Can't figure what I'm feeling, limerence, crush, obsession?

[Iguanna]

Oh this above post breaks my heart. Other than that I insist than every woman knows when a man desires her. I know I will be called suspicious etc, but is there any chance she knows about your feelings and she is trying to play it cool until you get madly in love with her and you leave your wife for her? If she lives you as friend etc I don't see why she wouldn't want you back other than the fact that you are married. But if you leave your wife without being her fault or without her asking, then she will not feel responsible. All this is only a scenario though, I can't know.

 

I can't say that I'm happy you realized this bitter truth, that you are in love with her, but at least I hope now you will do something about this.

[sweet_pea]

This makes me sad. If you really have such strong feelings for another woman, devoting all of this energy, thought, headspace, care, attention, love, etc. on someone other than your wife (the person you should be giving it to) then maybe you should let your wife know, for one thing, and split up with her because the way you describe your agony over not being with this woman, how much she means to you and so on is not healthy for you or your marriage.

[whichwayisup]

Ugh. Damnit. You guys and gals are correct. No more BS here. I can't talk my way out of it. Sorry to have been in such denial.

 

Just glad you're admitting it now. I know you didn't go looking for this, but you allowed it to happen, unintentionally. Now that you've admitted that you're in love, you have to detach and distance yourself, kill those feelings for her. You are not in a position to explore those feelings and keep this woman close to your heart. For obvious reasons...

 

The thing is, you are married and made a commitment to your wife. Part of the deal there is, recognize what is acceptable and what isn't when it come to man/women friendships. Your wife is very aware and trust me, she is quietly watching to see what happens. She trusts you but she also isn't stupid...

 

Imagine your wife feeling this way towards another man, saying the same stuff you're saying on here. How would you feel? Hurt? Betrayed? Jealous? Worried that the love she had for you has been replaced by loving that other guy? Worried that she'd cheat on you? Give it some thought.

I think I'm madly in love with this girl. I'm head over heels for her. I've been trying to get out of it and was hoping to find some other thing to call it. Just sucks. I absolutely do NOT want this either. Alls it can do is cause pain for people around me. Oh and speaking of pain...

 

I know, and this isn't going to be easy but it's something you have to do, back off, detach and not be involved with her. It sucks but you're married, so "it" can't happen. It's done and doing damage every day to you and to your wife/marriage.

My insides have been being ripped out over the last year so slowly that I hardly noticed. Then, one day it hit me. Her voice, her perfume or whatever it is, her demeanor, everything. Drives me nuts. Honestly I do not think about sex with her though. I'm much more interested in cuddling with her for oh about 72 hours straight. Like a little bear cub clinging to its mother. Oh gawd, why is this happening to me? Why now? She has turned me into a pile of whimpering mush. Of course alls I see is the good because in my eyes she only has good to offer. Like an earthbound angel. A princess. Plus, to make matters worse, she's come from a tough background and childhood which just makes me want to spoil her more and throws gas on the already hot fire. Unbelievable. It's consuming me.

 

You let this happen by opening your heart to another woman, allowing yourself to become too close. Not having tight boundaries that you don't cross, rules to live by.

 

Is everyone saying that this will never go away by itself at some point? I mean, doesn't this kind of thing fade out when you know that nothing is ever going to come of it? I would think and hope so. The job market is tough and I like my job and other co workers. I've established myself here and don't want to start over somewhere else just because of this. I MUST make this work(meaning feelings go way) somehow without bailing on the job.

 

IT won't go away unless you put 100% effort into detaching and making your feelings stop. You are feeding them constantly. It will take time, won't happen over night either. You have to be strong, tough on yourself, and hate to say it, KILL the white in shining armour fantasy of rescuing her. She does NOT need to be rescued. I said that before too. She is fine. She is where she wants to be and if you DO love her as you say you do, respect the fact nothing can ever happen and make yourself see her with flaws, kill the fantasy and roses. Seek counseling to help you. Talk to your wife, be honest with her about what is going on inside of you.

 

 

 

This is the worst thing ever..... Just killing me in so many ways.

