D-day on the way?

[Sub]

I do believe he loves me. I know he does. We have talked about it all ad naseum during the last year.

 

You've talked about it. What has he DONE to make you believe it?

[Snipercatt]

I offered to end the affair to stop the suspicion. Absolutely not. He does not seem the slightest bit concerned, while I have a pounding chest all the time.

 

Comeon Solo, you're better than this.

 

1.) Stop the drama about ending the affair. You didn't want to end it when you said it and you wanted him to tell you "no way". Don't be insincere in the things that you think and say. You could have established the boundary of being discreet without ending something you have no desire to end.

 

2.) As to the pounding in your chest? You are ignoring what your mind, body and heart are trying to tell you. It isn't good for your health and you may be elevating your blood pressure, besides. Have you shared this with MM? If you have and his response is to be not the slightest bit concerned, then YOU have a problem. You have a man that doesn't care about your discomfort, or the anxiety he may be causing you!!! Just as he disregards how his wife will feel knowing that he had you right in her face!

 

Listen, your MM's attitude doesn't indicate that he is capable of empathy. Quite the opposite. That can make for a very nasty personality when things aren't as he wants them.

 

There are no many stories here about what happens if there is a Dday. And, there are stories where the MP and OP were blatantly disrespecting the BS. You can expect that the BS will cast you as the villian. In this instance she was expressing love for this man just a couple of weeks ago. She is starting to be suspicious and she is indicating that she doesn't like it. These would normally be indicators that she still cares for MM.

 

You need to think very hard about what you stand to lose if she decides to make you the public and evident culprit. That's what you need to stand up for. That's what you need to defend. Tell your MM exactly what you need in order for your chest not to be pounding all the time.

 

It's crazy to be worried about VARs being in the car, etc. Take control of your surroundings. You can demand that the two of you only meet where you know she doesn't have access to the site. If you were worried there was a VAR in the car and you talked, anyway, you either, secretly, hoped she'd hear what you were talking about or you have an unhealthy self-esteem that you didn't demand to talk elsewhere. Be careful hoping that there is a Dday because this BS may want to take you down and may choose to let her husband off fairly easily. You may end up suffering losses and he moves on as if nothing happened. He certainly is showing signs that he is capable, and willing, to do so. Communities can be very hard on the OP.

[HopingAgain]

Comeon Solo, you're better than this.

 

1.) Stop the drama about ending the affair. You didn't want to end it when you said it and you wanted him to tell you "no way". Don't be insincere in the things that you think and say. You could have established the boundary of being discreet without ending something you have no desire to end.

 

2.) As to the pounding in your chest? You are ignoring what your mind, body and heart are trying to tell you. It isn't good for your health and you may be elevating your blood pressure, besides. Have you shared this with MM? If you have and his response is to be not the slightest bit concerned, then YOU have a problem. You have a man that doesn't care about your discomfort, or the anxiety he may be causing you!!! Just as he disregards how his wife will feel knowing that he had you right in her face!

 

Listen, your MM's attitude doesn't indicate that he is capable of empathy. Quite the opposite. That can make for a very nasty personality when things aren't as he wants them.

 

There are no many stories here about what happens if there is a Dday. And, there are stories where the MP and OP were blatantly disrespecting the BS. You can expect that the BS will cast you as the villian. In this instance she was expressing love for this man just a couple of weeks ago. She is starting to be suspicious and she is indicating that she doesn't like it. These would normally be indicators that she still cares for MM.

 

You need to think very hard about what you stand to lose if she decides to make you the public and evident culprit. That's what you need to stand up for. That's what you need to defend. Tell your MM exactly what you need in order for your chest not to be pounding all the time.

 

It's crazy to be worried about VARs being in the car, etc. Take control of your surroundings. You can demand that the two of you only meet where you know she doesn't have access to the site. If you were worried there was a VAR in the car and you talked, anyway, you either, secretly, hoped she'd hear what you were talking about or you have an unhealthy self-esteem that you didn't demand to talk elsewhere. Be careful hoping that there is a Dday because this BS may want to take you down and may choose to let her husband off fairly easily. You may end up suffering losses and he moves on as if nothing happened. He certainly is showing signs that he is capable, and willing, to do so. Communities can be very hard on the OP.

 

Very well said. I think the wife already pretty much knows shes just atheringg evidence now. When she does lower the boom, I suspect it will be on Solos head more than MM. MM is gonna be busy driving the bus that runs Solo over!

