said she wasn't going to, I changed my mind. (2) During a series of presentations at work, I sat next to her and another female friend of ours. She and this other female friend were commenting to each other on how attractive the speaker was. I told them to try to be quiet since I wanted to listen. But, of course, I was a bit jealous. Later on, after the presentations had finished, she said to me 'I don't know if you want to know about this, because of our comments earlier, but the martial arts teacher (the one we both train with) has amazing arms when he wears short-sleeve shirts'. - Who knows what to make of that! (3) When we went dancing once (for Halloween, with others), we were very close together, and I held her hands, for several songs. Anyway, I know that it's gone a bit too far. I want it to stop because I keep feeling like I have betrayed my fiancée, whom I love deeply and who I have every intention of being with. Right now, my fiancée and I are in a long distance relationship (but I will be moving to be with her in March). That is not really the problem, however, since while we have been together for 5 years, she and I have been long distance, on and off, for around 3 of them. Never before have I felt this way. I think my feelings now are partly as a result of me being freaked out about getting engaged (it's a huge step), about planning the move to be with her, and her on going problems with finding work, which is getting her very depressed, understandably, and making me depressed as well since I don't know what to do to help her. I want to know if I should speak with my friend from work and tell her that I have these feelings and that while I would like to remain on friendly terms with her, I don't want to become further involved in anything but a friendly, work-oriented way. I don't know if directly telling her this would be at all helpful, or if it would just be very awkward. Nor do I know if me wanting to speak with her about this is somehow an unconscious desire to know if she feels the same way. What do you think I should do?
almond Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 Do what you would want your fiance to do in this situation. Avoid this woman like the plague until March, and have no contact with her at all outside of the workplace. Distance yourself as much as possible. Do not tell her about your feelings - there is no need. 1
jnel921 Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 (edited) I seriously think you are misconstruing what is going on here. I doubt this woman has feelings for you other than liking you as a coworker. Dancing is not a prelude to hey I want you...however I can see how some guys are dumb enough to beleive when we dance provacatively or hold your hand we want you....trust me, most of the time it's all in good fun. I am sure you are jealous hearing her mention how good other guys look because it is not directed at you. You do not need to tell her about your attraction to her. What would be the point? To make things awkward. Try and sleep with someone else? She has a fiancé and your fiancé is away. Sounds like what you need is to keep those fantasies in your head and if you are sexually frustrated take care of yourself. You will be hurting no one, telling no one and life goes on. Call your fiancé and have phone sex if necessary. You don't want to mess up 3 peoples lives including your own just because you liked the way she shook her a$$ on the dance floor! So much more to marriage and partnership than that. Edited November 18, 2013 by jnel921 1
Realist3 Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 This is a crush, simple as that. I agree with the others there is no need to tell her anything. You are just wanting to determine if the feelings are mutual. 1
painfullyobvious Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 Start channeling that energy romantically towards your fiancé. Write her a couple of letters, send her flowers or some sort of affectionate display that you care for her. You are catching yourself heading down the path of an emotional affair on your end. One of the classic signs is wanting to bump into the person you are attracted to, your feelings of guilt in what you are doing and feelings of jealousy about her being attracted to others. You wanting to bail on drinks when she opts out points out you are trying to gain her attention. IT IS VERY EARLY NOW KNOCK IT OFF AND STOP. Nothing serious has happened yet but it may if you continue. If you continue you better ask yourself why and for goodness sake do not get married. The way I measure myself in situations that have a grey area is what would my wife think if she were standing over my shoulder or watching me. If there is ANY question at all about whether or not she would be upset I do not do it. 2
Author lerion_12 Posted November 18, 2013 Author Posted November 18, 2013 Posting this on here and thinking about this more today made me realize exactly what you all have just said. I think I just needed to get this out somehow so that I could just process this and I think you are completely right. Thanks a lot!
beach Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Posting this on here and thinking about this more today made me realize exactly what you all have just said. I think I just needed to get this out somehow so that I could just process this and I think you are completely right. Thanks a lot! Does that mean you intend to quit going to martial arts with her - and quit any person interactions with her? Or does it mean you will continue to grow the friendship more? Personally, I think you need to find another job.
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