credentials of divorce vs never married

[thebt]

hi

being 42 and never married w/o kids and I cant speak for women in the same boat but im getting a sense that women prefer divorce than never married?? especially when a guys gets to his upper 30s low 40's. I get the constant "whats wrong with you" that ive never been married and women strait up have said that is a red flag. Many other never married guys agree with me. Also I noticed divorce guys seem to rebound quicker whether its short term, long term or bang buddy there always seems to be a women in the weeds for him sometimes long before the ink even dries on the divorce papers.

 

my guess is in our pro-divorce world that divorce is the new normal. Its viewed as "credentials" and anybody outside the curve is abnormal.

I believe women look at divorce as

1 he committed at one time

2 a women wanted him (social proof) or the logic is he must have decent qualities and attributes in order for a women to say yes to him.

3 he has some husband training so in other words another woman has done the dirty work. So its expected he'll know what to do.

 

this Is how im seeing it. I know its not a deal breaker but that's the feel im getting from women these days. They prefer divorce vs never married I cant speak for the women in the same boat.

 

thoughts????

[Phantom888]

Conversely, if you have never married by the time you are 40, that could mean the following:

 

1) You have never been mature enough to want a committed relationship.

2) You are still a man-child who doesn't know what he wants.

3) You are afraid of commitments, and are selfish.

4) You probably don't like children, or never want any.

5) You are a serial dater, or lifetime bachelor who enjoys freedom more than responsibilities.

6) You have some hidden qualities that drive women away once they get to know you.

 

Of course it's a red flag if a man has never married by the time he's 40. I mean, at a certain age a man would want to share his heart with one woman, and make a family with her. If he hasn't ripen enough by the time he's 40, there must be some arrested development somewhere. I sure wonder what's wrong with a woman who has never married by the time she is 40.

[Woggle]

In my more cynical days I used to say that they wanted a man who was pre whipped.

[d0nnivain]

My husband was in his mid-thirties when we met & almost 40 when we married. I was over 40. I thought I'd never find somebody like me who wasn't a commitment phobe derranged person but who had never been married. Yet I did.

 

Although more over 40 never been married men fit into the list offered by phantom88 there are some gems out there. You just may have to work a bit harder to show that you aren't one of those things or even if you used to be a confirmed bachelor, you are now reformed.

[soccerrprp]

Conversely, if you have never married by the time you are 40, that could mean the following:

 

1) You have never been mature enough to want a committed relationship.

2) You are still a man-child who doesn't know what he wants.

3) You are afraid of commitments, and are selfish.

4) You probably don't like children, or never want any.

5) You are a serial dater, or lifetime bachelor who enjoys freedom more than responsibilities.

6) You have some hidden qualities that drive women away once they get to know you.

 

Of course it's a red flag if a man has never married by the time he's 40. I mean, at a certain age a man would want to share his heart with one woman, and make a family with her. If he hasn't ripen enough by the time he's 40, there must be some arrested development somewhere. I sure wonder what's wrong with a woman who has never married by the time she is 40.

 

Yup, all reasonable conclusions to keep in mind. But it applies to women as well. I'm dating a 40-something who's never been married. Engaged once, but never married. I thought some of the same things, but I hit the mother-lode!

 

OP, you need to help dispel some of these things. Good luck!

[Johnson1]

In my more cynical days I used to say that they wanted a man who was pre whipped.

 

God knows I've had my share of lashings.

[carhill]

They prefer divorce vs never married I cant speak for the women in the same boat.

 

thoughts????

 

I didn't get married until 41 and didn't note that mindset amongst the single women I encountered, though that was some time ago.

 

Since everyone has their preferences, perhaps I was simply selected out without my knowing it since, like most men, I weathered dozens if not hundreds of rejections as a single man.

 

My exW appeared to like that I didn't have any 'baggage', meaning a prior exW and/or children. Had she had a difference preference, say for divorced men, then we wouldn't have dated.

 

On a general social level, it appears that being 'divorced' versus 'never married' does, in my social circle anyway, carry more credibility, since the vast majority are married and have been for many years, with some being on their second marriages. They relate better to people who are married or have been married. The forever singles, not so much. I noted a change after I got married. However, that's demographic, so not indicative of a wider general trend.

 

I did hear the 'trained' line on more than one occasion. Mixed bag.

