Lost every ounce of dignity...wish I could apologise

[gothicrose]

Some of you might have read my previous threads, but for those that haven't the really short version is I treated a guy like rubbish during a brief but intense fling, then the past 6 months refused to let go. He was telling me he had feelings but needed space to work them out, I never gave him that space and it just got progressively worse until I started randomly going over to his place...did it twice recently - last Monday when he said he liked me as a person and had caring feelings/was attracted to me but nothing to make him want to date me, we endrd up with me staying the night after he said it was my choice; stay the night and have some fun or go home...we both knew we would feel awful the next day but i chose to stay anyway, trying to delude myself he still had feelings somewhere buried deep.

I then begged him to come and see me again for a coffee/as friends, he said he would if I left him alone for 3 weeks....then friday night I went to his again and made a total show of myself; as earlier that day I had been stalking his dating website profile and saw he'd been logged into the site 2 nights running; so my stupid justification for going to see him was thatin 3wks time he'd be seeing someone so wouldnt come and see me.

 

I acted a total fool; questioning him about the dating website, him saying it was none of my business but he was thinking of coming off the site again so as not to risk meeting someobne like me he kept saying "the shame is, I do like you" but maintained he wanted nothing more to do with me

I was there for 3 hours and begged him to get on the bed with me (his bed), and cuddle, fully clothed...in the end he did as I just wouldnt leave, even when he threatened to call the police. He drove me home early next morning and again, I forced him to agree to seeing me if i left him alone for 3wks.

 

Today, I logged into the dating website to deactivate myself and saw thay he had deactivated his, which I assume means he's in a relationship or at least met someone he wants to see exclusively.

 

I'm sad that I couldnt be that 'one', but the overriding feeling is I wish I hadnt screwed it up so much that he felt he could never tell me he was seeing someone.

 

If I hadnt acted so badly, we'd have stayed friendly (as he is with a couple of other exes), he would have been able to be honest about his lovelife and id be truly happy for him

 

I DO feel happy for him, the only jealousy type feeling i have is a bit of sadness that its not me and he'll think the same about this new woman that he used to about me.

 

Do you think if I contact him after these 3wks are up, he might either agree to see me or at leat answer his phone so i can apologise and wish him well?

 

Or if not...how do I make peace with the fact I'll never get to speak to him again, and he'll always think this crazy b***h I've been displaying recently is the real me?

[Balzac]

Oh W0W. I can't believe your level of delusion.

[xpaperxcutx]

Yes, you lost your dignity, but do you want to continue living like this, obsessing over someone who cannot make you happy?

 

The reason you act like this is because you believe he's the reason for you for living. Unfortunately, that is a sad excuse.

 

You want to talk about losing your dignity?

 

When I was with my ex, I gave up my hobbies, my friends, my studies lagged, etc.

 

I did what you did- I begged, pleaded, cried, made a fool of myself, and went to his house without his permission. He threatened to take me to the police and threatened to put a restraining order against me.

 

I was crazy and obsessed and I even threatened to kill myself.

 

I'm ashamed of the things I had done, and the only way for me to even gain back my identity was to go NC. Instead of turning to my ex, I went to people who cared about me. They kept me in check so I wouldn't do anything stupid like begging my ex.

 

Imagine yourself in your ex's position- if he was the one begging you and crying his eyes out for you to love him ( which you don't) wouldn't you feel pity? Pity always turns into disgust when someone does not respect your wishes to be left alone. And right now, he's more than disgusted by your behavior; he's wishing he never met you.

 

Let go. The real issue isn't the fact he doesn't love you, it's the fact why you only want him to care and love you back? I assume you have low-esteem because that's what I had. I didn't love myself, i didn't have an identity without him, and I was obsessed.

 

You need help and you need to stop deluding yourself. Whatever it is you thought the both of you had, it's over. Once you can come to that realization you can start healing.

 

I would also like to add the fact that your ex is not a good person to continue to string you along. At least my ex had the decency to cut me off. He didn't want me in his life and he certainly didn't use me for sex.

[gothicrose]

Didnt mean it to sound like I'm expecting him to love me or anything.

 

It hurts that he pities me, is scared by what I might do next, the thought that for a while at leaat, if he takes his new lady back to his house he'll be worried I'll turn up...ive said it before but truly, friday night was the killer. The fact he was ready to phone the police and the only reason he didnt is because he didnt want to get me in trouble (his words) made me realise just how far I'd gone.