 

Which is worse? Losing this newly found woman that you allowed yourself to crush/fall in love with, someone you know but really "don't" know as you've only see the good stuff and enjoyed her company in fun times, or lose all that you've worked hard for, are used to - Your wife, who loves you, who is there for you through thick and thin, your kids, your home, your family unit as one. Losing your in laws, respect from family members, losing possibly friends, having to share custody and not see your kids daily, separate holiday schedules, birthdays, etc..etc..

 

Of course it's going to hurt. You can do this all in steps, but you HAVE to commit to yourself by distancing and detaching, not relying on her for anything. That's why you have a wife. Don't ask questions anymore, don't offer personal information. And yes, tell her why. And also Do talk to your wife, she needs to know as well what is going on and why that friendship has to be halted.

[whichwayisup]

I was going to tell you the same thing as the above posters, but you've finally acknowledged it.

 

Bottom line, I've posted my story, but saw a woman at my daughter's school, never thought her my type, our kids were best friends and we found out. Her H, me and my W all hung out together, we had dinner, went to movies with our kids, were at each other's houses but silly me, she and I were "just friends", she didn't see me as someone she would be attracted to, or so I thought.

 

We hung out all the time together, we always came to the school a bit earlier than necessary, 15-30 minutes earlier, so we could talk. But we were just friends and I couldn't figure out why I couldn't wait to talk to her, couldn't wait to see her, because she just wasn't my type, she was just cool, we talked about it all and she was concerned when I was injured on the job and we were called "snark buddies" by her H, so we were just friends, that's it.

 

And when my W asked me to discontinue the friendship, when she said she didn't like the fact that she made plans thru me and not calling her, that she was at our house with her kid when she came home, that there was more to this than a friendship, I scoffed, WE WERE JUST FRIENDS!! I couldn't bare losing her from my life, I loved the way she smelled and laughed at my stupidity, and it went on and on. Just friends though, she wasn't interested in me, not like that....until.....

 

The day she suggested we go to lunch, the flirting had increased, I finally saw it, but nah, she wouldn't catch on, her flirting was innocent, nothing meant by it, and then she said she thought I was hot and I told her the same and then we were in it, head over heels I was, she says she was too....couldnt keep our hands off each other, went nuts without her, looked at my wife as an evil person, someone who was in the way of my destiny to be with this goddess who was ten years younger than me.... and then dday, my W found out, but did not tell her H and then I was left there, no more wonderful girlfriend, she bailed ran back home, told me to never talk to her again.... safety and security over love/lust and uncertainty and there I was, trying to figure it all out, how it progressed to that, how I didn't see it coming and how to repair a marriage that wasn't all that bad to begin with.........

 

All these things you mention, how you feel around her, how she smells, how you love it all....those are for your wife, for your family, and yes, you can cut it off, in a heartbeat, but like me, you don't want to, but you are heading down a path that can cause everyone involved great pain and despair. Just because you don't think she has feelings for you or is enthralled with the attention and it won't go anywhere, doesn't mean jack squat because if she showed you she wanted you in any way, those feelings of wanting to cuddle would disappear and you would mount that woman like she was the winning horse at the Kentucky Derby.

 

Stop it now, before it all comes crashing down, but you probably won't listen, just like all my buddies who knew what I was thinking, they said, don't do it, it's trouble, don't do it.........but I did it and Ive been suffering ever since.

 

I hope you figure it all out, either let your wife go and find happiness, or make her your best friend again and let tihs woman, who you don't really know, have no big history with, and owe no loyalty to.....let her go on her way.

 

Lizard, read this post 100 times and then 100 times more until you see that taking that wrong step could make you lose everything.

 

You have a great life at home with your wife and kids. Don't mess that up.

[Mr. Lizard]

Folks, let's get one thing straight: I'm not leaving my wife and I still love her and care for her deeply. Even if, and it's not going to happen, but even if this other chick said to leave my wife and she'll cancel her wedding in four months I'd say NO and I mean that too. Would i be bummed? Sure. Would i feel sick about it? He'll yes. But I wouldn't do that to wifey and the kids. Seriously.

