BS - WS thinking about AP

[dichotomy]

I think one of the problems I have with what some are saying in this thread is that the WS must feel hate or anger at the AP when they remember them. Now I know I went through a period of time when I felt anger but I don't anymore. I am now indifferent to him. I can remember things but I don't bother to try because those memories are neither good nor bad. He is no longer important to me or part of my life.

 

Surely this indifference is a healthier better place to be rather than still having emotions invested in it all. Hate and anger are emotions after all so that to me is still giving the AP some power or influence over the WS.

 

 

I think the phases you went through sound kinda right to me - (assume affair fog thinking of AP) - to anger/disgust - to indifference or in a box.

 

I think sometimes people get stuck however or struggle in the phases. I htink CD in other thread was kind of working on one phase and asking for help/discussion. If your not honest to someone (your BS, your therapist, your support group) you may not get through the phases.

 

My wife was stuck in the affair fog for a LONG time, only her blatant and I think a "slip up" of confessed honesty about her continued positive thoughts of AP, allowed us to work on her next two phases in therapy - anger/disgust and then finally indifference about AP.

 

We have other remaining issues left over from that time - but I do think we got to stage of putting AP in box/indifference. However, I also found she put parts of herself in that box by association that she should NOT have - but thats another thread.

Edited November 20, 2013 by dichotomy

[William]

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[Sub]

Whenever I would discuss OM with my WS, I always tried to steer clear of making her feel like she should be angry or dislike him. There were things that I felt were very manipulative on his part, but it was up to her to feel however she felt about him, over time. You want the other person to be accountable for the actions, but not feel like a complete idiot, in my opinion. If I just pounded it into her what a bad guy I thought he was, and she saw it "my" way, it would have been guilt with a large side of "I'm so stupid" self-loathing, to go along with the original self-esteem issues. Recipe for disaster.

 

I like the break-up reference. In effect, that's what it was. I had to accept that she was in deep with someone else, and it wasn't realistic to think the decision to R was going to serve as an instant memory eraser.

[drifter777]

 

I like the break-up reference. In effect, that's what it was. I had to accept that she was in deep with someone else, and it wasn't realistic to think the decision to R was going to serve as an instant memory eraser.

Wow, you had to accept it? Why? Were you afraid she wouldn't stay with you if you told her you wouldn't accept that she was still "in deep" with OM?

 

I don't understand how a BS can accept that their WS is pining away for their affair partner like it's just part of reconciliation. Like i said in a previous post, I couldn't begin to reconcile if my WW revealed any positive feelings for OM or the affair itself. And especially if she was love-sick over him. If she wants to be with him then just go and reconcile with him and stay out of my life.

[thecharade]

I understand, drifter. But if a BS wants to save their M and the WS does too, is this "extra bit of foggy time" truly too high a cost to pay? From what I have read here and elsewhere, no. Not for most.

 

Is it the long-term A?

Or multiple As?

Or maybe the trickle truth?

Or maybe the fog?

Or just a little missing of the AP?

Was it prostitutes?

Or a best friend?

Or was it done in your bed?

 

Which insult in the long list of insults officially makes a marriage unsalvageable? In my experience, none of them have that power. They can all be worked through if both people want to save the M. Strong couples are amazingly resilient.

[not-so-sure]

Wow, you had to accept it? Why? Were you afraid she wouldn't stay with you if you told her you wouldn't accept that she was still "in deep" with OM?

 

I don't understand how a BS can accept that their WS is pining away for their affair partner like it's just part of reconciliation. Like i said in a previous post, I couldn't begin to reconcile if my WW revealed any positive feelings for OM or the affair itself. And especially if she was love-sick over him. If she wants to be with him then just go and reconcile with him and stay out of my life.

 

To be fair it would be like asking you to buck up and move on. Emotions don't get switched off like that. You can deal with them and reshape them to get to where you want to be, but an affair ending is a breakup and it's not reasonable to expect someone to switch off the emotional tap. You'd have to be some kind of sociopath to be able to do that.

[AlwaysGrowing]

So now this thread has moved from do all WS feel positive about the AP afterwards, to BS HAVE to listen and accept all the positive the WS has to spew???