[Yayo]

 

2.) As to the pounding in your chest? You are ignoring what your mind, body and heart are trying to tell you. It isn't good for your health and you may be elevating your blood pressure

 

yes yes yes. the stress will KILL you.

 

 

how long have you guys been together, solo?

[Snipercatt]

Solo, we cross posted.

 

maybe I'm living in fairyland where I am the beautiful princess who will be rescued by daddy on a white steed and the pesky wife will realize she wanted a divorce all along anyway.

 

Yep, you're in lalaland! She has showed, and is showing, that she cares for her husband. Even if she wants a divorce, in the end, she may ride it out long enough to make your life miserable because she won't give you what you want and her husband isn't about to do it for himself.

 

If Daddy-O were going to ride in on the white steed, on average, that would have already happened, about 6 months ago.

 

 

Although everyone here sees horns on his head, he is actually a well liked and well respected member of the community who has a huge charitable side.

 

 

Oh, for Pete's sake, I live in this guy's kind of world. He sounds like an egotist, plain and simple. This is a fellow that needs LOTS of external validation. Just because someone is financially charitable doesn't mean that they are emotionally charitable. Certainly he's shown that he isn't emotionally charitable.

 

If you have enough money to live on writing a check requires very little energy, or commitment, yet yields lots of aggrandizement, and a tax deduction. It isn't necessarily a sign of being charitable.

[experiencethedevine]

Is this the advice you would give to a person if they came in for a 'counseling session's?

 

Even professionals are entitled to their opinion outside of their work.

[experiencethedevine]

He seems to think she'll throw him out. I'm not so sure, although I think when she finds out the length and extent of it she might.

 

I know she will be very very angry, and she is no shrinking violet. I know she will demand answers from me and I will tell the truth.

 

They have split up before and have had many rocky times in their marriage, so I am not the only problem.

 

He has enough means to get his own place but will he want to be with me? Yes. He is in love with me.

 

And no, he is not in poor health. He is 100 per cent recovered from his recent health crisis and is very healthy.

 

In some ways I think his near-death experience moved him towards me, he certainly is acting closer to me, as in why not be with the one you love?

 

Yet you stated your surprise that he had been given permission to leave the hospital recently for respite?

[Owl]

Well obviously I'm weak since the longest NC I've been able to manage in the past 12 months is four days.

 

I don't know, maybe I'm living in fairyland where I am the beautiful princess who will be rescued by daddy on a white steed and the pesky wife will realize she wanted a divorce all along anyway.

 

Sounds like it. In truth, she doesn't sound like she's just going to up and walk away or turn a blind eye if he IS cheating. She sounds very invested in him, and their marriage.

 

I am very attached to this man, and I also do love him. I do not want to give him up he has become a major part of my life. Although everyone here sees horns on his head, he is actually a well liked and well respected member of the community who has a huge charitable side.

 

Right. And do you think they'd feel the same way if they'd seen him lie to his wife the way that you have? If they were aware of how skillfully he's pulled this affair off, and how blithely he acts about the way she's likely to react when it comes out in the open?

 

I do believe he loves me. I know he does. We have talked about it all ad naseum during the last year.

 

That could well be...but what does that really CHANGE in this situation? How does that really affect the overall situation, or the likely outcomes??? REALLY?

 

If he's as successful and well-respected as you claim...does he love you enough to face the public shame he's likely to generate when the affair comes out? Do you? What if he publicly throws you under the bus? Calls the whole thing a big mistake that he's horribly ashamed of...will it matter then if you know privately that he loved you, when everyone else is viewing this in a drastically different manner?

 

You need to get out of Lala-land, and start prepping for some real world consequences.

[experiencethedevine]

Well obviously I'm weak since the longest NC I've been able to manage in the past 12 months is four days.

 

I don't know, maybe I'm living in fairyland where I am the beautiful princess who will be rescued by daddy on a white steed and the pesky wife will realize she wanted a divorce all along anyway.

 

I am very attached to this man, and I also do love him. I do not want to give him up he has become a major part of my life. Although everyone here sees horns on his head, he is actually a well liked and well respected member of the community who has a huge charitable side.

 

I do believe he loves me. I know he does. We have talked about it all ad naseum during the last year.

 

 

I would go so far as to guarantee that this will no longer be the case when his wife publicly burns him at the stake, and from what I have seen written here by you, I would also categorically state that despite what your lover is telling you, she is almost ready..................

 

He is highly likely to turn tail like the dog he is, leaving BOTH of you coughing through the dust...................

[Snipercatt]

everyone here sees horns on his head

,

 

I don't think his head is where his horns are at.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

.

