Froelich87 Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 So my brother (whom is my roommate) has told me that my ex reached out to him in a facebook message. This is like the 5th time NC indirectly has gotten broken. I think this one is one of the worst. I was drunk... so I stupidly asked what was said. She asked about me. How I was donig. If I was still not going to my morning class (she thought I was failing it or something) He said he is doing good. He's going to his class. He is just dreading going to thanksgiving because he is still hurt. She said Why? Because of explaining to relatives? I don't know what happened from there but... He kinda ruined it for me. Now she knows I'm not doing okay and still hurt. She shouldn't deserve to know and I'm really upset with my brother. I'm going by NC. I don't want to know anything about her or anything that she's doing... and this 2 months of NC seems to have been ruined by my brother in 30 seconds. What do I do? I'm freaking out. I found this out yesterday and today is a really bad day. I can't stop thinking about her. The good times. The sex. Everything.
Author Froelich87 Posted November 18, 2013 Author Posted November 18, 2013 I just love it when anyone else posts something they get tons of replies. "people here are helpful" Yeah. Okay. I don't get any replies so I don't even know why the hell I even signed up.
Confusedguy81 Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 you are a tad sensitive cuz people didnt respond. Here is a life lesson for you-**** dont always go your way. As for your ex, I would ignore her and tell your brother to stop talking about you to her. 1
Canadiangirl78 Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 I just read your post for the first time..I find the weekend gets a few less replies then usual so don't take it personally. Anyway, your situation with your brother sucks, but maybe he wasn't fully aware of what you were trying to do? Either way I'm sure he didn't do it intentionally.. I think that you just need to carry on with NC as if this never happened. I am in no way an expert about NC so take what I say with a grain of salt but maybe this makes you look even stronger.. If she thinks you are hurting still and haven't even contacted her once, if that were me, I think that would make me start thinking about you more. Wondering how you are but not really knowing because those words did not come from your mouth. Make sure to tell your brother and friends that if asked, you are doing really really well. I'm sure you will hear from some here who are very knowledgable about NC and what this minor setback means for you. Wishing you all the best. Take care of yourself. 3
Kansas87 Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 Idk, I'd be more mad at your brother than her. She probably thought after two months it was ok to start being "nice" again. But yeah, I totally get your frustration and sadness. It's not that I'm not on your side. Definitely tell your friends and family that you don't want to hear about her at all. And remember that you are NOT starting from scratch again. It was a setback, not a total failure. You've already gotten through the worst part- just try to keep going. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 Yeah, the solution to this is simple -- tell your brother to not play go-between. It sucks it happened, but it seems like it was a mistake. It's not the end of the world and you should stop treating it as such. Get up, dust yourself off, and restart NC. 1
Author Froelich87 Posted November 18, 2013 Author Posted November 18, 2013 Thank you to everyone with the responses. Ran into a little bit of a problem here... because I was dumb. Apparently there is more. I had told Gabe the next time this happens to tell her that I'm doing very well... and that is all. Or to ignore her completely. He had asked me if I looked at the convo and told him no. He said.. Good thing... and smiled. Stupid me. I just had to know. She had told him that she misses me. He told her that she had told me that she dumped me because it seemed like more of a friendship instead of a relationship. He then asked her if she missed my friendship and companionship. She had told him that No, she missed me as a boyfriend. However, she then said that she's too young and doesn't know what she wants from a partner and that I scared her away with talks about marriage. I know that this probably doesn't change anything. I know that I should just dust myself off and continue on this NC route. I'm just so confused right now.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 Thank you to everyone with the responses. Ran into a little bit of a problem here... because I was dumb. Apparently there is more. I had told Gabe the next time this happens to tell her that I'm doing very well... and that is all. Or to ignore her completely. He had asked me if I looked at the convo and told him no. He said.. Good thing... and smiled. Stupid me. I just had to know. She had told him that she misses me. He told her that she had told me that she dumped me because it seemed like more of a friendship instead of a relationship. He then asked her if she missed my friendship and companionship. She had told him that No, she missed me as a boyfriend. However, she then said that she's too young and doesn't know what she wants from a partner and that I scared her away with talks about marriage. I know that this probably doesn't change anything. I know that I should just dust myself off and continue on this NC route. I'm just so confused right now. There is no confusion...no "situation"....none of that. All this marry.go.round crap is starting and ending with you. Quit breaking the cycle and move on. If she wanted to be with you, she would be. She isn't so its time to get back to no contact and move forward. Next time, give it more than a few hours before you start bashing a community for free advice. 4