 

Well, then..I guess it would be productive for a BS to bring up all past relationships and how much more wonderful they were than the WS?

 

In my opinion, that is something that the WS should work out ALONE or in IC. To dump that burden on a BS, who was HURT by the actions of the AP, to then hold your hand while you want to soothe yourself...is just more selfishness to me. It is putting your own immediate needs above the person that was injured. It is looking to others to validate your emotions...which are neither necessarily true and most definitely not static. So....what would be the point? To try to garner "truth" points....at what cost?

 

Personally, whether or not it was infidelity related or not....I would no more be interested in another person vaulting the "goodness" of someone who hurt me so profoundly than I would be..in baking that person a cake.

[not-so-sure]

So now this thread has moved from do all WS feel positive about the AP afterwards, to BS HAVE to listen and accept all the positive the WS has to spew???

 

Well, then..I guess it would be productive for a BS to bring up all past relationships and how much more wonderful they were than the WS?

 

In my opinion, that is something that the WS should work out ALONE or in IC. To dump that burden on a BS, who was HURT by the actions of the AP, to then hold your hand while you want to soothe yourself...is just more selfishness to me. It is putting your own immediate needs above the person that was injured. It is looking to others to validate your emotions...which are neither necessarily true and most definitely not static. So....what would be the point? To try to garner "truth" points....at what cost?

 

Personally, whether or not it was infidelity related or not....I would no more be interested in another person vaulting the "goodness" of someone who hurt me so profoundly than I would be..in baking that person a cake.

 

You can't regulate a persons mind. End of story. The proof of love is in the actions to restore trust.

 

I am a WS - I certainly won't be spouting niceties about my AP because it won't help. But if my BS asks why, I'm not going to lie. It made me feel good about myself. Selfish thoughts and choices, but disclosure/discovery is a time for truth. (water woman liked this post before I wrote this paragraph).

Edited November 21, 2013 by not-so-sure

[AlwaysGrowing]

You can't regulate a persons mind. End of story. The proof of love is in the actions to restore trust.

 

I am a WS - I certainly won't be spouting niceties about my AP because it won't help. But if my BS asks why, I'm not going to lie. It made me feel good about myself. Selfish thoughts and choices, but disclosure/discovery is a time for truth. (water woman liked this post before I wrote this paragraph).

 

 

No where did I say to regulate someones mind.

 

How one feels at the time...and how they feel currently are two very different beasts.

 

To tell a BS that you miss your AP, and how you like the special way they did something is beyond...I don't even know what.

 

And if that is how some roll, then that is how they roll.

[not-so-sure]

No where did I say to regulate someones mind.

 

How one feels at the time...and how they feel currently are two very different beasts.

 

To tell a BS that you miss your AP, and how you like the special way they did something is beyond...I don't even know what.

 

And if that is how some roll, then that is how they roll.

 

Ok - fair enough. That is off base. And I would never offer that up unsolicited, but I would never lie and say I was over it if I wasn't. Because lying is what got me here in the first place. And other behaviours in your reconciliation could be called into question.

 

I'm not sure how I would put it but painful as it is to hear and know, when something gets ripped away from you naturally want it back, regardless of your responsibilities. Getting over that takes time. It is what it is. You've lost a relationship, no matter how illicit.

 

"I'm still working on that?"

[Sub]

Wow, you had to accept it? Why? Were you afraid she wouldn't stay with you if you told her you wouldn't accept that she was still "in deep" with OM?

 

I don't understand how a BS can accept that their WS is pining away for their affair partner like it's just part of reconciliation. Like i said in a previous post, I couldn't begin to reconcile if my WW revealed any positive feelings for OM or the affair itself. And especially if she was love-sick over him. If she wants to be with him then just go and reconcile with him and stay out of my life.

 

Maybe I should have been more clear in regards to the timing. I accepted that at the height of the A, pre-D-day, my WS had deep feelings for the OM. Not accept as in "That's cool, I understand and I'm fine with it."; accept as in "I know that was what happened, and I have to deal with it in a way that would allow me to R with you." WS realized that those feelings didn't have much staying power, nor were they a foundation for a long-term relationship with the OM. Still, they were real feelings/moments that she had to reconcile within herself.