 

I don't know, maybe I'm living in fairyland where I am the beautiful princess who will be rescued by daddy on a white steed and the pesky wife will realize she wanted a divorce all along anyway.

 

 

yes. fairyland.

 

And 'Daddy'???

 

And yes, how 'pesky' is that wife now that she's becoming suspicious. I mean, really, who does she think she is? His wife or something??

[whichwayisup]

How is his wife pesky? You yourself said that you felt empathy for her not too long ago, seeing and hearing that she's taking care of her husband. Your tone towards her softened. What happened? What changed that?

I don't know, maybe I'm living in fairyland where I am the beautiful princess who will be rescued by daddy on a white steed and the pesky wife will realize she wanted a divorce all along anyway.

 

Interesting choice in words - You see him as stable, older and a father figure. ? Why not say knight in shining armour, or prince?

 

I actually do hope you two end up together. It seems his wife would be better off without him in the long run.

[solostand]

I was being sarcastic towards myself when I called her pesky wife. I didn't mean to call her, personally, the pesky wife.

 

I am very aware that she has strong feelings for him. I have heard about it from him and seen it during the past few weeks.

 

The problem is, he no longer has strong feelings for her. At some point, he fell out of love with her. Before I even came along.

 

Before we even started our affair or even considered having one, he told me he was no longer in love with his wife. He told me that he felt his marriage had died of neglect years ago. He told me that he didn't think he actually loved her when he married her.

 

 

 

Later he told me he never experienced this kind of love. He is amazed by it daily. He asks if other people actually feel like this too.

 

And yes I called him daddy on purpose. He is and has been like a father figure to me in a lot of ways. He's been there for me many times. . .

[will-ow]

I am very aware that she has strong feelings for him. I have heard about it from him <snip>

 

The problem is, he no longer has strong feelings for her. At some point, he fell out of love with her. Before I even came along.

with the best will in the world, you don't know any of this because you only have the word of a proven liar to go on.

Before we even started our affair or even considered having one, he told me he was no longer in love with his wife. He told me that he felt his marriage had died of neglect years ago.

And yet he has chosen to stay in that marriage. If it was that dead, why hasn't he done anything about it yet?

 

I'm sorry but he sounds to me like a classic cake-eater telling you what you want to hear, nothing more, nothing less.

[jlola]

Solo,

 

It seems both are you are driving the train into a wall.

No matter how much advice is given,some people have to actually feel the consequences. "Danger Ahead" means nothing,warnings are ignored.

 

Your MM is not a good person. What you fail to understand when you say others see him as good and charitable is that toxic people can put up an amazing "persona" to the public. I was raised with such a person. Amazing to see how so few people cannot see behind the mask, regardless to the bad behavior he may exhibit since he always blames others.

 

Have you ever watched the news and seen how neighbors and friends describe someone who has done something horrific(especially to family). They all talk about how good a person he was.Church going,charitable. What a pilar of the community. But behind closed doors and to his own family, he is horrible and disrespectful.

 

These types are charming and only when they fully have you will you see what is behind the mask. Well, actually you have seen what is behind the mask. Selfish,egotistical,manipulative,lying. But you do not care because he is not doing this to YOU. But as someone said, this is his character. he has it in him to be this cruel to a woman who has loved and cared for him through tough times. Bad sign!

 

People fall out of love all the time, some marriages should never have been. This is why there is divorce. This man could have left years ago. But he stayed for his own selfish reasons. I would bet you are not his first affair. Men of his character always feel entitled.

 

If he does leave his wife for you, you will live your life on an emotional rollercoaster. It will be exiting as he craves that sort of buzz. But it will be draining. He will age you and take any sort of youth and beauty and emotional health you have left. It will be sucked out of you. In 5 years, you will wish you were not this addicted or stubborn in heeding advice. But like his wife you will sacrifice yourself for him since he knows the right things to say to keep your addiction to him alive.

[solostand]

I asked him way back when why he stayed married.

 

He did not want to be alone. And he was afraid he would end up alone.

[Snipercatt]

Solo, let's address what you KNOW.

 

You know this man is a vile, disgusting, serial cheating pig.

 

You know that you two are not practicing healthy sobriety. You know that you two have exchanged alcohol addiction for using each other. You continue to escalate unhealthy dependencies.

 

You know this isn't healthy.

 

Your misery is of your own making.

[jlola]

So now he does not seem to care if his wife is afraid of being alone or WILL be alone?

