Never Ending Cycle of Broken NC

[Simon Phoenix]

Or maybe she isn't doing it because she is stubborn. I dated her for 3 years. She is stubborn.

 

She is also hurting badly apparently... and respecting me as a person. She's been wanting to reach out to me but I told her to not contact me after the break up. I told her that I would contact her when I was ready.

 

I mean idk guys.

 

Im starting to look like "that guy" on these fourms who isn't taking others advice.

 

But maybe... the truth might just be as simple as she's stubborn/scared to contact me. ?

 

Yep, you are that guy. If she's more concerned about being stubborn and not admitting that she was wrong than she is interested in being with you, is her desire to be with you and correct her mistake really that strong? I'd say no. Don't you want someone who is willing to go out on a limb to be with you? Don't you value yourself enough to demand that?

 

She is the one who caused all of this by breaking up with you. It's up to her to do the vast majority of the legwork to fix it if she so desires. And tell your brother to stop talking to her. Don't you realize how stupid that is? Doesn't he? What is he thinking?

[mtnbiker3000]

.

what happens if that may be my last chance... and she gives up because she think I gave up?

 

Really? You want a girl who is capable of this??

[Froelich87]

Maybe it will be the closure that I need to move on at the very least.

 

What's crazy though... she may not even get in contact at all... and these posts were just a waste.

 

Lol, ehhh. See what love does to people?! Drives them literally insane.

[Simon Phoenix]

Dammit dude. This sucks so bad.

 

I was doing okay, too.

 

Now I won't be able to get any sleep tonight. I feel like Im back at square 1.

 

So, don't answer. Don't listen to what she has to say.

what happens if that may be my last chance... and she gives up because she think I gave up?

 

Stop thinking like a weak-willed wuss. SHE GAVE UP ON YOU WHEN SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU! If one unanswered call/text is enough to get her to quit, her desire to get back with you isn't sincere. If she really wants to get back with you, she'll go above and beyond the call of duty no matter what your response is. So it's time for you to man up, so to speak.

[Simon Phoenix]

Maybe it will be the closure that I need to move on at the very least.

 

What's crazy though... she may not even get in contact at all... and these posts were just a waste.

 

Lol, ehhh. See what love does to people?! Drives them literally insane.

 

Closure comes from within. Don't rely on another person for closure.

[mtnbiker3000]

What's crazy though... she may not even get in contact at all... and these posts were just a waste.

 

Wrong. These are the right actions by you. You are taking steps in the direction of healing and recovery. Without her!!

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Dammit dude. This sucks so bad.

 

I was doing okay, too.

 

Now I won't be able to get any sleep tonight. I feel like Im back at square 1.

 

So, don't answer. Don't listen to what she has to say.

what happens if that may be my last chance... and she gives up because she think I gave up?

 

Breakups suck so much a**. Easliy the worst thing I've ever been though in 27 years of living. Thats why sites like this exist. It does get so much better, its just hard to see through the haze. Its been a year and some change since mine and I'm finally starting to see things in different lights. One MUCH clearer than the situation you are in.

 

I've learned a very key aspect of all of this: If they REALLY want you back, there will be NO doubt about it. There wont be some hidden message....some hidden key....some message in a fortune cookie. Any luke warm attempt will be just that. A half a**ed attempt at reconciliation will result in a half a**ed new relationship. At this point, you probably dont really care WHAT kind of relationship you have just as long as you can be with her again....understandable, but for a lasting relationship, you need a full commitment from both parties.

 

I ALSO know you are only going to take our advise SO far until your heart takes over. I listened to people 100 percent on here and was like okay cool you are right....THEN did the exact opposite haha. There are SO many threads on here of people who are starting threads upset about doing things many of us told them NOT to do . If you do talk to her, keep VERY calm, take LARGE grain of salts of what she is saying, and go from there. We cant really stop you from doing what you are going to do...just warn you.

 

Keep moving man.....it does get easier.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Stop thinking like a weak-willed wuss. SHE GAVE UP ON YOU WHEN SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU! If one unanswered call/text is enough to get her to quit, her desire to get back with you isn't sincere. If she really wants to get back with you, she'll go above and beyond the call of duty no matter what your response is. So it's time for you to man up, so to speak.

