xUnknown Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 lol sorry shouldn't laugh but yeah what unknown said That's what I thought. I'm sorry, long night, not much sleep. Curious although if it were a "mutual" breakup..we ended things amicably..."see where we are in 6 months and try again then"
BC1980 Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 Oh, of course. I find blokes are more likely to come back because NC triggers the "chase" in a guy. But yes, plenty don't come back. It's best to give up all hope and move on. Two months after my relationship ended, I did NC as a sort of experiment to see if my ex would contact me and how much. He was very persistent and contacted me quite often, wanting to meet up. I would wait hours or a day to answer any text. It did trigger "the chase" in him; the more I pulled away and acted disinterested, the more he chased me. The end result was not him wanting me back. He was still "unsure." So yes, it can trigger them to chase or miss you, but games like that are not the start of a new, healthy relationship. It actually ended up being more emotionally detrimental to me to play those games. So I hurt myself in the end because I was using LC (with him initiating) to see if I could get a reaction out of him. The entire experience did make me realize that NC is for healing, so some good came out of it. I wasted a lot of time that I could have spent moving on.
Author Jay C Posted November 18, 2013 Author Posted November 18, 2013 found this... your guys' thoughts....
J21 Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 Can I offer some advice? I was dumped by a guy I really loved. We've been broken up for 10 months now so I can possibly give you the perspective of your ex. If you still love her, it's better to try and get rejected than wonder what might have been. If she truly loves you and you prove yourself, anything is possible. Thanks for your kind advice. I am sure in my situation she has moved on.. I signed up for a dating site last Saturday and she was one of my matches. She posted an old photo and a lot of emotions started flooding in. (I didnt click her profile) I am inclined to say she has moved on and clearly looking for someone new. I'm sorry to hear of your heartache, but im sure your ex is hurting too. I wish you a happy outcome. 1
Never Again Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 Frank Sinatra & Eddie Hodges - High Hopes - YouTube You're still looking at NC in the wrong spirit. The potential for screwing yourself up further by trying this, is high... Agreed. Guys, look. NC is to heal and move on. Yes, it can prompt your ex to get in contact with you. Guess what? If you're still hurt and clinging to the old relationship, if you still want what you HAD, then you're either going to end up repeating history and getting dumped again...or you'll appear needy and desperate and will drive your ex even further away, and then you'll just beat yourself up more for f*cking it all up. The only way you get anywhere, is to let go. Move on. Close the door. If they do come back, you start something NEW because you've moved past the old. If they don't come back, you keep the path and still end up a better person. The only expectation you should have for NC is to stop being so wound up and depressed about someone who made the CHOICE to stop loving you and leave. 4
cavalier99 Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 (edited) I still am having trouble figuring out why some dumpees want back with their EX's. The second they dump you they made a decision for both of you to end things. The ONLY logical route forward is to decide that they are IMMEDIATLY ancient history and that you would NEVER go back or lose your self respect in any way waiting or reaching out to them or even answering them. Your self respect is all you have left after such a huge blow like a BU. You need to maintain your dignity and self respect at ALL costs. This includes making a DECISION to never talk to them again, go back, or break NC. Your heart may feel differently but you need to slug it out. Bending over and accpeting bread crumbs or pining after them post BU severly delays healing. Never lose your self respect post BU to them. This can take longer to regain than the pain of the actual BU . Cav Edited November 18, 2013 by cavalier99 4
travelonic Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 I still am having trouble figuring out why some dumpees want back with their EX's. Because it is never clear cut. For example, you assume it is the one who wants the ex back who was dumped - when it does happen that it is the other way around. Sometimes it is mutual. Sometimes it is for stupid reasons, sometimes for logical reasons, sometimes it is for horrid reasons, like infidelity. I dunno, maybe it's just me, but I find it absolutely weird that the bar is set at the fact that a breakup occurred, and not WHY it occurred. 2
cavalier99 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 It's not as simple as that. You probably wanted your ex back when she dumped you, and in all likelihood, will probably want the next one too. I think so long as you don't pine too long, and for goodness sakes, don't reach out to them, it's ok to want them. For a little while. It's human. Hmm i understad maybe wanting them back and being upset. But I guess for me no matter what my heart said i told myself I didnt want them back. Was it a lie at 1st? Sure. But i lied to self all the time to help my recovery. Fake until you make it! I made a decision not to look back. I didnt care what my heart told me. Cav