Simon Phoenix Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 Yeah, that last one was a self-inflicted wound. Until she makes the effort, a real effort, to seek you out as a boyfriend, that conversation was absolutely meaningless. There's nothing to be confused about -- she broke up with you and isn't seeking you out. 2
Author Froelich87 Posted November 18, 2013 Author Posted November 18, 2013 hes reading the convo now.... she said shes missing me very badly... hasn't stopped thinking about me or loving me she would beg me to take her back if i was okay with her not wanting to get married right now. Then said... that I would eventually want to and that it wouldn't be fair to me. wtf? which one is it going to be? She said that all she has wanted to do was talk to me about this... but she has been trying her best to respect my space when I told her not to contact me and that I would contact her when I was ready. SO CONFUSED
Simon Phoenix Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 hes reading the convo now.... she said shes missing me very badly... hasn't stopped thinking about me or loving me she would beg me to take her back if i was okay with her not wanting to get married right now. Then said... that I would eventually want to and that it wouldn't be fair to me. wtf? which one is it going to be? She said that all she has wanted to do was talk to me about this... but she has been trying her best to respect my space when I told her not to contact me and that I would contact her when I was ready. SO CONFUSED Tell him to stop reading you the conversation! It's up to her to talk to you, not to him. Seriously, he's not helping you at all. TELL HIM TO STOP!
Author Froelich87 Posted November 18, 2013 Author Posted November 18, 2013 Sorry guys, I had posted that very last one before the other responses.
Simon Phoenix Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 Sorry guys, I had posted that very last one before the other responses. Either way, tell him to stop being the middle man. That's ridiculous.
Author Froelich87 Posted November 18, 2013 Author Posted November 18, 2013 Or maybe she isn't doing it because she is stubborn. I dated her for 3 years. She is stubborn. She is also hurting badly apparently... and respecting me as a person. She's been wanting to reach out to me but I told her to not contact me after the break up. I told her that I would contact her when I was ready. I mean idk guys. Im starting to look like "that guy" on these fourms who isn't taking others advice. But maybe... the truth might just be as simple as she's stubborn/scared to contact me. ?
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 hes reading the convo now.... she said shes missing me very badly... hasn't stopped thinking about me or loving me she would beg me to take her back if i was okay with her not wanting to get married right now. Then said... that I would eventually want to and that it wouldn't be fair to me. wtf? which one is it going to be? She said that all she has wanted to do was talk to me about this... but she has been trying her best to respect my space when I told her not to contact me and that I would contact her when I was ready. SO CONFUSED Good lord.... This is like watching someone stab themselves with a knife. Tell your friend to knock it off. That's goal number one. Next, THATS IT!!!!! DO GOAL ONE. The phrase actions speak louder than words is so true. Marriage or no marriage, if someone really loved you, they wouldnt leave in fear of you being gone. She probably does miss you since you spent a lot of time together, but until she tells you she wants you back and SHOWSshe is wanting you back, do not believe it. All words. Ive seen MANY on here who heard the same story and arent together. Hell, my ex said after the BU that its not perminate, I'm the one she is to marry, she misses me dearly, etc etc etc.....you can probably figure out end result. You can fix anyone. Don't sidetrack yourself and keep moving forward. 3
Author Froelich87 Posted November 18, 2013 Author Posted November 18, 2013 I'm pretty sure she is going to be getting into contact with me here soon. I need some coaching here... This is what I and what all dumpees dream would come true. Not the reconciliation per-say... but maybe even the opportunity to be the dumper. I need to know what I should say to her or be prepared for what to say to her. I only have one chance and I don't want to mess it up ( by mess it up I don't mean mess up a chance at rec. ) I want to explain to her that I was hurt..I still love her but I'm afraid this will end up the same way if we don't make changes... we still need time to make changes with ourselves. I need to see you prove you love me and want me back and are willing to work on this... etc or else I can't take you back. I'm not great with my words so I'm trying to prepare myself as much as possible. Explaining what I would accept with a rec. and if not then I don't want to be with you. So if someone wants to help me put this words into something great because this is my chance that I've been waiting for... and these rarely happen...
