Quick Question About Dating Single Mom and Her Sex Drive

[husker1989]

Ok all I've been talking exclusively to my current gf since end of august and started an exclusive relationship early September. We went through some tough stuff (her stressed with work and taking it out on me and me kinda acting needy, she also had some hormonal stuff happen due to BC and lost a family member). She has since calmed her stress and anxiety and I've worked to knock off my needyness or acting clingy. Where things stand as of right now emotionally for both of us (having strong feelings, missing each other, alot of spark and fire etc), we are totally on the same page there after some work on both our ends. She works two jobs (about 50 hr weeks in total and has a 4 1/2 year old son). I'm currently a full time student finishing my undergrad, working 20-30 hr weeks. So both our schedules are busier then most for those in a relationship (most people I know anyways), but we are committed and we plan to make it work. However since we only see each other 1 time a week, I got spoiled last weekend and seen her both sat and sunday night. We are planning a couple getaway to K.C. at the start of JAN for a couple days.

 

Now onto my slight problem - I have an extremely high drive, I could do it multiple times daily 7 days in a row if need be. At the start of us dating, she was jumping my bones (pulling me by my tie into her bedroom after I got done at work etc). We were having sex 1-2 nights per week at 2-4 times a night. Then when we went through our "struggles" we didn't have sex from sept 29th until October 26th, things seemed shaky and I dug deep to do some self reflection. Now I'm all for letting sex happening naturally and not planning it, however I really like my gf and honestly every time I see her I just get all hot and heavy. I made some romantic fully body massage coupons for her (gave her four of them), this way she gets a full body massage and I get to see her body in all it's glory and which usually leads to sex. However when I bring up that I'd like to have sex more often (not planning it just making a general statement), she says to let it happen naturally and that it means more that way and then changes the subject. I know for a fact that she isn't cheating on me, talking to other guys etc she is very much into this relationship (overall says she is alot happier). She has told me that sex isn't the most important thing and I agree, but I really enjoy those intimate moments with each other. Any suggestions or things I can try talking about or trying? Since we only see each other once a week as is, the most sex we could have would be one time a week anyhow? Sometimes we don't see each for 10 days and then sometimes sex just gets pushed to the back burner. Something that has me hopeful is that the trip to K.C. she brought up the whole idea on her own and wants to help pay; even suggested getting a couple new lingerie outfits from VS and surprise me. Should I continue just going with the flow? I've been able to tone my sex drive down out of respect for her (I have great self control).

 

 

 

 

Thanks all.

Edited November 17, 2013 by husker1989

[husker1989]

Ok I would really like some input, an arguement has started.

 

So in my original post we haven't had sex since October 26th, this morning I brought it up in the most non-douchebag way possible. I said "is it wrong for me as a loving boyfriend and a nice guy to feel bad about wanting sex more then once a month"? Her response "no, but you are making it seem like it's a huge priority to you and is that all you want"? I told her "No, I think it is very important though to be intimate in that way in a relationship".. Her response "yes I know babe, you've told me before that you think it is important". So the conversation goes on for a little bit and she says "it seems like you are trying to plan to have sex and it should just happen naturally, if I were to ask any one of my girlfriend's opinion on this conversation they would think it's completely silly and stupid. There are more important things to worry then about your gf's sex desire and desire for sex". I then said "is there anything I can specifically do to put you in the mood more often, I'm willing to try different things - handcuffs, role playing, positions, toys etc". She said "No, your are really good at making love with me etc etc etc". I finally said "in your past is this about the same frequency of sex you had with your past bf's, she said bye real fast and hung up on me". I called her back and said "is it wrong for me as a man to want it more then once every 4 weeks, did your exe's ever express this same feeling". Her response "My past bf's never brought up sex and because of that it made me want it more and we did it more then 1 time per month" (but then again she didn't have a child to take care of either, so her life is different now). I said "you've told me numerous times that all those past bf's treated you horribly and not very good, you told me you wanted a guy who treated you right and put his heart out there". She said "I'm not talking about this, it's stupid, silly and childish for you to worry about these things". She hung up on me, I texted her because I was a little upset and said "Look those guys treated you like **** but yet they got more sex then the really good guy that you have always wanted (ME), it seems like I'm getting the least frequency of all of them and I treat you the best. If you would initiate it more often then I wouldn't even be bringing this up at all". She replied with "Your not going to get any for a LONG time bc you have made it clear that's such a BIG PRIORITY to you. This is kinda pushing me away and making me unhappy, I'll talk to you tomorrow. P.S. I'm not going to let your stupid sexual concerns ruin my only day off this week. I'm very very very upset at you right now and please leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!!!". Obvious my best attempt try to communicate to her about an issue bothering me in the most not douchebag way possible literally atomic bombed back in my face..I've not texted her or called her since, this occured about 8 am this morning.

 

In all honestly besides the sex not being frequent everything else is actually really good between us. We are fully committed, loyal, honest, blunt to each other, have great date nights (when they do occur about once a week we have a date night). Am I asking for too much? When we first started dating, we were having sex alot, enough to kick my ass to be honest. She put alot of her priorities on the back burner to make time to see me etc. How our schedules are now is how they really are and I'm ok with not seeing her as frequent. But yet I don't want sex to occur every date night either, because I'm totally not using her and I don't want her to feel like I am. It's just I'd like it more than once a month.

 

Any suggestions....

 

Thanks

Edited November 17, 2013 by husker1989

[GypsumSatellite]

Wanting and needing more sex in any relationship will always be a problem unless it's resolved with a compromise. She's not compromising, in fact she's telling you she won't meet your need as much as her past boyfriends who were fine with whatever she doled out. This is not a loving girlfriend, right now. She's dismissing your want for a sexual relationship that is fulfilling to you. She's holding it over your head because she knows you want it and are such a good guy you won't leave her over it.

