beach Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 Have you written out a thorough 4th step yet? Have you included the harms done area in your work?
HopingAgain Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 Not sure how this thread got made into a discussion of AA but anyway, back to the original topic. Asked MM today how things were on the suspicion front, at home. He said "Your name has not been mentioned but she is keeping a close eye on me. Found her with my phone this morning." His phone is clean, he makes sure of that. And luckily, we haven't been able to see each other since Monday because we're both busy. We did have a tryst today and probably another one tomorrow. Now, for those who think I am pining my life away for MM, I am not. I do date, but don't tell him about it (he doesn't want to know) More importantly, I have an End Date selected and have had one for awhile. It is March 1st and it is perfect date for many reasons. I'm sure at this point you must realize this is s game to him. "How long can I stay one step ahead of her before she catches me?" He is enjoying this. Doesnt sound like you are though, which will prove doubly true when she catches him. For your sake, hope your end date comes before that!
Snipercatt Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 Solo, I'm keeping you in my thoughts. Be mindful and stay safe.
Author solostand Posted November 24, 2013 Author Posted November 24, 2013 I have begun to notice a couple of negative things thanks to this forum. Last week, when we discussing his wife's suspicions, I said "so how are we gonna take the heat off?" He said "Well, I suppose I could screw her, but I don't know how i'd manage to get it up! I did not notice right away but on the way home, it was a slap in the face. I mean this is his wife whom he has been married to for 35 years. I know he was getting it up in May, which is the last time I asked if he had sex with her. But mainly I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT INFORMATION. IT IS INSULTING TO HER. If he ever says anything like that about his wife again I plan to let loose on how he should respect her and I don't want to hear it. He also recently said something about how she is 60 pounds overweight so its hard to get attracted - - -your problem, not mine. I've also notice that I don't get nearly as excited in advance of seeing him. I used to be up shaving and powerdering and cleaning my apartment, now I somethings think "what a pain".
yellowmaverick Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 I have begun to notice a couple of negative things thanks to this forum. Last week, when we discussing his wife's suspicions, I said "so how are we gonna take the heat off?" He said "Well, I suppose I could screw her, but I don't know how i'd manage to get it up! I did not notice right away but on the way home, it was a slap in the face. I mean this is his wife whom he has been married to for 35 years. I know he was getting it up in May, which is the last time I asked if he had sex with her. But mainly I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT INFORMATION. IT IS INSULTING TO HER. If he ever says anything like that about his wife again I plan to let loose on how he should respect her and I don't want to hear it. He also recently said something about how she is 60 pounds overweight so its hard to get attracted - - -your problem, not mine. I've also notice that I don't get nearly as excited in advance of seeing him. I used to be up shaving and powerdering and cleaning my apartment, now I somethings think "what a pain". Seriously? After all of the revolting behavior that you have posted about what you two have done to the BS ....NOW you are concerned about insulting her??? At least be honest...You made this post for the sole purpose of insulting her. What's the matter...is loverboy becoming bored? 1
Author solostand Posted November 24, 2013 Author Posted November 24, 2013 No I made to point out that I am noticing negatives statements about his wife and I do not like. And no loverboy is not losing his interest. He is as keen as ever. Can't believe such luck has happened to him.
beach Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 Now you're hearing his words match his actions? You didn't think his actions were disrespecting her all along? 1
KathyM Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 If he ever says anything like that about his wife again I plan to let loose on how he should respect her and I don't want to hear it. Don't bother reprimanding him on this. He is already disrespecting his wife in the worst way by having the affair, and you are enabling him to do it and disrespecting his wife as well. For you to complain about his negative comments about her would just be hypocritical under the circumstances. If you really cared about him respecting his wife, you wouldn't be engaging in an affair with him. 2
krazikat Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 Solo, could you do something for me? A little exercise, if you will. Think about your closest female friend. Really think about her, why is she such a good friend? Think of how much you care about her. Think of the top 5 favorite times with her...write them down. Now think of as many times as you can where she was hurt by something, illness, heartbreak, death in the family, job loss, etc. Write them all down. Now imagine this close friend who you love dearly is involved in a relationship like yours with mm. What would you honestly think about that? What advice would you give her?
Author solostand Posted November 24, 2013 Author Posted November 24, 2013 Dump him of course. . .find a single boy why you still can. I am taking my time but getting to my end while noticing lack of respect) not for me, for the woman has has been married to 35 years and has had two children with. Its like he has no respect for all and a strong resentment. which are none of my biz.
yellowmaverick Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 No I made to point out that I am noticing negatives statements about his wife and I do not like. And no loverboy is not losing his interest. He is as keen as ever. Can't believe such luck has happened to him. Yep...just as I thought.
whichwayisup Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 Dump him of course. . .find a single boy why you still can. I am taking my time but getting to my end while noticing lack of respect) not for me, for the woman has has been married to 35 years and has had two children with. Its like he has no respect for all and a strong resentment. which are none of my biz. It is your business actually. If he can treat his wife like this after 35 years of marriage, the woman who gave birth to their children, don't you think that someday he'll treat you the same way? If you think no, what makes you more special than his wife? If you think yes, then you need to take a bigger step back and ask yourself why you're really with him. If she is as suspicious as she appears to be, and he is truly unhappy in the marriage, why isn't he just admitting it and coming clean? Leave and file for divorce? Now is his opportunity! 1
beach Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 Sounds like you both have resentments that need to be addressed and worked through. Do you know which one was the cause of your drinking again? After all those years sober what did you hand all of your power to that caused you to choose checking out?