 

That all being said, detaching from her isn't so easy. I'm not leaving my job. It just isn't going to happen. I'm expected to just walk into work tomorrow and ignore her blatantly and then when she asks me what's wrong I'm supposed to say.....what? "Stay away from me"? "I'm in love with you and can't handle it so you need to leave me alone"? Really? Just like that? We've known each other for 13 years, have confided in one another, have a great time at work & work well together, and really do have a solid friendship. I'm just supposed to nuke that all in 30 seconds with some precanned saying or quick speech? Y'all don't find that a tad unrealistic? Remember, she has NO idea I feel this way. She knows I care about her but I've never flirted and she never has either. There is no tension between us about romance or anything. Nothing will ever come of it since she doesn't feel the same way I do and I won't leave my wife anyways.

 

I just...it's so damned cold of me to do that. I don't think I can do it. She'll be devastated and I will too. Then, she'll suspect something is up and I don't want that either. Her finding out I love her will just make work tense and awkward forever. But, ignoring her rudely out of the blue isn't going to make work pleasant either. She's my immediate supervisor too...I told you guys that.

 

I get that people are giving me objective advice here and it's appreciated, believe me. I've admitted my fault here and that wasn't easy to do. I feel this is a correctable situation. But, emotionally I don't have it in me to just tell her to eff off so matter of factly. I mean.... I can't do it. I have to find a way to dismiss these feelings even if do maintain some contact with her. Ugh.

 

RickFox = I hear ya brother. Sounds like you had the same slow burn thing happen to you. It just seemed so innocent, right? Just friends, right? Yeah, until you realize when it's too late that you are completely bonkers for the girl. It's brutal. The difference with you and I is that my girl is NOT making advances and flirting. Yours was. You were sort of doing the same thing but I never did. Our situations are different in many ways so your solution may not be the same as mine.

 

Let me see how tomorrow goes. Alls I can do is very carefully and slowly try to back off without her noticing. It's going to be hard though, she always visits me first thing in the morning and will likely be her usual bubbly, fun self. Probably look extra good too just to rub it in. I got myself into this mess so now I gotta get myself out. It's gonna suck..... I can tell already.

Edited November 21, 2013 by Mr. Lizard

[Iguanna]

I don't believe she has NO clue about your feelings. Women know these things even when men swear to God they have given no clues.

 

Secondly, what you can say is "my wife doesn't feel that comfortable with us being so close so it's better if we keep some distance for some time between us".

 

We have a saying in my country that says "you want both the dog fed and the pie whole", meaning you want to have everything as you want them to be: your wife, your family in general without a problem and your job and friendship with this woman (who you admitted you are in love with!!!) without being stopped. Well I'm sorry but this can't go on happening without a disaster for much more. I wish I'm wrong but the signs show that the ending won't be good.

 

If you really want to find an excuse to stop being that close with this woman you will find it. Thing is, at the moment you have everything in order so you don't feel the need to do so.

 

But not everything is in order: your wife asked you if you have a crush on her and you said no. You lied to her. This doesn't seem everything is ok to me...

 

My wife is aware of the situation and she knows I have a spot for this girl in my heart. She has asked me if I have a crush on her and I replied no which I believe is true.

 

I think I'm madly in love with this girl. I'm head over heels for her. I've been trying to get out of it and was hoping to find some other thing to call it.

 

See?

[whichwayisup]

Nobody is telling you to tell her to F off, not sure where you got that. But, you DO need to detach from her. Stop relying on her to much, stop asking her about her day and being open with her. The bonding has to stop.

 

I like the suggestion Iguanna has given you, to say to her "my wife doesn't feel that comfortable with us being so close so it's better if we keep some distance for some time between us".

 

I'd even add onto that and say "I have to respect how she feels, if the situation was reversed, I certainly wouldn't like her being so close to another man."

 

**BTW, you didn't answer my question to you in an earlier reply. About exactly that , what if the situation was reversed and it was your wife who was extremely close to another man, feeling the same way towards him that you feel towards your co worker.** My guess is , you wouldn't like it much at all.

[Mcle]

Like most men that think you are "in love" with someone besides their wife you are in major denial. You think that you have your wife/marriage in the bag and could not possibly lose it over this. I recommend that you go read the infidelity boards her or surviving infidelity. There are many who discovered EAs such as yours. If the marriage lasts it is never the same and you and your family will suffer for a long time.

[Mr. Lizard]

Iguana: I must disagree that she knows. I don't think she would be OK with it. Really. I believe if she sensed such a thing that she'd be acting rather differently and much less friendly. But, that's just my opinion I guess. I'll never know and really don't want to.

