D-day on the way?

[solostand]

So as some of you are aware, my MM was in hospital for three weeks. During that time I went to visit him, and once his wife was there so I visited with his wife in the room.

 

He is out now, just got out, and yesterday is the first time we made love in weeks. It is true, it is an addiction. I was on a high all day.

 

So anyway, on Canada Day, which is the equivalent to fourth of July, he took me to his hometown, a very small village, and spent hours introducing me to people et cetera.

 

Later, a man from that village saw him crossing the street to my house. He asked him where he was going and MM said to see a friend. The man said "The same one you had on Canada Day?" and MM said yes.

 

Three days ago, the same man asked him who was the woman in the hospital with the curtain pulled calling him Sweetie. Turns out MM's roomate was a relative of this man. He asked if it was the same woman he had on Canada Day and MM said yes.

 

This morning, MM drops on me that his wife has been raising my name. She asked if I was at the meeting yesterday and she asked if I was going to be at the meeting today.

 

She then said "Am I going to have to start investigating you".

 

Now MM is just shrugging this off, not a bit concerned, telling me not to worry. He just says if we get caught, it will be very expensive.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Yes, there is no question she is very suspicious or she wouldn't be asking those questions.

 

And you know what? He is really clueless as to how this will play out.

[Snipercatt]

Solostand, I think your Dday has already happened. What I mean by that is that enough people have seen you together and have put one and one together. Those discoveries are already in the works and can't be negated. You can go DEEP underground and hope that nothing new adds to the existing evidence.

[solostand]

I kind of agree but he won't change a thing. We're meeting tomorrow morning as usual, we met this morning, yesterday morning.

 

Its like he doesn't care or wants to get caught.

[Snipercatt]

Or, he is egotistical. Or feels arrogantly entitled. Or considers himself smarter than the average philanderer. Or thinks he can talk his way out of anything. Or he's a maniac who gets off on the thrill.

 

The fact that his wife asks whether she needs to have him investigated presumes that she cares enough to do that. If she didn't care she wouldn't mention it. Her reaction and choices upon disvovery aren't predictable and his life could be subject to abrupt change.

 

Obviously he likes his life exactly the way it is which negates the thought that he doesn't "care" if he get's caught, or that he "wants" to get caught.

 

Regardless, what are the predictable consequences to you if there's a Dday? You have a say in how you two conduct yourselves.

[experiencethedevine]

The imbecile does not care if he is caught. He thinks he is above all that. I thought you had developed a moral conscience. Obviously not...........

[blue963]

I dont know the situation that well, other than what you have shared. But one thing did cross my mind. He is older than you. Is there a possibility that she would make him leave and in the back of his mind he feels that he can move in with you? Is this something that you would want on a permanent basis.

[whichwayisup]

I dont know the situation that well, other than what you have shared. But one thing did cross my mind. He is older than you. Is there a possibility that she would make him leave and in the back of his mind he feels that he can move in with you? Is this something that you would want on a permanent basis.

 

This is a good possibility, even more so since he has extreme health issues going on.

 

I think all that she's done for him, caring for him and you've seen and heard firsthand HOW many family members care about him too, that when she finds out (only a matter of time) she's gonna kick him out and tell him "Go to her". Many BS's actually do this, they don't cry and beg, get down on their knees and fall apart. She is gonna feel like a total fool too. Loving him, looking after him during his health crisis over and over again - She may be happy to rid of him and hand him over to you. You can look after him and have all the yucky stuff, not just the fun and sex, happy moments.

 

Good luck S. This is an impending emotional ripping bomb that's going to do a lot of damage to their family and tear people apart.

[whereamigoing]

It does sound as though your DDay has already happened or will be very soon. The best thing to do now, in my experience, would be to discuss what will happen with your MM if/when one happens. Get your ducks in a row. If it doesn't happen than you'll be prepared in case it does. Make sure yo come up with your own plan in case his actual response is not what uou had discussed. Good luck!

