Does the memories and pain ever fade?

[Vinsanity1307]

I am about 4 months post break up and still having hard times with the thoughts of her with someone else. And reminiscing on our times together. I am working out, going out here and there (which I dont really do often), I work both my jobs. It feels like she is with me constantly (on my mind). I am seeing a counselor and still having issues. I still have issues sleeping, and have constant dreams of her. i reorganized my apartment. I just just feel like I am in the dark forever. I feel like I am giving up my faith in people and myself. I am so lost....

 

Here is my story..Comments really appreciated...

 

Ok This is going to sound like the most screwed up story but here goes. I am a 27 year old guy who was in a "relationship" with a 36 year old women with three kids and divorced twice (Claimed both exes cheated on her).

 

We started dating in 2008. Everything was good in the beginning, the sex was amazing (although nothing compared to the future with her sexually) and we got along. Then as time went on I learned she was still married (separated for about 1 year) and had not even filed for divorce yet. She told me she didnt have the money and whatnot. Anyways I ended meeting the kids 2 months into the relationship and they loved me twins that were 4 at the time and a 14 year old boy. As time went on I would bend over backwards for this girl from bringing the kids to school , getting them ready, or to just taking them out to chuck e cheese. As time went on she was still in contact with a guy she slept with before dating me, and they were talking sexually through facebook. Then her recent ex husband was saying sexual stuff as well to her through text messages. From there it only got worse (Although I couldnt prove anything i saw the messages on facebook of them just talking about it, as well as another guy I had no idea about but couldn't prove it

 

. This girl had alot of health issues that I would stay by her side for operations and whatnot until recovery. So after about a year I was in love with her regardless of all the issues and we got engaged. I was doing everything and anything for her. About 6 months later she dumped me after me bringing up her still talking with these guys. I begged tried buying her things but nothing worked I was heart broken. I tried talking to her about what I did and she ended up running over my foot and as she drove away saying don't bother her anymore... She threw me down stairs if I tried hugging her and I ended up hitting my head and she just leaves.... I eventually left her alone and about 10 days later of no contact she texted me. Just saying ok......

 

We end up talking in person then having sex and getting back together. As time went on she still was sketchy and*mean*towards me so I told her I didnt want to commit to her anymore after about 2 months. She was devastated. We continued to date but nothing official and I was going on dating websites which destroyed her and she would beg and plead for me to stop and be her bf. I stopped going on the sites as we continued to "date" unless we had a big fight. I would go back on the dating website to piss her off. Then suspend it once everything was settled...For the next 2.5 years she turned into a wonderful person doing anything and everything for me. Even quit smoking for me after smoking for 15 years. I had the I dont care attitude but def showed her the love here and there. We basically acted as a couple unofficially.....Also during this 2.5 years she lost her job and was having issues keeping a car,and even a cell phone. She was going to school to be an EMT after losing her job in late 2010. About 2 months ago i decided enough was enough and would consider making a real go at the relationship seriously.

 

She just recently got her **** together and is an EMT , has a car,and her own cell line that I bought for her.... I was nicer but not needy still had that i dont care attitude but ALOT nicer And giving the relationship a real go... We did beyond things you could imagine sexually(and things she was petrified to do in the beginning.)She would beg for sex from me or pleasure me whenever. It was great And no words can describe the sexual chemistry we had...... We were even getting along really well .We went to Maine together and she was all over me as I was her. She had to leave maine cause she just started a new job and could only get 2 days off. But she drove to and from maine 3 times just to see me.... So when I came back about a day later she wrote me an email saying she no longer wanted kids and ( which is something I wanted and something she promised she would give me for 5 years) she was too afraid of my response cause she thought I would leave her is what the email said. I was upset but told her having her in my life was more important.

