HollyGolightlly Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 So, after 7 months of going to and from me and his wife, he decided yesterday that he had to go back for the sake of the kids. And he can't be selfish. It's the whole classic case scenario. He told her he loves me, etc. She knows all about me and just kept using the kids against him and making him feel like a bad dad...the classic story. I left him peacefully and I've never contacted the wife. That was yesterday. This morning I found out I'm pregnant. It's his. I took 5 tests and they're all positive, I had a panic attack for hours and I have not told him. I am not supposed to be pregnant, I only have one ovary and I have endometriosis and was classified as "infertile" (Long story, I was a surrogate mother so that's how I know these things, I lost my ovary during the surrogacy) And not only that, I haven't gotten pregnant and I've been with him for 7 months. I don't know what I'm asking for right now, but just support or advice on how to tell him and what to expect from him, maybe. Should I wait until my missed period? (due in 4 days or so ) just to make sure the pregnancy stays? I've never had a miscarriage... Should I wait a few weeks? ( him and I have never gone more than a week without talking, where he always "tries" to leave her, etc) What should I do? Background story: He's 11 years older, has two kids- boys (3 and 6).
Author HollyGolightlly Posted November 17, 2013 Author Posted November 17, 2013 My title was supposed to say "Need advice now"...ugh
LaceyFace Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 If you plan on keeping the baby no matter what, wait until after your missed period. I got pregnant to mine, and before I got a chance to tell him I miscarried. I did tell him a day later after I collected myself...it will then be his choice, but you need to be clear. It's her or you. He needs to make a clean cut decision. It's better for you and that baby to move on if he chooses her. Stay strong. You now have a blessing given to you. Focus on the well being of that baby.
BrokenPrincess Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 Waiting until you miss your period isn't necessarily going to mean much in terms of a miscarriage--they say now roughly 1 in 3 or 1 in 4 pregnancies miscarries in the first trimester. So when your period doesn't come this week, you're still only going to be about 4 weeks along, with a solid 8 weeks to go until you're out of the danger zone. What is your support system like? Does anyone know about MM? Can you confide in someone else to at least give yourself a couple days to process what's happening? No matter what, if you decide you're not going to terminate the pregnancy, MM deserves to know, but I'd rely on the support of someone else right now to help you figure out what you want to do. 2
happy stillmore Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 A baby is a blessing and a miracle in my mind. I think it is fortunate in your situation that your relationship was known already. A pregnancy can be an expected outcome of sex (kinda of a joke there) and his wife had to concluded you were having sex with MM. Sure, this is not an ideal situation and I don't envy you. I have to ask, do you want this baby? Do you have other children? Can you imagine if your baby is a girl? I can't help but think the BS would be extra upset. You need to ask some heavy questions: Does MM want his life with you or his BS? His wife may kick him out at this point. She may not be willing to share him with you as you are not willing to share him with her. Do you want or able to properly raise this baby? If not, adoption is a gift you can give a living couple not able to have children. If you want the baby, he will have to support his child financially. "You play, gotta pay." I pray for strength for you and you find a solution that works for you.
threelaurels Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 So, after 7 months of going to and from me and his wife, he decided yesterday that he had to go back for the sake of the kids. And he can't be selfish. It's the whole classic case scenario. He told her he loves me, etc. She knows all about me and just kept using the kids against him and making him feel like a bad dad...the classic story. I left him peacefully and I've never contacted the wife. That was yesterday. This morning I found out I'm pregnant. It's his. I took 5 tests and they're all positive, I had a panic attack for hours and I have not told him. I am not supposed to be pregnant, I only have one ovary and I have endometriosis and was classified as "infertile" (Long story, I was a surrogate mother so that's how I know these things, I lost my ovary during the surrogacy) And not only that, I haven't gotten pregnant and I've been with him for 7 months. I don't know what I'm asking for right now, but just support or advice on how to tell him and what to expect from him, maybe. Should I wait until my missed period? (due in 4 days or so ) just to make sure the pregnancy stays? I've never had a miscarriage... Should I wait a few weeks? ( him and I have never gone more than a week without talking, where he always "tries" to leave her, etc) What should I do? Background story: He's 11 years older, has two kids- boys (3 and 6). I would wait until (a) you have visited your doctor for confirmation of the pregnancy, and (b) have a good idea of what route you want to take with the pregnancy (abortion, adoption, or raising the child). I think telling him before you know what you want will just open the door to him pressuring you into making a choice you may later regret. If you have the child, know that you may be raising the child alone with only financial support from him (if you choose to go through the courts for child support). Alternatively, he and his wife may request custody of the child, leaving you to co-parent with them both. You should in no way expect that having the child will get him to leave her for you. You have to be prepared to go through this pregnancy and raise the child without any support from him at all. 