 

The reason he gave for the sex thing is we'd argued up to that point, he got so angry and the only way he knew how to relieve it was to "demean" me by having sex, then obviously that made him feel like crap for wanting to be violent and use someone for sex. Ive made him thay way, he says.

 

Now all I want to do is be happy for him and his new relationship, and properly apologise/gain his forgiveness (which I admit is selfish of me) but if I cant do that, how can I ever live with the fact ive done all this, broken him so badly and pushed him way past his limits?

 

I never imagined I could do that to another human being...what does that make me?

[Zahara]

Don't contact him in 3 weeks. What aren't you learning from your mistakes? Everytime you F up, you post asking if in two weeks, three weeks, one month, 6 weeks you can contact and be friends, apologize, wish him well, start a relationship, etc. and everytime you go barging in, you just act bat**** crazy giving the man endless headaches with you. Now, you will see him in school and then find another excuse to break contact. I feel that he should get a restraining order against you to HELP YOU step away from this because you have no sense or dignity to do it for yourself.

 

You were once regretful that he failed his exams because of your behavior and here you are again. What aren't you learning? There are lessons here to be learned. What aren't you seeing? It's as if you are in a clueless fog. No need to apologize because you keep apologizing and doing the same thing over and over again. Your apology means nothing. The only way to fix it and be sincere is to leave him alone. He doesn't need an apology. He needs you to let go. Man has to call the police on you and you still won't leave. It's scary behavior.

 

You keep forcing this man to want and accept you. He doesn't love you. Please accept it.

 

P.S: He probably didn't deactivate but just blocked you on the dating site. You can't see someone's profile if you are blocked.

Edited November 17, 2013 by Zahara

[gothicrose]

You're right, Zahara; he doesnt want or need an apology as long as he gets me out of his life

 

He did actually deactivate his account though, because I set up a free account once I'd deactivated my paid one and he doesnt know the username of the free one (so wouldnt be able to block me).

 

Through the day I've felt less and less bothered about not speaking to him, unless thats just denial and the 'heartache' will kick in later on...I hope not though.

 

I did/do hope that in a few weeks once I've proven I CAN be mature and stay away, then maybe could reconnect as friends/acquaintances, but realistically I suppose I know it would be pointless, as well as the fact I just pushed it too far.

[Minneloa]

The best apology you could give him is simply to leave him alone. Period. Full stop. Done.

[Minneloa]

Also, I will reiterate my suggestion that you seek counseling to figure out why you acted this way and how better to handle these situations in the future (no shaming here; I'm currently seeing a therapist). Otherwise, I fear this pattern will recur, if not with him then with another guy.

[Zahara]

I don't think a few weeks CAN make you mature. This isn't about your maturity. This is about your lack of self-esteem and self-respect. You don't get than after a few weeks of NC. In a few weeks if you contact, you'll exhibit the same patterns again, and you've proven that time and time again. This is who you are, especially when you crave to be validated and accepted. You want to be loved so badly that you'll sacrifice your self-worth for it. What you've done is far from normal. When someone chooses to call the police on you, it's a sign that they're exhausted and repulsed by your behavior. I don't think there's any way to turn that around.

 

Please, if you want your dignity back, go NC and put this all behind you. If any contact should happen, let it come from him. Enough is enough.

Edited November 18, 2013 by Zahara

[melell]

You know what, whatever comes of this, it really doesn't matter.

 

Would you care what a random guy in another country thinks of you? Of course not. Once this is in the past and you have moved on you won't care about how he perceived you, and you wont care about how you acted.

 

To your question, yeah, time will make him less mindful of how you acted in the past. He may have made underlying judgments because of it, but he most likely wont think about your actual actions.

 

Just keep moving on

[GeorgesIsntAtHome]

Well, as opposed to jumping on the bandwagon, I will just go ahead and say that reading though your post I understand where you're coming from..

 

I have never went to a person's place and refused to leave, but I can easily unerstand, unlike what seems like the majority of people here, what could push someone to do it..

 

people, you have to understand that the feeling of love and attachement IS.. NOT... RATIONAL!! Therefore, we try so often to listen to our heart cause we believe there must be a reason for feeling this way, and that THIS ONE PERSON seems like he or she is the only one that can give us that validation

 

I lived through that recently, I am still onfused and hurt, this girl on the rebound played with my feelings and then said we should just be friends and dkissed someone right in front of me, I felt totally trashed, we had a fight and didnt talk to each other, after 2 weeks of NC I felt like I needed closure, we went for a drink and I had it, not only had she never felt anything for me she felt something for another guy...