 

She told you to leave her alone. Here's what you do: you pull all the way back and make her come back to you. No calls, no texts, no visits, no nothing. Skip this week's date night. Tell her why you're not asking her out for the date night. Make her think about the childishness of refusing sex as retribution for you asking for equitable needs.

 

Single mom or not, both your needs are important. You'd wait for sex to happen naturally but you might be waiting another month or year before she's ready to do it naturally and that's not fair to you.

[heartshaped]

Honestly, if I'm remembering correctly from your other posts about this woman, she's very controlling.

 

I'd cut my losses now.

 

The two of you haven't been dating long and she's already trying to control you with sex ie "you won't be getting any for a long time".

 

She sounds crazy.

[husker1989]

Wanting and needing more sex in any relationship will always be a problem unless it's resolved with a compromise. She's not compromising, in fact she's telling you she won't meet your need as much as her past boyfriends who were fine with whatever she doled out. This is not a loving girlfriend, right now. She's dismissing your want for a sexual relationship that is fulfilling to you. She's holding it over your head because she knows you want it and are such a good guy you won't leave her over it.

 

She told you to leave her alone. Here's what you do: you pull all the way back and make her come back to you. No calls, no texts, no visits, no nothing. Skip this week's date night. Tell her why you're not asking her out for the date night. Make her think about the childishness of refusing sex as retribution for you asking for equitable needs.

 

Single mom or not, both your needs are important. You'd wait for sex to happen naturally but you might be waiting another month or year before she's ready to do it naturally and that's not fair to you.

 

Thanks for the reply! Many thanks. So I do agree with your post in many facets! Valid points and things that I'll remember. She did happen to tell me that she has been used before for just sex (could these past experiences be holding her back now - maybe she doesn't want to rush alot of sex bc maybe she thinks it will make her feel that is all I'm after?). Which of course is far from my intentions.

 

So she ended up contacting me today about an hour ago. She said she was over being mad, wasn't upset anymore, wanted to move past this together as a couple and have a date night tomorrow for dinner. I of course said I apologize for any wrong doings that I may have done....Then just chatted about our day. I've read alot that moms especially agree on the notion that if "I ain't in the mood, you ain't getting any and that's how it goes". Is this true to an extent? I mean I do things for her that I'd rather not do such as a 60-90 back massage after she gets off work (when I'm dead beat tired), but I do it because I know it relaxes her and makes her feel good. I compliment her on her personality and her aspirations in life. Also I should add that I don't get a BJ/HJ from her at all unless its leading up to sex. Like for instance she said that she wouldn't expect me to just go down on her and not F**K her, so it goes the same for me getting a BJ. I mean is what I'm asking for wrong in any fashion, she just says that every woman she knows agrees on her perspective about sex and all of that.

 

Thanks..

[husker1989]

Honestly, if I'm remembering correctly from your other posts about this woman, she's very controlling.

 

I'd cut my losses now.

 

The two of you haven't been dating long and she's already trying to control you with sex ie "you won't be getting any for a long time".

 

She sounds crazy.

 

Thank you for the time to respond to my thread. I've honestly thought about that to an extent. I've have a job, school, hobbies and friends that are a part of my life; so I'm not putting my life on hold for her by any means. She said she was all mad and pissed, then she contacts me and apologizes and wants to work through this.

[husker1989]

Wanted to add a quick little more info here. I do self reflect alot on things like this, sometimes I feel that I'm in the wrong and in other ways I feel that it's a 50/50 type of issue. We have been exclusively talking since Aug, I'm not one to throw in the towel very easily (that's my last resort). I don't resent her for the frequency being down, I don't want her to feel like it's a chore that HAS to be done. I want it to happen because we both consent to the act, yes there is a time and a place to dominate in sexual fashion but not always. I haven't met her son yet, but the sperm donor isn't involved and I'd accept this child as my own. I know this might sound loony but I do see a very strong future with this woman. Last November I broke up with my ex of 2 1/2 years and didn't get back on the dating scene till May, then met my current gf in Aug. I would be more concerned if we lived together and it was only happening once a month, but like I said with our schedules we are lucky to see each other once a week or week and half (which is ok because we usually have a nice long relaxing date). I honestly think our infrequency of seeing each other is the main reason for the less frequent sex (she can't put her life on hold for me and I don't expect her to do that or put me before her son). She has since rebutted on the "your not getting any for a long while now" statement, she said she was upset at that and didn't mean it. I will let you guys know how this improves or what happens.

[Andy_K]

This will never go away. At best it'll slide out of view for short periods of time. A few months (or more) from now, you'll look back and think "Why the hell did I put up with this for so long? Why didn't I just cut my losses and look for someone I was genuinely compatible with? I wish I could go back in time and talk some sense into myself)"

 

Consider this that message from your future self: Get out you damn fool!

[husker1989]

This will never go away. At best it'll slide out of view for short periods of time. A few months (or more) from now, you'll look back and think "Why the hell did I put up with this for so long? Why didn't I just cut my losses and look for someone I was genuinely compatible with? I wish I could go back in time and talk some sense into myself)"

 

Consider this that message from your future self: Get out you damn fool!

 

I actually do feel very compatible. When our relationship first started it made me feel like it was just all about the sex and I didn't necessarily like feeling it that way. We display affection and romance through other outlets, I'm going to try with her wanting me (so I won't bring it up for a while or even try for it) and see if that helps her want it more. Maybe she feels like it is a chore that we need to check off weekly, which it shouldn't be a chore at all. If this blows up in my face, I'll eat alot of crow and admit I was wrong in this thread.