Piggy backs onto the question how often do you communicate

[blue963]

We only communicate with instant messaging. Are frequency of communication is OK, but of course you always like it to be better. Wife is away. Today we chatted for a total of an hour. Last time was at lunch time, as he was working today and said try and chat later. He also did not sleep well last night and did tell me today that he is feeling overwhelmed. I guess what is bothering me most is that I wanted to get a good night and miss you and that didn't happen. I think this type of relationship changes what you will accept. How do you manage to accept and deal? I think it has a lot to do with a particular day too. Sometimes I am constantly questioning if I am over sensitive.

Edited November 17, 2013 by blue963

[whichwayisup]

Why no phone calls? Texts just seem so non personal and detached, leaves room for things to be taken the wrong way, it's hard to express personality through texting.

 

You shouldn't have high expectations that way you won't be disappointed that he doesn't say what you want him to say or feel. Go with the flow and try not to feel insecure.

[blue963]

IM because we set up so there are no records. We also video at the same time so that you can see expressions.... It is like we are sitting face to face.

[megamommy]

My MM and I only text, chat on FB and RARELY call each other. Both my ex and his wife have looked at our call logs on the mobile accounts online and questions our phone numbers. So we have agree'd since we have been friends for 11 years, we will only talk on the phone on rare occasions!

[GypsumSatellite]

I think you need to evaluate what you need as your baseline communication with him. If you are good with a video IM once a day, then that's your baseline. If you want a certain length or frequency you will need to tell him. If you need or want a goodnight IM session, tell him.

 

Mine went from only texting to sporadic phone calls, to him calling me every day. I never asked for this, he did it of his own accord. I would actually be happier at this stage with him calling me less and devoting that time to more in person conversations, but he never seems to have enough time. Shocker. And when he's home alone with thekids, do you think he needs my company desperately? Nope. That shows you where you're at in his totem pole. Even when he's all alone, what does he need? A quick top up. What do you need? A more enriching experience.

 

Should you settle for less than you want? Never. These types of relationship may make you feel like you should but out of any relationship, you should DEFINITELY get what you want out of an affair... what's the point otherwise?

[Cdngirl5279]

We communicated via phone, text, and Facetime 24/7/365. Texting throughout the work day with a call during our mutual lunch break. Phone calls while he was driving to work (longer commute) and home from work, calls throughout the evening. We did Facetime if I was around home where the wifi network is, and sometimes late at night so we could see each other.

[bentleychic]

We talk on the phone, text or message on facebook (not often on the fb and nothing really private most of the time. Normally a link to a property he's asked me to look at or something one of us were interested, song we want the other to hear, etc.) throughout the week. Weekends it's either texting or facebook (not often) and very rarely he'll call if he's out and about alone and has time to.

 

As for what you are okay with...you just have to decide what you personally can deal w/. Everyone has a different amount that they are okay with dealing with.

[Got it]

I think you need to figure out what you want, what you will accept/compromise and that is a deal breaker. Ever relationship is different so you and he are writing the rules to this partnership. Do not concede just because you think you need to, speak your mind and engage in discussion.

 

I did not jump through tons of hoops because he was married, no just the opposite, that was his baby to rock. So it is really up to what you two want and need.

[WrinkledForehead]

I don't think a single day has gone by since we started our R (even within the A context) that we haven't spoken in one form or another. Even in the throes of the A we'd text at the least, but usually spoke on the phone as well, and several times a day.

[CelticHeart]

I would actually be happier at this stage with him calling me less and devoting that time to more in person conversations, but he never seems to have enough time. Shocker. And when he's home alone with thekids, do you think he needs my company desperately? Nope. That shows you where you're at in his totem pole. Even when he's all alone, what does he need? A quick top up.

 

GS, this hits the nail right on the head!

[MissBee]

We only communicate with instant messaging. Are frequency of communication is OK, but of course you always like it to be better. Wife is away. Today we chatted for a total of an hour. Last time was at lunch time, as he was working today and said try and chat later. He also did not sleep well last night and did tell me today that he is feeling overwhelmed. I guess what is bothering me most is that I wanted to get a good night and miss you and that didn't happen. I think this type of relationship changes what you will accept. How do you manage to accept and deal? I think it has a lot to do with a particular day too. Sometimes I am constantly questioning if I am over sensitive.

 

I don't think these kinds of relationships are the best for fostering security. It's not something wrong with you or you being too sensitive etc. why. It is very legitimate that being with a person who is primarily in an open relationship with someone else and you are their secret on the side where you only talk on the computer is not at all something most people find fulfilling permanently and it does lead to all kinds of anxieties and insecurities, as it should.

 

I will be honest and say: in good faith I can't encourage an OW or any other woman to "accept and deal" with a situation that from the outset is one they're dissatisfied with.

 

I can only give my experiences though, which is that: I had more of his time than what you're describing you have. So that helped a lot for me to "accept" things, as for the most part, the facts of our situation were such that, unlike many MM (he wasn't married) he had a lot more freedom to see me and speak with me, so that allowed me to be okay and "forget" the reality that he was juggling two relationships. However, inevitably the two worlds would collide from time to time and there would be times when because it was an A, I couldn't get all I wanted and I felt anxious and insecure. I had temporary ways of being okay with it. You care about this person and you want to be with them, so "love covers a multitude of sins" as they say, i.e. you tolerate a lot more sometimes than you should. So I would toggle between being disenchanted and frustrated and coping with it and shifting my mentality. In the end though for me, I realized I was not OW material. I didn't have what it took to do it for the long haul, I couldn't rearrange my mind and demands enough for all of this, so it had to end for me.