Absinthe Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 I have an on-off again ex. I have known him for seven years. I'm really into him (of course), but he messes me around. The thing is, his behaviour is truly bamboozling. He acts, simultaneously, as if I'm the great love of his life whilst also acting like he's not that into me. We've had three stints of dating. The first, he ended it because I was an insecure 18-year-old and I pretty much suffocated it. I went on to date another guy for a while, during which I mellowed out. My ex and I maintained contact, and he asked me out again. Unbeknownst to me at the time, he had been dating a close female friend of his and he left her for me, apparently telling her that he was "in love" with me. We dated for a year, and during that time, although it was good fun, the relationship never progressed. He never once uttered the words "I love you", would frequently blow me off at the last minute, and we never hit any of the usual relationship landmarks - he never wanted to go on holiday or even day trips, we just went to the pub / cinema / dinner and then back to his or mine. I stayed because I had well and truly fallen for him, but in the end, I felt it was one-sided. He was never around to talk about feelings (when sober) and I didn't know where I stood. He would frequently go out, get drunk and phone me constantly into the wee small hours. Ultimately, I cut my losses and ended it, and his response was one of total calmness. I was completely devastated, and ended up on medication - the first time a break-up had ever floored me so much. I initiated NC, but he would find some channel of contacting me and the timing would be so perfect that it would undo any work I had done to move on. I was unable to stop thinking about him. I bumped into his mum and she said he was also devastated - but if he was, it wasn't evident to me. I wondered if he was a master of burying his true feelings. Eventually, a year later, I picked myself up, applied for a Masters degree in another city, and was accepted. He got in touch and I told him about my plans. We agreed to meet up for drinks. Then (with Dutch courage) he admitted that he was completely in love with me, that he hadn't been able to think about anyone else (though he'd been dating other girls) and that he didn't want anyone else. We started dating again, and it was great. But then he decided he couldn't do "long distance", even though I was moving to a city 45 mins down the road. Fed up and back to square one, I initiated NC again. He got back in touch 3 months later and begged me not to block him. Since then he has maintained his love for me, even proposing marriage, has never been in another serious stable relationship (and is currently single) and given the proven impossibility of NC, we've kept in touch. Now after seven years, living in three countries, one serious stable relationship and two sessions of counselling, I have pretty much accepted that I will always have feelings for him and it seems he is the same, but I'm just baffled as to what the deal is with his behaviour. Does anyone else here have an on-off partner like this? Is he toying with me until he finds something better, or does he genuinely love me but is too emotionally immature to deal with it?
ByMyself01 Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 What you just described, sounds like what my ex does to his child's mother. He has known his child's mother for 7 years and I dated him for a year and a half. He recently left me to go back to her which really hurts. But according to her when him and I were together, he had left her before meeting me and left her 3 times before then to meet other women. I was devastated when he left me for her. What it sounds like to me is that he may miss you when you are away, but when he is with you, he fails to value the relationship. In other words, ungrateful. My ex did the same thing to his child's mother and what hurts me the most, when he was here with me, he did value our relationship and never done the things he did to her that she told me he does. The only thing that was unacceptable was him asking to be back with her after 2 days of being home with me. I really believe some people have mixed feelings. Meaning, they care for someone and they think it means they love them. Just like a friendship that turns into a relationship that never can work out.
SerCay Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 Yes, in a different way I have been in the same kind of on-off relationship for 3 years now. 2 words: commitment. phobia. They love us, they do. But they will always and always come up with excuses to back away for a while and then return once they start to miss us. And I know some people would like to tell me that girls always think it's commitment phobia when guys ''are just not that into them''. Trust me, when you TRULY KNOW and SEE from his behaviours that he loves you, and then he feels overwhelmed and finds excuses to back away, it's becau'se he's scared to commit. Like your ex, my boyfriend also never has been in a serious relationship before me, and always remained single during break up times. Good Luck to you OP, I am at the moment struggling to get out. There's no future with someone who has this phobia, but is unwilling to even acknowledge it. No matter how deep the love goes.
salparadise Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 There's no future with someone who has this phobia, but is unwilling to even acknowledge it. No matter how deep the love goes. Yes, commitment phobe, emotionally unavailable, fear of engulfment/abandonment, or just the inability to do a sustained, stable relationship... they need the connection and attachment but cannot tolerate being vulnerable. They sabotage to try and perpetually exist in that narrow little space between the connection and commitment. I was married do a woman who had these issues and never really got past them. My advice is, if you're able to be all in and want a stable relationship where affection flows freely and dedication is unwavering... you have to find someone who is already capable. Don't expect that you can change some or bring them to the realization by way of your own commitment. It only changes if they realize it, want it, and are willing to do the hard work in therapy. And even then it's just a possibility. Ladies, don't forget to do some introspection as well. Have you truly looked at your own part of the equation? Not saying you're at fault, just that there is more to it than him being the stereotypical, emotionally unavailable man. After all, he wouldn't be looking like a boomerang if you weren't doing some throwing and catching, right? 1
Author Absinthe Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 Thanks for the replies guys It's definitely more than "he's just not that into you" when the same behaviour drags on for almost a decade, and not even living on separate continents stops you from maintaining contact (wahey, modern technology). But it does a number on your mind, that's for sure. Ladies, don't forget to do some introspection as well. Have you truly looked at your own part of the equation? Not saying you're at fault, just that there is more to it than him being the stereotypical, emotionally unavailable man. After all, he wouldn't be looking like a boomerang if you weren't doing some throwing and catching, right? Oh yes, there's many a time I should have walked away or made myself less available, and weirdly he says I am the "difficult" one (he does a lot of projecting, however). I have been in a relationship with a nice man who showed apparently unwavering commitment, and it was a breath of fresh air, but he dropped me like a hot potato when he suddenly realised I wasn't The One. So now I'm a bit...untrusting.
Author Absinthe Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 What you just described, sounds like what my ex does to his child's mother. He has known his child's mother for 7 years and I dated him for a year and a half. He recently left me to go back to her which really hurts. But according to her when him and I were together, he had left her before meeting me and left her 3 times before then to meet other women. I was devastated when he left me for her. What it sounds like to me is that he may miss you when you are away, but when he is with you, he fails to value the relationship. In other words, ungrateful. My ex did the same thing to his child's mother and what hurts me the most, when he was here with me, he did value our relationship and never done the things he did to her that she told me he does. The only thing that was unacceptable was him asking to be back with her after 2 days of being home with me. I really believe some people have mixed feelings. Meaning, they care for someone and they think it means they love them. Just like a friendship that turns into a relationship that never can work out. The close female friend my ex dated got to go on holiday with him, went to proper gigs with him (I only got to watch his band), and went to music festivals with him etc. So he leaves her for me, telling her he loves me and not her, and then proceeds to do NONE OF THOSE THINGS with me. No wonder she cut him off very suddenly after what I'd presumed to be three years of a solid friendship - which was the only way I found out they'd been together. I actually wondered if he'd done the same pining, on-off thing with her as he'd done with me (he's secretive). She's now in a stable relationship and has been for some years. But now I think about it, if he's a true commitment-phobe, he probably was only able to do normal things with her because he didn't give a damn about her emotionally. In summary - it's messed up. Luckily I'm moving a good 7,000 miles away next month for a new job!
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