Early stages of dating...

[mariposa_13]

I met a guy a couple of weeks ago who I found interesting and was attracted to, and he asked me out. We've been on 3 dates so far...

 

The first went really well, I could tell he was nervous (as was I) but we got on really well and he was a true gentleman. The next day he texted me asking me out again for the following day. Our second date was better than the first, we were more relaxed, found out we had loads in common and conversation flowed really easily. After our second date we have texted almost every day, and two days later he asked me out again. On our third date I realised I like him, and can feel chemisty building, we were talking for hours and at the end of the night we kissed.

So far he has intiated all text conversations, and also asked me out every time. I am quite traditional, in the sense I think the man should court the woman and pursue her. I can really see potential in this and think this can go somewhere, and I really don't want to mess it up by rushing into anything or by chasing him.

 

After all, guys love to be the pursuer. I can tell he is quite traditional like me, as he has been the one always initiating everything, and he is so polite/well mannered and never lets me pay for anything when we go out.

 

Anyway, its been a while since I have dated someone properly and I'm not sure how to bring up what he is looking for, and his past relationships. I have been single for 1 1/2 years, and haven't really met anyone I am remotely interested in in this time. It took me a while to get over my ex, and now that I know I am over him, I have suddenly met this amazing guy and think it is too good to be true!

 

I think I should let him bring up the discussion of whats going on here, but how soon into dating someone do you ask these questions? If he is just after casual sex, I'm not interested (although I have a feeling he isn't just after that). When do you tell someone you like them, or do you wait for them to tell you? And when can you ask if they are dating anyone else?

Also when should I start to initiate things, ie. start text conversations or ask if he wants to meet?

(if it helps at all we are in our mid to late twenties)

 

Thanks!

Edited November 17, 2013 by mariposa_13

[Tephros]

I met a guy a couple of weeks ago who I found interesting and was attracted to, and he asked me out. We've been on 3 dates so far...

 

The first went really well, I could tell he was nervous (as was I) but we got on really well and he was a true gentleman. The next day he texted me asking me out again for the following day. Our second date was better than the first, we were more relaxed, found out we had loads in common and conversation flowed really easily. After our second date we have texted almost every day, and two days later he asked me out again. On our third date I realised I like him, and can feel chemisty building, we were talking for hours and at the end of the night we kissed.

So far he has intiated all text conversations, and also asked me out every time. I am quite traditional, in the sense I think the man should court the woman and pursue her. I can really see potential in this and think this can go somewhere, and I really don't want to mess it up by rushing into anything or by chasing him.

 

Most guys I've ever known would love to be chased by a woman they're into. Playing hard to get just looks like not so interested to me, so the more hard to get a girl is the less interested I am. It's not the main factor in my interest level, but it's been the deciding factor in who I asked out before. As far as rushing into things goes, I don't get how that can ruin anything associated with the relationship per se unless one of you is really religious or something.. Otherwise rushing into things mostly risks having sex that doesn't turn into a long term relationship, but it's not like it was the sex that ruined the relationship. It can just mask the fact that the people have nothing else in common until the initial excitement is gone. Doesn't sound like that applies to your situation at all.

 

After all, guys love to be the pursuer.

 

I can't speak for all men... but to this I say a big hell no. We just know it's expected. When we can figure out how to get the girl to come to us, it's a lot better.

 

I can tell he is quite traditional like me, as he has been the one always initiating everything, and he is so polite/well mannered and never lets me pay for anything when we go out.

 

Waiting til the 3rd date to kiss you is very slow and traditional, so I'd agree.

 

Anyway, its been a while since I have dated someone properly and I'm not sure how to bring up what he is looking for, and his past relationships. I have been single for 1 1/2 years, and haven't really met anyone I am remotely interested in in this time. It took me a while to get over my ex, and now that I know I am over him, I have suddenly met this amazing guy and think it is too good to be true!

 

Sometimes good things happen. Why question it until you have cause to?

 

I think I should let him bring up the discussion of whats going on here, but how soon into dating someone do you ask these questions? If he is just after casual sex, I'm not interested (although I have a feeling he isn't just after that).