Simon Phoenix Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 I still am having trouble figuring out why some dumpees want back with their EX's. The second they dump you they made a decision for both of you to end things. The ONLY logical route forward The bolded is very rarely a consideration in manners of the heart. Loving someone is an illogical thing, so the result of the break of that love is very rarely logical. That's why sites like this exist. 4
cavalier99 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 The bolded is very rarely a consideration in manners of the heart. Loving someone is an illogical thing, so the result of the break of that love is very rarely logical. That's why sites like this exist. True.. but staying NC and telling yourself you dont want them back sometime is the only way to keep yourself sane with all the emotioal turmoil going on inside you. At least for me i grabbed onto that idea like a life preserver until i actually started believing it . 1
Simon Phoenix Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 And that's good - but not everyone is like that. We have a tendency to gloss over the faults of the ones we love, and hold onto the good things. Not everyone can compartmentalise like that, and it's ok. I think that you can pine, and want, and hope for your ex all you want. But so long as you maintain NC, the pining etc will eventually pass. It's NC that's the key. The rest are emotions that will ebb and flow, until they eventually calm. So long as you keep reminders of your ex at bay, don't online stalk, and don't contact them, it eventually passes. Exactly. I pined, but I pined to myself and stayed away. And eventually that pining became wanting, that wanting became "sure, it'd be cool, but I'm all right either way", and that became "whatever". 3
cavalier99 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 And that's good - but not everyone is like that. We have a tendency to gloss over the faults of the ones we love, and hold onto the good things. Not everyone can compartmentalise like that, and it's ok. I think that you can pine, and want, and hope for your ex all you want. But so long as you maintain NC, the pining etc will eventually pass. It's NC that's the key. The rest are emotions that will ebb and flow, until they eventually calm. So long as you keep reminders of your ex at bay, don't online stalk, and don't contact them, it eventually passes. You are a genius! Very well said. Cav
BC1980 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Hmm i understad maybe wanting them back and being upset. But I guess for me no matter what my heart said i told myself I didnt want them back. Was it a lie at 1st? Sure. But i lied to self all the time to help my recovery. Fake until you make it! I made a decision not to look back. I didnt care what my heart told me. Cav It is human nature to want what you cannot have. Something always becomes more valuable once it is unattainable. That is why NC usually triggers an ex to contact you. I wish it weren't that way, but it seems to be. 1
Never Again Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 And that's good - but not everyone is like that. We have a tendency to gloss over the faults of the ones we love, and hold onto the good things. Not everyone can compartmentalise like that, and it's ok. I think that you can pine, and want, and hope for your ex all you want. But so long as you maintain NC, the pining etc will eventually pass. It's NC that's the key. The rest are emotions that will ebb and flow, until they eventually calm. So long as you keep reminders of your ex at bay, don't online stalk, and don't contact them, it eventually passes. Agreed, and something I wish I knew much earlier in life. For healing purposes, I also like to suggest going NC with mutual friends. Doesn't have to be for very long...just until the worst of it has passed. Well meaning mutual friends have a way of being a go-between even if they don't mean to be. Memories of the ex with those friends have a nasty way of popping up and ruining the healing process. 1
Never Again Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 I say that, of course, having learned that lesson in the most miserable fashion after my most recent breakup. Talked to a friend, who happened to be the friend that set my ex and I up, to ask for advice. The "should I give up?" kind of advice - I was told "it's not over between you two", continued to pine and broke NC 3 times when my ex dropped breadcrumbs, and was generally a miserable, mopey b*tch for 5 weeks. Kids, learn from someone else's mistakes and don't do drugs. PSA OVER! *punches the cameraman and walks out*
ByMyself01 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 So what you're saying is the Dumper came back...not: the dumpee came back asking and the dumper agreed to try again. Correct? What I'm saying is that a majority of the dumpers came back and one of the dumpees came back. I only dumped someone once.
