Is it normal for the OW to compare herself to the BS?

[Raena]

Ok, so many of you already know my back story ... in brief... my ex and I split up because he was cheating on me, he left to go live with the girl he was cheating on me with. I've also already addressed the crazy tweets that she has been writing before, but I really thought that would all end now that they are living together.

 

What has been happening the last couple of days is this..

 

He moved in with her on Friday. She left her 2 kids in VA to come up here to be with him.

 

But... she has spent the entire weekend tweeting about me!

 

I'm not kidding. I have friends who are watching what she writes and they shared with me that she has made one tweet after another comparing herself to me. On and on about how she isn't going to be like me and how much better than me she believes herself to be. The fact of the matter is, none of what she stated is actually what life was like in my home. She made references to how dirty and smelly my house is, it isn't. Then she made references to how they are going to the gym together tomorrow because he doesn't want her to get as fat as a house like me... I gained some weight after our son was born, but the truth is, I've already lost almost all of that in the past month. There was a bunch of other stuff too, but it is all along the same lines.

 

Seriously?

 

I mean, I look at it like this... if I were in her shoes and I was finally living with a man that I was so in love with that it didn't bother me one bit to break up his family to have him... I darn sure wouldn't be spending the entire weekend tweeting about his ex. I mean really, why would she do that?

 

Is this normal behavior for the OW to compare herself to the BS? To not only compare herself but to go out of her way to obsess about it? My friends tell me that she has been tweeting about it nonstop, at all hours of the day and night for the past 2 days.

 

I realize it has only been a few days but why in the world would she spend the entire weekend with him... thinking about me?

 

It can't be about revenge, because she got what she wanted... him. I don't know. I don't get it. I've read the threads on the OW/OM forum many times and I have yet to hear about an OW acting in this manner. It's not like she's even getting a response out of it because no one is responding to her and I haven't said anything to him or to her. In fact, I'm very proud of myself that I haven't contacted him at all. I did allow my son to try and call his father and leave messages at bed time like he always does, but he didn't answer of course.

 

I don't get it. I mean, I'm a good person. I'm not perfect, but I'm certainly not this evil person she is making me out to be. Do you suppose he has filled her head with nonsense about how terrible I am just to make her feel better? What's the point in that? Maybe she's doing it to justify to herself why it's ok to do what she did? I don't know, but I do happen to find it quite hilarious that she is spending all this time thinking about me (and a little bit frightening too to be honest)

[dreamingoftigers]

Tell your well-meaning friends that unless there's any actual "news" (like him supposedly suing you or something, or them threatening you) that you don't want to hear the rest of it.

 

She left her kids to move in with D-Bag. She's spending her time tweeting about you and her guy wouldn't even acknowledge she exists.

 

NOTHING IS HEALTHY ABOUT IT.

 

I don't think you are actually hung up on him per se. I think you are rubber-necking at the scene of what will be their unhealthy explosion.

 

Or maybe they'll just be entertaining and unhealthy together.

And they won't be able to have long-term friends etc.

my parents have managed to stay together for 38 toxic years because they need each other. Unhealthily. How do they keep things "passionate?" By blaming every other single solitary person in their lives for their misery.

 

It's pretty easy not to have the stress of responsibilities when you don't take any.

 

But if you don't want a piece of that, I suggest looking elsewhere for entertainment. She sounds like she belongs on reality TV.

[Raena]

I don't think you are actually hung up on him per se. I think you are rubber-necking at the scene of what will be their unhealthy explosion.

 

 

I actually laughed a little at this. I didn't actually go and look at what she wrote, but I can't say that I'm not sitting back waiting for the eventual demise of their relationship either. It's bound to happen and I will laugh about it when it does.

 

She told one of my friends a few months ago that she knows everything about how he has cheated and acted in all of his previous relationships... but that she believes he can change.

 

Yes... and unicorns fart rainbows too! haha!

[Raena]

Or maybe they'll just be entertaining and unhealthy together. And they won't be able to have long-term friends etc.

 

I have considered this as well. There is a very real chance that it won't blow up because she already seems like the type to completely change who she is to please her man. He will like that. I am not like that and it bothered him.

 

Any how... I guess I will never really figure this out. Not truly. I don't really need to per se, but it has always been in my nature to try and figure out why people do what they do. I find it fascinating.

[GypsumSatellite]

I know it wasn't normal for me to compare myself to the BS until MM began subtly comparing the two of us. As in "W did this, that and the other by the time she was this age. You're still doing ____, what's holding you back?" or "W decided to dye her hair, have you ever thought about this color before?" or "W likes to dress like this. I like this other style. Which do you like better?"

 

I don't think many go into an affair actively wanting to compare themselves to anyone but over time curiosity and the talk of the person they are in the affair with begins to wear on them. You start to look to the other side and wonder if things are so dour for them to seek you out, what are they leaving behind? And yes, it's possible your ex has been spouting off a bunch of meanspirited things about you to fill her head with "what not to be like" unless she wants him to leave, too!