[KathyM]

What kind of a man so callously disrespects his wife who just a week ago was crying at his bedside, so tormented that her husband was hospitalized? Why would you want this sociopath who could lie and deceive so brazenly? I wish you would see him for what he is, and want someone better for yourself. I hope he does have a Dday and his wife throws him out. You would be wise to leave him as well. Surely you can do better than this poor excuse for a man. I'm guessing that he is not keeping you under wraps anymore because he thinks if he is open about your "friendship", that people will think he has nothing to hide. Because the wife's friend at the hospital witnessed/overheard something that appeared as more than just a friendship, the man is bringing you out in the open to reduce suspicion, and trying to pass you off as just a friend. Maybe you ladies will both get lucky, and his strategy will blow up in his face. One can only hope.

[solostand]

He seems to think she'll throw him out. I'm not so sure, although I think when she finds out the length and extent of it she might.

 

I know she will be very very angry, and she is no shrinking violet. I know she will demand answers from me and I will tell the truth.

 

They have split up before and have had many rocky times in their marriage, so I am not the only problem.

 

He has enough means to get his own place but will he want to be with me? Yes. He is in love with me.

 

And no, he is not in poor health. He is 100 per cent recovered from his recent health crisis and is very healthy.

 

In some ways I think his near-death experience moved him towards me, he certainly is acting closer to me, as in why not be with the one you love?

[yellowmaverick]

He seems to think she'll throw him out. I'm not so sure, although I think when she finds out the length and extent of it she might.

 

I know she will be very very angry, and she is no shrinking violet. I know she will demand answers from me and I will tell the truth.

 

They have split up before and have had many rocky times in their marriage, so I am not the only problem.

 

He has enough means to get his own place but will he want to be with me? Yes. He is in love with me.

 

And no, he is not in poor health. He is 100 per cent recovered from his recent health crisis and is very healthy.

 

In some ways I think his near-death experience moved him towards me, he certainly is acting closer to me, as in why not be with the one you love?

 

Sounds like you two are a perfect match and you have the benefit of each of you knowing exactly what you are getting.

[threelaurels]

And no, he is not in poor health. He is 100 per cent recovered from his recent health crisis and is very healthy.

 

I was under the impression from your posts that he had some type of major operation fairly recently. The reality is that the older you are, the less able your body is to fully recover from any kind of major operation. Without knowing what kind of operation he had, it is difficult to guess what will happen, but most operations tend to cause a "standard" set of expected complications.

 

Each minor complication that happens may put him back in the hospital because they will want to monitor him. For example, if he had a transplant, he would probably be on immunosuppressant drugs, which could make even a simple cold a major health concern. Each time he goes back to stay at the hospital, he is opening himself up to the possibility of catching further illnesses.

 

I'm not trying to scare you, but you need to approach his health situation realistically. I have "been there, done that" when it comes to caring for someone in the years after a major operation. It's not easy. It's emotionally draining and painful to watch someone you love suffer so much just to have a few more years left to live.

 

In some ways I think his near-death experience moved him towards me, he certainly is acting closer to me, as in why not be with the one you love?

 

Unfortunately, I think there are a lot of reasons why he may choose not to be with you in the end. His kids being the #1 issue. If the affair wasn't bad enough, the fact that he did it while the BS was putting all of her energy into caring for him when he was unwell will do it. She sacrificed a lot for him, and his kids know that. Many people would have left him when he got sick, but she chose to stay by his side and honor the "for better or worse" part of her wedding vows. To have an affair thrown in your face after that is an extreme betrayal and an utter act of selfishness.

 

Since his kids are adults, the courts (and even their mother) cannot force them to have a relationship with him. If being with you means that he loses his relationships with them completely, I think he will cut you out of his life if he has to. He may leave for you at first, but, once his loss of them starts to truly sink in, he will go back to her to try and repair his relationships with them.