 

STOP STEALING MY THUNDER WHILE IM TRYING TO TYPE MY LARGE PARAGRAPHS!!!!!!!! GAH SIMON!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

He speaks truth here though. But still.....screw Simon haha

[Froelich87]

Wrong. These are the right actions by you. You are taking steps in the direction of healing and recovery. Without her!!

 

Oh, I know im doing right by nc.

I just meant the majority of this thread that I started.

 

I do have a question on nc.

Say you've been complete nc for 6 plus months.

Then you stumble upon your ex. How will your heart not be in your stomach and feel like youve started all over again? We are acting like this person is dead.. and then we find out the hard way that theyre not.

 

 

I feel like nc could inevitably cause you to not heal completely. It should come to a point where you accept it and want nothing but happiness for your ex... even if it didnt work out.

 

We talk **** about our exes constantly but dont realize that we need to accept our part. Our unhealthiness and our flaws. It wasnt just them. We ****ed up just as much

[mtnbiker3000]

Then you stumble upon your ex. How will your heart not be in your stomach and feel like youve started all over again? We are acting like this person is dead.. and then we find out the hard way that theyre not.

 

No one said it was easy. But it IS necessary!!

[mtnbiker3000]

We talk **** about our exes constantly but dont realize that we need to accept our part. Our unhealthiness and our flaws. It wasnt just them. We ****ed up just as much

 

Yes. This is part of the process. But this happens along side of NC. It all works together. NC will help you get here sooner rather than latter, as your mind and heart will be clearer...

[Simon Phoenix]

Oh, I know im doing right by nc.

I just meant the majority of this thread that I started.

 

I do have a question on nc.

Say you've been complete nc for 6 plus months.

Then you stumble upon your ex. How will your heart not be in your stomach and feel like youve started all over again? We are acting like this person is dead.. and then we find out the hard way that theyre not.

 

 

I feel like nc could inevitably cause you to not heal completely. It should come to a point where you accept it and want nothing but happiness for your ex... even if it didnt work out.

 

We talk **** about our exes constantly but dont realize that we need to accept our part. Our unhealthiness and our flaws. It wasnt just them. We ****ed up just as much

 

Dude, you really need to stop the pity party. That last paragraph is crap. As for your original question, you can't just use the six-plus months of NC moping around and hoping they'll come back to you. You have to be active. You have to hang out with old friends, make new friends, work out, find a new hobby, find an activity, fill your life. If you do that, you honestly will get to the point where you are healed and indifferent. But you have to be active. If you sit there like a wounded puppy during NC, that's what you'll remain.

[mtnbiker3000]

That last paragraph is crap.

 

I dunno. A big part of my process has been understanding my part in the situation. I mean, it didn't just happen completely free and clear from my own hand. I think understanding ones own role in the RS and BU is key to growing and preparing for the next RS...

[Froelich87]

The last paragraph isn't crap. At all. The last paragraph speaks the truth. Are you trying to tell me it was 100% your ex and you did no wrong in your relationship?

 

I understand that and I've been trying but it's extremely hard.

 

I agree that to an extent we should do those things... exercise, friends, go out etc.

But that's only cross adiction and somewhat unhealthy. Replacing our void with something else.

 

We're technically doing what rebounders are doing in a sense.

 

No you shouldn't sit there and mope. But you should face everything head on and truly focus on yourself, where we went wrong, what our problems are (jealousy, insecurities, anger etc) and change that.

 

Friends are great. Exercise is great. Going out is great. When done excessively in this situation and not focusing on ourselves from inside, then that is just cross addiction.

 

 

Idk, sorry if im sounding like a prick. I have different views on this. Iv had lots of time to think of new coping mechanisms.

[Simon Phoenix]

I dunno. A big part of my process has been understanding my part in the situation. I mean, it didn't just happen completely free and clear from my own hand. I think understanding ones own role in the RS and BU is key to growing and preparing for the next RS...

 

I don't agree, because the dumpee puts everything on themselves during the early part of the breakup. That part is present already -- focusing on it is a big part of the problem. Everyone screws up and made mistakes, but it was the dumper who ran for the hills. If anything, you should be figuring out what was wrong with them, not focusing on what was wrong with you. You already did that to excess at the time of the break and in the immediate aftermath.

[mtnbiker3000]

If anything, you should be figuring out what was wrong with them, not focusing on what was wrong with you.