[thebt]

Conversely, if you have never married by the time you are 40, that could mean the following:

 

1) You have never been mature enough to want a committed relationship.

2) You are still a man-child who doesn't know what he wants.

3) You are afraid of commitments, and are selfish.

4) You probably don't like children, or never want any.

5) You are a serial dater, or lifetime bachelor who enjoys freedom more than responsibilities.

6) You have some hidden qualities that drive women away once they get to know you.

 

Of course it's a red flag if a man has never married by the time he's 40. I mean, at a certain age a man would want to share his heart with one woman, and make a family with her. If he hasn't ripen enough by the time he's 40, there must be some arrested development somewhere. .

 

 

 

so it would appear that a man that's divorced without kids is at the top of the food chain in dating....

[irc333]

I'd be wondering why this would even be an issue with anyone? I would really so no problem with this.

 

 

 

hi

being 42 and never married w/o kids and I cant speak for women in the same boat but im getting a sense that women prefer divorce than never married?? especially when a guys gets to his upper 30s low 40's. I get the constant "whats wrong with you" that ive never been married and women strait up have said that is a red flag. Many other never married guys agree with me. Also I noticed divorce guys seem to rebound quicker whether its short term, long term or bang buddy there always seems to be a women in the weeds for him sometimes long before the ink even dries on the divorce papers.

 

my guess is in our pro-divorce world that divorce is the new normal. Its viewed as "credentials" and anybody outside the curve is abnormal.

I believe women look at divorce as

1 he committed at one time

2 a women wanted him (social proof) or the logic is he must have decent qualities and attributes in order for a women to say yes to him.

3 he has some husband training so in other words another woman has done the dirty work. So its expected he'll know what to do.

 

this Is how im seeing it. I know its not a deal breaker but that's the feel im getting from women these days. They prefer divorce vs never married I cant speak for the women in the same boat.

 

thoughts????

[carhill]

so it would appear that a man that's divorced without kids is at the top of the food chain in dating....

A widely attractive single man is at the top of the dating food chain. As attractiveness falls, other factors such as previously married, children, etc, become more important, dependent upon local demographics.

 

At the extreme end, a really attractive guy, even with a big alimony and child support payment and a gaggle of kids to watch after, will be snapped up immediately, if he *chooses* to enter into another relationship. As another poster here once opined, 'good' people are rarely single long, presuming they don't choose to remain single/unattached for their own reasons. 'Good' = attractive; it's just a nicer way of putting it.

 

IMO, in that arena, the realm of the popular and/or universally attractive, divorced and never married men are pretty much equal. I know a couple like that who, even if they cheated on their wives (one has), if they were to divorce, they'd be snapped up immediately, and likely before the divorce was substantially underway. Both have children, though one's children are now young adults. The key? Quantifiable success in business and social popularity, just rewards for taking their genetic gifts and maximizing them. People love success. At that level, the guy would have to be very determined to stay 'never married'. It happens, but rarely.

 

For the rest of we 'average' guys, it's probably more dependent on demographics than anything else. Move to a different place and interact with a different social circle and parameters change. Hence, if you're finding that, as a never married man in his 40's, you're meeting with resistance/rejection on a constant basis, allowing for other reasonable factors (social behavior, personal hygiene, etc), try a different demographic and see what happens. I did this in my 30's as a 'never married' and it worked wonders. Good luck.

[irc333]

Of course, the same red flags can be brought about for those who have been divorced 1 or more times.

 

They could be faulted for not being able to keep a marriage standing, or giving up when the going gets tough, are just getting bored and simply wanting to go back to being single again. Either way, to count someone out because of this...is someone who is highly judgmental and someone you wouldn't want in your life anyway.

 

 

Conversely, if you have never married by the time you are 40, that could mean the following:

 

1) You have never been mature enough to want a committed relationship.

2) You are still a man-child who doesn't know what he wants.

3) You are afraid of commitments, and are selfish.

4) You probably don't like children, or never want any.

5) You are a serial dater, or lifetime bachelor who enjoys freedom more than responsibilities.

6) You have some hidden qualities that drive women away once they get to know you.

 

Of course it's a red flag if a man has never married by the time he's 40. I mean, at a certain age a man would want to share his heart with one woman, and make a family with her. If he hasn't ripen enough by the time he's 40, there must be some arrested development somewhere. I sure wonder what's wrong with a woman who has never married by the time she is 40.