 

From everything you've described, he doesn't sound like he's thinking about this situation rationally. It sounds like he's making a desperate cry for help because he cannot cope with what's going on with his life. He doesn't want to think about the future, and rightfully so given his health history. He just wants to live in the moment and have no consequences. Psychological research shows that mid-life crises are largely a myth, but he seems to be hitting every checkmark on the list when it comes to having one.

[solostand]

He has only been sick for three weeks.

 

He had a shoulder replacement in September. Standard procedure. Went without a hitch.

 

He had a bowel blockage due to adhesions. I have had the same thing happen to me. This caused hospitalization for two weeks.

 

Then he had blood poisoning (sepsis) which caused the near death experience. The fact that he survived sepsis at his age means he is very healthy. It has a high mortality rate. I had it in my 30s and very nearly died.

[Snipercatt]

Solo, my heart goes out to you.

 

Carefully consider whether you want a man who doesn't have the courage to stand up for what he wants and claiming your relationship. IF his wife divorces him, you may get him, but by default. With this type of behavior, and if his wife divorces him and you become his primary relationship, there is still a job opening, in his mind, regardless of what he claims.

 

This is a man who has no qualms about having you right under his wife's nose. The same might be true, with you. Never think you, or your relationship, is so special to overcome a philanderer's faults. Those faults transfer with the person.

 

Consider what is in your best interests!

[threelaurels]

He has only been sick for three weeks.

 

He had a shoulder replacement in September. Standard procedure. Went without a hitch.

 

He had a bowel blockage due to adhesions. I have had the same thing happen to me. This caused hospitalization for two weeks.

 

Then he had blood poisoning (sepsis) which caused the near death experience. The fact that he survived sepsis at his age means he is very healthy. It has a high mortality rate. I had it in my 30s and very nearly died.

 

Ah, okay. I was under the impression that he had a far more serious surgery. I'm not sure where I got that from. Sorry!

[whichwayisup]

He seems to think she'll throw him out. I'm not so sure, although I think when she finds out the length and extent of it she might.

 

I know she will be very very angry, and she is no shrinking violet. I know she will demand answers from me and I will tell the truth.

 

They have split up before and have had many rocky times in their marriage, so I am not the only problem.

 

He has enough means to get his own place but will he want to be with me? Yes. He is in love with me.

 

And no, he is not in poor health. He is 100 per cent recovered from his recent health crisis and is very healthy.

 

In some ways I think his near-death experience moved him towards me, he certainly is acting closer to me, as in why not be with the one you love?

 

So ask yourself this. If you are the one he loves, why doesn't/hasn't he just done something about it and come clean? Move out? File for D? He is sitting there lying to her, deceiving her every single day, making a total fool of her yet he can't find his balls aka courage to just tell the truth? If you are the one he'd prefer to be with, why wait it out until she finds out and kicks him out?

 

Remember how he's treating her. That could be you some day in the future. Instead of good communication skills, he's passive and cheating. Seems that's how he handles things in his marriage. Something to watch for if you end up with him. He can do this to his wife, mother of his children, he's capable of doing this to ANYBODY and that includes you. He loved her enough in the past to marry her, build a life with her.

 

I think you need to give him a push. Better for him to come clean now rather than his wife do more investigating and bust you two. Only a matter of time before that happens.

[Owl]

D-day is absolutely on the way.

 

And honestly...I'd bet money at this point that when it arrives, he's going to continue the affair with you. He's going to lie to her, convince her that he has ended the affair with you, that you were the cause of the whole thing because you pursued him and wouldn't leave him alone (as evidenced by you showing up at the hospital room/etc...), and that he's ended it with you and will never do it again. And in the same instant, he's going to convince you to keep on seeing him, but you'll have to be more careful in the future.

The question is...what are YOU going to do about it when he throws you under the bus to save his marriage/reputation, but then comes back to you for 'more'?

 

Because you're the only one in a position with all the information to actually make something change in this situation right now.

 

But d-day looms nearer and nearer.