 

Insecurity-wise, she knows what he's capable of and that whatever she has may one day be what he leaves to find someone different for, too. Ignore her the best you can and pity her, because that relationship of theirs will implode. She may even be aware of that and is making such a show to shut out the reality.

[Got it]

No I never compared myself to her or felt like there was any sort of competition during the affair or afterwards. She and I both have our good and bad parts and are pretty normal human beings.

 

But, yes, I think some woman feel that it is a competition and may feel that tearing down one party will enhance them.

[eleanorrigby]

I think it's awesome that OW is showing her a$$ all over twitter. Print all that crap out and have it ready when it's time to go to court about visitation.

Hopefully it will be helpful.

[Raena]

I think it's awesome that OW is showing her a$$ all over twitter. Print all that crap out and have it ready when it's time to go to court about visitation.

Hopefully it will be helpful.

 

Yeah, I was doing that, but I got sick of looking. It was actually tearing me down, so now I have friends look instead and just give me a general idea of what she is saying.

 

She apparently has gotten very good at being vague about who she is talking about so I'm not sure any of it will be useful, but some of the stuff I already have might be. I'm not sure how all that works. Personally, I'd rather have some proof of why her kids aren't with her... like she lost custody or that there is a record somewhere of her drug use. Those would really come in handy in explaining why I don't want her around my son. Otherwise what do I say to the judge... I don't want her around my son because she makes fun of me on Twitter? Yeah, I'm sure that would go over very well! lol.

[Eggplant]

It may be illegal what she's doing -- slander, libel, false light, something.

[waterwoman]

If it is bothering you and you are going to attempt to keep things civil with your ex could you simply let him know that her activities are upsetting you and please could he ask her to stop?

 

As to why? I have no idea, none at all. To all intents and purposes she has 'won' although the prize is of dubious value..... what happened to magnanity in victory? Weird.

[Cdngirl5279]

In my situation, no I never compared myself to her - either before, after or during. I didn't view it as a competition, and I still don't. The feeling that some may have, like she has "won" is not something that I share. I wouldn't want to keep someone who lied, betrayed and deceived me every single day for a year. Until the BS had suspicions about my MM and I, we never spoke of her.

[Realist3]

so now I have friends look instead and just give me a general idea of what she is saying.

 

Why do this?

[whichwayisup]

She left her 2 kids in VA to come up here to be with him.

 

This pretty much sums up who she is. Leaving her kids behind to go move in with your husband.

 

Just sit back and live your life, and know that eventually they will fall apart. There's two people who will bring out love, honesty and genuine care in each other eh? (sarcastic remark there..)

[Raena]

If it is bothering you and you are going to attempt to keep things civil with your ex could you simply let him know that her activities are upsetting you and please could he ask her to stop?

 

As to why? I have no idea, none at all. To all intents and purposes she has 'won' although the prize is of dubious value..... what happened to magnanity in victory? Weird.

 

I have asked him several times to ask her to stop. He says he can't control what she does, that he has already asked her several times to stop but that she won't because she gets a kick out of it.

[Raena]

Why do this?

 

Because I need to gather evidence for court. I need to be able to prove to the judge why I do not wish to have her around my child.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Raena,

 

It is awful you are going through this (I despise social media for this very reason). This really speaks to the kind of person she is and you can't tell me that he doesn't see that as well - any person that looks at has to know.

 

I would say she is very, very insecure. I know you feel like you need to have some proof, but short of her doing something that will harm your kids, can anything legal really be done? I don't know - I am just asking.

 

I think the best thing to do is to completely ignore it - she sounds wacky, insecure and just plain immature and she is all is doing it to get a rise of you - period. Leave it alone and let her dig her own grave - she is doing a good job of it from the sounds of it.

[dreamingoftigers]

I have considered this as well. There is a very real chance that it won't blow up because she already seems like the type to completely change who she is to please her man. He will like that. I am not like that and it bothered him.

 

Any how... I guess I will never really figure this out. Not truly. I don't really need to per se, but it has always been in my nature to try and figure out why people do what they do. I find it fascinating.

 

Oh Cripes. That's me too.

 

I even think it's played a role in why I've stayed with my husband. I just wanted to figure out "what the Hell was with him."

 

But I think it's also a coping skill to avoid finding a connection with someone.

[Realist3]

Because I need to gather evidence for court. I need to be able to prove to the judge why I do not wish to have her around my child.

 

 

Nope!

 

You yourself said they were vague references. Secondly, there is no judge that is going to consider hearsay evidence from your friends giving you the 'general idea' of what she supposedly said. Not gonna happen.

 

You aren't gathering any sort of evidence.

[Spark1111]

gather the evidence.