 

I respectfully disagree. This will help nothing. Granted that bashing oneself is counterproductive... IMH, taking responsibility and looking hard in the mirror will help more than labeling and bashing an ex...

[Simon Phoenix]

I respectfully disagree. This will help nothing. Granted that bashing oneself is counterproductive... IMH, taking responsibility and looking hard in the mirror will help more than labeling and bashing an ex...

 

Meh, you already know what you did wrong, harboring and dwelling on it just doesn't help. That element is already there -- it takes two for a relationship to end. Most dumpees focus on themselves and keep their exes on pedestals.

[mtnbiker3000]

Meh, you already know what you did wrong, harboring and dwelling on it just doesn't help. That element is already there -- it takes two for a relationship to end. Most dumpees focus on themselves and keep their exes on pedestals.

 

Yeah, I guess it's really pretty much a delicate balance. Both views need discovery and analysis... to a degree.

 

Hard to say one or the other is better for healing and recovery. Lord knows I've done both about a million times each

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, I guess it's really pretty much a delicate balance. Both views need discovery and analysis... to a degree.

 

Hard to say one or the other is better for healing and recovery. Lord knows I've done both about a million times each

 

The last thing this guy needs to be doing is blaming himself. It's not the time. It's important to know what you could have done better, but not at the expense of putting his ex on a pedestal. The last thing this dude needs to be doing at this time is going to a self-shaming funk.

[xUnknown]

I remember you and I were replying on each others threads about a month and a half ago when we both got dumped. Glad to hear yours finally may have come to her senses.

 

Here is what I would do.

 

Flip a coin.

Why?

 

Because as soon as it leaves your finger, you know which route you want to take. No need to wait to see what it lands on - you flip it, BOOM. You know in your mind what you want it to land on. Do that.

 

You are the only one who knows the relationship, knows yourself and your progress in healing, and her. Only you can make the decision.

[mtnbiker3000]

The last thing this guy needs to be doing is blaming himself. It's not the time. It's important to know what you could have done better, but not at the expense of putting his ex on a pedestal. The last thing this dude needs to be doing at this time is going to a self-shaming funk.

 

Agreed. Blaming oneself and self-shame are always the wrong route. I just think a little self-analysis is key. But, yes, it must come at a time when one has a little more control of their emotions and feelings. OP is too fresh and raw. Anger will serve him better until a later stage has been reached.

 

I guess I'm just at a very self-reflective stage, but I am way further along than the OP.

[Simon Phoenix]

The last paragraph isn't crap. At all. The last paragraph speaks the truth. Are you trying to tell me it was 100% your ex and you did no wrong in your relationship?

 

I understand that and I've been trying but it's extremely hard.

 

I agree that to an extent we should do those things... exercise, friends, go out etc.

But that's only cross adiction and somewhat unhealthy. Replacing our void with something else.

 

We're technically doing what rebounders are doing in a sense.

 

No you shouldn't sit there and mope. But you should face everything head on and truly focus on yourself, where we went wrong, what our problems are (jealousy, insecurities, anger etc) and change that.

 

Friends are great. Exercise is great. Going out is great. When done excessively in this situation and not focusing on ourselves from inside, then that is just cross addiction.

 

 

Idk, sorry if im sounding like a prick. I have different views on this. Iv had lots of time to think of new coping mechanisms.

 

You don't sound like a prick, you sound like a dude that's putting your ex on a pedestal and you sound like a dude who is moping in self shame. I mean, you've been analyzing (practically overanalyzing) what you've done wrong since it happened. I could have done this, I could have done that, blah, blah. Sure you could have, but she could have also done things differently, She could have been accepting of your faults like you were of hers. She wasn't. That doesn't make her a bad person, it just doesn't make her the right person.

 

No one is perfect. Ripping on yourself for not being perfect while absolving her of the same thing is absolutely crap. The last thing you need to be doing is self-loathing.

 

As for the ways to get on with the breakup, I couldn't disagree more with your depiction of it. You aren't doing it to replace her, you are doing it to get you back. That's the point of No Contact -- to get yourself back so you aren't a clingy, overemotional, panicky "prick" whenever things don't go your way. You are doing these things to evolve and become a person, not to haphazardly fill a void. Maybe that's why NC has been rough on you -- your mindset is completely off. You should be looking at this as an opportunity to grow -- not as this awful moment which you'll never get over.