 

This was a once and a lifetime chemistry which it really was....She didn't believe so I showed her the engagement ring I bought her to show I was ready to commit and be with her forever. About 2 days later she texts me and dumps me out of the blue . She said she is not in love with me and we hurt each other too much... I begged and pleaded but she just started being mean.I showed up at her house and she flipped out and saw she was even smoking again. She threatened to call the police if I didnt leave. After a while I left. Said Id rather die then go through pain without her she said go ahead and kill yourself then. I wrote her one last text and nothing. So a week and a half go by with no contact and I really still wanted her back. I ended up breaking no contact and I showed up at her house again and tried talking...I quickly looked at her phone and saw she was texting a guy she use to screw right before dating me who is about 40 and he sleeps around ..I am not being conceited but I am a fit 27 year old who works out have muscles w/e..I don't understand going from me to back to him especially after her being all over me in Maine and this guy was one of the guys going for her when we were engaged.....regardless....i acted cool and said I guess that's the nail in the coffin for me...I told her I loved her and left

[organizedchaos]

I've read all your posts before but this sounds like an extremely dis functional and unhealthy relationship. I don't understand your infatuation with this woman and inability to moved on after 4 months.

[Vinsanity1307]

Over the last few years she turned it around and would do anythign for me but I was guarded and resented her for what she put me through while engaged and or together. Then I finally let go of the past and gave it a real go . She picks up and leaves. Coincidentally during this time she gets her life together and leaves. But still stuck on those great moments together whether being sexual, or just having each others company....I just cant let her go...And she lives like 50 yards from my house. It is horrid...

[Vinsanity1307]

ANyone else?

[Mariposa10]

I agree with the other post your relationship sounded like it was bound to fail (I'm sorry).

 

I was with my ex for 4 yrs too. It's been 4 months since the breakup too. We had AMAZING chemistry. The sex just kept getting better and better, especially the last year!! Loved each other deeply. However, our relationship was kind of dysfunctional too. It was bound to fail to, but I didn't understand that, until I was in NC.

 

I had sleeping problems, lost my appetite, had some anxiety attacks, but now of all that is gone, thank goodness!! I'm just slowly healing and moving on. But I'm actively doing things to feel better.

 

There's light at the end of the tunnel!

 

Things do get better!!

[Vinsanity1307]

Thank you for your response...I really thought things were turning around for the better the last few months when I let go of the things she did to me in the beginning. Which really hurts even more is a 36 year old with three kids and lives at home doesnt want me who will. Ya know? Did you get the raging thoughts and memories? And what did you do? At night is awful when they come swinging around and they hit you like a train. It hurts so much.

[Vinsanity1307]

Well back again and I would appreciate all your opinions.

 

So I finally had the b#$ls to open up my dating profile on pof. For four months I was petrified to do so cause my exes best friend is on the site and it would clearly get back to her that I was on the site. Which I feel it makes me look pathetic and desperate and that I can't find someone om my own if that makes sense. I still feel that way to be honest.

 

Anyways my main problem or other half of the issue is even the thought of being with someone else causes me anxiety and heartache. I still cant imagine life without my ex or being with anyone else even though I am at four months without her. I still very much love my ex as most of you know but numerous people say I need to find someone else to forget her. I also find I'm not attracted to anyone else really is that normal? What should I do?

 

 

Here is my original story for those that don't know

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/417902-dumped-after-5-years

[Confusedguy81]

you should do what many have already said-maintain no contact. We always tend to look at our exes with adoration once they are gone, as if they did nothing wrong in the relationship. Try to remember the bad times with the ex; this is a good way to relieve some of your anxieties and realize that not being together may be a blessing.

[reddragon588]

Yeah it's normal you have to go out and meet these girls though and eventually it will come back. Once I started trying to date again it took me a good couple if months for me to start feeling like I was even attracted to these girls. I was really just going through the motions at first, but eventually you become excited about it.

[Canadiangirl78]

Maybe the reason the dating site makes you feel "icky" is because you aren't ready for that yet? Why push yourself into doing that if your hearts not in it? What if you start talking to a girl, meet up with her and you're not really feeling it but continue just because you think it's what you should be doing and the whole time this poor girl is starting to fall for you. Then bam, we have another person left with a broken heart on LS pouring their heart out. Just something to think about. If you're not ready to start looking, then don't..

[sambo77]

Maybe the reason the dating site makes you feel "icky" is because you aren't ready for that yet? Why push yourself into doing that if your hearts not in it? What if you start talking to a girl, meet up with her and you're not really feeling it but continue just because you think it's what you should be doing and the whole time this poor girl is starting to fall for you. Then bam, we have another person left with a broken heart on LS pouring their heart out. Just something to think about. If you're not ready to start looking, then don't..