Author solostand Posted November 24, 2013 Author Posted November 24, 2013 Because he's passive aggressive. He'd rather the atomic bomb that talking to his wife. I remember when he and i were just good friends, no ea or pe, he said "My wife have to divorce me if i comes to it. I won't differce her." A think a lot of men are passive like this, wait to get caught, then get their needs me.
beach Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 Because he's passive aggressive. He'd rather the atomic bomb that talking to his wife. I remember when he and i were just good friends, no ea or pe, he said "My wife have to divorce me if i comes to it. I won't differce her." A think a lot of men are passive like this, wait to get caught, then get their needs me. What about you Solo? Ask yourself how you are participating? Take a look at the harms done area of your self reflection - harm to self - harm to others? You can only change YOURSELF. Not him... No benefit in focusing on his deficiencies.
beach Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 Because he's passive aggressive. He'd rather the atomic bomb that talking to his wife. I remember when he and i were just good friends, no ea or pe, he said "My wife have to divorce me if i comes to it. I won't differce her." A think a lot of men are passive like this, wait to get caught, then get their needs me. A LOT of men aren't like this - only the unhealthy men are. Find healthy men around you.
Author solostand Posted November 24, 2013 Author Posted November 24, 2013 Sounds like you both have resentments that need to be addressed and worked through. Do you know which one was the cause of your drinking again? After all those years sober what did you hand all of your power to that caused you to choose checking out? Easy. I had stopped going to A.A. I was on a date with this guy, he ordered a beer, asked me if I wanted one to, I was tired of explaining why I don't, so I said "sure!" Easy as that. If you read the Book you'll read many strories like that. Within three months my life was more or less destroyed. I have been sober four years.
beach Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 Easy. I had stopped going to A.A. I was on a date with this guy, he ordered a beer, asked me if I wanted one to, I was tired of explaining why I don't, so I said "sure!" Easy as that. If you read the Book you'll read many strories like that. Within three months my life was more or less destroyed. I have been sober four years. You could really benefit from solid step work... I hope you will work through your resentments that cause you to drink.
threelaurels Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 Its like he has no respect for all and a strong resentment. For MM, I think the affair actually has very little to do with you. I think his wife finally put her foot down and stopped enabling his self-destructive tendencies. The affair not only provides him with someone who will enable him but also with a way to "get back" at his wife. When D-Day comes, it will either be the final straw for her, or she will revert back to codependency in order to keep him. I don't think your MM is, or ever will be, capable of sustaining a healthy, non-dysfunctional relationship. From what you have told us, he just sounds gross. 1
AlwaysGrowing Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 I fully believe that if you end it, you will be in a much better place emotionally..instead of this looming Dday. Instead of waiting to see what the MM will do or not do...you will have control in your life. A better head space. You decided. You. Not him. You. I believe with that one act....you will gather strength that you can build on. strength that came from within, so it is real and oh so powerful. Stop letting substances or people dictate the health of your life.
Author solostand Posted November 24, 2013 Author Posted November 24, 2013 For MM, I think the affair actually has very little to do with you. I think his wife finally put her foot down and stopped enabling his self-destructive tendencies. The affair not only provides him with someone who will enable him but also with a way to "get back" at his wife. When D-Day comes, it will either be the final straw for her, or she will revert back to codependency in order to keep him. I don't think your MM is, or ever will be, capable of sustaining a healthy, non-dysfunctional relationship. From what you have told us, he just sounds gross. Well I think on my end its just its hidden allure as king of wearing off. . .I may get sick of all before DD or my end date. This man has never had an affair so I think he's actually a little over his heard. He did have one one stand and his wife found the number in the phone, looked it up, and made a visit to one night stand. So I'm sure would be visiting me. She is no shrinking violet.
Author solostand Posted November 24, 2013 Author Posted November 24, 2013 One other thing that I noticedly recently - because he told me it as a story. His doctor called and then MM where his wife was. MM said she was walking the dog. Doc asked why MM wasnt her. MM said because I don't have a wide fat ass to walk off! Now, the way I see it, you should love your spouse no matter what they look like. Its very common for women to gain weight after menopause. I saw his BS and she was a little overweight but nothing out of ordinary. Because, he's no Jack LaLane. He is a 64 year old man. Well I think he doesn't look that old but no matter. Hi skin is getting wrinkled, things fall, I seen his naked body and there are enough scars on it make a tattoo. I hope eh deosn't hassle her at home about that.
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 I'll bet he doesn't speak to her like that at home...it's all false bravado because the truth is that he is a coward.
Iguanna Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 They have split up before and have had many rocky times in their marriage, so I am not the only problem. I came to this thread following the new one you have made to understand your situation better and I got stuck on this sentence. Exactly THIS thought is what all OW have. "They have had problems before me so I'm just adding one more, no big deal." I won't judge or show you the moral way bla bla, I'm sure many people in your real life and more in this forum have done already. I'll just indicate the irrationality of this sentence. I will give an edgy example for you to understand what I'm saying. Lets say you happen to be in a murder scene, you see a wounded person in front of you having been hit with a knife 10 times, he's still alive. You take the knife and give him another hit which does not kill him. The police catches the man who did this and he catches you too. You tell them "well he had some hits before I arrived at the scene so I didn't do anything worse to him". Do you think the police will say "oh yeah you are right, he was wounded anyway so you didn't do any harm, you can go, have a nice day"? No. They will convict you as well, for this one hit you did. What I'm trying to say is, you are not less guilty for doing the 11th harm or being the 11th problem in his marriage. This idea you have is hypocritical and shows me you don't have a great realization of what happens around you and how your actions influence other people. This was only to make some people think, I'm not pointing fingers or blaming anyone, everyone is guilty from his/her side, everyone should be responsible for his/her actions and reactions and how they handle their lives. We can't blame others cause our lives may suck forever. One day we will have to accept that we are responsible as well (or even more) for having let others making our lives a mess.
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