 

No kidding. Waiting until the 3rd date to kiss you and all. Hahaha. How could a guy have lots of casual sex if he waited 3 dates to even kiss a girl?

 

When do you tell someone you like them, or do you wait for them to tell you?

 

I mean, telling him you love him might freak him out right now, but telling him you like him. You could do that at the end of the first date and still be normal.

 

Also when should I start to initiate things, ie. start text conversations or ask if he wants to meet?

(if it helps at all we are in our mid to late twenties)

 

Thanks!

 

Whenever you want. You've been on 3 dates and kissed. I'd say you like each other. Just go with it.

[theonlyjuan]

You just ask what is he looking for?

 

Why do you want to know about his past relationships though?

[d0nnivain]

It's too early for the what's going on conversation. What's going on is obvious: you're dating. To put more verbage around it now, is too much pressure. I would have a conversation about exclusivity before becoming intimate.

 

I think a 3-4 to 1 ratio about who asks for the date is good in the begining. You have had 3 dates so at this point you're safe in planning a date & expecting to pay for it. I used to try to keep that 1st ask to something I was already doing but include him . . . a bunch of my friends are doing X on Friday, do you want to come or I have tickets to Y, would you like to join me?

 

I wouldn't start with the I like you's for a few months. I would never initiate an I love you conversation inside of 3-4 months & I'd be suspicious of a man who said that earlier.

[mariposa_13]

Thanks Tephros for the reply - I figured it would put guys off if girls made the first move!

 

Theonlyjuean - I am curious about his past, because what if he has just come out of a 6 yr relationship or something? that would mean he isn't ready for anything serious. But then I guess if he wasn't ready he wouldn't have taken me out 3 times....

[Tephros]

The hardest question to answer would be whether and when to bring up the "are we exclusive" conversation. If you're thinking that's what you want before he's asked, I'd suggest maybe finding out his general thoughts on when people should be exclusive. He might pick up on why you're asking, but it puts him into less of an awkward position if he's not ready yet than asking him directly to be your boyfriend without feeling it out a little first.

[d0nnivain]

It's actually easy to start the "are we exclusive" conversation. When things start to proceed to the bedroom, you stop and have the conversation. You don't ask the guy what he wants. You tell him what you expect: "I'm not comfortable having sex unless I'm in an exclusive committed relationship. I'm not saying we have to be that right now, but you need to understand my feelings on the subject. I'm good where we are but I'm good moving forward."

 

It's a bucket of cold water on a guy who only wants sex. It's a invitation to state his intentions for a man who wants more.

[flow15]

It's actually easy to start the "are we exclusive" conversation. When things start to proceed to the bedroom, you stop and have the conversation. You don't ask the guy what he wants. You tell him what you expect: "I'm not comfortable having sex unless I'm in an exclusive committed relationship. I'm not saying we have to be that right now, but you need to understand my feelings on the subject. I'm good where we are but I'm good moving forward."

 

It's a bucket of cold water on a guy who only wants sex. It's a invitation to state his intentions for a man who wants more.

 

 

This is what you should say

Edited November 17, 2013 by flow15

[Tephros]

It's actually easy to start the "are we exclusive" conversation. When things start to proceed to the bedroom, you stop and have the conversation. You don't ask the guy what he wants. You tell him what you expect: "I'm not comfortable having sex unless I'm in an exclusive committed relationship. I'm not saying we have to be that right now, but you need to understand my feelings on the subject. I'm good where we are but I'm good moving forward."

 

It's a bucket of cold water on a guy who only wants sex. It's a invitation to state his intentions for a man who wants more.

 

The reason that's a bad idea is because now he has an immediate ulterior motive to say yes to an exclusive relationship even if, under normal circumstances, he might say no. It's not a bucket of cold water for a guy who only cares about sex, trust me. Many guys will say anything under those circumstances:

Edited November 17, 2013 by Tephros

[mariposa_13]

hmm... I think I will just let him bring it up, as and when it happens... I don't want him to feel like he is being forced to be exclusive with me just for sex.