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 I'm pretty sure she is going to be getting into contact with me here soon. I need some coaching here... This is what I and what all dumpees dream would come true. Not the reconciliation per-say... but maybe even the opportunity to be the dumper. I need to know what I should say to her or be prepared for what to say to her. I only have one chance and I don't want to mess it up ( by mess it up I don't mean mess up a chance at rec. ) I want to explain to her that I was hurt..I still love her but I'm afraid this will end up the same way if we don't make changes... we still need time to make changes with ourselves. I need to see you prove you love me and want me back and are willing to work on this... etc or else I can't take you back. I'm not great with my words so I'm trying to prepare myself as much as possible. Explaining what I would accept with a rec. and if not then I don't want to be with you. So if someone wants to help me put this words into something great because this is my chance that I've been waiting for... and these rarely happen... Here is how the conversation should go: *She picks up the phone* *ring* .......*ring*......*ring*......*ring* ***VOICEMAIL**** End of converstation You are just whiffing at the advice here man lol. Dont talk to her. If she wants it bad enough, trust me, you will know. EVEN with all of those "pretty" words she told your friend, it doesnt mean ANY of them are anywhere near true. She didnt just break up out of nowhere...she thought about doing it for awhile I assure you. Right now, she misses the feeling and what not and is sounds of possible regret. Just because an ex misses you doesnt mean they will get back together. A very hard lesson. Do NOT talk to her. Not right now. Maybe MUCH later on when clearer heads have prevailed. 4
Author Froelich87 Posted November 18, 2013 Author Posted November 18, 2013 Here is how the conversation should go: *She picks up the phone* *ring* .......*ring*......*ring*......*ring* ***VOICEMAIL**** End of converstation You are just whiffing at the advice here man lol. Dont talk to her. If she wants it bad enough, trust me, you will know. EVEN with all of those "pretty" words she told your friend, it doesnt mean ANY of them are anywhere near true. She didnt just break up out of nowhere...she thought about doing it for awhile I assure you. Right now, she misses the feeling and what not and is sounds of possible regret. Just because an ex misses you doesnt mean they will get back together. A very hard lesson. Do NOT talk to her. Not right now. Maybe MUCH later on when clearer heads have prevailed. Lol I appreciate the input my man. She literally told my brother "She would BEG for me back" And I know her. I know how stubborn she is. I know how scared she is. I should just let it go to voicemail or shut the door in her face. But...we all know actions speak louder than words. We all know I'll probably answer. ... so what should I say? What would you say to your ex if she called you, said she made a mistake and wanted you back? Tag, youre it.
headinthecloud Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 Do what you think is best for you. If you contact her and then decide to be together again, keep in mind that marriage will never be on the table. So if you want marriage in your life then this relationship will only cause you pain. Just be honest with yourself about what you want. Keep in mind that the pain of today will be less than if you reunite and breakup again later. If you need to talk to her then talk, but listen to her words when you do - don't fill in the blanks with things you want her say. Good luck! 2
mtnbiker3000 Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 . We all know I'll probably answer. ... so what should I say? What would you say to your ex if she called you, said she made a mistake and wanted you back? Tag, youre it. Well, if you let her back just like that, you can be sure she will bail again in just a short matter of time. It will have been too easy. You know it and she knows it... 1
Author Froelich87 Posted November 18, 2013 Author Posted November 18, 2013 Do what you think is best for you. If you contact her and then decide to be together again, keep in mind that marriage will never be on the table. So if you want marriage in your life then this relationship will only cause you pain. Just be honest with yourself about what you want. Keep in mind that the pain of today will be less than if you reunite and breakup again later. If you need to talk to her then talk, but listen to her words when you do - don't fill in the blanks with things you want her say. Good luck! I appreciate the feedback. She never said she never wants to get married, just that she doesnt want to now or in the near future. She's younger than I am and has other things to worry about...such as her P.H.D. I accept that. do I think if she'll come back and I want to marry her eventually again? Maybe. But I know I wont be the first to bring it up... and honestly, I think I will be okay with it . As for the other post, Im not going to let her come back so easy. There will continue to be time apart so I can keep working on myself, my health, my faults etc. She will have to do the same. We will have to take it very slow and it will have to be a completely new relationship.