 

I am busted. I did tell the wife that my feelings for her were of the brother/sister variety. That's not really the case even though sometimes I do feel that way towards her.

 

I do admit that breaking this off can be done. It's just damned, damned hard to fathom. Each morning I try to work up the courage but completely chicken out as soon as we start conversing. I have to do this, but it's gonna be like quitting smoking was - it might take time and several tries. Please remember, I'm a human being and I cannot turn my feelings on and off like a garden hose. This didn't happen overnight and won't end overnight. Fair enough?

 

Whichwayisup: of course no one told me to tell her to eff off but that's how it would feel if I just walked in and dropped everything just like that. Figure of speech or whatever.

 

Yes, iguanas quote sure sounds good. Like I said though, I need time here. I need to brace myself for this and get the balls to do it. It's easy for you guys and gals to say.....much harder for me to say!

 

** You are correct that if this was reversed I'd be bummed out about it alright. But, if it ended without an affair or physical contact I'd be a lot more ok with it. I suppose emotionally cheating is the same thing but it's more tolerable than full out affairs, IMO.

 

Mcle: if anything I'm going to try and nuke this because I DO care for my wife and family. Ironically, this wouldn't work even if I didn't have a family already since she doesn't feel the same way as I do. Just more reason it's pointless. Like I said though, I can't stop what's in my heart, I can only fight it.

 

Our marriage will last. The road ain't always going to be smooth but I'm not throwing our 16 years away and I don't believe what's happening to me is that uncommon. These forums and others filled with this stuff. It happens.

 

I'll let ya know how it's going. The Holidays will actually be a good thing since it will be family focused and I end that right now.

 

Thanks everyone

Edited November 22, 2013 by Mr. Lizard

[GG3]

I just wanted to add a note here.

 

I don't think you will have to be drastic, mean or too direct about ending the inappropriateness of your friendship with this girl like you are worried about. I think you can politely be "busy" and a little avoidant. "I'm sorry I'm just swamped right now." Definitely don't go to lunches with her obviously. I think with some time and effort you could shift the friendship to something with better boundaries without things blowing up into a big drama or hurting her feelings.

 

If she does get really upset about your distance, I think saying something simple like, "I appreciate our friendship but I felt like I disrespected my wife by spending so much time with you or flirting with you and I can't do that anymore. But we'll always be friends okay?"

 

Just my opinion anyway.

[whichwayisup]

I am busted. I did tell the wife that my feelings for her were of the brother/sister variety. That's not really the case even though sometimes I do feel that way towards her.

Do yourself a favour, start calling your wife "my wife" not 'the' wife. You may not know or you're saying it in jest, but in your situation by calling her 'the wife' is detachment. It is obvious you're not emotional connected or too attached to your wife because you're too attached to someone else....

 

I do admit that breaking this off can be done. It's just damned, damned hard to fathom. Each morning I try to work up the courage but completely chicken out as soon as we start conversing. I have to do this, but it's gonna be like quitting smoking was - it might take time and several tries. Please remember, I'm a human being and I cannot turn my feelings on and off like a garden hose. This didn't happen overnight and won't end overnight. Fair enough?

No, it'll take time but you need to make a choice and stick to it. Make yourself accountable for your decision. You can't waiver and go back and forth. One day/one week be distant towards her, then the following days or week be buddybuddy and close to her again. Once you back off, you stay backed off. You have to. You cannot have your cake and eat it too, it's just got to be this way because you're married and as is she (nearly), and NO good can come of this long term for either of you, but especially you. It's selfish and ON the expense of your wife and kids, your family unit. It's a waiting cancer (not her, the feelings you have) waiting to destroy the goodness and love you share with your wife. A married man really shouldn't get close to another woman, it is asking trouble, putting ones self in a dumb situation that affects innocent people.

 

The friendship is between you and her, not your spouses. Sure, you all may have gone out as couples, but the focus really was about her and how you enjoy her.

 

Your wife isn't stupid. She knows you and she can probably read you more like a book than you realize. And, your co worker may not be thinking "Oh he is in love with me" but she feels a closeness and a connection to you as well. She knows but like you, isn't talking about it.