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 (edited) Laurels might be right, but this is my experience. I believe he needs to know now. I had the same thing happen - found out I was pregnant after dday and I lost the baby a few weeks later. I was waiting to tell him to be sure the pregnancy held and of course we were supposed to be no contact. For me telling him about if after the miscarriage created doubt that I was actually pregnant at all. Anyway i lost the baby, we did meet one time ( the last time) months later to bury a box for the baby. In so many ways it was a blessing - my age, my kids ages, the fact that we were supposed to be healing our marriages and trying to reconcile - it would have added such a different dimension to our already screwed up situation - but I sometimes wonder (because of our families histories together) if a child might not have helped to heal all of that faster. Anyway - if I were you I would not wait - I would tell him. He will be skeptical and so will his bs - they may even think this is a disparate attempt to keep him. At any rate he does need to know and his bs deserves to know what she is going to be dealing with as well. It won't be easy. Edited November 17, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong
rumbleseat Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 If you thought you had zero chance of getting pregnant, why rush put and but a pregnancy test four days before your missed period? What would make you possibly think you were pregnant if you are "classed as infertile"? 2
will-ow Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 Oh Holly, I feel for you. I've just read through some of your old posts and I can't imagine the pain and frustration you've gone through over that past few months, without adding this uncertainty to the mix now. IF you are pregnant you will have to tell him - whatever the morality of the situation and how your future will pan out, he does have a right to know if he's fathered another child. I do think you need to wait a while though - to be absolutely sure you are pregnant, and also so that anything you say and do can't just be dismissed or misunderstood as a reaction to his latest behaviour.
Author HollyGolightlly Posted November 17, 2013 Author Posted November 17, 2013 If you thought you had zero chance of getting pregnant, why rush put and but a pregnancy test four days before your missed period? What would make you possibly think you were pregnant if you are "classed as infertile"? Not that I would care if anyone followed the same route- BUT I would test ALMOST every month I was with him. Why? Because although I was told I was infertile I had never had unprotected sex in the manner I did with him with to even test the theory. I have been with him for 7 months and I never got pregnant until now. And to be honest- I'm still in denial after 7 tests. If I was so HOP on about getting pregnant- don't you think I'd run to him RIGHT AWAY and tell him? No, he's with his wife trying to "fix" his marriage and I'm here wondering if I should get an abortion and never tell him just for the sake of the happiness of us all. Also, I've been pregnant before- I know what it feels like. I also know what it feels like when I'm about to get my period and that's what really prompted me to test. There is no "story" to get straight. He knows the truth and that's all that really matters. He knows I didn't do this on purpose. And to be frank- it's practically unbelievable even to myself. I didn't come here to get questioned, I came here to get advice from other girls who know what it's like to wear the scarlet A. I never, ever, ever thought this would be the end result. 1
Author HollyGolightlly Posted November 17, 2013 Author Posted November 17, 2013 Oh Holly, I feel for you. I've just read through some of your old posts and I can't imagine the pain and frustration you've gone through over that past few months, without adding this uncertainty to the mix now. IF you are pregnant you will have to tell him - whatever the morality of the situation and how your future will pan out, he does have a right to know if he's fathered another child. I do think you need to wait a while though - to be absolutely sure you are pregnant, and also so that anything you say and do can't just be dismissed or misunderstood as a reaction to his latest behaviour. That's exactly what my fear is. That I would tell him and then for whatever reason have a miscarriage and he would think I made it up. But, I just took another test today and it's even darker now. And being that I've never had a m/c I'm starting to get a glimpse that this situation is real. I don't even know if I want him anymore- after all of the times he told me he was leaving her and coming to me. It got to the point where I just became numb to the goodbyes. I know I have a huge decision to make...and I just won't make it on a whim, I'm trying to figure this out. Thank you for being kind
Raena Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 Oh Holly, I feel for you. I really do. That's a lot coming from me... (the BS in my situation and having had my ex get another woman pregnant while I was pregnant too.) I know exactly how you feel though. I had ended my relationship with my son's father 2 weeks before I found out I was pregnant with his child. He had already gone back to his ex-wife. They were divorced at the time, but he went straight to her when I kicked him out. It's a confusing time and all of that drama made my pregnancy very difficult. But... in the end, my son is the best blessing I've ever had. If this pregnancy does in fact work out for you, you may feel the same way. I'd seriously think about whether or not you want to tell him though. In my case, I wish I hadn't. I really do, especially right now. It would have saved me and my son a great deal of angst. You have a lot to think about right now, try not to stress yourself out and wait a while before you make the decision to tell him.