 

My child comes first, period. AND there is no way in hell I'd allow MY CHILD around a woman who is currently, cowardly, trying to publicly gloat by humiliating me, ESPECIALLY after winning the man.

 

Follow her tweets and STORE them. THERE is no right to privacy on twitter. Actively follow her but never respond unless you can bait her.

 

Then, in an email, I would forward all of them to the x AND my attorney, that unless they stopped immediately, HE will have no further contact with his child.

 

have your attorney write HIM a letter that they must cease and desist.

 

WHO CARES if it is enforceable in a court of law. Time to play hardball and fight stupid with stupid.

 

Or, you just may attract public attention as in, media.

 

This could be the ultimate revenge for you. Are they really that stupid? I see the tabloids eating this up....no matter what the ruling is...

[Realist3]

gather the evidence.

 

My child comes first, period. AND there is no way in hell I'd allow MY CHILD around a woman who is currently, cowardly, trying to publicly gloat by humiliating me, ESPECIALLY after winning the man.

 

Follow her tweets and STORE them. THERE is no right to privacy on twitter. Actively follow her but never respond unless you can bait her.

 

Then, in an email, I would forward all of them to the x AND my attorney, that unless they stopped immediately, HE will have no further contact with his child.

 

have your attorney write HIM a letter that they must cease and desist.

 

WHO CARES if it is enforceable in a court of law. Time to play hardball and fight stupid with stupid.

 

Or, you just may attract public attention as in, media.

 

This could be the ultimate revenge for you. Are they really that stupid? I see the tabloids eating this up....no matter what the ruling is...

 

HUH? Tabloids? Comparing yourself to another person or even making disparaging remarks about them in public means nothing. It will have no weight at all. If there is a clear case of libel perhaps but still highly unlikely. This is the pointless exercise the OP is going through.

[Raena]

Nope!

 

You yourself said they were vague references. Secondly, there is no judge that is going to consider hearsay evidence from your friends giving you the 'general idea' of what she supposedly said. Not gonna happen.

 

You aren't gathering any sort of evidence.

 

Screen shots of what she is saying isn't hearsay

[Realist3]

Two people disliking each other is grounds for nothing.

[Spark1111]

Screen shots of what she is saying isn't hearsay

 

Do it Raena. Protect your son! rattle their cages. They can divorce, leave children, wreck lives, move in together...All legal.

 

But they can't PUBLICLY TWEET nonsense about you without ramifications, even if it is only results in some publicly exposed embarrassment for them.

 

I don't know what country you live in, but here in the US we can sue for just about anything. Then you can call the tabloids and see if they'll cover it and I bet they will.

 

WOMAN SUES OW TWEETING DISPARAGING MESSAGES

AFTER MAN LEAVES SON.....

[Spark1111]

Two people disliking each other is grounds for nothing.

 

Unless you tweet it in a public forum or post it on FB.

 

There are no rights to privacy on the Internet. Dislike whomever you want. Just shut up about it on FB and TWitter.

[Raena]

Well, it seems as if this has sparked a bit of a controversy...

 

All I know is that this young female who can't even properly care for her own children need not be around MY child. I don't just let him stay with random people. He has either stayed at my mother's (overnight) or at his babysitter(before and after school for an hour). That's it. I don't leave him in the care of someone I haven't fully checked out and trust. This particular female is not someone I trust.

 

She is clearly deranged, unstable and certainly not a good role model for my child. Therefore, I believe I have to do whatever I can to protect him. If that means paying tons of money to get a lawyer and make darn sure she isn't allowed to be around him, then that's exactly what I will do.

 

As for her tweets... a vast majority of the ones that I already have are directed AT me... meaning she used @raena to contact me and make disparaging comments. She has only recently gotten smart and stopped making comments at me and uses only general terms. I'm guessing I'm probably not going to get any further evidence that is useful. Anyone else looking at what she is writing wouldn't know that she is in fact writing about a man she had an illicit affair with for over a year or that the comments she is making are really directed at me, just not using my name. I've become "she" and he has become "my sexy". They would think she was just writing about a normal relationship. HOWEVER, these comments in conjunction with the massive amounts of tweets she made earlier make is pretty clear who in fact she is talking about.

 

I don't know if it all will matter in the end. I do know that I will go to whatever length is takes to keep this psycho away from my child. Plenty of people do exactly that... make the child custody agreement clearly state who can and cannot be around the child.

 

However... having said all of that... the point of this post was to analyze why in the world she would feel the need to compare herself to me in such an obsessive manner. I get the feeling... since she has been doing this for many months... that this isn't going to end anytime soon. She may very well spend a great deal of time feeling jealous of his relationship with me. He has already told me that he does in fact still have feelings for me and I'm pretty sure she knows that. He also said that he has never said an unkind word about me to her, but that he told her over and over again that he didn't want to hurt me and that he felt a great deal of guilt over being with her. It didn't stop him of course, so none of that really matters to me... but I'm sure it matters to her.