2fargone Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 Altough I'm determined to follow my path, from time to time I'll allow myself to think about a few things... A friend of mine has a situation with his wife, where he just took the stand of 'this is what I will do to save the marriage, you can do with it what you want and if it doesn't work out thats the end of it'. I noticed and have noticed before the similarities. Between his wife and my ex, and many exes here.... What I thought about mostly is the reasons given by the dumper. I think it's mostly what exes think or want to think is a reason, and when we dumpees 'bite' they have their confirmation. I've always been one that doesn't take much personal. I slipped when I was in emotional turmoil but I'm back at that point again. Apparently it's always the same thing : You've done this, you should've done that, blabla.... We acknowledge, they have confirmation. While actually, no matter if they are wrong or right even a tiny bit, it's still something the dumpers should process. Having the confirmation kinda voids the need to process I think. And whatever action you take towards them after also does that. You are processing and sharing, they don't need to take action because you are still doing that... Feel free to give an opinion
Simplysimon Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Altough I'm determined to follow my path, from time to time I'll allow myself to think about a few things... A friend of mine has a situation with his wife, where he just took the stand of 'this is what I will do to save the marriage, you can do with it what you want and if it doesn't work out thats the end of it'. I noticed and have noticed before the similarities. Between his wife and my ex, and many exes here.... What I thought about mostly is the reasons given by the dumper. I think it's mostly what exes think or want to think is a reason, and when we dumpees 'bite' they have their confirmation. I've always been one that doesn't take much personal. I slipped when I was in emotional turmoil but I'm back at that point again. Apparently it's always the same thing : You've done this, you should've done that, blabla.... We acknowledge, they have confirmation. While actually, no matter if they are wrong or right even a tiny bit, it's still something the dumpers should process. Having the confirmation kinda voids the need to process I think. And whatever action you take towards them after also does that. You are processing and sharing, they don't need to take action because you are still doing that... Feel free to give an opinion Confused.com
ColinO Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 I kinda follow, I've allowed myself into that position too. In our first separation I agreed to everything I should fix, or improve, (my confirmation of her beliefs) but she acknowledged nothing to improve herself the following 3 months (she got her confirmation that it's all my fault, not hers). Then she decided I hadn't done enough, and ended it again. (She had her confirmation, and got her "void" to have to try and fix her half) Funny, how I bust my ass to improve, but really it just feels like she didn't have the guts to just say "nothing you do will fix us, to me" or "I'm not actually gonna try, just curious if you would". She refused to fix her half, maybe I wouldn't have wasted my time fixing myself to her perceptions. I would have just worked on me for me, and moving on sooner. It's tough because as a more relaxed or mellow/roll with the punches type, I thought it was worth the effort to try, win or lose. Now I feel like I never actually was given an honest chance for us to fix our marriage. It was all just an ego appeasement for her.
RespectfullyAlone Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 I'm perplexed to even angry when I see so many posts on here saying that the dumpees, often innocent and blindsided by their being dumped, are the ones who should go work on themselves, get counseling, work out, improve X Y and Z, get a better job, work on their looks etc. Why? Honestly why is the focus to fix things, or want to be back with their ex in the dumpees hands, as in I need to do all of this so that my ex, the one who dumped me, will see that I have changed. What about their changes? In the end it really doesn't matter what we do. Our exes are gone. They haven't done a single thing to improve themselves, let alone even apologize, what to speak of it being genuine and heartfelt. And I know peoples replies will be, all that work is for you not your ex. But time and time again, I see it in posts where the person who didn't do anything wrong is encouraged to work on themselves. It doesn't make much sense to me unless the sole reason of this is to help the dumpee move on and get over the breakup. But that's not he case in most of the posts and replies I see here. 2fargone, I do understand what you are saying. And if I may add to this, from my experience dumpers are often never straight forward or honest. Thus they put out various "reasons" why they left you. And if you bite at any of them, it's good enough for them, they see you took the bait and then hammer away on that point. I challenged my ex and stated none of the reasons she gave me were reasons why a couple would break up. If anything, they were minor and if love did exist, an opportunity to deal with them and grow as a couple. That is then we she revealed she was in love with someone else. Had I not challenged her, she would never have told me that and would have stuck with her BS "reasons". Thanks for posting this 2fargone as I think it's a very important step during the breakup and not enough people realize it when it's happening.
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