 

Completely agree. Vin...IMHO from what I've read of your posts you are about as ready for dating as I am to fly a Black Hawk.

 

"Moving on" is not synonymous with "dating again"...you are moving on by simply continuing to breath. The sole purpose of life does not revolve around seeking and maintaining a romantic bond.

 

You know those nature documentaries, where they speed up the process of a flower growing, so that you watch 8 months happen in 3 minutes? Where the daily changes are so minute that you just wouldn't notice them if you looked day by day? Well...the same is true for your recovery...something's happening everyday Vin...it just ain't big enough to notice.

 

By trying to date when you don't feel ready...well...you're just like a tiny shoot desperate to grow petals when you're way away from that part of the process.

 

You will KNOW when you're ready to date Vin. Because you will WANT to. You can be sure of that. It is NOT the case that you are going to feel like you do now forever UNLESS you force yourself to date right now...that's scaremongering...and also BS. Right now...well...you know in your heart of hearts you're NOT ready. Listen to yourself...respect yourself...don't trample all over the strong gut feeling you have that's saying you aren't ready.

[Vinsanity1307]

Sambo and Canadian girl you are probably right. But its what I am being told and as all other people know who read my forums nothing is working to make things easier and ease the pain. I was very co dependant on my ex even though I never showed it to her. I didnt realize it till after she left me. I miss her being there always with the companionship the love, the connection, the lust, her touch. She is still viewed as my one and only. I havent let it go and cant get angry as people have advised me to do.I just fear four months is a while and I am still hurting pretty bad. So was just looking into this alternative to help.

[Canadiangirl78]

Beautiful analogy sambo77 about the flower blooming..perfect actually!

 

I totally understand the desperation you feel in trying to make the pain stop and I get it, believe me I do. I just don't want to see you unintentionally hurting someone and most of all doing a disservice to yourself by forcing yourself into something you're not ready for. I wish I knew the answer to make it stop hurting so much, I wish it for you and I wish for me, all of us here really. But it's not that easy unfortunately. Chin up, and keep chatting with us here. I check this site a million times a day it feels like but it helps me to stop crying for a while and focus and learn and right now I need all the help I can get!!

[Sugarkane]

Who cares if the exes best friend is on the site? It's not really any of their business anyway.

[what_a_blonde]

Beautiful analogy sambo77 about the flower blooming..perfect actually!

 

I totally understand the desperation you feel in trying to make the pain stop and I get it, believe me I do. I just don't want to see you unintentionally hurting someone and most of all doing a disservice to yourself by forcing yourself into something you're not ready for. I wish I knew the answer to make it stop hurting so much, I wish it for you and I wish for me, all of us here really. But it's not that easy unfortunately. Chin up, and keep chatting with us here. I check this site a million times a day it feels like but it helps me to stop crying for a while and focus and learn and right now I need all the help I can get!!

 

Agree with this 100%.

 

I'm in a situation where I believe the guy is emotionally unavailable. In the beginning I tried to be a friend and give him his space but he jumped on me (uh, no pun intended) and reeled me in once he saw I cared... so I figured he was ready.

 

Then shortly into it he's backing away and being very cold and distant, telling me he just wants this to be "two friends having fun" basically cause he's not looking for anything.

 

It would have been great if he told me that from the start, before my heart became involved. And it would have been great if he realized that a true friend would have wanted to look out for my heart... not come in, make me feel butterflies for a while, then rip it out when he decides he's "not ready".

 

Sorry to rant- but just please be careful if you do start playing the field. Just try to take it slow. Don't go on any dates if you're not truly interested in the girl. No need to waste either of your time. AND most importantly, don't feel rushed into it. Maybe your friends are trying to help you move on and just want to see you happy. However you're the only one who can determine when you're ready... you just can't settle for never and continue to dwell on the ex. It has to be eventually because I'm sure there are women out there who will happily give you the attention and relationship you need.