[Snipercatt]

The question is...what are YOU going to do about it when he throws you under the bus to save his marriage/reputation, but then comes back to you for 'more'?

 

 

 

That's a possibility, but not the guaranteed outcome. I think the point is that under the best of circumstances, this is a man that has purposely shamed his wife, in VERY public ways, up close and personal, with the person he shares his betrayal with. It takes a special kind of selfish disregard, on so many levels, for him to choose to conduct himself in this fashion.

 

My concern of Solo is that she may believe that with her it will be different. Unfortunately, there is a character trait within MM that he permits himself to act despicably. We are all capable of behaving in like fashion, but most choose to act discreetly. It isn't just the issue of betrayal.

 

That's why my heart goes out to Solo, because I don't think she understands what this MM's behavior exhibits about his character. I don't think she understands that she has the right to demand that he conduct himself more discreetly if he wishes to continue to be in relationship with her. I don't think she undertands the potential that his behavior has to splash all over her life and reputation. He isn't just disrespecting his wife, he's disrespecting Solo. It's almost as if he chooses for both relationships to fail.

 

ETA: His behavior isn't a compliment to his regard for their relationship.

Edited November 18, 2013 by Snipercatt

[HopingAgain]

There really isn't much more to be said at this point. You know that this man is cruel to those closest to him, almost beyond belief. Yet you are taking no steps to remove yourself fromthe situation. The emotional fallout that will come from continuing to play relatiinship russian roullete with this man may very likely destroy your sobriety if you continu it.

[solostand]

Saw him this morning, he reports his wife is very, very suspicious. Raising my name all the time, last night she offered to "charge" his phone. He says my name has been dropped all year, but he thinks it was her actually seeing me that raised the flags.

 

I offered to end the affair to stop the suspicion. Absolutely not. He does not seem the slightest bit concerned, while I have a pounding chest all the time. We had this conversation in his vehicle and I kept picturing a var somewhere. Also waiting for her call.

[beach]

Saw him this morning, he reports his wife is very, very suspicious. Raising my name all the time, last night she offered to "charge" his phone. He says my name has been dropped all year, but he thinks it was her actually seeing me that raised the flags.

 

I offered to end the affair to stop the suspicion. Absolutely not. He does not seem the slightest bit concerned, while I have a pounding chest all the time. We had this conversation in his vehicle and I kept picturing a var somewhere. Also waiting for her call.

 

And you keep it all alive by participating.

 

The solution? Stop participating.

[whichwayisup]

Saw him this morning, he reports his wife is very, very suspicious. Raising my name all the time, last night she offered to "charge" his phone. He says my name has been dropped all year, but he thinks it was her actually seeing me that raised the flags.

 

I offered to end the affair to stop the suspicion. Absolutely not. He does not seem the slightest bit concerned, while I have a pounding chest all the time. We had this conversation in his vehicle and I kept picturing a var somewhere. Also waiting for her call.

 

So, you're going to let him call the shots, make the decisions. You're as passive as he is! Sorry but if you feel that uncomfortable, physically reacting to all this and feel bad for what is going on, you'd end the affair and tell him to come find you when he leaves his wife, and there's real progress being made to divorce.

[Owl]

And you keep it all alive by participating.

 

The solution? Stop participating.

 

Exactly.

 

Solo, you have equal power here...and yet you refuse to act.

 

Only blame yourself for what's about to happen. You have had all the opportunity in the world to avoid this outcome, but refused to do so.

[solostand]

Well obviously I'm weak since the longest NC I've been able to manage in the past 12 months is four days.

 

I don't know, maybe I'm living in fairyland where I am the beautiful princess who will be rescued by daddy on a white steed and the pesky wife will realize she wanted a divorce all along anyway.

 

I am very attached to this man, and I also do love him. I do not want to give him up he has become a major part of my life. Although everyone here sees horns on his head, he is actually a well liked and well respected member of the community who has a huge charitable side.

 

I do believe he loves me. I know he does. We have talked about it all ad naseum during the last year.