Strength and decisiveness...I need it from somewhere quick

[SerCay]

So I've been on LS for quite some time now, started posting here about my relationship of 3 years.

 

The outcome is always that my relationship is just full of red flags, selfishness and manipulation.

 

Yet I believe it when my bf says: When his theraoy will start working, when he will feel better, when his life is more in an upwards spiral instead of downwards, he will be a better person and our relationship will be better. Right now he just can't take ''the stress I give him'' he says.

 

Why do I believe this? Seriously...I'm truly wondering WHY I believe him when he says so.

 

He never wanted to live with me because he thinks my house is too small so he still lives with his parents (which is not a big deal since its considered normal in our culture to live with your parents until your married), now he's invited to look at an apartment as big as mine...When I confronted him he said: yeah but I didn't want to live with you because you don't give me space. (He refers to the times I told him to please spend time with me instead of his phone when he's with me 2 times a week)....

 

Then when I tell him it's an excuse of his, he says that I dont care for his wel being, how I should know that he must leave his parents' house.....

 

I'm just starting to f*cking hate him.

 

I had to work today..he said he wanted to come see me after work. So after finishing, I asked him, I'll be at the train station this and that time, do you want to pick me up? He says: ''I overslept, I'm cooking now''. And he was cooking something he KNOWS I can't eat (meat). So I knew automatically that he just didn't consider me in his cooking. nice. Cooking for his daddy and himself when his girlfriend is coming home from work. Which is ok..but then why do you tell me you wanna come see me? Then he said: So what are you gonna eat? Do you want me to order something for you? I just declined...It's not about eating. It's about eating TO GE THER. He's a selfish ass. He can go be his parent's boyfriend.

 

So, LS'ers, I've been working on my co-dependency, I've started school and work a couple of months ago, everything is going fine in those areas.

 

I just need to find the strength, the final strength after all this working on myself to just break loose from him already...as you can read...it's time, and it has been for long.

 

I'm starting to get pissed with myself for still sticking around and still believing he will indeed be a different person...

 

Do you have any advice for me? Any pov I forgot to look from, any insights, experiences..?

[carhill]

If this young man was gone from your life tomorrow morning, what is your most pronounced fear? IME, strength and decisiveness often come from overcoming fear. Examine that. Good luck!

[Zapbasket]

I just want to say I'm in a similar boat to yours in terms of codependency and looking back over a 3.5-year relationship where there were dynamics similar to the ones you describe, I wish I had had the courage to step out much sooner.

 

Carhill asks an excellent question, one very much worth considering. I think for me, my fear was that the reason my partner didn't show up consistently to the relationship and the reason he could be so irritable with me at times was that I somehow was the one lacking, the one causing his poor behaviors. I never admitted that to my partner; I'd argue with him instead, telling him his behavior was unacceptable and he needed to get it together; but then I'd feel unhappy inside because privately I felt I was fundamentally at fault for not "deserving" someone who treated me well, consistently, and showed up, consistently, to the relationship.

 

If your gut tells you your partner's behaviors are bad; if they make you unhappy; LISTEN TO THAT VOICE! It is so rarely wrong. Write down everything you're afraid of that will result from ending the relationship, come to terms with those things, and WALK AWAY.

 

Good luck. I hope you handle this better than I did. Courage.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Help your boyfriend. Leave him and don't look back.

 

Utterly serious here. It's all about him, his therapy, his needs.

 

You don't live with the guy, he doesn't sound that into you. You are wasting your life. Or pandering to him wasting it for you. Move on.

 

I say this, being someone myself who in younger days didn't know what they wanted so had no idea of when to commit or pull the plug, and so wasted the time of two entirely fine young women.

 

From his perspective you are the needy one, causing hassle, rocking the boat, with your needs for company, food you can eat and other things he cannot give you because he needs to focus on himself. Fine. Your two perspectives do not have to co-exist if they do not overlap.

 

Do it, get some support from the sisterhood, and go no-contact if you want to make it stick.

 

Good luck.

Edited November 16, 2013 by TiredFamilyGuy

[SerCay]

If this young man was gone from your life tomorrow morning, what is your most pronounced fear? IME, strength and decisiveness often come from overcoming fear. Examine that. Good luck!

 

Definitely fear...I'm scared I'll never meet someone I'll have such a connection with as I have with him

 

I just want to say I'm in a similar boat to yours in terms of codependency and looking back over a 3.5-year relationship where there were dynamics similar to the ones you describe, I wish I had had the courage to step out much sooner.

[/b]

 

How'd you get out eventually?

 

You don't live with the guy, he doesn't sound that into you. You are wasting your life. Or pandering to him wasting it for you. Move on.

 

From his perspective you are the needy one, causing hassle, rocking the boat, with your needs for company, food you can eat and other things he cannot give you because he needs to focus on himself. Fine. Your two perspectives do not have to co-exist if they do not overlap.

 

Good luck.

 

according to him Im the love of his life, there's the contradiction...

And yes, I'm exactly what you say according to him. He says with his mental state I should not ''stress'' him about ANYTHING and just be calm and there for him until he's getting better and then we get married eventually.. But I just don't believe it anymore.