thembones Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 Dated 24 y/o female twice, for a total of 6 months. She left me both times. I don't want the dreaded on again, off again relationship and I want her to know that I won't be around. Been broken up 2 weeks and only talked once (for an hour about us). Her last relationship was on & off for years. Here is the letter I was maybe going to send: I can't believe that I have known you for a year. We met in the hellhole that is (our workplace), but I still think that we met for a reason. I am glad that I met you. I think that we have both learned a lot about ourselves in the past year and we have helped each other do that. I was shocked when you told me that nobody understands you. I tried to understand you, I really did. I tried to get you and understand your perspective. But in reality, we never even had a chance. Once you felt like we were getting too close, you ran. Relationships take two people making effort and I feel that I was putting in too much effort. I don't really understand why we decided to try again, when you knew that you would just push me away again when feelings got too real. It was me who was hopeful that things would be different and it was me who ended up getting hurt, twice. It was not a perfect relationship for me either, but I was willing to make the compromises for our relationship. It was good and could have been great. I think that now I do have a better understanding of you. I understand that something in your past has probably hurt you so much that you are afraid of getting hurt again. And maybe you feel that you can never trust people, so you push them away when they (or you) get too close. Nothing will ever change if you just keep all of your emotions to yourself. I am not trying to tell you what to do, but I am sure your grandma or mother would have some helpful insight if you were to come to them. I was hurt very badly in a past relationship. I dated someone for 3 years and we had serious talks about marriage, kids, etc. One day she decided that we were not where she wanted to be according to her plans and she left me. I was going to ask her to marry me and even bought a ring soon before it ended. I was absolutely devastated. I had never been hurt so badly and wondered how someone I loved could hurt me so much. It took me a long time to forgive her, but I got over it and did. She has tried to come back multiple times, but I just cannot forget what she did to me. I still like her as a person, but I will never let her hurt me again. I am deadly afraid of getting hurt too. I am happy to hear that you were getting "certain" feelings for me, but it was bittersweet that I only heard it when you had already left. I never expected to be the top priority in your life, but I just wanted feel like I was on the list. I think that everything happens for a reason and our case was no different. We did get back together for a reason, but it ended up being for a different reason that I thought. It was to show me that it just wasn't going to work. I can't force you do something you can't do, don't want to do, or aren't ready to do. So basically, I guess I am trying to say that I am done. I am done wondering if things could ever work out between us, because I know that they can't. I am done chasing and hoping for someone who does not want the same things as I do at this time. You told me that you know what you want, but maybe eventually you would tell me. How am I supposed to have any idea if I never knew? I will probably never know. You knew what I wanted in the end. You don't have to worry about me pushing you for something you aren't ready for. With that I would mention for her to listen to "Running Away" by Hoobastank, telling her that the song is exactly as I feel. Should I even send it or should I let my NC imply all of this? I figure if I am going to send it, it should be now to get back on NC sooner and it will look petty of me to send it a month from now. I would really like some advice, etc. Thank you!
2fargone Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 You should not send it... You said so yourself she's emotionally unavailable. What makes you think she can even grasp what you're trying to say? Let alone the fact that you're saying she has hurt you and whatnot.... Mind you, I have send something like that. I ment it though... And I was more like 'I feel this or that' without pointing to her... So not 'because you....'
AShogunNamedMarcus Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 Instead of sending a letter telling her you are "done" why not just stop talking to her or contacting her at all? This is the best way to get that message across. Instead of you teaching (for lack of better word) her that point, let her learn it on her own, on her own time. There's a chance she responds to your letter. It will probably have things in it you want to respond to. Dragging out the process and opening the door for new wounds and setbacks. These letters usually do not get good results. When someone pushes away from you, any effort to close that gap will put them on the defensive. If you ignore her, she will not have to put up extra defenses where you are concerned. 2
BC1980 Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 The problem is that she is not going to agree with your assessment of her, and it will just annoy her. So it's really pointless to send the letter. I think my ex is likely emotionally unavailable too, but why tell him? What do I gain from that? It might make you feel good for a few days to tell someone all about how messed up they are, but, in the long run, it's silly. You woll feel foolish later for doing so. If you want her to know you have moved on, actions speak louder than words. By telling her, it looks like you need to tell her for validation.
Author thembones Posted November 17, 2013 Author Posted November 17, 2013 Wow, thanks so much for the great responses! She hasn't contacted me yet, but she was the one to initiate things after about 2 months (NC) broken up the last time. She did mention that she still wanted to be able to talk to me and I don't plan on responding. I guess the NC will have to tell her I'm not going to be there. She might be narcissictic as well, so she probably doesn't think there's anything wrong with her. I kinda feel bad for her. I guess I just needed to hear others say that I should not send it. I wish we just had a terrible breakup, but it was civil, friendly, and understanding. I tried to be cold to her, but I wasn't strong enough. I understand the validation part and it working the opposite as I planned.
Confusedguy81 Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 I would write the letter and then burn it
greenfairie Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 When I feel like talking to my ex, I just write it all down on a piece of paper and put it away. Sometimes I do that in my journal/diary. It helps a lot and prevents me from talking or sending anything to my ex.
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