 

I was crushed, I cried, let it all out, sent her a few texts that I regret telling her that I dont understand her life and what she wants, I texted her for a weekend and then realised that it was doing MORE HARM THAN GOOD and stopped immediatly..

 

You have to learn to let go, this person's love or opinion of you DOES NOT MAKE YOU WHO YOU ARE!! love and attractions are physicals, not logical, you cant change that, ever..

 

I understand where you come from., you are hurt and trying to find an explanation for your feelings, STOP THAT, sometimes it is just not logical, period, you are not the first nor the last person to be confused with that, do yourself a favor and find someone who will love you back!

[Zahara]

Read the OP's history first. There's more to it than just this thread.

[GeorgesIsntAtHome]

May I add that I'm a bit disappointeds in the answer here, this is clearly a person in distress, hurting very bad, confused and you people just slam her on the ground and keep kicking her, she doesnt need to hear that she abnormal just because she is crushed by her feelings, we all did crazy things in the name of love in our lives, thats why forums like this exist, OK she went a bit far, further than a lot of people, but the source of her despair is THE SAME AS ALL OF US... bear with her a little

[Zahara]

Some of us have followed the OP from the beginning. Again, read her history first before you go off. No one said she is abnormal. Her actions are. This is also a man that she's been chasing who physically wanted to beat her and rape her because he was experiencing intense frustration with her. And she has children. And she has been incessantly chasing him. And trust we have been bearing since she started posting. There's a reason why people are being hard on her.

Edited November 18, 2013 by Zahara

[GeorgesIsntAtHome]

Some of us have followed the OP from the beginning. Again, read her history first before you go off. No one said she is abnormal. Her actions are. This is also a man that she's been chasing who physically wanted to beat her and rape her because he was experiencing intense frustration with her. And she has children. And she has been incessantly chasing him. And trust we have been bearing since she started posting. There's a reason why people are being hard on her.

 

I had just read one thread back, yeah I think I'm starting to see what you mean.. sorry about the trigger-happy response

[Mariposa10]

Some of us have followed the OP from the beginning. Again, read her history first before you go off. No one said she is abnormal. Her actions are. This is also a man that she's been chasing who physically wanted to beat her and rape her because he was experiencing intense frustration with her. And she has children. And she has been incessantly chasing him. And trust we have been bearing since she started posting. There's a reason why people are being hard on her.

 

 

Yeah, everybody needs to check her old threads. I'm done commenting anything related to this mess.

 

Good luck, OP.

[gothicrose]

I think the way I was justifying it before was yes I was going to see him 2 days in a row at times, but it wasnt every week. Same for the texting; I'd send him a message and if he didbt reply, not text again until 8 hours later, and I'd hardly ever phone him. I'd also never text constantly again, again and again...thats how I would have defined harassment.

 

BUT I can see now (as you guys told me over and over again) that any contact from me was stressing him out. He asked me for 2 weeks space and I just didnt give it, the amount of times he said to me that he was just starting to feel himself after whatever tiny break I did give him, then I'd contact and he'd be right back to square one.

 

He didnt call the police but was pretty darn close, and it must have killed him as he never wants to get anyone in trouble. Thats what made me look at myself and realise what I'm doing.

 

 

I feel differently now, almost at peace with myself in a way, like he's met someone so thats finally it.

 

If I contacted him, it would be purely to apologise and try and become friends.

 

 

But...whats the point in that anyway? We both have friends already, why go backwards and try and befriend someone when we treated each other appallingly.

 

For the first time Zahara, I read your posts and agreed with everything you said.

 

Usually I'm reading it and seeing your point but thinking "yeah, but..."

 

So I feel I have made progress.

[Zahara]

With all your threads, the advice has been consistent and unanimous. The only inconsistent has been your behavior, your actions and your thought pattern. That should be enough to tell you that it's time for you to change what you've been doing because what you've been doing before, hasn't been working.

 

It has taken you these many threads, posts and the complete degradation of your integrity and self-respect, to now only agree with the advice given without rebutting. That isn't progress. That's just you coming to a point of no return because you've exhausted all efforts to make this man want you.

 

If you want to gauge progress, let it be from you ability to stick to NC.

[Shaine]

You are just pushing away. Instead of missing you, you will just annoy him. If you apologize, you will just remind him or make him realize that it's your fault, that you have a problem.

 

Best if you leave him for 1 month, so he'll realize whats he's missing