 

As I said, he is selfish, Selfish people think of their own needs. Their own satisfaction. Rarely seeing the damage they leave behind. Look Solo, he loves you now. I understand. But his lack of respect to the wife, the pubic flaunting of the affair, the fact she may find out and he does not seem to care seems excessively cruel and inhumane. He does not have to conduct this affair in this way. He will add so much pain to this already painful situation by making her a public fool. By lying to when she questioned him about you,AFTER he made you both sit together by his side at hospital to feed his ego.I just do not understand what is going on in his head or heart. Actually I do, "It's all about ME"!!!

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Yep. MM is a pig.

 

What a prize.

[truthbetold]

So now he does not seem to care if his wife is afraid of being alone or WILL be alone?

 

As I said, he is selfish, Selfish people think of their own needs. Their own satisfaction. Rarely seeing the damage they leave behind. Look Solo, he loves you now. I understand. But his lack of respect to the wife, the pubic flaunting of the affair, the fact she may find out and he does not seem to care seems excessively cruel and inhumane. He does not have to conduct this affair in this way. He will add so much pain to this already painful situation by making her a public fool. By lying to when she questioned him about you,AFTER he made you both sit together by his side at hospital to feed his ego.I just do not understand what is going on in his head or heart. Actually I do, "It's all about ME"!!!

 

Clearly right?!

 

Solo, I don't get what you get out of this either. It's not love. Perhaps to you it is, and that's sad. Everyone is right, you're not feeling or getting the bad side yet so you think you never will. Why is it the majority of people all all side can see how manipulative he is, yet you wear blinders?

 

It's also sad you see yourself as needing rescuing. How about steering your own ship? Being a strong woman? Indeed you are set on your path to destruction, it's obvious to everyone but you. I doubt after this many years, she's just going to walk away. And him at his age to start over? A man as wussy as he (doesn't want to be alone, oh boo hoo) isn't about to LOSE assets. Think Solo, you say you have it together in other areas of life.

 

If he does leave, he will go running back. He wouldn't be waiting for her to "find out" and bust him if he was going to leave. He'd be proclaiming from the rooftops the love he supposedly feels. The way you've described yourself in this, I think you are going to be destroyed. Maybe that's what it will take to help you to grow stronger.

[lace5262]

I asked him way back when why he stayed married.

 

He did not want to be alone. And he was afraid he would end up alone.

 

Well now you're there to keep 'daddy' from being/ending up alone. Why's he still married?

[whatatangledweb]

Is part of the reason you don't end it is because he helps you out with money? A d-day is going to happen. He will not leave his wife after ..what 30 years? She will make him end the affair. I'm sorry but I don't believe your fairytale is going to come true. I'm afraid you are going to be hurt .

[whichwayisup]

I was being sarcastic towards myself when I called her pesky wife. I didn't mean to call her, personally, the pesky wife.

 

Thanks for clearing that up.

 

The problem is, he no longer has strong feelings for her. At some point, he fell out of love with her. Before I even came along.

Is she aware of this? If not, why not? That is, if he told you his reasons why he hasn't communicated this to her.

 

Before we even started our affair or even considered having one, he told me he was no longer in love with his wife. He told me that he felt his marriage had died of neglect years ago. He told me that he didn't think he actually loved her when he married her.

 

How nice that he did nothing about it. Didn't do counseling, didn't talk to her, and fact that he married her in the first place seems like he's lived a big lie. Very sad..She's wasted her life on someone who doesn't love her or respect her.

 

Wonder why he stuck around. Why didn't he just divorce years ago.

 

Later he told me he never experienced this kind of love. He is amazed by it daily. He asks if other people actually feel like this too.

 

Affair love in a bubble is not the same as a regular relationship love or marriage.

 

And yes I called him daddy on purpose. He is and has been like a father figure to me in a lot of ways. He's been there for me many times. . .

So on some level you don't see him as your equal. I could be wrong but seeing someone the way you see him sets up a parent/child dynamic, it may be there now and neither of you are aware of it.

[bentleychic]

I fear you are going to end up thrown under the bus and then have the bus backed over you a time or two. This sounds like a big game to the MM to you. You AND BS sound like you are two pawns in his game and he's thoroughly enjoying playing you against each other to get his kicks. It's disgusting, quite frankly and I think you AND the BS are going to suffer from it in the end. He won't leave his wife. He will throw you under the bus. He MAY come back and try to have an affair underground with you, I believe, but I don't think it will last long before the BS suspects again and blows the roof off.

 

I'm not a psychic (much), just have a strong gut instinct on this one.

[beach]

What is the meeting that you both go to most mornings?