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 Lol I appreciate the input my man. She literally told my brother "She would BEG for me back" And I know her. I know how stubborn she is. I know how scared she is. I should just let it go to voicemail or shut the door in her face. But...we all know actions speak louder than words. We all know I'll probably answer. ... so what should I say? What would you say to your ex if she called you, said she made a mistake and wanted you back? Tag, youre it. No problem..... Yeah, again, they are ALL words. My ex begged and pleaded for me. Said "I will marry you. There is no one else. I just want you. Please, I just have some personal issues to take care of and we will be great. I love you SOO much please dont leave me during this." I said I supported her....AND found out she was seeing someone else. Three years too. I knew the GF like the back of my hand. Every fear, insecurity, dream, want, etc etc etc etc. Some things you cannot see until you are far out of the picture. Mine is story 1 of 10,000 on here. It happens WAY more than you think. Devils advocate, there ARE stories on here where it works out. With THAT said, it ONLY really fully works when both parties have MATURED and HEALED with the breakup. Its very clear that neither of you have. It just seems like she might be a little lonely. Doesnt matter HOW stubborn or whatever she is....if she wants to be with you, she will. Next, stop making excuses for her. She WANTED the breakup. It wasnt something that was just "hey, I think I might do this today to see what happens." Doesnt work that way. For whatever reason she gives or ACTUALLY did it for is another question all together. One you will never fully grasp and when you do, you are over it anyways. I think its MUCH deeper than marriage..... Here is the honest truth: The place you are in currently (and I was in before) I'd probably defiantly answer it. Is that the best answer? No not at all....you guys are still pretty fresh off of this especially one for so long. If there was EVEN a chance you guys got back together in the future and actually lasted, then you guys would have to have grown from this, like I said. Honestly man....I get where you are coming from. I understand the emotions, feelings, and what not. From someone who has seen this story 1000 times and even lived it, you dont want to say or do something you'll regret later. Take time to heal from this before you decide to do anything about it. I know you probably will because we all touched the hot stove before.....just know that it burns and it scar hurts worse than the original burn. Give it some time 3
mtnbiker3000 Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 What would you say to your ex if she called you, said she made a mistake and wanted you back? Tag, youre it. Statement below by you sounds pretty good to me.... Im not going to let her come back so easy. There will continue to be time apart so I can keep working on myself, my health, my faults etc. She will have to do the same. We will have to take it very slow and it will have to be a completely new relationship. 1
Author Froelich87 Posted November 18, 2013 Author Posted November 18, 2013 No problem..... Yeah, again, they are ALL words. My ex begged and pleaded for me. Said "I will marry you. There is no one else. I just want you. Please, I just have some personal issues to take care of and we will be great. I love you SOO much please dont leave me during this." I said I supported her....AND found out she was seeing someone else. Three years too. I knew the GF like the back of my hand. Every fear, insecurity, dream, want, etc etc etc etc. Some things you cannot see until you are far out of the picture. Mine is story 1 of 10,000 on here. It happens WAY more than you think. Devils advocate, there ARE stories on here where it works out. With THAT said, it ONLY really fully works when both parties have MATURED and HEALED with the breakup. Its very clear that neither of you have. It just seems like she might be a little lonely. Doesnt matter HOW stubborn or whatever she is....if she wants to be with you, she will. Next, stop making excuses for her. She WANTED the breakup. It wasnt something that was just "hey, I think I might do this today to see what happens." Doesnt work that way. For whatever reason she gives or ACTUALLY did it for is another question all together. One you will never fully grasp and when you do, you are over it anyways. I think its MUCH deeper than marriage..... Here is the honest truth: The place you are in currently (and I was in before) I'd probably defiantly answer it. Is that the best answer? No not at all....you guys are still pretty fresh off of this especially one for so long. If there was EVEN a chance you guys got back together in the future and actually lasted, then you guys would have to have grown from this, like I said. Honestly man....I get where you are coming from. I understand the emotions, feelings, and what not. From someone who has seen this story 1000 times and even lived it, you dont want to say or do something you'll regret later. Take time to heal from this before you decide to do anything about it. I know you probably will because we all touched the hot stove before.....just know that it burns and it scar hurts worse than the original burn. Give it some time Dammit dude. This sucks so bad. I was doing okay, too. Now I won't be able to get any sleep tonight. I feel like Im back at square 1. So, don't answer. Don't listen to what she has to say. what happens if that may be my last chance... and she gives up because she think I gave up?
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