alicia2601 Posted December 25, 2004 Posted December 25, 2004 My b/f and i recently got back together, which im incredibly grateful for b/c I thought we were over for good. We were split up for 2 mts. During that time, both him and I had sex w/ other ppl. I'm finding myself constantly thinking about it. I don't let him know this b/c I dont wanna cause problems. The girl he slept with he wasn't even dating. He had sex w/ her 3 times, and each time he was drunk and just horny...basically using one another. He admits he was wrong and he regrets it, especially since he doesn't know about her sexual past. He said he used a condom, b/c of course i wanted to know so that i wouldn't have anything. I'm worried that this girl will give him a hard time at work b/c they work together at Best Buy. So, I dont know...basically, how can I forget about what happened b/w them 2 so I can move on from it?
Thinkalot Posted December 26, 2004 Posted December 26, 2004 It's hard when things like that happen. If you are worried about health things, I'd ask him to get tested, because condoms aren't always 100% safe anyway. As for the emotional stuff...if you really want to be with him and make a go of it, you need to accept what has happened, forgive anything you feel you need to forgive and put 100% trust into the relationship. While you were apart you were apart. He did what he did at the time, rightly or wrongly. It is done. Maybe he was stressed too. In any event, it doesn't matter. You also were with someone else. That time is gone now...focus on the future, and see that as a time of freedom where he acted in a way which perhaps made him feel better at the time. You did things which were right for you too. We are all just human. The thing is, I have trouble with letting things go myself, so while I can advise you, I know it's hard. I wish you luck. Try and look forward now, and dont waste time looking backwards. It's not healthy. Believe me. Focus on how he acts NOW with you, where he has chosen to be.
Author alicia2601 Posted December 26, 2004 Author Posted December 26, 2004 see, it's not necessarily him that i'm worried about....its her. I don't know her, what she's capable of, anything. If she didnt work w/ him, it might be a little easier to forget about this. *he just went to work too btw * And anytime him and I have sex, i'm wondering if he did these certain things w/ her or if he's thinkin bout her. This is seriously driving me crazy!! I know the only answer is to just learn to put it behind ya, but how??? He's made it very clear that he wants to be w/ me, and that having sex w/ her was a mistake...but i can't seem to put it behind me and not think about it...especially when i have sex w/ him. I look at him afterwards or during, and if he's not smiling or whatever, i assume he's thinkin bout her. I'll ask him whats wrong and he always says "nothin" and smiles at me. ugh I dont know. Someone please help! Thinkalot, thanks for your advice.
Thinkalot Posted December 27, 2004 Posted December 27, 2004 I do understand how hard that can be. I've been pretty hung up on my fiances past...mine's another story though, and I suffer obsessive thinking. But we can all get stuck on things from time to time. Where thoughts like that intrude, and we cant get past them. Try actively stopping them...by saying in your mind, "stop-he's with me, and happy'. Or else you could try reminding yourself that YOU arent thinking of the other man you slept with...you are thinking of him. Men tend to live more in the moment that women anyway, so I'd say he's enjoying you and your body and that's it. Remind yourself that if you keep worrying about this, you will sabotage the relationship, and that you dont want to do that. When the thoughts come in, replace them with positive thoughts about what you are both doing, and feeling. Ask him for some reassurance if you havent already. Say you need some. That's OK. Hopefully he'll support you and that will help you feel more secure. But there comes a point, where you cant keep asking for reassurance, where you need to believe it yourself. If he's already given you reassurance, then keep reminding yourself he's happy. Focus on the moment. I'd say you're the only one thinking about her! As for the work thing, that must be hard. But if he's with you now, and happy, and you trust him, then it should be fine. If you don't trust her, ask him to spend as little time as possible with her. That seems a reasonable enough request to me.
Author alicia2601 Posted December 27, 2004 Author Posted December 27, 2004 Yeah this girl called him when we first got back together and she hadnt told him yet just b/c us gettin back together was all new and stuff....not b/c he didnt want her to know. Anyways, after he got off the phone w/ her and i found out who it was who called, i called her back and nicely asked that she wouldn't call him anymore. I told her she could still talk to him at work and all, but the phone calls would be a little too weird. So she called him back after i talked to her, and accused my b/f of him tellin me to call her...which wasn't the case at all. He didnt even want me to call her b/c he wanted to tell her himself. But I was angry b/c she had even called at all. He's told me quite a few times already that he's so glad we're back together. If he wanted a relationship w/ this girl or at least just continue to have sex w/ her like he was, he wouldn't have gotten back w/ me, wouldnt you say? And your right Thinkalot, it will sabatoge the relationship if i continue w/ this thinking....b/c it becomes obvious when im thinkin about it b/c he'll ask whats wrong and i'll just say nothin and smile at him.
Thinkalot Posted December 27, 2004 Posted December 27, 2004 Originally posted by alicia2601 If he wanted a relationship w/ this girl or at least just continue to have sex w/ her like he was, he wouldn't have gotten back w/ me, wouldnt you say? Yes, that's the point. He's with you now, and he doesnt want to think about the other girl. And if you do, you'll cause tension. I know, because I've been there. It's ok to admit you feel a bit anxious sometimes, and ask for a bit of reassurance, but like I said, beyond that, you need to feel secure yourself, and trust, and not dwell or obsess on events which have gone, even if that means replacing those thoughts with more positive ones, and reminding yourself of the consequences.
alphamale Posted December 27, 2004 Posted December 27, 2004 Originally posted by alicia2601 We were split up for 2 mts. During that time, both him and I had sex w/ other ppl. I'm finding myself constantly thinking about it. you both slept with others so you are even. i am sure he is thinking about what you did also.
Author alicia2601 Posted December 27, 2004 Author Posted December 27, 2004 Thinkalot, did i read correctly in another thread that you and your b/f have been together for 3.5 yrs? That's how long KJ and I were together before our 2 month split. alphamale, I was wondering the same thing....if he thought about what me and the other guy did. But I figured he didnt think about it b/c guys and gals are different in that perspective....but maybe not. I've just always known of males/females having such different perspectives on relationships and ways of thinking.
Thinkalot Posted December 27, 2004 Posted December 27, 2004 Yep, close to 3.5 years for us now. And if you've read many of my threads, you'll know I know all about getting stuck on things! lol. I suffer OCD, and much of it has been directed at my fiance's past, and his ex-wife. Not good. And, I do think he would have thought about you and the guy you were with. Guys get jealous, guys like to be the best, guys get insecure about how big another guy's penis is. That kind of thing. He probably wouldn't want to let that on to you thought I guess.
Author alicia2601 Posted January 3, 2005 Author Posted January 3, 2005 We went to a pizza party thing last night that his work held for them. And guess who was there, right across the table from us sits the girl he had sex with, and the girl he dated for a short period of time. He works w/ them both, just in different departments. The girl he had sex with was ugly! and i'm not just sayin that just because.....she really was. I was like, what the hell were you thinkin??? And he had sex with her THREE times! So he knew the first time around that it was wrong, but he went back for seconds?? He said he had been drinkin, but still. ugh The girl he dated was really pretty tho. It was just a real uncomfortable situation for me and he said he didn't even know they were gonna be there, which he didn't. I somehow feel like he just got back w/ me b/c it didn't work out w/ any other girl.
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