will-ow Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 Thank you for being kind You're welcome - I thought that kindness and support was what this space on the forum was for, and that's why I joined up, but I am learning very fast that some posters just use it as a space for hating and attacking OW/OM. Anyway, to get back to your topic, I guess the other reason I would urge you to tell him is that if you decide to keep the child you and your baby have a right to some support from him; and if you don't then I still think he has a right to know about his child (and you never know, it may be the final push he needs to make his mind up one way or the other.) 2
lilmisscantbewrong Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 Wow - what happened? I go away for awhile and a couple of posts are removed. Holly I hope everything turns out okay for you - keep us posted.
Author HollyGolightlly Posted November 18, 2013 Author Posted November 18, 2013 I'm going to find a walk-in clinic tomorrow. I figure I might as well have something in hand from a doctor to confirm that in fact the crazy circumstances are actually unfolding. I opened up an email to his best friend and I wrote everything..but I didn't send it- it's in my drafts. My friends go different ways- some say tell him now the other say wait. I just am going to take it day by day and see how long I can hold off for. I don't even know how long the doctor takes to get the results back, anyway. thanks guys... Not sure how this will end.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 Goodluck. Please resolve that you most likely will be facing this on your own. Take care of yourself and that baby.
Yayo Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 OMG Holly. My deepest sympathies for you. Having your MM go back and forth and not be able to make a decision is THE WORST thing ever. I can vouch for that too. The fact that you're supposedly infertile...if you are in fact pregnant I say that its meant to be...I mean come on! Don't get me wrong, I am 10000000% pro choice and you decide what you want to do, but that sounds like fate to me. This baby could be the biggest blessing of your entire life, with or without him in your life. Stay strong. I'll be thinking of you please keep us updated xo
Author HollyGolightlly Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 Well, pretty much my worst nightmare is playing out. He is 100% ignoring me, he was getting a co worker to text me to pretty much tell me to get an abortion. I'm speechless, angry, and hurt. I am not going to try to contact him again and I'm trying to figure out what I want to do... I know what my options are, but it sucks that he won't even speak to me to let me know how he is helping either way. I'm devastated beyond words. And- i'm the only one to blame..when I wake up he will still be prancing around with his wife while I wake up still pregnant.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 That doesn't surprise me. You need to protect yourself and your unborn child. Forge ahead without expectation that he will be anywhere near involved in your life. However, I would make preparations to be sure he at least supports this child financially. Take care of yourself.
Yayo Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Well, pretty much my worst nightmare is playing out. He is 100% ignoring me, he was getting a co worker to text me to pretty much tell me to get an abortion. I'm speechless, angry, and hurt. I am not going to try to contact him again and I'm trying to figure out what I want to do... I know what my options are, but it sucks that he won't even speak to me to let me know how he is helping either way. I'm devastated beyond words. And- i'm the only one to blame..when I wake up he will still be prancing around with his wife while I wake up still pregnant. OMG. sooo many hugs your way! I'm so sorry you're going through this, I can't even imagine. Do you have any kind of support system other than that *******? Friends? Good relationship with family, etc? I would cling to them like no other right now. Take a lot of time to think and decide what you want to do for YOU. Be easy on yourself, and take care <3
Iguanna Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 Wow so the wife knows and she forgives him? I'm sorry but this is the point that made me freeze more than anything. Maybe cause I'm from another country, different cultures etc, I see all these threads and discussions here and I find them weird for my beliefs. Not that I blame anyone etc, but I still wonder, how can you know your husband loves someone else, he has an affair for 7 months and you decide to forgive him? Don't these people predict that after like 10, 15, 20 years they will be miserable and they may regret these choices? Regarding the pregnancy, if you have decided to keep it regardless if he'll be there or not, then there is no need to rush to tell him, unless you want to "use" this fact to hurt his wife and push him to leave her even more. I dislike women who use their children to force their husband to stay with them soooo much... I know a story about a woman who had 2 kids when he was 30, her husband asked her "well now you got 2 kids, are you happy?" and she replied "are you nuts? i haven't "tied" you yet" (I don't know if you get what I mean). She had a third child after 5 years to get sure her husband will be bound to her until he's 65 (he is 10 years older than her) so he would not ever leave her. I consider this really unethical.
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