[thebt]

I sure wonder what's wrong with a woman who has never married by the time she is 40.

 

most women ive noticed that are still single in there 40s have at least lived together with men. Most have usually lived 3-4 different men.

Its almost like being married but with an escape hatch and no vows.

[mortensorchid]

My shrink says that used me (aka divorced men) are better. They made the commitment, acknowledge their mistake(s), and are willing to do better. A lot of men who remain single forever will not make the commitment. And yet, consider situations ...

 

Some single men have not found the right woman, most others refuse to make one. Divorced men may acknowledge their mistakes but may not have learned to not repeat them. It's all a very delicate balance when you think of it.

[ChessPieceFace]

Do you plan to get arbitrarily married and then divorced just to change your credentials? No? Then what does it matter?

 

If a woman is passing judgment on you for this (not simply wondering about it) dump her and move on.

 

Only the sickest society could treat divorce experience as preferable.

[CptSaveAho]

Another possibility is that getting married can be considered stupid because it has such a high failure rate and the risk of losing everything is way higher for men than women.

 

Personally, I see an older guy that has never been married and just assume that he's risk aversed.

 

This times 1000

 

I would never date a woman that as previously married and statistically a 2nd marriage has a 80% chance of failure compared to the 50% of first marriages

 

I'd rather be single then pay for crimes that someone else committed. Proof is in the separation and divorce forums

[boaaaar]

Most women want to get married. The longer a man lives, the bigger the chances are that he's done the math about marriage at some point, which usually results in a big no to the woman who wants marriage.

[Iguanna]

When you meet a guy you like and are interested in a possible relationship with him, the only things you can evaluate about him are his past and his present behavior. For me the past experiences of a person in various aspects of life tell me a lot about his character and I must admit I jump to conclusions pretty fast which is not always good but I can't help it. This is the meaning of "meeting" someone, get to know him meaning, know about his past experiences in life. Would you go out with someone who beats his mother? Someone who had a drug problem back in high school? Someone who has a kid and never sees it? the list is big and everyone will have a different opinion about what he/she would do. Personally I'm strict with these things and I believe our past shows how we will be in the future.

 

Especially for your question, what I would think of a man who is never married at 40, I agree with the list Phantom888 gave. If a woman has marriage in her plans, she would consider these things to go out with a guy who is never married at 40. If she just wants to have fun or not the intent to get married in the future or soon, these things don't matter. It's like applying for a job and have never worked in the field this job is about, do you think an employer will hire you? A divorced man on the other hand is someone who has once gotten into the idea of a marriage and he has done it, regardless how much it lasted and when he did it. How it ended of course would be a great way to find out more about is character, but still a divorced man is more promising than someone who has never gotten married.

[ConstantVoyager]

I view men who have one divorce under their belt and never-married men equally. (As long as the divorced man doesn't have children who live with him - I have no desire to be a step mom.)

 

I am, however, very leery of men who've been divorced two or more times. At that point it's becoming a pattern that I have no desire to join.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Yup, all reasonable conclusions to keep in mind. But it applies to women as well. I'm dating a 40-something who's never been married. Engaged once, but never married. I thought some of the same things, but I hit the mother-lode!

 

OP, you need to help dispel some of these things. Good luck!

 

Good to know that there are men out there who want to take a chance with a never married woman over 40.

 

There is as much suspicion towards never married women than towards never married men.

 

For myself I can only say that after having seen the miserable marriage of my parents I was always very cautious to make a long-term commitment. Better to be alone than lonely in a relationship. So whereas some other girls might have married the frogs I kissed I felt that they would make lousy husbands and stepped out of the relationship. When I look back on my relationships there is not one man with who I would have been happy in the long term.

 

If I would have met the right guy when I was younger I would have wanted kids but since I have not met him yet and I am in my late forties, I will not be a mother. Being a single mother was not for me.

 

I always get very irritated when people ask me why I am not married. At my age I don't apologize for it anymore. I think it is a rude question.

 

Married people are not better than single people. I know tons of unpleasant married people.

