splinter Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 My long term boyfriend is a great guy but has a raunchy/lewd sort of humor when we are with his woman/man group of friends. I have expressed my comfort to him about making sexual comments to his woman friends before while I am around but he says it is whom he is (although he will try and tame it) At a gathering the other night he made a comment to a woman in the group about pulling down her pants and showing him a birthmark on her behind while I was sitting right beside him. I didn't like it and my first reaction was to give him a little flick and a look. To which he replied with giving me a little flick back. My first reaction was to slap him, and I immediately regretted it and apologized profusely afterward. However I can tell he is still upset about the incident. I told him that such comments are not appropriate to other woman when his long term girlfriend is around but he says he was just joking/that's whom he is and he meant no harm. However I can tell he is still upset about the slap and quite frankly Im still upset at being disrespected/embarrassed like that when he sees no harm in joking this way How do I approach this situation?
bafflio Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 It's a classic you or him situation. He is saying he's just fooling around and you are saying you don't find that acceptable. From my point of view, I don't think it is very considerate to be pulling lame sexual jokes like that especially around one's s.o. It is a little questionable how much respect he has for you when he disregards your opinion like this. Are there other areas where he is different, where he does concede and accommodate your preferences and views, or is this just the way he does things in general (pun intended)? If he always insists on doing things his way then it would tell you how it'll be down the road in the future. Food for thought.
d0nnivain Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 Violence is never the answer. You two may simply be fundamentally incompatible. I'm pretty much a prude but the raunchiest of hard core guys I know tone it down around me & I'm not their GF. If you feel that disrespected by his behavior & he's not willing to make an effort to reel it in, perhaps you need to go in search of a man who is more in line with your values.
carhill Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 While slapping went on a lot in old movies, it appears we've moved away from that behavior set as a society in more recent times. How old are you and he? In general, his behavior appears that of a young man who is still developing a sense of social propriety or that of an older man who never learned. In either situation, disciplining him like a child will not produce the desired effect. He needs some males to give him some man to man advice on how grownups act in public, regardless of whether their spouse or partner is around or not. My version of that is to look the man straight in the eye and ask him, sincerely, 'do you think that is an appropriate way to behave?' Men know that we can back up such questions with far more than a slap so it gets their attention. Your approach? 'I feel disrespected and demeaned when you speak to other women in this way, whether in my presence or outside of it. Please don't do it' If he doesn't respect your very reasonable boundaries in this crucial area of relationship dynamics, then, as our MC opined so wisely, you have a decision to make. Exclude slapping from that decision. Good luck.
Johnson1 Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 My long term boyfriend is a great guy but has a raunchy/lewd sort of humor when we are with his woman/man group of friends. I have expressed my comfort to him about making sexual comments to his woman friends before while I am around but he says it is whom he is (although he will try and tame it) At a gathering the other night he made a comment to a woman in the group about pulling down her pants and showing him a birthmark on her behind while I was sitting right beside him. I didn't like it and my first reaction was to give him a little flick and a look. To which he replied with giving me a little flick back. My first reaction was to slap him, and I immediately regretted it and apologized profusely afterward. However I can tell he is still upset about the incident. I told him that such comments are not appropriate to other woman when his long term girlfriend is around but he says he was just joking/that's whom he is and he meant no harm. However I can tell he is still upset about the slap and quite frankly Im still upset at being disrespected/embarrassed like that when he sees no harm in joking this way How do I approach this situation? Guys only joke around like that if they find the woman attractive. That in of itself should concern you. Frankly, he had it coming. Maybe next time he'll think twice before flirting with another woman like that in front of you.
Author splinter Posted November 17, 2013 Author Posted November 17, 2013 I immediately regretted slapping him and felt very unclassy for doing so. The majority of his friends are girlfriendless and I feel this is a big part of it, as they're all lewd when together with a group of women friends, however he is the only non-single one. He thinks I should avoid these gatherings if his comments to these women bother me, I feel like that is a slap in the face in and of itself. He thinks he is just part of the gang having a laugh Were in our mid-twenties by the way
MidwestUSA Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 I don't condone violence, but I would have slapped him too, and then dumped him. He outright disrespects you, even tho you made it clear that it made you uncomfortable. He's not going to change, slap or no slap.
carhill Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 IMO, reflective of his age, he'll learn, either through a relationship like this one, or the school of hard knocks, that there's a time and a place for crudity and that just because one's girlfriend-less male friends are being crude doesn't give one license to be that way, especially in front of one's girlfriend. Historically, in my generation, a lot of such crudity went on, especially in my profession, where 'catcalls' were common and still are to this day but, increasingly, social change and lawsuits for toxic work environments have had their effect, spilling over into the social arena. He and his friends can still have a good time and some laughs, at their own expense, showing and telling about their own private 'markings'. Of course, that won't be as much fun as interacting with another female. Yep.
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