Whichwayisup: of course no one told me to tell her to eff off but that's how it would feel if I just walked in and dropped everything just like that. Figure of speech or whatever.

 

You cant' do this in baby steps, she will wonder what is up. You have to face this head on and be mature and clear about this to her. Again, she's not stupid, she knows that you two are too close for comfort.

 

You tell her "I adore you but it's obvious this is dangerous (at least for me it is) that we spend a lot of time together and it's making me feel distant towards my wife. I love her and don't want to lose my family. My fear is, if you and I continue being close friends like we have been, we've got a mess that could happen and I respect you too much, as well as my wife to 'go' there. I am sorry. But we need to have breathing space and as much as it pains me to say this, I need to distance myself and back off. I hope you understand this is the way it has to be."

 

It takes courage. You have no choice but to do this and man up. If you can't, your marriage is at risk.

 

Your co worker isn't going to 'freak out', if she respects you the same way you do towards her, she'll get it right away and agree with you. She doesn't want to lose what she has with her soon to be hubby. You don't want to lose your wife, and family unit as one, right? Just do it. The sooner, the better and all at once. You can't drag this out for weeks and weeks, it has to happen soon.

[Mr. Lizard]

All right, folks. I think I can work with this. To be totally honest, just talking about it here and realizing that it will never amount to anything has already begun the process of backing off a little. I really DONT have that puppy dog feeling as much anymore. Friday at work, she did lunch with her fiancée and I went with some other co workers. We stil talked and joked as usual but I swear... Something inside of me is burning a little more dimly than a few weeks ago when I was absolutely going bonkers over this girl.

 

Do i still care about her? HELL yes and that's not going to change. Do I still plan on us being in each other's lives at some level? Yes I do. Me and my wife are still going her wedding in April next year too. I suspect well even do a holiday hangout one of these nights since we've been planning to do so.

 

Believe it or not, I'm going to make this work without a complete separation from her. I have to, she's my boss and co worker. We have no choice but to make it work. I just hope my subtle backing off isn't noticed too much.

 

Wish me luck and thanks a bunch for the mostly good advice and suggestions.

 

I'll check in in a few weeks for an update. I'm being serious too, that burning desire to run off to an island to be with her forever has lowered its temperature recently. It really has.

[whichwayisup]

All right, folks. I think I can work with this. To be totally honest, just talking about it here and realizing that it will never amount to anything has already begun the process of backing off a little. I really DONT have that puppy dog feeling as much anymore. Friday at work, she did lunch with her fiancée and I went with some other co workers. We stil talked and joked as usual but I swear... Something inside of me is burning a little more dimly than a few weeks ago when I was absolutely going bonkers over this girl.

 

Hold yourself responsible and accountable from now on. Meaning, do not let yourself 'think of her' often. Deal with her at work, focus ON work, and when home, focus on your wife and kids. Not HER. At all.

 

Slowly disengage outside of work...In time this can fade off, especially once she is married and bonding more with her husband.

 

 

Do i still care about her? HELL yes and that's not going to change. Do I still plan on us being in each other's lives at some level? Yes I do. Me and my wife are still going her wedding in April next year too. I suspect well even do a holiday hangout one of these nights since we've been planning to do so.

Don't offer for that holiday get together. Just..Don't. If she doesn't bring up, you do not bring it up.

Believe it or not, I'm going to make this work without a complete separation from her. I have to, she's my boss and co worker. We have no choice but to make it work. I just hope my subtle backing off isn't noticed too much.

If you do it the right way, she probably won't take offense to it. Just stay busier at work and let her approach you first. Don't go out of your way to hang out with her, go to lunch etc.. Eventually though (if she brings it up) you need to talk to her and say the closeness is too much and that your wife wouldn't be happy that you two are bonding so much, and that you feel it's wrong as well. Less detail the better.

 

Wish me luck and thanks a bunch for the mostly good advice and suggestions.

 

I'll check in in a few weeks for an update. I'm being serious too, that burning desire to run off to an island to be with her forever has lowered its temperature recently. It really has.

 

You have to push yourself to really detach and want this distance, if you let your heart and emotions get in the way, nothing will change. you can say the words all you want, actions to back it up is the only way here.