Edited November 18, 2013 by PinkInTheLimo

[Iguanna]

There is no reason to get in a defensive mode, nobody is judging each other's lifestyle and choices, but I think it's normal for people to create opinions for someone they just met from his/her past, his/her background, the choices he/she has made in life etc. It's the same as saying "I don't like short men", it's not that I have something against short men or I hate them, but they are not someone I would choose to be with. Same with never married people. I know it's kind of unfair to jump easily to conclusion regarding a person due to the fact he never got married, I'm sure there are people who have made this decision with great maturity or they really didn't find the right person, but the most common situation is that a guy mostly who has never married and he's like 40-45 he doesn't really want to get married or have responsibilities, he likes to be single. Why would i get involved with him then if my plan for my life is to get married and have kids? I find it natural.

 

If someone is rally searching for the right person to marry, I think he/she should be honest on the first dates and makes it clear that he is not a bachelor cause he wants to but cause he hasn't found a good person yet.

[PinkInTheLimo]

There is no reason to get in a defensive mode, nobody is judging each other's lifestyle and choices, but I think it's normal for people to create opinions for someone they just met from his/her past, his/her background, the choices he/she has made in life etc. It's the same as saying "I don't like short men", it's not that I have something against short men or I hate them, but they are not someone I would choose to be with.

 

It is a bit easy to say "nobody is judging each other's lifestyle's and choices" when you continue by exactly doing that.

 

You want to get married and get kids but you are apparently very superficial if you judge a man on the basis of his height. Someone's height has nothing to do with being a good or a bad partner. I am not saying you should be attracted to a guy who faces your breasts rather than your eyes when he stands in front of you but if you only want to be with guys who are taller than a certain number then you don't know what love is about.

 

There is way too much judging in the dating scene. People are too focused on what they want instead of getting to know the other person with an open mind. When I am asked on a first date "Why are you not married?" I perceive it as indiscrete and probing. It makes me feel pushed in a defensive position and since that is not how I want to feel during a first date, there probably will not be a second. I have no principal problem to share how I feel about commitment and marriage but this is personal stuff that I only want to tell someone I feel comfortable with.

[Revolver]

I think for a woman who wants to get married the guy who was divorced is a much better option then the guy who was never married because he at least has shown the ability or want to take that step. Let's be honest here, if a dude is 45 and never has been married he's essentially been on the dating market for 2 to 3 decades and hasn't found any woman he felt he wanted to marry. What makes this new one any different from the others in the past?

 

And mind you I'm using the best case scernario of a guy who has had a healthy dating sex life with options and not a loser

[Iguanna]

It is a bit easy to say "nobody is judging each other's lifestyle's and choices" when you continue by exactly doing that.

 

You want to get married and get kids but you are apparently very superficial if you judge a man on the basis of his height. Someone's height has nothing to do with being a good or a bad partner. I am not saying you should be attracted to a guy who faces your breasts rather than your eyes when he stands in front of you but if you only want to be with guys who are taller than a certain number then you don't know what love is about.

 

I'm sorry but you totally misunderstood me, what I said about short guys is just an example to show that someone can like or dislike an aspect or a characteristic in a person and due to that not make a relationship with this person, but this fact doesn't mean someone hates these people with this characteristic, so i brought an example of the height to prove my point. Of course I don't care about the looks of a guy to choose to be with him or not.

 

I can understand that it's annoying to be judged from only one thing but to be honest this happens a lot in our society, we tend to judge people easily and jump to conclusions. For example if we see a fat person we think "he/she must be insecure and he/she doesn't love his/herself", if we see an unemployed person we think "he is lazy" and so on. It's how people react according to what is commonly usual. In my opinion you shouldn't care about what other people think of you and your choices. Think of this as a good way to filter good and bad dates, the one man who will not ask you this question "why aren't you married?" he will be someone you will want to know better.

[iris219]

I would prefer a never married man.

 

However, when I was single, I had absolutely no luck finding a never married man over 30 who wanted marriage or who was normal. It was only the divorced men who were halfway decent and wanted commitment.

[Johnson1]

My shrink says that used me (aka divorced men) are better. They made the commitment, acknowledge their mistake(s), and are willing to do better. A lot of men who remain single forever will not make the commitment. And yet, consider situations ...

 

Some single men have not found the right woman, most others refuse to make one. Divorced men may acknowledge their mistakes but may not have learned to not repeat them. It's all a very delicate balance when you think of it.

 

I know I've learned what to do and what not to do. Your shrink is right. 1st marriages are a learning curve.