 

I mean, sh*tty things happen, but what doesn't kill you can make you stronger. I've had a few breakups in my day and every one of them has eventually made me a better person. Sure, it sucks, but it'll suck even before if you are constantly looking to beat yourself down or constant checking the rear view mirror. Look forward, and if your ex wants to come back in your life, she's going to have to speed a bit.

[Simon Phoenix]

Agreed. Blaming oneself and self-shame are always the wrong route. I just think a little self-analysis is key. But, yes, it must come at a time when one has a little more control of their emotions and feelings. OP is too fresh and raw. Anger will serve him better until a later stage has been reached.

 

I guess I'm just at a very self-reflective stage, but I am way further along than the OP.

 

Meh, I guess I know exactly what I did wrong and after self-reflection, I realized it wasn't nearly as big of a deal as I made it out to be. I feel as if the OP needs to get there. Whatever he did wasn't the end of the world I'm sure -- the right person would have accepted it instead of running.

[mtnbiker3000]

Meh, I guess I know exactly what I did wrong and after self-reflection, I realized it wasn't nearly as big of a deal as I made it out to be. I feel as if the OP needs to get there. Whatever he did wasn't the end of the world I'm sure -- the right person would have accepted it instead of running.

 

Well, for me, this BU opened up many, many other issues going on in my life. Issues that have been active for a long time. Many, many years. This BU broke it all wide open. My recovery has been one of an intimate RS and BU, but also one of damaging behavior I've been exhibiting for a while in all aspects of life. It is much deeper than just a BU. But it IS all tied together. And self-reflection and growth are the only way to repair all of the issues, including ones of an intimate origin.

 

I think this type of scenario is way more common than not. IMO - a BU is a great opportunity to dig deep and really get introspective. But it must come at the right time and in the right order. I believe most of the time, BU's are simply symptoms caused by a greater issue.

 

Some where, somehow, it comes back to you. I really believe this. Whether it was a bad choice form the first sight or sticking it out at the end when it is obviously over. And everything in between. The real reasons can be traced back to you. Which is why I've stated several times, I'm not sure who I am more mad at: her or myself? But again... This viewpoint has been formed over 8+ months of NC.

Edited November 18, 2013 by mtnbiker3000

[Simon Phoenix]

Well, for me, this BU opened up many, many other issues going on in my life. Issues that have been active for a long time. Many, many years. This BU broke it all wide open. My recovery has been one of an intimate RS and BU, but also one of damaging behavior I've been exhibiting for a while in all aspects of life. It is much deeper than just a BU. But it IS all tied together. And self-reflection and growth are the only way to repair all of the issues, including ones of an intimate origin.

 

I think this type of scenario is way more common than not. IMO - a BU is a great opportunity to dig deep and really get introspective. But it must come at the right time and in the right order. I believe most of the time, BU's are simply symptoms caused by a greater issue.

 

Some where, somehow, it comes back to you. I really believe this. Whether it was a bad choice form the first sight or sticking it out at the end when it is obviously over. And everything in between. The real reasons can be traced back to you. Which is why I've stated several times, I'm not sure who I am more mad at: her or myself? But again... This viewpoint has been formed over 8+ months of NC.

 

My breakup was just because things didn't work out. There's no deep-seeded psychological stuff at play -- sometimes things just happen that are out of our control. Learning to let go and not try to control stuff has been a lot more effective for me than anything. I'm an impatient person, but if anything, this whole scenario has made me better about that. Sometimes there isn't a deeper reason -- sometimes things happen. I mean, I messed up, but oh well -- it's not like I hit her, yelled at her, cheated on her, insulted her. I'm not going to beat myself up over that stuff.

 

You can only control what you control. If that's what you are learning, then good. But I'm not sure how effective making yourself the nexus of all of this negative activity is. And it's certainly not what the OP needs at all. He needs to be far away from that type of thought because he is not at the emotional pace to handle it.

 

OP, I see you liking posts and lurking, what's the deal with your brother and your ex? I've asked you this a couple of times and you keep avoiding the question (unless I missed it in one of your responses, which is possible). Honestly, the worst thing in this situation is them talking and carrying on and reporting back to you on it. Just awful.