[Vinsanity1307]

I know. I clearly am not ready just was looking to ease things as I stated.. I am going to deactivate the account I just opened it last night. I know its none of my exes and her friends business but like I said my mentality is that they will think im pathetic and I cant get anyone on my own (whether ready or not and she knew some girls would come after me when dating). What my ex thinks still matters unfortunately.

[LadyM]

I don't think there is a black and white answer for this situation. Ready to date, not ready to date - it doesn't matter. The truth is, if we run across someone who sparks us, we are ready!

 

I was still heartsick for my ex, but I joined a dating site anyway. Not much luck there, but I did meet a man in my everyday life with whom there was a definite spark. I really think it was mutual, but he had a girlfriend.

 

Anyway, even though I still thought of my ex constantly, I was able to be totally captivated by this new guy and would have loved to have gone out with him. And, the bonus was that my mind was preoccupied with thoughts of the new guy, which was a HUGE relief from the non-stop wearing thoughts of my ex.

 

That's why I think it is a good idea to give dating a chance. By putting yourself out there, you give yourself the opportunity to meet someone who knocks your socks off. You're in so much pain right now that this can be a healthy distraction for you. Besides, I don't think we ever completely get over our exes until we're involved in a new, loving relationship.

 

And I know you say you are still in love with her, but all this "love" we talk about, sometimes I think we just continue to feel a super-strong attachment to these people we had relationships with.

 

Love really doesn't hurt like this.

[reddragon588]

I know. I clearly am not ready just was looking to ease things as I stated.. I am going to deactivate the account I just opened it last night. I know its none of my exes and her friends business but like I said my mentality is that they will think im pathetic and I cant get anyone on my own (whether ready or not and she knew some girls would come after me when dating). What my ex thinks still matters unfortunately.

 

If she thinks you're pathetic for being on the same site she is, then she's even more pathetic.

[Simon Phoenix]

Maybe you need to go out and meet new friends if you aren't into dating. That's how I got over my ex (who was the only person in my town I would hang out with because we started up right after I had moved to town) -- I went out and forced myself to be social. Go to a bar, chat it up with some folks. You love the Patriots -- go to a Patriots gamewatch somewhere. Go to meetup.com and find some hobbies. Maybe by finding friends you can hang out with you'll start the process of quitting the obsession with the ex and the ruminating. And then maybe you'll get in the right mindset to meet other women.

 

But my advice is what it always has been with you -- be active, active, active.

[Vinsanity1307]

My exes Best friend is on it which she will definitely relay the message to my ex. i dont care what her friend thinks but my ex different story. Sorry if i wasnt clear...Also thats what im told that only real way to get over my ex but I just see me comparing everyone to my ex, and feel it will be a lose lose.

[Simon Phoenix]

My exes Best friend is on it which she will definitely relay the message to my ex. i dont care what her friend thinks but my ex different story. Sorry if i wasnt clear...Also thats what im told that only real way to get over my ex but I just see me comparing everyone to my ex, and feel it will be a lose lose.

 

Stop worrying about what your ex thinks. She doesn't give one sh*t about what you think. Stop giving her power. She has no right to play judge and jury about what you are doing -- she gave that up when she gave you up. That would be a really dumb reason not to online date. If you aren't ready, that's fine, but worrying about your ex finding out? C'mon dude.

[LadyM]

She may hear you're on a dating site from her friend, but trust me, she will think about it for a brief moment and then go back to concentrating on herself.

 

All she will see is that you have moved on and are open to meeting someone new.

 

She really doesn't care what you do.

[Vinsanity1307]

No worrying about what she thinks is not the only reason thats holding me back. Its that I am still in love with her and she is still on that pedestal and still the one in my mind..Again just trying to stop that reasoning..

[reddragon588]

My ex found out I was on a dating site and joined it that same day lol. Your ex won't care and will definitely not think you're pathetic even assuming she finds out.

 

At the end of the day, you have to live your life. You can't be afraid of your ex or else you won't be able to live life. Do you want to go through life always worrying about what she thinks? No, you don't, so just go ahead and live it!

Edited November 12, 2013 by reddragon588

[BC1980]

You really think you deserve to be in a relationship with her? She's the best it can get for you? I'm sure she has some redeeming qualities, but, from your description, she sounds dysfunctional to say the least.