singme2sleep Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 I would wait for her to contact. Dumpers seem to like to dictate the relationship (even after its over) by controlling the level of contact. The dumpee takes back power by not contacting which is the best. You dictated the end of the relationship. You should respect her right to reinitiate it if she so chooses. I totally disagree! The dumper needs to be the one to re-establish contact first. And it's certainly not being disrespective. When have you ever heard of the dumpee reaching out and getting a positive result? The dumpee usually assumes the dumper doesn't want any communication. If the dumper wants the dumpee back, they make the move. They broke the relationship, therefore they must be the one to attempt laying a new foundation. 2
landangel Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 It works sometimes... But there are alot of variables. so it's not a rule or anything. And the people that it works on are not the best choices in relationships.... What of you mean by this "the people that it works on are not the best choices in relationships" I hope i dont get flamed for asking this, but what if a dumper made a mistake in ending the relationship and wants the dumpee back, only now the dumpee is in a rebound relationship. That is my situation. She never went NC, in fact she has been in steady contact with me and even spent time together despite her having a BF. I asked her if we could see each other again and she said it wasn't sure if it is a good idea. Would it be best to just go NC and just let her decide?
Confusedguy81 Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 Who cares if an ex contacts you? IMO you should just ignore the call. I'm gonna say most of the time they contact for ego boost or boredom or residual guilt or for some positive affirmation bs. Dumpers should just leave the dumpees alone. 2
Author Jay C Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 for the past few weeks i thought i'd be over my ex, and done. but it's the holiday season, lately i've been looking at pictures of me and my ex, and my emotions are coming back. it sucked going to thanksgiving and everyone asking about where my girlfriend is. i can't stop thinking about her, reminding myself of the good times we shared. it's the time of year where you're suppose to be with the one you love, and here i am alone, not even wanting to go out with friends. all i do now is go to work, stay home, get drunk, and wait for my ex to call me. FML.
Philosoraptor Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 Yes, continuing to concern yourself with the past right now is nothing but a source of pain. You'd be better off doing things to keep you busy. Nothing will make you feel better than doing for others. Go spend time with sick kids in the hospital, volunteer at a soup kitchen, etc. It will both take your mind off of things and make you feel good for being a positive force in someone else's life. Personally after a breakup I had a few years back I purcahsed Christmas presents for a impovershed family. It was a single father and he was very happy to be able to give his little girl a Christmas. 4
LostConfused123 Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 Hi, I too thought I would be "over this" by now. BU 6 weeks ago and NC since then. I think you're right (the holidays) They are so magical, perfect and even unreal when one is in love. But right before or during s breakup they are torture!!! Unreal but in a much different way. I'm so sorry for your pain! but remember, everything is magnified ten fold this time of year. Good and bad. We're all here for you!! ((hugs)) p.s. Careful, no drunk dialing. For real, you'll feel so much worse. Stay strong!
Author Jay C Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 Yes, continuing to concern yourself with the past right now is nothing but a source of pain. You'd be better off doing things to keep you busy. Nothing will make you feel better than doing for others. Go spend time with sick kids in the hospital, volunteer at a soup kitchen, etc. It will both take your mind off of things and make you feel good for being a positive force in someone else's life. Personally after a breakup I had a few years back I purcahsed Christmas presents for a impovershed family. It was a single father and he was very happy to be able to give his little girl a Christmas. well i did get money to charity yesterday, thought i should pay it forward, and my luck would change.
Author Jay C Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 Hi, I too thought I would be "over this" by now. BU 6 weeks ago and NC since then. I think you're right (the holidays) They are so magical, perfect and even unreal when one is in love. But right before or during s breakup they are torture!!! Unreal but in a much different way. I'm so sorry for your pain! but remember, everything is magnified ten fold this time of year. Good and bad. We're all here for you!! ((hugs)) p.s. Careful, no drunk dialing. For real, you'll feel so much worse. Stay strong! yeah it's not easy going out, seeing holiday stuff, and couples so in love. it is torture. i feel like i'm waiting for my ex to finally contact me, especially on christmas.
fixing Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 You gotta try to start being comfortable with just being alone. I know thats easier said then done, but as soon as your able to start relaxing into just yourself you wont feel so low. Dont hurt yourself by looking over old photos. And remember, Christmas is only 24 hours, then we're all back to normal boring civilization. Your not missing out on much! And for gods sake dont wait for that call!
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